kicked my son out on the street

[islandcat]

I'm new here. I am going through tough times with my 23 yr old son. He was jobless and took him in. He is addicted to oxy, percs and pretty much any type of pill. Did not know this.  He has good days where not sure he is taking anything as he will never admit to it. Then days on end where he is high and abusive to me. Then the days on end when he sleeps for 4 or 5 days straight, detoxing I guess. I have talked to drug counsellors to understand these drugs better. I have done everything I can to help him but he wont even admit to his habit let alone help himself.  I find pills everywhere and worry about my granddaughter finding them. Last nite did me in when I found out he had stolen from a friend, obviously to get money for more pills. I hate myself, it hurts so much to shut the door on him but I cant live like this anymore and am probably responsible for enabling by giving him a bed and food. It doesnt help that I have already lost a child and am always waiting for the call that he has overdosed again. Has anyone else been through this? Not sure this is where to post this but need to understand what is happening with him and these drugs.  I have to be strong because I know the phone calls and his tears to come home will start but cannot trust anything he says anymore.  Any advice would be very welcome.  

[gizzy32]

Don't hate yourself:( I am so sorry your going through this with your son. It's so hard when we can't admit we have a problem, denial plays a major role in addiction and since he don't want help this is very difficult. I guess it's easy for us to say don't let him back and tough love, but it is true and your no longer enabling him now. When the tears come and he wants to come back he needs to agree to some type of help. In active use we lie about how much and if we are using so stay strong. There are other Mother's on here going through this and can give you better advice. You will learn a lot here. take care of yourself and good luck.

[IBKleen]

Hi Mom,

I cannot identify from a mother’s point of view, only from mine. My mom did to me what you just did to your son. Or I should say, did FOR your son. My mom finally said “NO” to me after many years of drug abuse, lying, stealing, etc. At that moment I hated her but I thank her today, although she has passed. It was the beginning of the end for me when she turned her back. I finally got into in-patient treatment and finally got the help I needed.

Please do not ever feel guilty. You are doing the right thing for you and for him. The first step to him getting healthy, and clean, is to admit that he has a problem and to realize he needs help. You cannot do that for him. He has to want the help and he has to ask for it.  Becoming humble in the throws of addiction is very hard for the addict but it is a necessary step.

As hard as it is, stand your ground. You don’t deserve to be abused or humiliated because of his addiction. You are NOT to blame. Once he knows there is help out there, he has a choice whether or not to use drugs.

If he comes to you crying, don’t break. It is the addict talking, not your son. Let him know that there is help for him and you will help him ONLY if he goes into rehab, let’s say. There are many options for him. Listen to what the members here have to say, they are good people with tons of experience who can guide you.

Please keep coming back and posting. You are welcome here and you are in the right place. Whenever you want to talk, vent, ask questions or just cry…this is the place.

You are in my thoughts and my prayers.

[Icka]

I can't say I am exactly in your shoes because it is not my son but my boyfriend and the father of my child on the way. You are doing the right thing although t is hard. I have kicked mine to the curb a million times and here I am agian on day 2. You take him in you are an anabler (sp) thats me, thats what I do. My boyfriend use to be a great guy now he scares the **** out of me. Has cleaned out my bank accounts, stolen credit cards, every electronic I owned, money from his sons bank, as well as his game system, jewlrey.... I can go on forever. It is best you got him out before it got that bad. But I will tell you it won't get any easier. He will come crying, begging for you to take him in, making promises that he WILL get better if onlu he can come back home. Best way to help is to say no. It will be the hardest thing in the whole world to do and I have alwasy givin in at that point. I will keep u in my prayers please countine to post!

[cathy5841]

i am so sorry you are dealing with this.  believe me i know your pain.  i have been on both sides of this coin.  i am an addict and my daughter is too.  she is 80 days clean...this time...unfortunately until he seew he has a problem he cant be helped.  i cam to the same place you are at...and my daughter has a two and a half year old son...everyones rock bottom is at a different point, but first they have to know they have a problem.  i hope he gets there soon..if you need to talk you can pm me.

