8 year old daughter is impossible

[Alexasmommy]

i have worked really hard to raise my daughter to be a kind, thoughtful person who is well mannered and respectful. As a general rule until lately she has been all those things. Now i have a tantrum throwing, screaming, argumentative, eyerolling neck snapping primadonna on my hands. She is selfish to disgusting levels, when she used to share and help. things as simple as not being allowed to wear a soaking wet jacket in 40 degree weather and being asked to wear a nice soft cashmere sweater instead... cashmere! results in an epic tantrum. she is constantly irrational.

in school she is doing really well, great grades her techer loves her, she cooperates and gets along beautifully, but when that little girl gets off her bus at the end of the day she turns into an intolerable stuck up selfish brat. If i saw my daughter on TV i would think to myself that her parents must be a joke... except in this case I'm the joke.

I have no idea where i've gone wrong, my husband and i have dedicated ourselves to teaching our children reward and consequence, the value of thinking for themselves and making good decisions.

i have tried EVERYTHING rewards, grounding, chores, talking, warning her that she is making bad decisions, spanking, you name it... and i still have a little girl who tells me that it's not her fault because she's tired even though she went to bed at 7:30p that it's because her friends are little brats there's always a reason so long as she dosn't have to take responsability or adjust her behavior she's happy... the rest of my family loathes 4:40p when we know she's coming home from school, thinking about the weekends makes me cringe.

She's on adderall for ADD we've recently upped the dose in hopes of helping since she's an angel on it and an uncooperative brat with out it, we realized her meds were wearing off before she came home from school, thus the duality of School Alexandra and home Alexandra. this still isn't helping.

I'm getting to a breaking point where i don't know what to do, but i do know that my daughter is a spoiled rotten nightmare and i dread being anywhere near her. consequences don't help, reason dosn't help, physical punishment dosn't help, talking dosn't help, rewards don't help, if i give two choices she wants choice number 3, whatever wasn't offered is what she'll battle over for HOURS. if she has the option to eat ice cream or jump off a cliff it seems that she would chose to jump off the cliff... she can't make a good decision to save herself or my sanity.

she's also taken to walking away while being talked to, rolling her eyes, swiveling her neck while she raises her voice to me, slamming doors, laying on the floor and litterally kicking her feet and throwing things. her newest tactic is to repeat the same sentence over and over. for example " Alexandra it's time for bed i let you stay up a half hour later than usual so lets get a move on and brush your teeth" to which Alexandra replies " but i'm not tired" i will remind her that i did something nice for her and this is not the way to say thank you, please go to bed " but i'm not tired" no matter what i say even if it's "enough, just go" she will continue to reinterate the same phrase until i want to tear my hair out and stuff it in my ears just so i don't have to listen to her make the same statement over and over again as if that has ever ever ever changed my mind or done anything BUT get her into trouble... please... i can't stand my own daughter and i'm out of ideas, i feel i've truly tried everything....


This discussion is related to 8 year old with daily temper tantrums.

[specialmom]

Okay, this is your daughter you are bashing here . . . over and over and over.  I guess you are just venting or something.  But I will be real honest-----  with the way you spoke of her . . . I find it highly doubtful that you raised her to be so  kind and nice.  You aren't being very nice or kind about her.  Dead honest with that opinion.  So some behavior must be learned.

With that said, I have a son with a developmental delay called sensory integration disorder.  He can be very challenging at times.  But when he is, it is usually is because his delay is not regulated.  Sensory is like ADD as in it is a delay that affects the nervous system.  You get that if your daughter was diagnosed with ADD that she has a developmental delay, right?  I mean-----  you do understand that, right?  Have you ever thought that her actions or reactions to things could have something to do with that? . . .for example-----  most kids with add or sensory have a flight or fight response to stimuli that bothers their nervous system.  (ie:  cashmere wouldn't be worn by my son either . . .).  Also kids like this try to control their enviroment as a coping mechanism to get by.  Just to maintain a normal day-----  she does far more than you ever do.   She is working with a nervous system that is working against her.   I would think you would be celebrating that she is doing so well in school.   That is awesome!  You need to spend more time thinking of what this girl does right.  She senses how you feel about her----  make no doubt about it.  I hope she recovers from that.

