Helping a Friend During a Painful Process (open)

[Soror]

Hello ladies, (and what few gentlemen spend time here.)

I have a friend who will be going in for an abortion later on this week.  Although I have miscarried in the past, I have never had a clinical abortion, and want to make her as comfortable as possible.  She's not the sort of girl who asks to have her hand held very often, so I know this bothers her, and I want to support her as best I can.

So I address those of you who have had a clinical abortion:  What do you think would make this young woman comfortable in the hours and days after the proceedure?  I have until Thursday afternoon to get this decided on, but she'll be staying with my husband and I for a few days while she recovers.  (She is a young adult who is in college and lives with her parents, and doesn't feel that it is any of their business.)

Let me know.

[bookerswife]

Well I would say to just be there for her if she needs a shoulder or if she needs to talk! Try to keep her busy! I hope everything goes well for her!

[glad2bamom]

Alot depends on the specifics of her procedure.  Is she being put to sleep?  Will she be awake the whole time?  
She will have cramping, etc.  but the pain isn't horrible.
The worst part for me was the mental anguish.  Even though a parent "helped" me make my decision, I still had unbelievable guilt after it was over.
I remember sleeping for most of the day, and night afterwards.  I think more from mental fagigue than anything else.

She will have bleeding, and you will need to keep a watch on that.

[malqahtani]

How far along is she? Is she having the D&C procedure or is she taking the Abortion Pill?  Was this decision easy for her to make or did she ponder over it for awhile?  I've had 3 (1 D&C and 2 Abortion Pill).  My mom was with me for my first (19yrs old).  I say that you should not bring it up unless she does and just make her feel like you are there for her with no judgement.  If she is having the Pill abortion you may want to be there for her when she does the second procedure.  This is painful and feels exactly like childbirth, you have real contractions and you are bleeding terribly.  And this goes on for hours.(A heating pad is magic on those cramps)  Just make her feel at home while she is there, but don't fuss over her.  Just be her friend, not her mother.

[Soror]

She's at seven weeks, although I have an update - rather than clinical abortion, she's chosen to go the route of medicinal abortion after talking to the clinic a third time.  My husband and I have agreed to keep her while she goes through it and make sure, if she has complications, to get her to a doctor.  Any experience offered is and would continue to be helpful.

I'm a little more experienced with miscarriage, so at least a lot of this won't be much of a surprise.  (For me, at least.)

I was present when the decision was made, though I didn't share my own opinion.  (I'd have told her to abort, personally, but I didn't want to encourage her or pressure her.)  When we found out she was pregnant, we sat there on the bathroom floor for a little while in silence and she said, "I have to take care of this."

So really, it only took a few minutes for the decision to be made.  I know she hates that it must be done, and she is very, very scared of the entire affair, but she's trying her best to be brave.  Despite the decision not taking long, I am -not- going to question it...in part because I agree with her, that it does need to be done and is in her best interest, and in part because she is an adult capable of judging for herself what is best.

[malqahtani]

You said she is choosing the 'medicinal' abortion, by pill, right?  Ok, this seems like the easy way out, but it's not.  The only real comfort is you do it at home and nobody watches you walk crooked out of the clinic.  Once she does take the inducing pills within 1 to 2 hours she will start to have real contraction, she will feel them in her back in her abdomen.  Be patient with her, for someone who's never experienced child birth and who hasn't been pregnant long enough to get introduced and constantly exposed to a contraction before child birth, this is really painful.  She may get scared that she's bleeding too heavily, most likely she isn't.  If she's lying down for a while and then stands up alot of clots and blood are going to come out of her, this may be alarming, but it is ok.  If this is uncomfortable she can sit on the toilet and let things pass that way.  Like I said earlier, I've done this method twice, and once the contractions started coming I put that heating pad on medium placed it right on my abdomen where the uterus is and that really helped with the pain.  As long as she was sure that this was what she really wanted to do, then she may emotionally be ok.  It may bother her, but it sounds as though she has accepted this well.  It's very important that she goes to the follow-up appt to get the ultrasound done to confirm that all of the pregnancy tissue was passed.  If it hasn't she may still be pregnant with a dead embryo, or some of the pregnancy tissue.  This can cause really bad infections and in some cases, sterility.  Hopefully, her clinic is up-to-date with their methods and they supply her with antibiotics or a prescription for antibiotics to take while she is doing this.  If they don't she should mention something about getting some.  Not all women get an infection from this, but most do, and it's always better safe than sorry.  Hope all goes well.  And I hope this information helped you.