[Trademup]

I'm sorry to disagree with you, but I'd like to offer my perspective as I am 24, and fighting against pill addiction as well. Believe me when I tell you this, of all the things I regret from my addiction, the one that hurts me the most is the years I spent not being able to look my own mother in the eye. I did not want to lie to her, but I knew that the truth would hurt her so much. Similar to your situation, my parents KNEW something was up. They confronted me, but never in a threatening manner. I think the most important thing you can convey to your son, is that you love him, you want him to get better, you want him to be happy, you see that he is not, but no matter what you'll always be there for him. I think your son needs help. I know it hurts you when he is high at home, and abusive, but I bet it hurts more not knowing where he is, or waiting on that phone call that something has happened. I cannot imagine the position I would be in if my parents had thrown me out. Again I do not know your situation at all, I dont know how bad it has gotten, but I trully believe you need to approach this with all the love that you have for who your son was before he fell into this trap. At 23, and on the street, I cannot imagine your son wants to continue using, he feels that he has no choice, like I felt. My reccomendation is that you get some suboxone or subutex, whether from a doctor, or from elsewhere. Many on this site are against it, but it sounds like your son is so deep that his mind might not be in the right place to quit using. With the suboxone his brain will get some time to repair itself before making the plunge. I put myself on suboxone at age 23, without consulting a doctor, I would get it illegally. I kept myself on it for well over a year, but now I am finally rid of it. During that time I was able to get a job, get my life back on track. After I felt that I was in a good place in my life I was ready to put it down. Now I am almost a month clean, and let me tell you, nothing feels so good as telling my mother the truth, that I feel good now, and that I am not taking any pills. I wish you the best of luck, I hope everything turns out ok, you and your son both deserve a better life. Live and Love
M

[jt808]

i too have to disagrre with u i too am 25 yrs old and i totally agree what the poster above me said cause i was in the same shoes as ur son giv or take a lil here or tjhere and my parnts were so concictant and persistant it didnt work over nite but by havn there in dying love made me wana do it i have failed alot and who knows may again but rite now im not and dont wana if u throw him out yes it mite work but if he was like me it would make thngs sooooo much worse id probably be dead in a alley cause i would have no one else and fall deeper and deeper into addication to numb the pain of knowing everythng is gone but it mite wake him up but i have a feeling that its the other worse of the 2 that would happan so plz just thnk bout this u said u have already lost a child u have to fite even if he doesnt wana yet he will eventually just plz thnk bout it and dont give up on him im sure everyone else in his life already has so dont u either mom.... good luck hope all eventually gets beter for u and him. if u got any Qs for me being around his age and going thru same stf dont hesitate to jsut ask

[LIZZIE LOU]

at no point did the original poster state that she had given up on her son or would not support his recovery.  she came to this site, didnt she?

islandcat...
FIRST AND FOREMOST...you have to take care of yourself.  get to some meetings with other parents who are going through the same thing.  you will learn alot about, not only addiction, but yourself.  you do NOT have to live the life of addiction anymore ! ! !

i've said it many times...but the reality of the situation is you cannot love your son sober.  he will not end his addiction for you...his g/f...his family.  he will end his addiction when HE admits he is an addict and is powerless over his drug.

i'm sure that your son knows that you love him and that you are there to help him...if and when he decides to do something about his addiction.  make sure he knows that you will no longer support his ADDICTION...but you will do everything in your power to support his RECOVERY.  an example of what i have done...as a mother of three addicts...is to do the groundwork.  over the years, i've spent many a sleepless night searching the internet for different rehab programs.  i kept the names, addresses, phone numbers and all pertinent information in a little book.  when my sons came crying and crawling back...they were handed the book.  this put the responsiblity back to them.

please know that there are several "mothers of addicts" here on this forum.  we fully understand your pain and frustration and are here to support you.

[mtgoat911]

the people who are still using are going to tell you to let your son move back in
the people in recovery are going to back you with your tough love descion
i myself acted as a hurricane destoying family life, i continued to do so until they let me go and i have been clean ever since
there is a book called no more letting go, your local library should have it
there is also a good bit of help available to parents of addicted children, start with the courage to change
when it comes down to it my parents had to protect themselves, while i was using i thought they were being selfish, now that i am clean i see that i was being selffish
it wasnt easy, i was homeless my first year in recovery, i lived at a pay by weekly hotel, went to na meetings, and out patients support groups, i started taking action and began treating my illness
with no one left to take care of me, i was forced to take action

[JENZ_N_RECOVERY]

Hey....im so sorry your haven to go thro this! my mom (cathy5841) posted above and trust me when i tell you that i did so many things to my family and son that now that i am sober....i cant beleive i did....i hate my self for all the horrible things i did....i am clean now and see the whole picture as my son gets older and i pray that he doesnt go down the same road....
you can only help him if he wants help....take it from me.....i learnd the hard way!
keep your head up....if i can come outa it your son can to!

