I keep saying this.... and it really is true.

Cravings WILL GO AWAY whether or not you take a pill/or whatever.... it's just a matter of determination to wait it out.

Thankfully, I've only had one really bad craving day... BUT I truly almost gave in.   It does pass... and I didn't give in... today was much much better.

Two days in a row with severe cravings ... well I don't know what I would have done.  How much will power can one person have... life with the pills is cloudy and unemotional and I don't like me anymore in that mode.

And that pill is dormant...it doesn't call me.. it has no power it just sits there.... I have to enable it... I can control it much better when it is dormant.   Once I take it.. it will control me.

Just some Gipsee Philosophy... take it for whatever you paid for it...

Gip

One thing I learned is that when I would get cravings I would almost panic in ANTICIPATION OF what would come next (discomfort, more severe preoccupation, etc.) almost like I developed a phobia (medical definition: unrealiztic fear of something leading to destructive behavior). It took me so long to learn that cravings come, they peek, and they pass. They will NOT come on and just get worse until you implode or something.

They totally suck, do not get me wrong. But they are (unfortunately) part of the deal and, as someone else said (sorry--I can't finish this and go back to thread) it's a good reminder that we are NOT normal, we are ADDICTS.

I started drinking at 16--thrown into rehab at 17. Sober 13 years, never looked back. Turned 29, got my doctorate, thought I could handle it, I could for a year or twobut then it completely spiraled. And, even once I knew I was an alcoholic, I didn't believe I had to do stuff to stay sober as Ihad quit for 13 yrs without a problem. But my disease had progressed. And while I may have been a 'non-drinker' for those 13 years (and may have been forever w/o my brilliant decision to start again) but NOW I will ALWAYS be a DRUNK/ADDICT. I can be one in RECOVERY but I can't NOT be one. Once a cucumber turns into a pickle there is no going back.

And, as Bill Feely said during my stay at Father Martin's, "drinking (or whatever) doesn't excuse anything you've done but you better thank GOD it explains most of it". This wasn't so that we could shuck off responsibility, it was meant for us to see just how BAD and DEADLY our disease is or was.

It has now been 597 days since I last used.  As I walked into the office this morning I thought "Damn, I'd like to smoke some crack right now!"  I smiled and thought "well of course you do - you're a drug addict."  

Trust me I am serious about Recovery and I will not pick up today.  My degree of seriousness has NOTHING to do with whether or not I have desires to use from time-to-time or every day (mine are pretty much every day).  I get those desires BECAUSE I AM A DRUG ADDICT. I don't let them bother me any more - they are a gift that reminds me that I have a disease that not only wants to KILL ME, it will lie to me to further that goal.  

Seriously, how could ANYONE have a desire to smoke crack at 9:00 a.m. on Clean Day-597, when life in Recovery is going so well and life in Active Addiction was so fing horrible, unless they suffered from the disease of addiction?  That "desire" is a lie that comes not from me, but from my disease.  Since I know that I have the disease (and that the pr*ck will do things like give me crazy desires) I don't have to act on the lie that masquerades as my own thought.

The disease of addiction is one dishonest SOB - EVERYTHING it says is a lie with one end in mind, the host's death via use of drugs or alcohol.  There is no end to the lies and they can become very subtle - I think the longer you're in Recovery the easier they become to identify.  Of course, this means you (i.e. any addict) can't trust yourself in early Recovery with much beyond "don't use (no matter what) and go to meetings."  That can be the answer to MANY things, for a L-O-N-G time.  

Q. "I think I'm going to DIE if I don't take just a little bit!! What should I do"  
A. "Don't use and go to a meeting."  

Q.  "I've got 90 days clean, I feel GREAT, I've learned my lesson, and I'm sure I can now handle it once in a while.  What should I do?"
A. "Don't use and go to a meeting."  

Q.  "I've got 597 days and I STILL think about using!!  What should I do?
A. "Don't use and go to a meeting."  

-- Well, it's about time to leave for my Tuesday & Thursday 12:00 meeting.