[jgonzales]

I dont get why she has to kill an unborn child. WHy doesnt she give up for adoption or something?
What does the father say on all this?
THis gets me mad, I mean I just gave birth to a little girl.. I mean if u open ur legs and u have to deal what happends...
I'm sorry if I got u guys mad.. how and why?
because ur in school doesnt mean to kill a child.. I mean it already has a heartbeat!
Im sorry, I gotta go.. I need to cry!

[Soror]

Would you like to know what makes me sad?  Someone who is unable or unwilling to look past her own little world in favor of trying to offer some advice or sympathy to someone who is less fortunate than herself.  That makes me sad.

This is not an ethical discussion.
This is a question about how I can support a friend of mine.
Read that word carefully.  SUPPORT.

Not ***** at her, not tell her she's wrong, not argue about killing a baby, (and I want you to realize that there are people here who are NOT pro-life, despite the fact that there are many mothers and ttcs here), but SUPPORT her.  Make her comfortable, because she sought ME out for comfort...so spare me your self-righteous drivvel and either give me the advice I requested or keep your teeth together and your thoughts to yourself.

That is all.

[glad2bamom]

My (2) frustrations with this thread are:
1.  I've been there, I know how it feels.  It's horrible.  It sucks.  I was 16.  However, I learned from my mistake.
On a site like this one, where women are struggling every day to HAVE a baby, it is unfathomable to me that someone would have 3 abortions.  One was more than I could handle.  
For goodness sakes, use a condom.  
Whether you believe pro-choice, or pro-life, abortion is not birth control.  That's insanity.

Original poster, I do commend you for wanting to "help" this girl. (You called her a girl in your first post.  Then, later she became an adult who can make her own choices.)  I stronly urge you to consider whether or not to tell her parents. I'm not saying that you should tell them, I'm just suggesting that you should urge her to tell them.  You have no idea what complications may occur.  This is not pulling a splinter out---this is an abortion.  What happens if this girl has complications and she's your responsibility?  What will you tell her parents then?

I was okay with this thread until the person with 3 past abortions responded like it was no big deal.  Sorry if I seemed frustrated with you---I just see so many potential danger zones here....and I did get frustrated with the other person.  Didnt' mean to take it out on you.

[kenziesmom]

I think Oceans just said exactly what I was thinking reading through this thread.  I agree, if you have views about whether or not to abort, you would naturally share them with your friend.  Why is it a problem if her family does the same?  You said that it is none of her family's business what she does.  I realize 19 is considered an adult, but, obviously this girl is having trouble with this very "adult" decision if she is coming to you for guidance.  She may feel horrible some day when her family finds out what happened without their knowledge.  It sounds to me like you have personal feelings against her family.  Obviously, they are pro-life "fanatics" as someone earlier put it.  The fanatic part cracks me up, by the way.  Why are people considered fanatics if they are voicing their opinions about other options besides abortion?  Does that make you a pro-choice fanatic?

I did have a friend who got drunk one night in college and had unprotected sex she didn't remember.  She became pregnant, carried the baby full term WHILE going to classes and had the baby.  She also knew a baby was not in her plan for finishing college, but also knew that it was her mistake, not the unborn child's.  She decided to give the baby up for adoption.  Am I saying your friend should do the same?  No, it is her decision what to do.  I do feel she should be presented with all of the options before she decides for sure.  Since you are the only one allowed to speak to her about this, don't you feel it is your decision to make sure she feels comfortable with her final decision?

Please don't get angry with others on this forum for posting their opinion.  Wouldn't it be a boring world, if everyone agreed with everyone?

