staying patient with your anorexic

[cgmom1114]

My fourteen year old has been in treatment since the age of 12 for her anorexia. She has been hospitalized twice, the last time this past summer for about a month and a half. She does okay for a little while but seems to always return to highly restrictive behaviors. We have done family therapy, continue with intensive individual therapy, weekly nutritionist visits, medical doctor visits regularly, and tons of prayer. We put our child in a special school where she could hopefully feels safe and grow. The school has  a special network of highly qualified teachers and counselors. The school alone is very expensive, about 14,000 a year. We are going broke trying to find recovery and not seeing it is driving me mad. My daughter doesn't want to get better is very honest about this and it hurts terribly to watch her starve herself. All we want is to see our child recover and find happiness and health. She has never been abused or neglected. We are a loving family that is willing to do anything to get our daughter out of the grips of  anorexia. Anyone else out there dealing with this and if so, how do you cope when it starts to look hopeless? I am having a really difficult time staying patient and not let the ED take over this house.


This discussion is related to How long take this to be cure?.

[shlee1016]

I really feel for you parents and families who are in these situations as well. It must be so difficult because there is only so much one can do from the outside. It is within the individual who has the eating disorder to get better. To be on the outside is very hard and I know personally I feel very helpless at times when those I know are struggling and there's only so much I can do. I am fortunate to have the experience of my own eating disorder and lots of treatment though, so I can often help them. It's when the person doesn't want help though...is when it gets much more difficult. One thing I do think about your daughter is that she will get tired of this, hit some sort of "rock bottom," and decide she wants help. Do you feel that she is sad and miserable with this disease yet? She's very young and it sounds like she's been in treatment a lot. Maybe she hasn't had a chance to really feel that it's a miserable, lonely disease. I might be wrong, as I do not know your story. I have so much I could say, but will conclude here for right now, as I also have many questions to go along with it. I will try to help as much as I possibly can. I suppose I should introduce myself though huh? I'm Ashley, a 23 year old who has struggled with an eating disorder since age 13. I am pro-recovery, and I want to help others who are suffering, and if I can be of help to you in any way, please let me. Also, feel free to message me if you wish. Have a wonderful day!

Ashley

[Zoelula]

I can't even imagine what it must be like to have worries like that about your daughter's well-being and to feel helpless. For me, I was bulimic not anorexic. I used to wish I was anorexic and when I hear young girls say that now I wince. But I did all the same crazy things to control my weight: fasting, binging and purging, laxatives, diuretics and I became addicted to speed which of course became a problem in and of itself. For me, I've always been my own therapist and I had read enough about eating disorders to be able to step back and realize I was under the control of a powerful disease and my self-image, cravings, and impulses were all a part of that disease. I finally got to the point where I was more bothered by the insanity that my life had become-spending all day every day obsessing about food, trying not to binge, bingeing anyway, feeling disgusted, purging, etc than I was by the extra weight (like many bulimics I was never obese). I decided to accept temporarily the extra weight and work on getting rid of the craziness. I do have to admit that I was much older than your daughter when I got into recovery. But I have certainly worked with young women who, with help could get into recovery earlier. I think a positive support group of people her age or a little older who are in recovery who she may admire might help. OA has young people's meetings in some areas where she could find and work with a sponsor. I know it isn't easy and I would be lying if I didn't say it might be years of one step forward two steps back. But I firmly believe no matter what she says or does she knows you love her and that matters a great deal (even if it doesn't feel like it to you right now).

I second your message to other girls who might be struggling. That's why I check into this website, to say there is hope. Today I am at my perfect weight (5'6" 132 lbs) and I vary up or down by only a couple pounds. It took me a long time to understand I can eat normally and stay the same weight. I love to cook and eat ethnic foods and for fifteen years have been  able to enjoy my food, eating three meals a day and nothing in between and no sugar (I firmly believe it is addictive to me). Two years ago I was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes which means I have to monitor and obsess somewhat about what I eat which is exactly what I learned not to do to recovery from my ED! But with 15 years recovery behind me I've made the adjustment very well.

