Thanks for the info.  I'm trying.  I'm tapering a little now.  I usually save a couple for when the symptoms get rough.  I know it throws my body into a halt for the wd but it helps me not freak out and run to the nearest ER complaining of back pain or some made up illness.  I'll try the V8 you talked about.  Getting through the weekend will be rough with the kids home.  I can't lay on the couch all day with three kids running around.  That's all I want to do right now is lay around.  

I had trouble with the spilling of the guts thing too.  So many of the people in there had been in and out a million times.  Their families were runied.  They had no jobs and no lives to speak of.  Some of them were there because the law demanded they stay there.  Some of them were so brain dead you couldn't hold a conversation with them.  The ones I felt really sorry for were the ones who had been sober for twenty years then got into old age and had a sugery and started all over again with pain pills.  It should have scared me straight right?

I hope your night wasn't too bad and I hope today is better than yesterday.

I don't think we should hate ourselves for this.  I don't think we should totally blame others.  I fully take the blame for popping too many pills and pushing myself when I should have said no to extra work.  I am a people pleaser.  I think most of us are.  We are afraid to let anyone down so we push ourselves to the limit physically and emotionally.  Then we find ways to keep going.  For me it was the pills.  I could do all my housework and keep up with the kids on three hours of sleep if I was drugged all the time.

This is a disease pure and simple.  Society doesn't treat it like heart disease because there is an element of blame to it.  We don't get sympathy like a cancer patient would.  That's why you have to live it to understand it.  I've been on this forum all day just soaking up the information and feeling so much more hopeful.  I felt so alone and so broken.  Now I'm realizing that there are other people who are like me.  Other "normal" people.  We aren't homeless.  We aren't hookers.  We aren't jukies on the street.  We function in every day lives.  No one would know what is going on with us unless we shared our stories.  We aren't bad people.  We just have lives that have gotten out of control.  I thank God for the support that I have found today, Valentine's Day, on this website.

hugs and kisses to you all.

I know how you feel.  I feel like I'm alone too.  I'm a single mom taking care of three kids and I don't want anyone to know that I'm detoxing off of pain pills.  

I can't sleep when I go off them either.  I get about three hours using some muscle relaxers that my doc gave me.  You have to be careful taking things like that.  I took the prescribed dose and it dropped my heart rate down so low that I passed out.  I guess it had to do with the withdrawals.  It scared the bejesus out of my kids.  I had to sit them down and make something up about mommy having a low blood pressure.

Please know that you aren't alone.  I'm with you in spirit.  I fully intend to get support off this website to get through this.  Please check in here often.  Since we're at the same beginning point in our wd we can help each other.  It sounds like we both have people depending on us for care too.

Good luck.

Thanks for your well wishes. Yes I fully intend to come back here often. I never knew this place existed. I watched that movie copycat with my sister one night and she is mentally handicapped as I had mentioned and blind but she hears really well and when they were saying stuff about agoraphobia and anxiety and panic attacks she said thats what you have isnt it. I bout passed out. But she made me take a good long look at myself. I use to be fearless a real adrenaline junkie. Now I am afraid to leave the house. Think thats why the abuse of the meds started. But like you I take care of people well...dont know how I did it but I did.
Now since this has happened .. not when I was working..lol! I just thought about how that sounded. I have never taken xanax before in my life. The fioricet I could take it run out of it and be okay till next time but not with these xanax. I think hydrocodone is a devils drug too but xanax is right there with it. Take it and all is well dont take it and look out!!
Thanks again. I dont like to go into chat rooms cuz there are always smart aleck people who come in there just to have fun at others expense.
I hope you continue to do well. I hope this for everybody who comes to this board. I am just shocked that I have been in here all morning and got so much comfort from the other posts.

Years ago in an experiment, we paired up and went on a blind trust walk.  One person was blindfolded and the other could see.  There was no physical guiding...only with words.

After a 30 minute blind trust walk, we were amazed to discover that the blind person actually helped the sighted partner observe life.

Your sister may be a greater asset than you recognize right now.

Good luck...w/d will be hard and the symptoms can seem overwhelming, only because you have never gone through this before.  We are/have all experienced what you are going through.  You can do it.  

