Aa
I was abused as a child.
I am just coming to terms with it. It was touching by my father who died an alcoholic 11 years ago. But worse than taht was the covert sexual abuse. I was exposed to pornography when I was four. I found polaroids of my parents having sex under their bed. Why would they not hide that? Also, my dad used to masturbate to porn in the other room when I was growing up. He would wait for me to go into the kitchen and then turn it on....then turn it off when I walked back in. WTF? Like I didn't know? I was with him when he would rent them at the video store. It made me so uncomfortable. I hated him. I was so embarrassed. I was also exposed to sexual conversation- EXPLICIT, including my father forcing sex on my mother at night. I heard them. I heard them all the time. My environment was completely sexualized and there was drinking and drunkness EVERYDAY. They both drank. Once they went in their bedroom to watch porn in the middle of the day. I was about 10. I went up to ask them something and heard them talking about what was happening in the movie. They had sex in the bed next to me once in a hotel while on vacation. Mostly I heard fights about my mom not wanting sex and my father demanding it. At 13, I started taking his porn magazines and masturbating myself. It was all I knew. As a result I have not had a real relationship with anyone ever and I have been on and off drugs and abusing my addictive meds for 6 years now. It's very hard, because there was another side to him. He spoiled me badly. He gave me everything I wanted. He was kind hearted, but sexually out of control and alcoholic. He got sick with Cirrosis and I had to then watch him die a HORRIBLE painful death. It was so bad, it was worse than all the years of alcoholism and the sex stuff. I still love him. My mom is awful to me now. She has always been very passive. She never parented me. She was like a ghost. She still is. I was so mad at her for not stopping what was going on!! She was still drinking when he was dying. And the worst part is. NOBODY TALKS ABOUT ANYTHING NOW. It's like it never happened. I don't talk to my brothers. I feel like I am in another life--but an even worse hell because now I am addicted and suffering and diagnosed bipolar. I have tried to kill myself four times. Once in a total blackout. I was on a ventilator twice. I have been in and out of psych wards. THIS PAIN MUST STOP. And only I can do it.
Hi, I'm just wondering how you're doing. Would like to hear some good news about you finding a therapist, and learning to not be so self-destructive (I've been there). There is hope, go find it, and don't give up till you do. Then be ready for a lot of pain in therapy, but getting rid of it will help you feel better. I'm sorry for what you were exposed to when you were young. Make sure you stop the cycle with you, and don't pass it on to your own children. Keep in touch, Lisa
Here is a forum of others who have survived sexual abuse, perhaps it will be helpful:
http://www.********/cgi/discus/discus.cgi?pg=topics
Also, I think just the fact that you shared the abuse with others will help, and bring about a measure of healing and deliverance from the memories.
I don't know how you feel about prayer, but, I think it would be helpful to write out your feelings, as often as you feel like it, and then, offer them up in prayer, asking for healing, from the bad thoughts.
Reading Gods word, helps us to reprogram our minds, into healthy thoughts.
Perhaps you can continue on here also, expressing how you feel, about what has happened and not keeping it all bottled up inside.
Know of a surety that there are multitudes out there that have and are currently being victimized by those in charge over them, perhaps when you gain a measure of healing you could be an advocate of some kind for those still being abused?
http://www.********/cgi/discus/discus.cgi?pg=topics
Also, I think just the fact that you shared the abuse with others will help, and bring about a measure of healing and deliverance from the memories.
I don't know how you feel about prayer, but, I think it would be helpful to write out your feelings, as often as you feel like it, and then, offer them up in prayer, asking for healing, from the bad thoughts.
Reading Gods word, helps us to reprogram our minds, into healthy thoughts.
Perhaps you can continue on here also, expressing how you feel, about what has happened and not keeping it all bottled up inside.
Know of a surety that there are multitudes out there that have and are currently being victimized by those in charge over them, perhaps when you gain a measure of healing you could be an advocate of some kind for those still being abused?
Please get some help to deal with this and get healthier and live a happy life because you deserve it....
To JennaCali84
If you continue to allow your mother to control she will slowly but sure take away any hopes for a bright and cheerful future. You see; a past such as all adults who have been a victim of sexual child abuse without seeking professional help, their past will slowly eat away at them day after day, year after year..etc..etc...etc..until it consumes your every waking moment. When you allow her to control you now you'll never have a moments peace. Once your father makes his way into your dreams they turn to nightmares and then.....he's in control again. It'll be happening all over again only this time he'll take a little bit of your life away everyday, it never ends. And again you will be the victim. Left alone caught in his world..right where he wants you..helpless!