[jt808]

i dont kno if u were talkin to me but i didnt say she dint lov her son im sayn that how he will feel i kno this cause i woulda felt the same way u way isnt the best way im where her son is at i was just givn her other options cause as being a kid thats how i would feel,

[newgirl2708]

I am first so very sorry to hear that you're going through this. We all know you tried and exhausted every avenue before you told your adult son you had had enough.

I kicked my son out when he was 16 for completely different reasons. By the time I did though, I was through. It wasn't in haste. I was done and knew it was time. Unfortunately. No mother should ever have to do that. Ever. For me, I knew I did the right thing for my family and myself.

With that said, and I don't know if you're a religious person or not, but you will get my drift when I tell you this. It was the first weekend I was at church after this happened when our/his youth pastor came up after church and asked where he was. When I told him, he knew. He agreed and understood completely. How comforting, that's his job right? Well, it was at the very end of our conversation when he said something I'll never forget and to this day I reflect on it. He said:

Even God kicked Adam and Eve out.

Hope this helps. Keep us posted. You've done the right thing.
Best Wishes,
ng

[HelpinUtah]

It's not the same sweetie, but my brother lived with me for years and I had to finally kick him out.  He ended up living in a shelter.  To this day, he thanks me for helping him get his life together.  I know it's difficult, but you can only do so much.  I can tell you love him very much!  He might not feel like it right now, but in time, if he can get himself cleaned up - he will be thankful you stood your ground and made him grow up and believe in himself!

I am keeping you and your son in my prayers!  

Hugs,
Janet

[stilltrying1965]

I am the wife of stilltrying and a mother of 2 a son and a daughter.Having been an addict myself and only 25days into recovery i know the things my husband and myself  have done to our parents but my mum never knew (i think she maybe did but didnt want to believe it) but my husbands parents knew about him. Hes been nasty and verbally abusive to his mum when he couldnt get drugs but she never threw him out or anything and no matter what let us stay whenever we needed too. I also have a son who started to use cocaine (i knew by the way his attitude had changed towards me) for a while and when he came to me when he fell out with his partner and was quite abusive i knew it wasnt him it was the cocaine or lack of it, but i could not throw him out or turn him away i was to scared he ended up on the street. I know most of the mums above would disagree with me but i just wanted to say that maybe if you try a different approach or something, anything, but you must keep trying.As my son told me after it. If i had ever refused him into the house or told him to leave he would have given up on life altogether so i am glad i never turned him away. I also have a couple of friends that have been in the same situation and although it took a long time they eventually stopped acting like that and have started to turn their lives around. In fact we started detoxing at my husbands mum and he wasnt the best person to be around while doing it but we are still there and his attitude has changed big time. Its the addiction that makes him act that way not him. I think tough love can work in some people but i dont think i could risk it with my child. I think the love for our children is unconditional. But no way am i saying you dont love him enormously i know you do or you wouldnt worry so much or come on here for help you obviously love him dearly. Im so sorry for your loss i really am. It must be so unbearable for you, it does not bear thinking about. I probably havent helped you very much but i do agree with the young ones that have posted and i know you havent given up on him or you wouldnt be here as LizzieLou said but my son said the same as the young ones did, he thought i wouldnt have loved him if i did kick him out. Im sorry if i have maybe got you confused or mixed up now but you know your own son so your gut feelings on what to do are probably right. I wish you luck and pray everything turns out ok for you and your family i really do. And i hope i havent offended you in any way.Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family

Kim

[LIZZIE LOU]

please go back and re-read the original post...and note the desperation in her words.  she has had enough ! ! !  her son's addiction is affecting HER well being.