~George~
Day 17

Thanks for that. She is a real asset to me because I am all she has until our mother gets out of the hospital. I have to be okay for her. I am used to seeing people in w/d's because I volunteered at Marion Hill Chemical dependancy clinic. I saw how bad off some of the people were. We taught them how to do the cleansing breaths and stuff I'm doing that but the fear of not being in control enough to handle a situation scares me silly. I have a husband out there some where who would love to do me harm. And when I expect it least he calls or drives by.Sometimes I cant even leave my house because of him and I feel like I am buried alive.
Thanks

think of the person you were before the drugs. i was so happy. 3 beers on fri night and watch a movie used to be so awesome. after five years it took 3 beers and 3 percs to get out of bed. i hate myself and i mean hate myself not only for what i did to my family but mostly me. w/d totally sucks but in the end it will be so worth it. i owe myself that.

What really gets to me is the fact that we did this to ourselves. Doesnt it make you mad at yourself. But we owe it to ourselves to keep trying to find the real us again. I hope you continue to do well. But you have to realize the one thing I learned volunteering at the chemical dependacy clinic is that this is a disease. Sure some people do it just for fun but some people do it to cover up pain. Or that dont have the coping skills < like me> to deal with everyday life. Dont blame yourself for what the disease of addiction did to you. Nobody wakes up in the morning and decides to become an addict its a progressive disease and when you least expect it..that little coupla extra pills to do this or that jumps up and bites us in the rear.
You are trying to overcome that. That gives you big props there. I know how I am feeling and believe me I wouldnt wish it on anybody.
But you are a good person or you wouldnt have answered my post.
Thanks

Those panic attacks can be really throw you can't they. Two nights ago I was up all night shaking and thinking really screwed up things. I was literally afraid to get out of bed in the AM...I didn't want the day to begin. It's weird, I feel better when the sun goes down. I guess because I think I made it through another day clean.  From the bottom of my heart, I know what you are going through as do many...You sound so strong and like you are really determined to get your life back.  It is so stinkin' easy to fall into addiction and you have no idea where or when exactly it started!  You have inside knowledge and obviously see that there is no discrimination when it comes to this disease. All walks of life, race, financial status...doesn't matter!!! Sorry for babbling...We're all here for you and there is much support out there!
Peace to you,
Marcie

Thanks for answering my post. I have some valarian root. I just havent been taking it for anxiety.I will get that and the legatrin. Cant hurt right??
I have to call a well intending friend to go to the store for me. I have ptsd..worked on an ambulance for years all my life really. Got kidnapped and all that comes along with that so I am early retired paramedic. I know I need the sports drinks..like gatorade and stuff to put back the minerals and stuff. But the fear...that deep seated fear that comes when it gets dark and everybody is asleep but you with you thoughts. Thats what is worrying me the most.
The friend that I call on to run errands for me is a just say to heck with it and put it behind you. Better said than done. But I'm trying. Just stumbled on to this board today and I got encouragement just from reading posts already made.
Thanks again!

please don't hate yourselfs. i meant i hate me for who i became. you people helped me thru the hardest 4 days of my life. i pray and thank all posts good or bad. happy v-day.

yes these panic/anxiety attacks are killer by themselves but couple it with all the w/d's and it the most awful feeling I have ever had.Physically that is.
Is anyone having a problem with their eyes? I sometimes cant read or focus very well on what I am reading and sometimes it seems like I see something peripherally but its nothing there. Guess I'm going into the deeper w/d's. I dont like this at all..LOL! But I dont like depending on a pill to help me cope  with life either.
I've never been a judge of other people. I feel like until I've walked a mile in each and everybody's moccassins then who am I to pass judgement. I know I am a good person with a disease of addiction. So are all of you are you wouldnt be here offering words of wisdom and advice to others. I was scared to post my first post but I am so glad I did.
Thanks again to everybody. I have this site saved in my favorite places.

Dont hate yourself. Hate the pills or whatever drug of choice you had but dont hate you for your genetic makeup. Some people are addicted to more than just one thing. Like drugs and alcohol and gambling shopping and all kinds of things. So just know that you didnt chose to be this way. When I think of all the money I spent on pills though I want to kick my own behind so I know how you feel in that aspect. I am beginning to realize that its not just the drug its the supply and demand...when the supply gets low you panic. When you have a bunch your fine. ITs the going to the doctor and getting them...going to the pharmacy and getting them ... ITs really like a ritual. One I am going to try my hardest to break free from.
I say again...finding this forum was the best thing I could have done. People who have never been addicted to anything stronger than nicotine or caffeine dont understand...we understand eachother. Thats what helps the most I think.
So betterthanthis please let up on yourself. Like I said a few times you wouldnt be here offering help if you were not a good person. I know what you mean about hating .. but its the loss of control that you really hate. Ya know?