I know exactly what you're saying. I obsess over taking my next pill in my taper schedule but not because I want to get high because I dont when I take them anymore, or even because I like the pills because I hate them now. I obsess over them to help ease the w/d's..I get chills like crazy during the day and I can't seem to get them to stop except for the 2 hours after I take my pill. It sucks but I know that I will get through all of this and the w/d's will subside.. You just have to be confident and I know it's hard because when the anxiety and depression hit it's like you'll never be okay again without those pills, but if you get your mind off of it you can get through it. My biggest fear is the anxiety so I just started taking Velarian Root for the anxiety and Clacium, Magnesium and Zinc for the RLS. Hopefully I'll be able to sleep good tonight. Good luck Vicaddict, we're all pullin for you! You'll get through it

You guys are just amazing! I have to say that! And I have to say thank you so much for being here today to help me through. It means so much to me! The positive energy, thughts..sharing your experiences with me...all of it!

I don't know what I would do w/o all of you here, honestly I mean that!


Many Thanks

Tracy

Thank you everyone..the posting does help alot yes. Reading the responses do as well.

True also Gip..I will give that a try. Mind games are horrible aren't they?

Thank you again everyone! This is just so much harder than I thought. Even with my best friend knowing..and now she is who has my pills. It is a good decision I made, I do not doubt that for a second. Now it is just getting used to this, and knowing this is MY FINAL decision is what is making it hard I think. I am happy with my decision, that I am. Now I just need to get through this.

I just cannot wait until at least 4 days is over with! This is just nuts. I don't have high hopes but I have hope. Just from what others have gone through and shared here.

Like I said and will keep saying...all of you who chose c/t I swear you are truly an inspiration. I could never go C/T...I just don't have it in me. But for those of you who did, and post your experiences makes it more the easier to accept that I can also do this!
All of us helping each other, is what is keeping me hanging on!

Thank you everyone!
Huggs all around
Tracy

Hi u2..ty so much for your responses. Makes me feel alot better, honestly.

Catuf wtg! On 597 days? Awsome Awsome!!

Ty again both of you for taking the time to respond to my post.


Blessings everyone

Tracy

Just Try...

Break the pills in half... so you are taking them more times a day... still not exceeding your three.   Your sense of doing them more in a day has you reaching your limit and it's over.

I know it's going to take time to adjust... but for now just try cutting them in half.. and instead of one every 6 hrs..take one half every three...'til you get a hold of doing less.

What can it hurt?

Gip

I know exactly how you feel.  When you are finally out of them completely, will you feel like you have lost your best friend? Before I relapsed, I thought there was NO WAY I would crave them, but lo and behold, after day five and the w/d's subsiding, I began to crave them again.  I gave in.  I am now going to try to quit again.  I feel like I need them so bad, when in fact, I don't even like them either.  Once your body adjusts, your mind takes over with the cravings.  I don't know how long until the cravings subside.  I think the cravings are as bad as the w/d's.  Hang in there.

I hear ya....I dont want them either...and yet as soon as I hear about them...or I know when scripts are filled...cuz well besides my own scripts I dealt with the street pharmacy as well.....and hell...I used to sell and deal and all that too...which really doestn help...I say I dont wantt hem...and I have been saying htat for months...and I only quit cuz I found out I was pregant...and now..I am not....but I saw it for what it was worth the entire addiction..evne while I was doing it...and apart of me was screaming to stop...thats the sane me the little girl that wants out......

Then there is the rest of me...that fights and fights and fights...and remember I gave into that girl for so long..its she is strong.....shes my addiction she is who calls me anythign negative that I can wrap my mind around....she is the one who tells me..you iwll feel better after you just have one..yet one leads to another...and then I am full force again....

Its like I am crazy....I guess in a way I am....Thats how I struggle in a day.......

Tracy, you are doing the right thing, HONEST!
You have to start talking yourself out of the pills. Tell yourself how much better you will be without those poison pills.

Tell yourself they have no control over you, and that you ARE stronger than that little lifeless pill. The good thing about cravings is that they will subside, and they will get further apart as you go.

You CAN do this, I believe in you! Just think about how much of a better person you will be without this addiction hanging over your head. You will go through the rest of your life holding your head high, and proud you beat addiction!!!

Keep posting your thoughts, as I know it is helping to get them out.
You go girl!
Allen

WIll by day 3..I feel even better? ANd be ok going down to 2 pills? I guess I am just scared now that I am going to do all this taper, then when I get to the end...I will go crazy.

Or will my body be somewhat adjusted to the lesser levels in my body and not be so bad? I KNOW I will not be totally recovered..I know this. But I want to be able to by the end of my taper feel somewhat back in control again...if not totally, at least somewhat and feel better than I do now.

All this is just consuming me today.

Any suggestions?

Thank you everyone who is listening.

Tracy