Very well said Ladies...and I agree with both. Please La...look into some help....like mslkpage said....it may end up where the choice is no longer yours, and you will miss out on everything and then some hun.

We will even be here with you every step of the way. Doesn't seem like much I know..I wish I could be there with you..I honestly do and many others here on this board. But that isn't possible. But I can be there for you in every other way I can.

Please hun. If you would like my email, just say the word and I will hand it over.
Actually I will put it here..for you and anyone else who just needs someone to talk to or anything...

luv_my_labs@ new.rr.com

No one here will ever say to another person seeking help they are bad...or criticize them for their usage.

We are all here because of an abuse and or use problem.  

Everyone who found their way to post is hurting from the inside out and I'm not talking about the physical pain.

Maybe you can find your way to get yerself to a Detox Center or a Dr. that can truly help you with what you are going through.  You have to experience the need inside to want your life back.. I know from experience that unless one is ready...nothing will work... the chase for the high is bigger than life.  Regardless of the physical pain.

I'm looking at my "pain"...yea my neck is killing me... my legs are screaming...I'm making do with advil...but at least I'm feeling again.

I know now why ppl kill for these things... I truly get it.

But you are going to have to really "want it".. and get yourself some professional help.   If you found the money for street drugs, you can certainly find the money to help yourself.

Funny... I can remember a time when a Tylenol 3 knocked me out for three hours... I can remember a time when taking a WHOLE Vic rather than a half would make me fall asleep sitting up.  At the end of this mess I needed two vics with my coffee just to let me get dressed....the digression for me was inevitable.  It would only get worse and worse.

Please take the value of your life into consideration, and your kids, and then your grandchildren and maybe you can make a decision for yourself that YOU are worth enjoying life.

Take Care
Gip

Thank you all for the truely blessed replies.  It really does help to know that there are other people out there that are going through the same thing.  Just talking/writing and letting my feelings out make me feel so much better.  I know that I have a terrible problem and I know that I need alot of help.  But I also know that you have to want to be helped in order for it to work.  Im not so sure that I want that at this time.  The powerful craving for my next "fix" feels much more important than getting help.  Im sure you all know what Im talking about, as all addicts basically go through the same thing.  
I have tried rehab and have stayed clean for about 3 weeks but the cravings were over powering me.  Also I have no real support from family.  I have lost all trust, respect and help from my family and it feels like I will never get it back.  It has been over 15 years now and I have tried my damnedest to earn the trust back but it just hasnt happened.  I will feel like I am finally winning it back and then something will happen or someone looks at me and thinks that Im "high" and it all goes back down the drain.  Things will never be the same again.  I was a good wife and mother for over 18 years.  Always active in my childrens life.  Then one day my whole world changed and I know now that I will never get that respect/trust back again. I lost my husband of 20 years, I lost my house and basically everything that I had worked so hard for.  I want more than anything in the world for my son and daughter to love and respect me again, but I also know that it will never ever be the same again.  I want my grandson to love and respect me but I know that my daughter will never ever trust me with him.  Ive have tried so hard to prove myself to her ever since he was born.  He is almost 4 months old now and he is my whole world.  But my daughter wont even bring him to my house.  If I want to see him, I have go to her house.  I will not give up trying to prove myself to her but at the same time I know that I cant change my "lifestyle".  I am still using but they are prescribed meds. I get a 30 day supply every month but it only lasts me about a week to 10 days.  Then I go the rest of the month wondering where I am going to my next "fix".  I always seem to find what I need, but always at a price.  It is beginning to start affecting my means of living.  I would rather have my fix than to have food on the table.  I know it cant last much longer and I have no idea what I am going to do.  I dont work.  Im on disability but that isnt enough to get by.  My husband works, but his income isnt enough to support my habit much less pay the bills.  Not to mention how he feels about my habit.  Thats a whole other story.  
Im lost and Im scared and I dont know what to do.  No one here has any support at all for me, but I cant say that I blame them.  I havent really given them any reason to.  So Im all alone and scared to death.  
Thank all of you for your words of encouragement.  If anyone has any suggestions, other than rehab, I would really really appreciate it.
Thank you all.

I was also going to recommend detox followed by residential treatment, but you've made it clear that's not what you want to do. Keep in mind that MANY people have to give rehab more than one try. A counselor at one of the facilities I work with went to residential treatment 9 times before he was able to stay clean for good. Some programs are better than others, and you have to committ to the program- and 30 days for you won't do it.
But, I don't think you're open to that suggestion at this point. You have that choice right now, but if you get arrested for a drug related offense, the choice might not be yours anymore. I send a lot of people to treatment that don't want to go. They do it to avoid the alternative, which is jail or prison. Many are not successful, but some of them are. A few even contact me later to thank me.

(steps off of rehab soapbox) Consider consulting a pain management specialist. You'll need to be honest about everything your using for them to help you. Good luck.

My dear LA...

MISSEY YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PULL YOURSELF UP by those bootstraps.

You will regain more than respect from your kids (especially if they know you've been struggling) if you find some way to get over the need for that fix...you NEED YOUR LIFE and your baby.

We are all scared to death of not having that "fix".. however small or BIG as it can be.  Keep in mind that a 3-4 pill a day dependency can be as big to some as yours is to you.

I don't know about Detox facilities.. I was literally too ashamed of myself to look into that venue.  And I know there is not a damn thing anyone can do to help someone until they are ready to say ENOUGH.

Think about this for a min... your LIFE and the love of your kids has got to be more imporant.  Or you can chose to miss out entirely.   I never had any kids....I wish that I did.  Never did anything not to have them, I guess it just wasn't in the cards for me.   I'd love to have grandchildren... I would LOVE IT.  My B/F's kids are young...so I'll have the opportunity to share his if the time lends itself to that.

Eventually you will need to get yourslef clean.  You are going to look back on this time and kick yourself in the butt for not doing it sooner.   It's going to be a rough ride...no doubt about it... but three ... four months of a sincere effort is bound to have it's rewards.

I don't know if the drugs you are taking could cause physical damage going through w/d without any help.  I don't know what to say to you.   Please try to get some help.

Gip

Wow hun, that IS some story. I read every line. It is a sad one too. ALthough, like the rest of us here..we all are here for one or more of the same ONE reason. We want out of this hellhole, yet are still trying to figure out how to do that.
I wish I could convince you to get the help you need...preferably in-patient. But I am sure you have been told, asked and begged all of this before. So, I will not harp on you about that.
Isn't there anything, anything at all that would make you decide to even at least give up ONE of the drugs ( for now ) then go from there?
Sounds like such a dangerous combination. I mean I am not an expert, this is all new to me. I am addicted to the vicadin. Thought I could go cold turkey, man was I wrong! So, I can not imagine the hell you feel in the posistion you are in. I know from my own end, this is pure hell. I could not imagine it triple fold.
I know this is a stupid question but one I will ask anyway. Don't you want to see your new grandchild grow up? Wouldn't you love for her/him to look up to you? Wouldn't you just love to prove everyone that DOES know your using that you are strong and YOU can beat this. Like I said, even if it is only giving up one for the time being, that would even be a start.

You definately are in the right spot here. So much support, tons of information, and I am certain more people than you know who are EXACTLY where you are.
You started by coming here, maybe it will be the blessing you need.
I will be on back and forth for a bit yet hun if you still want to talk.

Thinking of you and sending prayers your way.