As a therapist, I often treated adults that came out of a situation like your daughter.  A mother or father that couldn't stand them.  It makes me very sad for your daughter's future.  

This was not intended to put you down----  but from one mom to another (and as I said----  I AM one who is raising a difficult child)----  it is time to change your perspective on this situation.  It will benefit everyone including yourself.  Good luck.

[becca199499]

You might have a daughter with "High Functioning Autism or also known as Aspergers" that's how I used to act when I got upset. I am a female now 22 years old and an aspie. She's having what the psychologists call "meltdowns" from over stimulation. I would see if your insurance will pay for testing and do it ASAP. She needs early intervention. A late diagnosis is a disastrous thing. Good luck!

[Luckymama1116]

My daughter is four and acts very similar but maybe not so severe and my mom was pretty physical with my sister and me as children and I swore I'd never put a hand on my children but I've learned that   sometimes a little smack on the butt mixed with LOTS of love can go a long way!!! First I'll correct her and tell her if she continues she will go to her room and I'll physically put her there if I have to and tell her I will take away phone,video games,not let her see friends etc. Sometimes that don't work and she will start the yelling,stomping,and throwing and that's when I smack her (only on butt) not just a tap either but not excessive. Just enough to make her settle down because she don't want to have to feel that sting again. Then she usually goes and cries and it breaks your heart a little but once she settles I go and hug her and tell her how much I love her and how much it hurts me when I have to do that but I asked you nicely and you left me with no choice and explain how I want her to grow up to b the sweet little girl I know she truly is. I also make sure that at least once a week we do something special together like taking her to a park,or even cuddling with her and reading a book or watch a movie. Whatever it is,I make sure she knows that I like spending "quality time" with her just mother and daughter time and let her know how much I enjoy spending time with her because I've seen with other kids,if they feel like they're not getting enough love or attention,they will act out just to get the attention. Just always say things to them  , wether it's how beautiful u think they are after their shower,or how much you like something they made in school and always show that u are interested in every aspect of their lives. I know I'll probably get a lot of grief about the physical punishment but just know I'm not saying to turn around and wack them every time they **** u off. It's something you do when all else fails and once they know that you will spank them,you won't have to do it very often because they will think twice before they misbehave. I think of it like how criminals usually think twice about committing another crime because they will end up in jail again. But don't forget to make them laugh once in a while. Sometimes my daughter will be on her phone for an extended period of time so I'll just go over and tickle her and give her a big kiss and ask her to come sit with me or help me with dinner. Always make them feel needed and without them you would be lost. In my case,I truly would be lost without my babies,they are the reason I push forward everyday. I probably wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for them. I am a recovering heroin addictt and pronounced dead twice and when I found out I was pregnant with my 1st,the 4 yr old daughter I referred to on my post,I thought I wasn't fit to be a mother but could not bring myself to terminate the pregnancy so I went to rehab and stayed clean the entire pregnancy. I admit I relapsed 3 times in the past 4 years but I still move forward and get stronger every day and now my husband and I have our 2nd child who is a 5 month old beautiful baby boy and never thought I would feel so blessed in my life. I thought I would never deserve a happy family of my own and here I am!! So I cherish every moment and I just want to advise u that I would NEVER put my child on drugs unless the benefits outweighed the risks by a long shot because it is very true that it can lead to drug abuse in their future and will changer her and your family's life forever!!! I wish u the best of luck and hope my advice helped even a little bit❤

[annemoss]

You should hide your picture and username when posting this.  I know this is an old post, but get to it as soon as you can.  She may well see this and it would be devastating.

