Aa
He has a smokin fetish
Hello. I am looking for some input. I am a HUGE non-smoker and am in a new relationship with a wonderful man. I love him. He is also a non-smoker and has no interest in being with someone who smokes all the time. Everything between us has been wonderful and I am extremely happy except for one thing. Recently, he admitted to me that he has a smoking fetish. He is seriously sexually aroused by it. He calls sex without it vanilla ice cream versus chocolate caramel swirl with chocolate chips and hot fudge sundae. Hmmm ... I GET the analogy! I have tried it. I don't like it but am willing to participate on a certain level. ie. not lighting it. It is not like he wants it included all the time but I am struggling with this because I feel I am disappointing him. We 'discuss' the topic endlessly as he tries to determine how much I will do this for him and I will not commit to anything beyond 'when I feel like it'. I have no idea what to do and am looking for some insightful thoughts or maybe someone with a similar experience? <sigh>
Thanks in advance!
Thanks in advance!
you dont even wanna know the foods i cant eat anymore after visiting this forum!
did you really even eat that anyway???
did you really even eat that anyway???
awwww..MM, i am sorry to hear you are a widow after so long and so young! my guy and i have been together/married for a total of 20 yrs. i am 37 and he turns 40 next wed.
i can see how vanilla sex can turn into moose track mud pie now.
i hope you two find at least some humor in this. i almost feel sorry/sad for you and it even makes ME long for the comfortable/familiar taste of vanilla sex.
i do see much of what you are saying in that this cigg fetish and the possibility it will turn into more once that gets old. just take it slow, do what YOU are comfortable with and see how it turns out. try not to look ahead and analyze. i mean, he has to be willing to give things a go and also let go of some things to make intimacy comfortable, alluring and exciting for BOTH! hell, ya can go buy a blow up doll and slap a hunk of liver on it in that case! no hassle.
i can see how vanilla sex can turn into moose track mud pie now.
i hope you two find at least some humor in this. i almost feel sorry/sad for you and it even makes ME long for the comfortable/familiar taste of vanilla sex.
i do see much of what you are saying in that this cigg fetish and the possibility it will turn into more once that gets old. just take it slow, do what YOU are comfortable with and see how it turns out. try not to look ahead and analyze. i mean, he has to be willing to give things a go and also let go of some things to make intimacy comfortable, alluring and exciting for BOTH! hell, ya can go buy a blow up doll and slap a hunk of liver on it in that case! no hassle.
oceans- actually, thumbing through the shoe sale ads would be my turn on!!!
maddie- it's hard to say whether or not he will be content with the occasional role play involving the cigarette. Just be clear with him about what you are and are not willing to do, and how often you're willing to do it.
Good luck!
maddie- it's hard to say whether or not he will be content with the occasional role play involving the cigarette. Just be clear with him about what you are and are not willing to do, and how often you're willing to do it.
Good luck!
My opinion is that he should be able to enjoy sex with you without the cigarettes. I think that it is going to become a bad situation if you dont do something about it right now. How long have you been together? If I was in that situation I would ask myself if he really cared for me would he give up the fetish thing for me? Obviously you don't like it and it is bothering you so tell him. Communication is key. To tell you the truth I think that is quite strange. All of that smoke being blown around during sex....... I smoked once in my life time and I did normally(not during sex). It almost sounds like an addiction to me (on his behalf). Hope all goes well.
Oh no O3! You are completely on track!! lol!! He would love the scenario you painted! For him, the only way to make it better would be to follow it through the entire way and include the lit cigarette but he would also be happy with what you suggest. He is very reassuring to me that whatever I want to do is fine and says I am thinking/worrying too much trying to understand it. Yet at the same time I know exactly what he wants. He wants me to be as into it as him and I can't! And then we get into a silly argument because I refused to buy cigarettes he doesn't expect me to smoke and he cannot grasp why I would refuse! <sigh> I guess I am just trying to get a sense of whether or not the kind of game you just painted will CONTINUE to keep him happy or will there be pressure to take it to the next 'level' if he gets bored of that? I hate conflict and don't want that to happen and perhaps only time will tell??