its my first time through wd's today also , im scared and sleepless too. im in college at langston university and wouldnt mind a budy to talk to when it gets really scary if you know what i mean . im 22yr old male going it alone till a bed opens up at the detox center . i dont know if its something that you can look into seeing that you have to take care of your dear sister and all but they keep you for three days and taper you down to nothing untill your cured . if you dont have a job its only 150$ for the whole process . im excited for the relief to come but im not sure if i will get a bed soon or not . my number is 405-466-6717 name is chris . if u need anyone to talk to i could use someone too. i wish you peace and serenity and calm . ps/ scalding hot showers and baths help tons i promise try it if all else fails. love ur friend in wd's chris  bair

Thanks..for the info. I live in mississippi and they have programs like that here but I cant go. My mom is scheduled to come home saturday she has been in there since jan.1st. After she gets completely back on her feet and I can leave knowing a home health nurse will be here..I am ready to devote ever how many days it takes to kick this.
I cant eat anything. I can manage the gatorade a little at a time. I keep instant glucose here because of my sister and because I am hypoglycemic and I know at the clinic I volunteered at they had a room full of snacks and orange juice. I read on webmd that your glucose levels fluctuate really bad during w/d's and so I took on of them earlier and it helped with the shakes alittle for a short while.
Its the willies that get me. I have this overwhelming sense of doom n gloom. I know its my brain trying to make me try and find some more drugs so I am trying to keep my mind off the thought process that I guess seems to go hand in hand with w/d's.
I'll be checking back here off and on. I'm not sleeping so maybe this will help keep my mind occupied.

I went thru detox once at a center that cost me tons.  I would recommend that anyone try it once.  I am going to caution you to be careful.  Some of the people there treat it like camp.  They have way too much fun and its easy to pick up information that you just don't need to have.  That's what happened to me.  I found out where to get more drugs and that I'd live taking way more than I was taking.  

I was put on clonidine for the symptoms.  It helped with the crawling skin and the hot flashes.  It is a blood pressure medication.  They didn't give me much for the aches other than advil and they gave me maalox for the nausea.  I decided that I wouldn't go back after that.  I can manage on my own without dropping five grand.  If I ever get to the point where I need help detoxing again I'd check into the rapid detox.  Its over in two days.  They put you to sleep and give you a drug to knock the narcotics out of your body.  

For me the hard part isn't getting off its staying off.  I have the idea that my life is better with than without and that needs to change for me.  

Chris...I hope you get a bed soon.  Until then you have lots of support here.  I can't imagine having to be sick in a dorm with all of those eyes watching you.  I'm so thankful to have found at least three people starting at the place where I am.  I don't feel so bad right now but for me I don't get bad until the second day.  Tomorrow night will be rotten for me and by day four I will be a bear.  It's hard for me to stay hydrated.  I don't even want to think about putting anything in my mouth.  I lose about ten pounds in the first three days of being off the hydro.

The mental status change begins early for me when my pills go away!!  Sorry.  :)

Its okay...I've heard about those camp like detox places. I wouldnt go to one like that and if I did go it would be to a legit one like you were talking about with the rapid detox.
I am not gonna sit in a room full of people and spill my guts out in front of them. I just cant. Being around people for me right now is difficult enough but going thru this and not completely comprehending how I got this far gone. Maybe afterwards but not during.
I know that you have to take something that will make your bodies natural dopamine and and the other natural pain thing your body makes...keep your sugar level up with instant glucose and keep warm and drink lots of fluids. If you could drink V8 fusion it has veggies and fruit in it and I actually drank a small glass while ago. Still havent eaten...
Good luck. I hope it gets better soon for all of us.

Hello again. I just got done posting to you down below, but I will save you the hassle from trying to hunt it down and I will just copy and paste it here for you.
This is what I posted to you below:

Hi there. Nice to meet you. Im sorry that you have to go through this alone and with so much responsibility to have to handle on top of it. That cant be easy. Before I went to the doctor for my anxiety I took valerian root, or valerian extract for my panic and anxiety attacks. It doesnt have a sudden impact on you, but it did help settle my nerves some and helped the shakiness.

As far as sleep goes, I have found this OTC med. It is called Legatrin PM. I take 2 or 3 of those babies and I am out cold, and it also numbs or takes away alot of the body aches too, so that I found was an added bonus. You really should give the two a try. Like I said they are both over the counter and it will probably cost you around 20 dollars or so for the both.

Hope it helps, and I sure hope that you can find some time to relax. Even if you can not sleep, can you just lay down or even get comfortable in a chair or on the couch and close your eyes and just rest them? I also do that when they start to get really sore from lack of sleep and it does help believe it or not.