[Oahugirl]

I know people who were put on ADD meds like Adderall and then they grew up and became meth and crack heads. Why? Because those drugs give them the same kind of feeling as the drugs they took for ADD as a child, so it feels "like home" to them. Look into root causes of illnesses and find all natural cures (especially for kids!) before putting kids on pharmaceutical drugs or else one day you might have a meth head child who's stealing your stuff for their next high. I agree with the people who are saying that drugging the child isn't the answer, love is the answer, and yes, you are causing trauma to her emotionally and she will probably end up needing therapy for it. Kids CAN feel your energy towards them and they know when you're hating them. The younger they are, the more sensitive they usually are to this. I'm 38 and still remember TO THIS DAY some of the most hateful things my mom said to me and trust me, it ***** you up as an adult when you need to work through all the ******** you dealt with as a child.

[sugarserpent]

You're the one driving a wedge between the two of you which is making her feel unloved, because clearly you are not giving her the love she deserves. When you are unloved, you act unloved. If you placed importance on your relationship instead of "fixing her," you wouldn't have a problem. I had a mother like you. She is not in my life anymore. You are trying to control every bit of her. Drugs do not help people. Love does. If you made the decision to keep your pregnancy you need to own up to your responsibility of LOVE AND FORGIVENESS. Simple. You're expecting so much out of her. Stop being so ******* uptight and trying to take the upper hand over her, only caring about "winning" at parenting by controlling your child better than everyone else. She's a PERSON, JUST LIKE YOU. In fact, she's half of you. You need to cherish her like the beautiful gift she is. In the end, what will be important? Just leave her alone and stop this abuse. Drugging children is criminal. As long as you keep on this way don't worry, you won't have to deal with her very soon when she has weathered 18 winters because she won't be contacting you any longer. You must be the change you wish to see. Other people are mirrors... What you see in another will reveal the truth within yourself. If someone is giving you trouble, ponder why? Everything happens for a reason. Life is only as big as you perceive it to be. If you are seeing these things in someone else, what does that say about you? You can only find the answer within yourself.

[momofdaughterwithdmdd]

I have a 8 and a half year old daughter who sounds exactly like your daughter by the end of the day I feel like I have 600 bald spots on my head Im actually on anxiety medication because of her behavior & my inability to handle it all in stride(not her fault) don't get me wrong I love her she is my heartbeat I attempt to give her affection thousand times a day 999 times im rejected but thats ok but in my journal I have to vent I have to put my real feelings down or else they will come out towards her, and she had enough feelings going on inside without me making her feel worse. she sees a psychologist and after several visits we finally have gotten an accurate diagnosis which is dmdd you may look that up its often confused or undiagnoised with children having ADHD ODD and bipolar disorder Im not a therapist I have no qualifications but just something to read up on and maybe talk to your doctor or psychologist about and see what he thinks and as for the other more righteous than thou mom we mothers get on here to get support so that we can be better mothers to our children maybe you need to find a different kind of forum I will not be getting back on this forum because I dont even want to hear your response because Im sure there will be one since you know everything and you do everything the best and Id like to say to all the other parents out there we all want our children to be happy and healthy and if were lucky theyre healthy or happy and extremely lucky if we might get one thats both but I have 4 children and my daughter occupies most of the time my younger son is the sweetest little boy but he is starting to have anger problems because he doesnt get as much attention as what he should the baby cant even talk yet so Im not sure where thats going & fortunately for my oldest hes My Step son and he lives with his mom 75% of the time.

[Trying_mum]

She may be being overly good at school so venting at home because it's safe, parents see the dark side of their kids. I had this behaviour with my daughter, she stole my make up from me, would chuck such bad tantrums my neighbours moved and once screamed all night  because I refused to let her walk to a festival in the dark and thunderstorms by herself, she was 12 at the time. If anything went wrong she had a screaming fit, in the end I started laughing at them because it was like having a tuneless opera crossed with a bad thrash band in my house.

My relieves think the sun shines from her soul and she is an angel, she was silent through school and just worked really hard. She wasn't accepted in school until she found some good, slightly quirky kids at the end and she calmed down when I let her go to a festival with another family and my blessing, she was fine and came back a happy and grateful kid who found her identity, she even got her first A grade for writing an account of the experience.