This whole thing is new to me. I guess my husband and I only ever had vanilla ice cream sex. Who knew??? lol!! I was widowed a few years ago after 20 yrs with him and being suddenly single in your 40's has been interesting to say the least!!
This whole thing is new to me. I guess my husband and I only ever had vanilla ice cream sex. Who knew??? lol!! I was widowed a few years ago after 20 yrs with him and being suddenly single in your 40's has been interesting to say the least!!
what if you dressed up, put red lipstick on and went out alone to a bar. have him meet you there (as if you were strangers to each other) and asked him if he has a ciggarette. tell him you are dying for a ciggarette. that will get him alllll worked up! then when the two of you got home, he may not particularly care about the lit cigg?
am i dreaming here?????
am i dreaming here?????
Wow. Thank you all for the feedback and support! I find that the perspective of others always helps me put things into perspective. The whole liver analogy had me in a fit of giggles also. It was great. Thank you mslkpage!! My b/f certainly had his 'liver' moment as a young boy. He has distinct memories of a magazine with an advertisment of elegantly dressed glamour girls smoking long slim cigarettes in holders being taken away from him and he felt being chatised for being naughty. Logically I know this is where this stems from and I really don't find it creepy per se. It is something he is into I am not!
For those who don't understand, his whole 'ultimate' fantasy is based around the ENTIRE picture ... antique holders (of which he has quite a kind of cool collection), elegant formal dress (including long black gloves), and red lipstick etc ... think the glamour Hollywood girls of old. And don't get me wrong, I am all for mixing things up and having some fun on occasion but I do mean on occasion! And the whole lighting it up is not fun for me!
I just want to make sure we both understand each other on this issue because, although it is the only issue we have, I am aware it is a BIG one! You are right Monkeyflower I have to decide what I am willing to live with before I allow the relationship to progress into anything permanent. If he can accept not only that I make the rules about the role I play in this and accept the rules I make all should be fine but so far there has been a fair amount of arguing about it! Is that a selfish statement for me to make??? Or am I on the right track???
For those who don't understand, his whole 'ultimate' fantasy is based around the ENTIRE picture ... antique holders (of which he has quite a kind of cool collection), elegant formal dress (including long black gloves), and red lipstick etc ... think the glamour Hollywood girls of old. And don't get me wrong, I am all for mixing things up and having some fun on occasion but I do mean on occasion! And the whole lighting it up is not fun for me!
I just want to make sure we both understand each other on this issue because, although it is the only issue we have, I am aware it is a BIG one! You are right Monkeyflower I have to decide what I am willing to live with before I allow the relationship to progress into anything permanent. If he can accept not only that I make the rules about the role I play in this and accept the rules I make all should be fine but so far there has been a fair amount of arguing about it! Is that a selfish statement for me to make??? Or am I on the right track???
ohhhh...you make me laugh! see, you can be naked and wear your shoes during it "all" right??
and me? uhhh...i can hump my decorative pillow.
MF...can always count on you to provide sound, logical information when it comes to stuff like this. interesting.
i agree with her either holding the cigg while lit and pretend to puff or just hold an unlit one. i think its the smell that may enhance the mood for him though so unlit may not work.
thank goodness i dont have these issues. we just have....when the heck do we have time or energy?
and me? uhhh...i can hump my decorative pillow.
MF...can always count on you to provide sound, logical information when it comes to stuff like this. interesting.
i agree with her either holding the cigg while lit and pretend to puff or just hold an unlit one. i think its the smell that may enhance the mood for him though so unlit may not work.
thank goodness i dont have these issues. we just have....when the heck do we have time or energy?
mslkpage is right in how and why fetishes develop. One therapist has described them as a container for uncomfortable feelings. And btw, our sexual maps in general, not just fetishes, develop in early childhood. From what I've read, your turnons are pretty much set by the time you're like 10 or so. An awesome book for more info on this is The Erotic Mind, by Jack Morin.