I hope this new year (decade!) brings recovery to your daughter and peace of mind to you. Do take care of yourselves so that your life isn't all about struggle.
Zoe

[matt_s]

Thanks for posting!  A year ago I would have never thought this would happen.  My daughter was 16, 5'3" and ~130lbs.  She was working as a lifeguard (in swimsuit a lot) and I knew she was worried about her weight.  She started making excuses to be away from home at meal time.  I thought she was just a busy teenager.  One day I discovered vomit on the bottom of the toilet seat in her bathroom.  This jarred our awareness and a lot of things started to make sense.  We made her quit her job.  We tried to work it out ourselves but to no avail.  In May she started to see a therapist.  By this time she was down to 115 pounds.  Money started to disappear in our home.  We checked her room and found a stash of junk food.  She would take her own money or steal ours and buy junk food and purge it.  We took away her debit card and locked our cash in a small safe.  In September she "overdosed' on laxatives and spent the night in the hospital.  She was down to 105 pounds, cold, sleepy all the time, and her blood chemistry was all messed up.  That was the tipping point.  We ended up with a deal that the therapist, dr., and us agree on.  Here it is....  We all agree this is a disease, such as diabetes or any other.  We all agree it will take a long time to solve and there will be progress and setbacks.  Our daughter has to be open, honest, desire to get better; and we must be supportive, not negative.  Here is the tough part...  We will allow her to purge from time to time (once or twice every other day) as long as she eats a healthy meal at some other time that day and keeps her weight at 110 lbs.  The goal is to gradually reduce the purging.  This seems to be working although there are setbacks.  

[cgmom1114]

Thank you for the encouraging words. I think sometimes we just begin to feel exhausted and feel after so much work and dedication things would turn a corner. Maybe it is selfish of us to want to see recovery as soon as possible. Anorexia is so difficult because everyone but the anorexic wants recovery. At least that seems to be the case with all the people we have met through all this.

I really admire you for getting through such a powerful eating disorder on your own. Not many people can do it alone. As a mother, it is difficult to let go. It is like watching your child drown and being told to stay on the sidelines. It is the doctors, therapists, and nutritionist that guide us and give us suggestions of how to help. The benefit of having such a strong team is that it does allow us to parent and not be food police but trust me, it isn't easy. You are right about letting go some and I appreciate your input. I will work harder on that but I admit if I could fix this I would. I sometimes can't sleep because I worry our daughter may not wake up. Her heart rate has been so low and doctors have warned us that she could go into cardiac arrest. She is cold all the time and doesn't have a normal 98.6 temperature. I am sure many parents know exactly what I am talking about. For anyone going through this, please talk to your parents. We do care and love a great deal. When someone in the family is suffering it affects the entire family. Parents may not be happy with certain behaviors but it really doesn't lessen their love. We parents tend to only love more not less. Zoe, I would love to know what made you want to get better.

Matt, my thoughts are with you. Staying at a constant weight is really something to celebrate. I hope in time both our children start to see we aren't out to make them fat but are actually on the same side. We want our children happy and healthy. Please let me know how things continue. It is always reassuring to know we aren't alone in this. So many people just don't truly get it although they try.

Thanks again. Your time is very much appreciated.

[Zoelula]

My heart goes out to you parents, this is the first post I've seen hear from parents and I feel that you need as much support as your children to deal with what must be very heart-breaking and frustrating from the outside. I suffered from an eating disorder for most of my life and now have been in recovery for 15 years. I never had any help at all but did it myself. The disadvantage to that was that I was much older before I finally got recovery.
I don't have any magical words for you except that anorexia especially is a disease of control. You can't do it for your daughter no matter how much money you spend and how many programs you put her in. I know all your efforts come from desperation and love but you might actually be doing TOO much. I know how counter-intuitive it might sound but you might have to let go a bit and let her take responsibility for her own life and illness. I'm sure the psychologists have said something similar. She's got to want it and she's just not there. I can only imagine how hard it is to wait for her to do that.

What I can suggest for you is to connect to some other parents online or even better in a realtime support group so that you have support for yourselves and what you are going through. Best of luck to you.
Zoe

[matt_s]

We are in a similar situation with our 17 year old.  We have managed to keep her a low but constant weight, but its a daily battle with no end in sight.  It's so hard as society treats her so much better now that she is thin.