Now she rebels through her looks and is annoyingly assertive. Green hair  grows out and her look suits her, she's going to college, getting great grades and in a band and doing well in a part time job.

[Ldavis19]

I think she is just venting because she doesn't know what to do. I at times feel the same way. Its exhausting especially when you don't know what to do. My daughters broken a couch and a glass closet door. She has been in a mental health facility to be told there is nothing wrong with her it was a weeks vacation. I understand the tone your are picking up on but honest feelings are helpful to get out at times. I think she is just scared that she cant help her daughter and that's exactly how I feel. Will my daughter ever have a normal life? As parents you want that

[rionol]

SpecialMom, you are very harsh!! You call yourself a "therapist", but you are most demeaning towards Alexasmommy - and I quote you "I find it highly doubtful that you raised her to be so  kind and nice"!!! What the hell do you know about their situation?

I share Alexasmommy sentiments all the way.  I too have a very challenging 9 1/2 year old at the moment, ok, I have not had her diagnosed or screened for anything as yet (due to affordability etc).  But I too am feeling frustrated and feel like I have no where to turn.  I too want to just "jump ship", but know I can't and therefore have to deal with the situation in the best way I know how, which is not much at the moment.

adh3 - you are a really nice, understanding person.

Wishing you all well with the kids.

[thebombmom0528]

SpecialMommy...reallly, don't judge. I have an 8 year old w/ ADHD inattentive type & Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I find myself in the same situation as AlexasMommy about 50% of the time. When my daughter's meds are on board...it is bliss. She is kind, thoughtful and affectionate. An absolute gem. When the meds wear off or she hasn't gotten enough rest she is an absolute nightmare. I am on eggshells constantly worrying about how she will behave, YES--morning and evening routines make me a nervous wreck and YES--I dread weekends. You have NO IDEA what this woman is going through...therapist or not and regardless of what you are dealing with regarding your own child. This is a heartbreaking situation. No mother wants to feel animosity toward their own child...but this behavior is physically, emotionally and mentally exhausting. If you were blessed with the patience and insight to deal with these types of conditions--God bless you. However, most of us aren't. I would take a bullet for my daughter...I love her more than my own life. However, this does not make day to day life any easier for me or her or our family.

[adhd3]

I just came downstairs after trying to reconcile things with my 61/2 year old daugther with adhd/anxiety. I typed in my daughter is impossible and saw your post. I too am a therapist (social worker) and completely get the adhd/sensory stuff. That being said.  You need to vent and let some things go, sure (like the cashmere sweater thing), but you don't need a lecture or sarcasm about your understanding of your daughters condition. You need some support, some, thanks for being a great mom and sorry I don't appreciate you enough mom. None of us asked for children with special needs and you can have the patience of a saint and still want to pull your hair out at the end of the day.   All that being said, we have to remember it's not personal.  They can't explain why they feel so bad after they've had to hold it together all day.  So they look at the closest thing to them - you. I'm going back upstairs and reminding myself this is not personal and I have to allow myself to lose my temper on occassion.  Getting help with the medication can be important. My daughter could not tolerate stimulants alone.  We had to pursue nonstimulants like Intuniv and for the emotional overreactions we've been trying Celexa. She's doing much better and well at school too (social stuff is a bit iffy still), I have to remind myself when she's worse - at the end of the day, after school, or when she's hungry, or when she needs to make a transition.  God bless you Alexasmommy. Keep doing your best and vent if it helps.  I pray for you that you and your family will find peace somehow in all of this.

[benjimom]

Yes, if you are seeing a psychiatrist, then I would go back and discuss with him the behaviours you are seeing.   If she wants to wear teh wet jacket, I would let her and let her have the consequences, she will learn.

[joie4earth]

I have a friend who's son was on Adderrall when he was a teenager and it made him violent and angry. He said and did things he had never said or done before. Once he stopped taking that medicine, he was back to his normal self again. I would consider looking into other ways to treat your daughter's ADD.