To the original poster: Kudos for being so openminded and accepting. As to what happens now, well, I think you have to decide what you're willing to do. I hate to say this, but it's highly unlikely to change on his end. Fetishes (and sexual turnons in general) are pretty much what they are. Something is a fetish when it's sexual attraction due to a non-sexual item, and is *necessary* for arousal. Sounds like he's pretty close to that... I guess you could figure out where you'd draw the line--smoke an unlit cigarette, hold a lit cigarette, etc. I'd also suggest talking to a sex therapist for more info for you both.
To those who are freaked out in general: Substitute YOUR major turnon for his smoking. Think about how you'd feel if your partner suddenly thought this was weird, or refused to do it, or whatever. It's kinda the same thing, I think.
To the original poster: Kudos for being so openminded and accepting. As to what happens now, well, I think you have to decide what you're willing to do. I hate to say this, but it's highly unlikely to change on his end. Fetishes (and sexual turnons in general) are pretty much what they are. Something is a fetish when it's sexual attraction due to a non-sexual item, and is *necessary* for arousal. Sounds like he's pretty close to that... I guess you could figure out where you'd draw the line--smoke an unlit cigarette, hold a lit cigarette, etc. I'd also suggest talking to a sex therapist for more info for you both.
To those who are freaked out in general: Substitute YOUR major turnon for his smoking. Think about how you'd feel if your partner suddenly thought this was weird, or refused to do it, or whatever. It's kinda the same thing, I think.
Or, he may have been a young adult when it developed. Either way, I'm glad that analogy helped!!
Shoe fetish...I think I have that. Not during sex, but shoe sales. I can't stay away. :)
Shoe fetish...I think I have that. Not during sex, but shoe sales. I can't stay away. :)
that was soooo funny! thanks for making me see the big picture using my liver analogy. im still laughing. it is indeed kind of creepy that a fetish stems from childhood like that. that makes it all the worse as an adult entertaining the idea of something somebody "got off" on when a child. so difficult to explain but i think you get the picture.
in addition to the husband wanting her to smoke, he wants HER to go buy the ciggs too???? GRRRR. he's the one with the fetish so he can go by the ciggs (or the liver).
i keep thinking and wondering if i have a fetish? i have non-sexual fetishes though. like decorative pillows but no sexual ones.
in addition to the husband wanting her to smoke, he wants HER to go buy the ciggs too???? GRRRR. he's the one with the fetish so he can go by the ciggs (or the liver).
i keep thinking and wondering if i have a fetish? i have non-sexual fetishes though. like decorative pillows but no sexual ones.
Ewwwwww...this sounds awfully creepy if you ask me. Sorry, but I don't care how great the sex is - surely you wouldn't be able to enjoy it if you decide to blow a smoke during it...that would make you physically sick and how could you enjoy the sex then? It's not always about the bloody guy getting off...how dare he make you feel like that's your responsibility and that you're neglecting him and his needs! He obviously doesn't care too much about your needs/wants during sex as this sounds like he's really harping on about this fetish. I get the fact that it's a fetish and how or what it stemmed from, but geez...how far are you willing to go? Answer that question and let the relationship take its course from there!
Slapping liver on your vagina!?! Oh, that made me laugh. Sexual fetishes, or paraphilias, are usually ingrained at a very young age. And, they aren't always a turn on all the time- it's associated with arousal. Here's an example (I'll use a man, because typically, they're the ones with the paraphilias). Let's pretend you're a boy. You don't like the taste of liver, but one day, you peek in mommy and daddy's bedroom, and daddy is spanking mommy with the liver. You're somewhat shocked, yet aroused. You may never like the taste of liver, but now it's imprinted in your brain when you get aroused. Does that make it a little easier to understand?