i dont think there is a mother on this forum who one day, found out her son or daughter was on drugs, and just immediately threw them out the door.  we, as mothers, do everything in our power to love and help our children...it's our job.  but tell me...exactly how long are we supposed to continue being verbally and sometimes physically abused by our addict child?  how long do we continue to have our children steal from us...lie to us?  how long are we supposed to sacrifice our emotional well-being?  when does it stop...when they're 23...30...35????  do we continue to enable our child...give them food and shelter because they are choosing to continue doing drugs?  how utterly ridiculous for anyone to think that a mother turns her back, just for the hell of it.  when it comes to the point of a mother having to make that horrible decision to throw her child out...you'd better believe that she has HAD ENOUGH ! ! !
now tell me...what addict wouldnt be "thankful" that his mom allowed his addiction to continue...enabled it...gave him a free place to live while he was abusing not only drugs, but probably her as well.   of course the addict doesnt want to be thrown out...he might actually have to take responsiblity for himself, for once in his life..."oh geeeeez...now what am i gonna do?...mommy's not here to take care of me.  oh yeah...i'll just go live off grandma bessie..aunt susie".  
for 15 years...i lived addiction through my kids.  i gave up my life to try and "change" them.  i isolated myself from others because of the shame...i went through almost weekly "searches" to go and visit them in jail or prison...i've ridden the streets for days trying to find them...verbally and physically abused for years...all the while enabling my sons ! ! ! ! !  i cant even begin to add up all the money spent on fines, restitutions, and attorneys.  how about the fact that we've spent over $200,000.00 dollars OUT OF POCKET just on rehabs alone?  
so you tell me...who was selfish and who was selfless?  at what point would it have been "ok" for me to kick them out? (which by the way i did)

[gizzy32]

Good post Lizzie, i hope this lady comes back on

[kim715]

I totally agree with what Lizzie said.I'm a little confused about the posters who don't think it's time for the original poster to practice some tough love.This woman didn't say she doesn't love her son or that she has turned her back she has simply said she has taken a step in not enabling him in his addiction anymore.She never said she didn't love him or wouldn't support him in his recovery.If this was his wife  or his g/f or best friend posting saying how his addiction is causing him to be abusive to them would you give them the same advice? What makes it different,if it does to anyone,that it's his mother?I'm sure that this poster is a wreck,and scared to death and sitting by the phone every day,jumping out of her skin when it rings,fearing that something has happened to her son,but what would you have her do? Nothing changes if nothing changes.I think it took a huge amount of love and courage for her to do what she did.I'm a mother of 3 grown children.I know this mother is hurting right now because she loves her son so much,but she can't love him to death.I know this had to be one of the toughest decisions this woman has ever made,but this just might be what saves her sons life.When you stop making an addicts problem yours and start making it their own,well a lot of times that the wake up call we need.As addicts when we know that we have people in our lives that no matter what we do or how we treat them they're still going to put a roof over our head and food in our stomach.Instead of appreciating that,we expect it,abuse it,and we are master manipulators.Right now I'm certain that this woman is hurting more now then she did before she made this decision.I also believe it is probably one of the most selfless bravest decisions shes will ever make in her life.I hope she comes back too.All the best...Kim

[momthatssad]

I am dealing with the same thing , son turning 21 addicted to any pill he can find and does the same things, nice when he's high and the nastiest person when he's coming down, he's violent , blames me for EVERYTHING and I am struggling right now to throw him out. I know in my heart I need to but my ex husband and family are blaming this all on me. I have never been so stressed out in my life. No one ever said we didn't love our kid. But its hard to love someone who appreciates nothing and makes his problem yours. I believe at some point HIS choices are HIS!! We all have to deal with our demons and I know he will end up on the bad side of this if he doesn't wake up soon.  I have tried helping , I have tried being kind, none of it works. He is not the son I raised and nor do I want in my life right now, they absolutely guilt and when it's all on the me, I find it overwhelming. It's tough to throw someone out, and knowing I probably have no choice is a decision no parent ever wants to make. But he will not seek help and I am at my wits end. I recently had a job change and I am a single person and I can't support myself let alone another person. He panhandles the relatives, its bad. I pray for an answer however I know in my heart what that is, will this ever end??????

[Sara_MHModerator]

Hello momthatssad.  We are so sorry you are going through this and really hope to support you.  Such a difficult situation for a mom or anyone who loves their addicted family member to be in.  Sometimes it helps to start your own post as well to make sure your post isn't overlooked tucked into an older thread.  

