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Sharing my 'experience, strength (kinda), and HOPE' -- 23 days into being clean
All:
My name is Jessica and I came to this MB 24 days ago tomorrow. I don't post as much now but try to read as many posts as I can as I know how incrediblyhelpful it was just toknow that people 'heard' me and cared. Although NOT an 'Internet person' (only read email, can't stare at the screen for long periods, etc.) this MB IMMEDIATELY drew me in and I CLUNG to it like a LIFE LINE. Actaully, it WAS my life line.
I have noticed a couple of things that I thought I'd share with people. I write this as a struggleing addict, not as someone who thinks they made it at 23 days.
I 'hear' a lot of folks grapple with "will I ever use again?" "will I ever be able to moderate?" etc. My friend and I once titled this "BPS" -- Big Picture Sydrome. Like staring at the sun, it can be blinding -- like staring at headlights in the dark, one can be jack-lighted (frozen, unable to move). I suggest thinking about this later. I suggest thinking only about today, or this morning, or this HOURl. I suggest only worrying about whether you will use during this time -- whatever 'time period' is 'doable' for you.
Let me tell you, as someone who has gone to AA (although am not a zelot and am NOT suggesting this is the 'route' for everyone -- I think there are many successful routes) NO ONE walks in able to 'swallow' the idea of never drinking again.
(cont.)
My name is Jessica and I came to this MB 24 days ago tomorrow. I don't post as much now but try to read as many posts as I can as I know how incrediblyhelpful it was just toknow that people 'heard' me and cared. Although NOT an 'Internet person' (only read email, can't stare at the screen for long periods, etc.) this MB IMMEDIATELY drew me in and I CLUNG to it like a LIFE LINE. Actaully, it WAS my life line.
I have noticed a couple of things that I thought I'd share with people. I write this as a struggleing addict, not as someone who thinks they made it at 23 days.
I 'hear' a lot of folks grapple with "will I ever use again?" "will I ever be able to moderate?" etc. My friend and I once titled this "BPS" -- Big Picture Sydrome. Like staring at the sun, it can be blinding -- like staring at headlights in the dark, one can be jack-lighted (frozen, unable to move). I suggest thinking about this later. I suggest thinking only about today, or this morning, or this HOURl. I suggest only worrying about whether you will use during this time -- whatever 'time period' is 'doable' for you.
Let me tell you, as someone who has gone to AA (although am not a zelot and am NOT suggesting this is the 'route' for everyone -- I think there are many successful routes) NO ONE walks in able to 'swallow' the idea of never drinking again.
(cont.)
I went c/t. Tapering works for many so I want to be clear that I am not promoting one over the other, I am just describing my 'course' of w/d. The first three days were ACUTE w/d. Each day was different but all equally as severe. In some ways, although it felt horrible, it was easier than the next 'phase'. The acute symptoms subsided about 85 - 90% within 72 hours. Although very releived, I found that no longer beingin the 'all consuming throws' of acute w/d left me more time to think (not good). Within about 72 more hours, I had momenets of feeling like 'me' again, and brief periods of happiness and enthusiasm. This helped me to realize that what I was feeling when 'high' was NOT the same as feeling it naturally.
(Note: everyone's progress is different, do not panic if your w/d takes longer.)
Afetr three weeks (almost) I am REALLY feeling GOOD and like myself again. I suggest only working towards 30 days. By then, you will be much more 'clear headed' no matter WHAT you use this 'clear headed-ness' for -- even if youuse it to decide to use again.
One of the few things that I CAN promise you is that NONE OF YOU will wake up on day thirty of being clean and say "Damn, I wish I had used all month -- what a waste" EVEN if you decide to use again.
Give yourself 30 days, one day, one hour, every minutes at a time. This way, no matter what, a great deal more of YOU will making decisions, vs. your addiction and/or the w/d.
Again, I write this only as a reflection. Iam in NO WAY professing to have the answers, especially at only day 23. I can tellyou I had been sober for 2 1/12 years of GOOD SOBRIETY before inadvertently falling into this addiction a year ago. I am a smart, educated woman with a good life. We aren't 'dumb', or 'scum' or whatever else our disease tells us to make us turn back and get high -- we are addicted.
In closing, soon after I arrived at my alcohol treatment program (in-patient, now about 3 1/2 years ago) a person once said to me, "Drinking does NOT EXCUSE ANYTHING you've done but you better THANK GOD that it EXPLAINS everything".
I wish you all great luck. Mostly, though, I encourage you to keep writing and sharing. This is the place to do it, no matter 'where' you are in your struggles (clean or not).
(Note: everyone's progress is different, do not panic if your w/d takes longer.)
Afetr three weeks (almost) I am REALLY feeling GOOD and like myself again. I suggest only working towards 30 days. By then, you will be much more 'clear headed' no matter WHAT you use this 'clear headed-ness' for -- even if youuse it to decide to use again.
One of the few things that I CAN promise you is that NONE OF YOU will wake up on day thirty of being clean and say "Damn, I wish I had used all month -- what a waste" EVEN if you decide to use again.
Give yourself 30 days, one day, one hour, every minutes at a time. This way, no matter what, a great deal more of YOU will making decisions, vs. your addiction and/or the w/d.
Again, I write this only as a reflection. Iam in NO WAY professing to have the answers, especially at only day 23. I can tellyou I had been sober for 2 1/12 years of GOOD SOBRIETY before inadvertently falling into this addiction a year ago. I am a smart, educated woman with a good life. We aren't 'dumb', or 'scum' or whatever else our disease tells us to make us turn back and get high -- we are addicted.
In closing, soon after I arrived at my alcohol treatment program (in-patient, now about 3 1/2 years ago) a person once said to me, "Drinking does NOT EXCUSE ANYTHING you've done but you better THANK GOD that it EXPLAINS everything".
I wish you all great luck. Mostly, though, I encourage you to keep writing and sharing. This is the place to do it, no matter 'where' you are in your struggles (clean or not).
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