[Soror]

I defy the notion that I am bear-baiting, and have done what I can to resolve a flare of anger I did have earlier on in the evening.  I have stated repeatedly that I am in fact NOT impressing my beliefs on this young woman, and am letting her make the decision on her own.

Contrary to popular belief, nineteen does not equal stupid...the decision was NOT difficult, though she is worried about the proceedure itself.  I did not ask for opinions, I asked for experience, which is where the rub comes into place.

If I wanted a fight, I'd have asked for opinions.  You can read whatever you want into this thread, but do me a favor and don't put words in my mouth...especially when you do such a poor job at 'intuiting' what I'm here for.  What have I to prove?

Why do you think me so hostile for not wanting children of my own?  Where do you read that in the slightest?  I dislike children, I don't hate other people's children or their right to have them, and you need to realize that before attempting to psychoanalyze me further.

[PGB]

Well said!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[monkeyflower]

I agree with you.

But I also have to agree with some of the others, because it does seem that you are deliberately trying to stir up trouble. Many posters here are conservative, and easily shocked by your glib references to multiple partners, great sex, gay bars, and (gasp) green tea. And surely you can't have missed the fact that most posters here are rabidly anti-choice and/or actively trying to get pregnant... so much that it sometimes feels like you need an oxygen mask 'cause of all that sticky baby dust.

So you must also realize that you will NOT get the kind of answers you claim to seek from the people here. But I've found that the people here are actually pretty nice, and many are genuinely caring, kind, and sensitive even when they don't agree with you. I think they deserve the same kindness and consideration in return.

[glad2bamom]

Sadly, it is an ethical decision.  You may not choose to view it as one, but many people do.  Neither is right, neither is wrong.
Jgonzales was speaking the opinion of many on this site--and she has the right, as you do, to post her opinion.  She needn't be told to keep her thoughts to herself.

I think you knew when you opened this thread that it could be a heated one.  You've been around here long enough to know how some of the women feel.

I am admittedly against abortion, and I've had one!!  I have no shame in saying so---I've wished 1,000,000 times that the option had NOT been available to me.  No matter how it would've changed my life.

Unfortunately, in this particular scenario, you may be doing her more harm than good.

[tinaet]

i agree with the last comment, why does she fell that she needs to get an abortion. where is the father in all this and what does he fell about her getting an abortion. I  too don't understand how people can take an abortion lightly and act like it's nothing, Ex. when uses it as a birth control. I don't what to sound mean or anything but i think people need to think how they'll feel in the long run(5 years down the road)!

[Soror]

Don't read too deeply into my use of descriptives, mom...yes I referred to her as a 'girl', this is because she is younger than I am by about seven years...she is nineteen years old, in college, and living at home.  Legally, that makes her an adult capable of her own choices.

Furthermore, and I realize you were not addressing me or discussing the girl when you went on the rant about condom use, no one knows the circumstances by which she became pregnant in the first place.  If it had been so trivial as 'Oh, I had sex without a condom' I'd have told her to rot, but you know what?  That's not the case...but I am not going to explain her situation in detail in a thread wherein I am asking for how to give her advice.

So don't assume.

I don't like abortion, but I also accept that it can and is necessary if pregnancy is poorly timed.  I am pro-choice, and although abortion is not something that should be done trivially by any means, it is a hard reality of this world that timing IS important for someone's future well-being.

Yes, having a child her freshman year in college WILL ruin her life...it WILL give her cause to quit school, and the absence of the father WILL cause her complications in trying to find care for the child or even provide basic necessities.  So Yes, I support her choice for abortion...I also support her choice for having an IUD inserted as soon as it is possible to do so to protect herself against it happening again.

But no, I'm not going to 'urge her to tell her parents'.  She's an adult, it is her choice whether or not to do so...and in her situation, I wouldn't tell mine either...not because it was some sort of dirty secret...but because it is none of their business.  So I will not make myself a hypocrite and give her advice that I myself would never, ever follow.  Those reasons for supporting her are related back to the family she has and how they believe.