I still think monkey would have a better perspective on this than I do, because most of my paraphilia studies involve sex offenders. But I know that they aren't the only ones that have fetishes...they're just the ones I deal with.
I still think monkey would have a better perspective on this than I do, because most of my paraphilia studies involve sex offenders. But I know that they aren't the only ones that have fetishes...they're just the ones I deal with.
wow!! I think this is just fine, it's whatever. but seriously, I thought I had heard it all, this one takes the cake!!
i guess i am having difficulty understanding his fetish. i had to read the post like 3 times! if he does NOT like cigarretts and doesnt want you to smoke, then why would he want it during sex? i mean, i dont like liver and neither does my husband but ya dont see us slapping it on my vagina or rubbing it all over his penis? usually a fetish is something you like? i just dont get it?
i think it does stem back from those 50's60's movies and ads when smoking was sexy and cool. all the stars smoked in movies. now they have lung cancer. i mean, c'mon! this is an unhealthy fetish and i think he is wrong to ask you to smoke when you dont want to. think about what he is asking of you. to compromise your beliefs and your health. whats going to happen if you do try it a few times and "gee, this isnt so bad" and you slowly become addicted. now you are a smoker. it happens to most. no one intends on getting addicted. besides, do you know how much cigs are per pack? i dont know where you live but here they are like $7.
i think it does stem back from those 50's60's movies and ads when smoking was sexy and cool. all the stars smoked in movies. now they have lung cancer. i mean, c'mon! this is an unhealthy fetish and i think he is wrong to ask you to smoke when you dont want to. think about what he is asking of you. to compromise your beliefs and your health. whats going to happen if you do try it a few times and "gee, this isnt so bad" and you slowly become addicted. now you are a smoker. it happens to most. no one intends on getting addicted. besides, do you know how much cigs are per pack? i dont know where you live but here they are like $7.
If your uncomfortable with it don't due it if he pressures you then maybe the relationship isn't worth it. Just my opinion.
I would come up with a "fetish" of your own and see if he is as willing to accomidate you. I have a few thoughts of my own but I'm sure they would get deleted!
And what if he said, "I really get turned on when I see a woman light up her crack pipe, baby".
TOUGH NOOGIES.
Ask him if he would also enjoy your yellow teeth, ashtray breath, and prematurely wrinkley face as a result of his fetish.
TOUGH NOOGIES.
Ask him if he would also enjoy your yellow teeth, ashtray breath, and prematurely wrinkley face as a result of his fetish.
How about a candy smoke? They sometimes have enough of that powdered sugar you can blow as a little "puff" of smoke! Hahahaha.
Seriously though, this is a different fetish to say the least. I don't think you should be forced into anything that you don't want to do. He should respect that you don't want to smoke no questions asked.
Seriously though, this is a different fetish to say the least. I don't think you should be forced into anything that you don't want to do. He should respect that you don't want to smoke no questions asked.
Yes, this comes from childhood. He believes he was born with it and can remember the Virginia Slim ads of old from early childhood. He does enjoy the whole unlit thing too but obviously lit is better. I have a business trip coming up soon. Apparently cigarettes of a type not available to us here are available where I am going. Who knew?? :-) They are NOT illegal, just not sold here. He asked if I would buy some and I said no. He cannot understand why. I have never bought cigarettes in my life and am not going to start now! So we argued and I don't want to fight about this. As far as the health concerns go, he argues that the odd lit cigarette is no more dangerous than other things we expose ourselves to diet-wise, environment etc. And he actually LIKES the taste but only when aroused as he has no interest in me smoking on a regular basis.
Ick!! My husband used to smoke. Every time he would kiss me, it would leave this disgusting film all over my mouth, teeth and it would even get in my mouth. I explained it to him (about the film thing) and the fact that I wasn't going to die because he wanted to smoke and he quit. I wonder if he would think it was so sexy if he knew of the disgusting film that he could have all over his mouth bc of his fetish.
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