[stilltrying1965]

I never once said she didnt love her son but are we not on here to give our own opinions and experiences.We are at my husbands mums just now and she has not had it easy with him either. It has taken 13yrs but we are now 25days clean with the support of his mum. If she had thrown us out we would still be taking heroin. We have been there before to try to come off but to no avail although this time when we did it actually has worked with the help of mh also. I And if you reread my post i said different things for different people and what worked with my family. She also didnt say she was physically abused either. I also told her my heart went out to her as a mother of an ex-addict and an ex-addict myself but none of it would have happened without our mothers or my son with me. I also told her to follow her gut feeling and that she was probably right as she knew her own son better than anybody. But i would be more scared not knowing where he/she was. I know that desperation too. I also told her i knew how much she loved him and hadnt given upon him or she wouldnt be on here.I knew this would happen after i posted this but i am only saying what happened in my situation and told her i felt truly sorry for her and i too hope she comes back on. But surely i am entitled to my opinion just as much as anyone else on this site. My heart does go out to this womanand yes i know she is desperate. I was desperate too when i first came on this site. We got different opinions and answers from different people but i took in all the different opinions and decided what was best for me. It also depends on the addict and at what level he is at.Maybe she has made the best decision i truly hope with all my heart that she has but im only saying it was a different approach in our situation so we will agree to disagree and hope she comes back on and things are better for her.

[jt808]

no body here said NOTHN about her not loving her son gezzzz all a few of us were sayn cause were so soon outa recovery probably and some younger is that we see it in the kids perspective and how i woulda felt if i woulda been thrown out on the street, im not a parent and have NO idea what shes going thru but i was were her kid is at and no how i woulda felt and me personally do not thnk that its a good idea. and ur rite i do not know the full circumstances of what has been going on with the mom and kid i dont im going by my own experiences so calm down no one here ever said she didnt love her kid use ur heads who would say such a thng, were tryn to help this lady and not everyones gona agree i mite b wrong but thats how i feel so im not suppose to share it cause sum people disagree with me.

[discretekarma]

I also have experienced what your son is experiencing. I think it's the best thing. I didn't think so at the time but I do now. If your son doesn't hit bottom, he'll keep doing what he does because it's easy. If you help create his bottom, he'll be more likely to seek help or want to stop doing what he's doing.  It's very similar to the show (Intervention). They help create the bottom and stop enabling the addict and usually they seek help.

[islandcat]

Its me back. Thanks for all the replies. Life takes many strange turns. After kicking my son out he got beat up with a bat, and now has a cracked skull and face. Second nite in hospital guess the meds werent enough, took some of his own oxy and overdosed, he flatlined but they saved him. Now back to square one, I feel I may have to look after him when he gets out but now he has been having free run of drugs and the problem may even be worse. The hospital was no help at first until the overdose and then they have offered him couselling etc. but he still denying he is an addict. Says he can kick it himself.  I have allowed only family to visit so he doesnt get some well wisher bringing anything else to him. I guess I will have to break the news to him that he can come home to recooperate but he will have no visitors and not leave the house.  I have arranged that he get his pain meds daily from the pharmacy and no prescrip. The old rules apply, and if he doesnt like it as painful as it is he cant come here. If it was just me maybe I could take the **** but not with a 4 year old gd. I have talked to the hospital about what if he cant come here he cant go out on the street with head injuries and they said there may be help. I had hoped he had finally hit bottom but maybe not yet. I am done with my tears again, feel the strength coming back but I feel angry with him.  

[islandcat]

I respect your opinion. And congrats to you for getting there. I am not sure what you mean about what level he is.  I am still learning. But I do feel he is almost at bottom but unfortuneatly maybe not there and what it will take for him to be there. Yes you are right, I am very scared about where he may end up by kicking him out especially now that he is hurt but the verbal and emotional abuse has been enough, I cannot do anymore. I have been for counselling, I have reached out to support groups but it seems almost all addiction problems are personal, each very different, the circumstances not the same.  Which seems odd to me as addiction has been around for ever, but there is no book of rules that apply to everyone. You who have all been there have offered me more support already on here than I have got anywhere else. You start to feel really alone when friends  think oh well he is a bad kid and too bad that happened.  I am not asking for sympathy perhaps empathy and support for me and my other kids but most people just turn their back on you. Sorry for rambling but already I have felt more from you all here than anywhere.  Whoops thought was done with the tears.......... thanks for your replies