As for potential medical emergencies, those angles have been covered...I knew when I posted this thread that there would be some heated replies - I was prepared for it, but I am still working to get experiences from women who have ben through it, none-the-less, so that I can offer her some measure of comfort where she DOES NOT find it in her own mother.

[glad2bamom]

I have been through it.
You just didn't like my response!

Unfortunately, with abortion, whether clinical or medicinal, its not the 2-3 days after that you must think about.  It's the long-term, forever impact on her life.

And, you need to re-read what I said.  I supported you.  It was the other person in the conversation that irritated me.  I couldn't care less how she (your friend) got pregnant.  It doesn't matter to me if she had sex once or one million times unprotected.

Don't ask for opinions from people "who've been there" but disregard responses that don't fit what you want to hear.

Will she bleed?  Yes
Will she be terrified? Yes  
Will she cramp?  Yes
Will she wonder if what she's done is the right thing?  Yes
Will she physically recover?  Yes
Will she go on and finish college/have a career/have a family one day?  Probably.
Will she ever forget?  No

If any woman who's had an abortion says it doesn't ever nag in the back of their minds, they're lying.  I've talked to 100's.  I've worked in a non-religious abortion counseling center for 10 years.  Women from every walk of life, and from every circumstance.

I'm not judging you.  I'm just suggesting, from experience, that you should carefully weigh your decisions regarding this "girl".

[Soror]

I appreciate your experience on the matter.  Thank you for explaining it, and I hope that the condemnation you see in this thread, for better or worse, does not trouble you for the effort of helping me advise and support this friend of mine.

[Soror]

You're right...I didn't...and let me tell you why.

The responses I am disregarding are the ones that beg me to *question* her choice, not the ones that make suggestions on how to proceed.  I recognize that you have experience to offer here, and I have taken that to heart, but what I dislike about the responses I am getting from you is the insistance that her family be involved in something that she had made clear is not their affair.

I am not deciding anything for her, merely being the platform by which she can get these decisions made and follow through.  As she is a good friend of mine, someone I've known for years, I would not let her sit within my hospitality and make a foolish choice, and as it is shown already I have a tendancy of mothering her.  I have not made suggestions about how to proceed, I've just given her a supportive ear when she's needed it, which is what I feel in this situation is required.

There are some things that I see and have trouble watching take place...one of my younger half-sisters was pregnant in high school, and my father refused to allow her to have an abortion.  She was forced -FORCED- to carry the child, give birth to the child, and ultimately she was unable to continue her education and ended up marrying the father, who because he had to support her and the child, was unable to finish anything more than trade school...they will be paupers for the rest of their lives...and she calls me to cry about it a few times every year.  Her child will grow up in that home, most likely loved and at the same time viewed as an immense burden, looked upon like an object of regret.

On another day, to another person I'd say something callous like, 'You had the sex, you bear the responsibility for the child,' but having watched her for a few years, seen her living in poor conditions, seen her life deteriorate and her eyes grow duller and more troubled each passing year, I find myself reconsidering what I'd say, if anything.  Sometimes life isn't simple, sometimes you don't have the convenience of saying a single thing to EVERY situation - which is how I feel in relation to Michelle, the young woman I've been discussing.

I don't want those things for her.  I was fortunate enough to miscarry the pregnancies that occurred during my stint in college, I have not had to go through this entire ordeal beyond the pain of miscarrying itself...and as a declaritive statement:  Had they not miscarried, I'd have aborted them...and to this day, I don't feel any 'what if' or any guilt over it...nor would I.  There is the occasional wonder about what my life would be like had I followed my half-sister's road, but I need not look far for the answer...so no, no guilt.  You can call me a liar, but I'd tell you the same to your face if you asked.

So let me tell you what I want to hear:  Advice from women who have gone through the proceedure and how they physically reacted to it, and what they needed in way of support during and after the abortion.  I've seen three good examples of that, but I am still looking for further experiences to better round out what I could be doing for her.  From what I understand, it's not much different than a miscarriage, but I don't feel that my own experience is enough to support her properly.  

In short:  I am fretting over her.  So, I don't mean to seem like a lion, but I really am asking for some advice here, not just bear baiting.

