What should I do?

[Eleanor01234]

I’m a 14 year old girl and I think I may be depressed. I have very low self-esteem. I constantly worry about the way I look. I don’t think any boy will ever find me attractive. I have lots of spots and although I’m not fat to the extent that I am unhealthy I am a lot bigger than the vast majority of the other girls in my year at school. My weight is something that I have worried about since I was eight or nine years old. I am not very popular at school. I used to hang around with a group of girls who were very popular, very pretty and slimmer than me for a long time. I suppose they made me feel even more pressured into being slim and pretty and getting a boyfriend and things like that. One of the girls did nothing but put me down. I like to write stories, I play drums and write my own music and I want to become a professor of history, so I want to do well at school. Whereas all they were interested in was boys, make-up and shopping. When they went out together, it was often that I would be left out and they wouldn’t invite me. I recently made friends with two other girls. They share more of my interests and they are really nice to me and they seem to accept me the way that I am. But I don’t feel that I am able to talk to them about this because they are both very confident in themselves and I don’t think they’d really understand. I also thought that because I’m now friends with people I feel I ‘fit in’ with more and I am more comfortable around, that I’d feel better about myself – but the problem seems to have only gotten worse. My sister always spends the weekend with her boyfriend, but I don’t have one and my friends live very far away so I can’t meet up with them however often as I like, we only manage to go out together at weekends every few weeks, so I get very lonely during school holidays and weekends. I feel so lonely and ugly that I have considered suicide. I have tried talking to my Mum several times but she just says ‘all girls go through it, you’ll get past it.’ I know that it is not uncommon for teenage girls to worry about the way they look, feel ugly, feel fat ect. But this is making me so sad that I struggle to concentrate at school, I look into the mirror and cry, I get sick and I feel lonely and trapped as well as ugly and fat. My mum has only made the problem worse because she makes me feel like she is disregarding it, like she doesn’t care, like her job (she works long hours and works from home after work and at the weekend a lot) is more important than I am to her. Do you think I should try and speak to a professional about this? And if you do how do I go about doing this?
I'm sorry this so ridiculously long, thank you for taking the time to read it.

[MollyQ19]

Hey Eleanor,
I am 19 and I have struggled through similar things to those that you have described. I think you are really lucky to have friends who you can be yourself with. If you feel bad about weight and self image (I always did when I wasn't so depressed that I didn't care...) I think doing something simple like excercise can help you feel a lot better. When you feel angry with yourself, your mom, life, etc. you could go somewhere alone and just run and with each step imagine you are stomping one of your problems. I have fought my insecurities so that I don't let them interfere with the way I live my life so I don't feel angry as much as I used to, so unless I am in an awful mood I like to swim laps at my town pool. When you are doing something that is healthy and releases endorphins its always good, but it could also help you feel as though you are improving your physical self. Do you want a boyfriend? Lots of girls get boyfriends your age (and mine) simply because we feel it is required. Aka look pretty, be skinny, don't cause trouble, be smart, be popular, be talented, and get a boyfriend. I have always felt that the boyfriend was on the same level as having a new designer purse to put your new phone or iPod or iPhone in. Lol. If there is a person you are genuinely interested in, that is one matter. But if you are looking for something to match the purse so you can blend in with the other girls then you should just forget it. I am a lot older than you and I am straight with a healthy sex drive but NO desire for a boyfriend or even flirtation. This is because I don't feel like I am at that level of maturity some girls reach in first grade where they are ready to fall in love. My sister is  14 and is heartbroken because of a boy every other month. She wouldn't know what to do with a boyfriend if she ever got one ( she has one now but he is walking her to classes and holding hands but has not asked her out on a date so she thinks he doesn't count). She is truly looking for her fairy tale love now. I don't know if you are looking for that or if you just want to be "normal" like every other girl. I am waiting until the right time and the right person. It takes a lot of pressure off to say to yourself "nah I don't need all this drama right now. I have more important things going on." I think that if it is possible you should definately go into therapy. Even people who feel fine should be in therapy. It isn't something to be ashamed of and it will help you to better understand yourself and your world. It saved my life when I felt I had no one to talk to. I am doing great now but I won't ever stop therapy. It helps you to clear your mind and solve your true problems. I promise you that if you go in with an open mind it can help. Avoid taking antidepressants if they are recommended. That are useful in severe cases of depression and anxiety but you don't seem to need it. If you feel that is the way to go, get lots of opinions from other medical professionals and research each drug. My father is a chemist for a pharmaceutical company and so I don't trust the motives of psychologists. If you decide you need medicinal help, ask to see a physicians assistant instead of the psychologist because they are more likely to listen to you instead of writing off a prescription. If you want to talk to a therapist ask your mom. If she continues to think you are overreacting then go to your school counselor for help in making yourself heard at home.

I hope this helps.

[Eleanor01234]

Well, my doctor did my weight and height recently and he said I am at a healthy weight. I have tried to loose weight, and I did manage to, I lost 8lbs but I didn't manage to stick to it and I have gained almost all of it back now. I will try to lose weight again though, I don't think I'll be happy until I do again. Thank you for your help.

[RockRose]

It's true that all girls go through this,  Eleanor.  It's a matter of degree - are you experiencing more of this than is typical, is the question.

You have goals,  you have good friends although you see them only sporadically,  and you have interests that would be attractive to other more local friends.  Can you get in with a group of kids who are interested in music or writing?  There must be others like you.

I'm not asking for your weight,  but am interested in you rethinking your weight issue.  If you're "a lot heavier than the vast majority" of kids at your school,  it seems likely you're at an unhealthy weight.  There are a LOT of healthy fit body styles,  so you may be exaggerating your weight,  but the way you describe it sounds unhealthy.  

Have you tried to work on your weight?  Again, if you're a healthy body shape that just doesn't happen to be model slim,  that's totally fine,  and not something you need to change.  But if you are significantly overweight working on that would help your self-image.

Have you considered getting involved in a church youth group or service youth group?  

Best wishes.  I wouldn't trade being 52 for being 14 for the world.  It's hard.