[McTigerlily]

Mom, can I call you that? :) You are incredible. Beautiful, loving, kind-hearted. You're a mom. What else is there to be to your son than a loving mother who wants the best for him?
I was out-of-control at 18 yrs. old and my mom kicked me out. I was abusive, mean and wouldn't get a job. I went to live with my 'best friend' who had begun doing harder drugs. I knew I didn't want to follow that route, but I did other things I shouldn't have. I got pregnant and had an abortion. I hit rock bottom in life then. I almost committed suicide. My mom's heart was broken that I had gone through so much and blamed herself. I told her not to, and I still do.
I am an addict now. It's no one's fault but mine. No ones! People may be able to detox on their own and who knows, some people can get sober and stay sober for a long time without anyone (although, I've never known anyone to stay sober who didn't have help from friends, family and couseling). If my husband threw me out right now for taking painkillers and I lost my 16 month old daughter, it would be my fault.
I am getting help. I hate being like this. But I know that if people were enabling me and I was denying my problem, I'd keep stealing and shopping around for drugs and feeding this need to keep pain and shame away.
You'll do the right thing. I love my mom and respect my mom for telling me she had taken enough abuse from me. I hated her then (although, I didn't really hate her), but she kept praying for me and I think her prayers kept me alive long enough on my own for me to hit bottom, contemplate suicide, fall down on my knees, ask for forgiveness for all the horrible things I'd done, and move back home a changed person.

Yes, God did kick Adam and Eve out of the Garden. It wasn't because He was mad at them, it was for their protection. If they stayed there and ate of the tree of life, they would forever be caught in their sin, never dying, and never getting a chance at redemption.

[kimbraveheart]

Im so sorry to hear about your son being beaten up. I hope he gets better soon. I also thank god he was in the hospital when he overdosed. I thought maybe that would have gave him the fright he needed but obviously not. You are right in making these rules if he does have to come back and stay i agree with you 100% and you are right especially about getting meds daily and no visitors that a definate as those well wishers will be most likely be bringing him more pills. Im praying that maybe a properly prescribed amount of meds might stabilise him enough to see whats happening. We can only wait and pray he sees it. You are so right about not getting help from so-called friends. I have been in the exact same position they think oh hes terrible, as long as its not their kids they dont care, where as they should be saying, there but for the grace of god go I.
We also had no help until we came here but were able to stop the drugs by being on here. Everyone will support you and never judge you here as we have all been there or are going through the same things.
I will be thinking of you and your family as they go through the addiction too.
Just pm me if you ever need to know anything as i know you are not very sure about everything yet but i pray things get better for you and keep posting to ;et us know how you are and whats happening.

Good luck and try to think positive even though i know you cant see anything positive just now. Who knows anything can happen i thought it would never happen but im just as surprised as anyone with how far we have come so suddenly so it can happen when you least expect it and i hope it happens with you.

[telam1956]

My son and his wife have been addicts for years. They have 3 beautiful children. They came to me 2 years ago asking for help. My mother had just passed away and I came into some money. I spent almost everything on them trying to help them get clean. In the meantime my brother and his wife took in the kids so they would not go into foster care. I thought they were doing so good. I had no idea they were still using. After almost a year they got their girls back and then one day I went to the bank only to discover that he had taken what money I had left. I was devastated. I made them move out and realized that I had made a terrible mistake by helping them get the girls back. These babies did not deserve to live this life. So I set in motion to have my brother get the girls again, as I was not able to give them the life they deserved. I have cut my son out of my life which is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was just so tired of being lied to and them taking everything I worked so hard for. To be a part of him losing his children is something I don't think I will ever get over. They say tough love is the best thing to do but it is also the hardest. The girls are doing wonderful. They are being raised in church and have wonderful lives, which I am able to be a part of. To this day my son blames me for his addiction. I spend everything I had to help them and now I am financially suffering. I cannot be a part of his life. I cannot stand the addiction and what it has done. I love him more than life, but I love my grand children and cannot see them suffer because of their parents. Please be strong and know that you have done the right thing. It is still hard for me to accept what they have done. But sometimes we don't have a choice. I pray everything gets better for you and your son.