[shygirl1981]

I dont think having a baby in her freshman year will ruin her life. I think that any woman is strong enough to handle a lot more than we think. I know women who have put themselves through school, as single mothers. I know a woman who traveled the world with her four year old son strapped to her back. I'm sure there are many many women who have accomplished the impossible, and been single moms too. It is possible.

[HIS GIFT TO US]

I've read thru the posts & I remember being close to 16yrs old in school & one of my good friends decided to have an abortion, I never tried to talk her out of it, I never said this is a good decision for u, but I never ever tried to get her to change her mind. I've never had an abortion, but til this day everytime I hear the word I think of her & me not trying to make her see there more options, even though I was so young myself. The reason I wrote all this was b/c I hope u have thought of how this will also affect your life from now on. I know we can't make someone do what we want but I would give anything to go back & at least try w/ my friend. So before u go thru this w/ her make sure you've said or done all u can. This doesn't go away over night. Maybe she'll change her mind, a baby won't ruin her life at all, it changes things, but often times the choices we make thinking we r fixing things makes a larger mess than we could ever imagine. Does she know detail for detail how an abortion works? This is such a haunting thing.
This is so sad, look at it like your friend already has a child thats here on earth & she's decided the child has become too much of a hassle so she's going to end his/his life so she can have a good education, more money or whatever u imagine. It's very selfish & I'm sure u wouldn't help her in ending that childs life would u? Of course not so really think this out & maybe u can shed some light in on her. It's so sad here I am counting down the days of my babys arrival & moms r out there counting there babys death day down!!! Hope she changes her mind & keeps her precious baby. She'll find a better reason for living, it won't ruin her life by becoming a mom.

[mslkpage]

What you have to understand is that this is a patient to patient forum. Although some of us have worked in the counseling field, we are only here to offer our persoanl opinions. What happens then is you get many opinions based on everyone's beliefs and experiences.

The best advice I can offer you is think about who supported you during your m/c. Think about what they did or said that was helpful, and then do the same for your friend.

[girl522]

I don't post on here very often, but always get a little agravated when I read about people trying to push their beliefs on others.  Although, there are many women on here TTC, this is NOT the TTC forum.  It's is a women's forum for all women's issues.  I can sympathasize with this young women as I am a college student myself.  I agree with the original poster that it would ruin her life.  Right now the most important thing for her to do is get her education.  If I found myself in the same situation, I know I would make the same choice.  Not because I am selfish and only care about myself, but because I know I wouldn't be able to provide for my child.

Soror: I have not been through an abortion myself but I have known people who have.  When she comes home she will probably just sleep for the rest of the day.  I would ask the clinic if there is anything she can take for pain afterwards.  I would assume ibuprofen.  I had the Mirena IUD for about 3 months, when last week my body decided to reject it.  It was the most painful experience of my life.  I went to the doctor immediately to get it removed and was sore for several days afterwards.  Could not lift anything, sit up for long periods of time and it even hurt to go to the bathroom.  Let her know that if she gets an IUD, before she has unprotected sex with anyone to make sure they are free of STDS.  My doctor told me that if I got an STD on it, I would get so much scar tissue I would be infertile.  I commend you for taking care of her, and not being judgemental.  Good Luck!

[boogaloo]

I had an abortion 15 years ago when I was 20.  It was the right choice for me at that time.  If I were to be in the same situation as I was then, I would do it again.  It absolutely has not destroyed my life.  I am comfortable with the choice that I made.  I have gone on to have children and am still ok with that choice.

To the original poster.  The days following the procedure were not that difficult.  I was pretty numb emotionally.  It took a week to really have the whole situation sink in.

From what I understand, the pill is more painful then actually getting the medical abortion.  It is her choice.  

I am glad that she has a friend she can go to with this.  As you can see by some of the posters, there a quite a few pro-life fanatics when it comes to this issue. What they don't realize is that their behavior is a complete and utter turn off and will not change a woman's mind.

[glad2bamom]

*reminder*
No one is pushing beliefs from my end.  She asked for opinions, she got them.