Listen this is like a disease..it's not going to go away but there are treatments that make it easier to deal with it....coping skills. One foot in front of the other, slow baby steps at first then a little bigger each time. Just take a day at a time that's all you have to do.
Please above all don't pretend or even imagine you can possibly do this alone it's bigger than you think, and very controlling. If you haven't found a therapist yet; call a friend to help you. Maybe call your Doctor and ask for a referral. Probably a female Therapist or Psychiatrist, I say female because through my experiences I found that females specializing in this field are more comforting, attentive, and sympathetic to your needs, fears, etc...but that's just me. The important thing for you is not to delay any longer. The sooner you start your recovery from this haunting situation the sooner you'll meet the new you!!
Take care, and feel all the positive energy your friends here sending ..just to you. Don't waste it. You'll do fine, let us know when you find a Therapist. .....Elsone
If you continue to allow your mother to control she will slowly but sure take away any hopes for a bright and cheerful future. You see; a past such as all adults who have been a victim of sexual child abuse without seeking professional help, their past will slowly eat away at them day after day, year after year..etc..etc...etc..until it consumes your every waking moment. When you allow her to control you now you'll never have a moments peace. Once your father makes his way into your dreams they turn to nightmares and then.....he's in control again. It'll be happening all over again only this time he'll take a little bit of your life away everyday, it never ends. And again you will be the victim. Left alone caught in his world..right where he wants you..helpless!
Listen this is like a disease..it's not going to go away but there are treatments that make it easier to deal with it....coping skills. One foot in front of the other, slow baby steps at first then a little bigger each time. Just take a day at a time that's all you have to do.
Please above all don't pretend or even imagine you can possibly do this alone it's bigger than you think, and very controlling. If you haven't found a therapist yet; call a friend to help you. Maybe call your Doctor and ask for a referral. Probably a female Therapist or Psychiatrist, I say female because through my experiences I found that females specializing in this field are more comforting, attentive, and sympathetic to your needs, fears, etc...but that's just me. The important thing for you is not to delay any longer. The sooner you start your recovery from this haunting situation the sooner you'll meet the new you!!
Take care, and feel all the positive energy your friends here sending ..just to you. Don't waste it. You'll do fine, let us know when you find a Therapist. .....Elsone
Plese do not let your crazy mixed up parents ruin your life, they are making you the victim of their behavior which was not normal, and for that i am sorry, but you are grown now, and you are the one in control of your life, not them. it is to bad one cant choose their parents we have to take what we have and make do, so seek some help and let the past stay where it should be remember nasty Dad is dead now and you do not have to see this, and mom is just mom ignore her and move on, get into a support group many may be going through what you are. you really do not need to be the victim it is your choice to hang to the past or let it go, i know that it hurts, but you have a life ahead of you may it turn out well luck jo
there you are Jenna a lot of support here , today will be a hopeful day ,things do get better, with therapy you will be able to accept what happened to you and not let it affect the way you live your life ...Good Luck
I simply wanted to encourage you as well to see a Therapist as soon as possible.
I too was abused physically beaten, verbal abuse, and sexual. It happens to boys too.
My father died 28 yrs ago. It's taken me this long to erase him from my world. He started on me as a baby of 8 months up until I had turned 18 and left the home. But all of my life I was always unsettled. It's taken years of therapy to work everything out.
Just remember one thing, it was never your fault!! OK, remember that. You can pull through this just don't wait as long as I did. Jump on it now and you'll come through it. And it's important to talk with your friends. You need support! As much as you can handle.
Hang on, things will get better. You were very brave to share this horrid experience with us. Congrats, you've made your first big step towards being a survivor of Child Abuse.
Take care, write anytime.
Elsone
I too was abused physically beaten, verbal abuse, and sexual. It happens to boys too.
My father died 28 yrs ago. It's taken me this long to erase him from my world. He started on me as a baby of 8 months up until I had turned 18 and left the home. But all of my life I was always unsettled. It's taken years of therapy to work everything out.
Just remember one thing, it was never your fault!! OK, remember that. You can pull through this just don't wait as long as I did. Jump on it now and you'll come through it. And it's important to talk with your friends. You need support! As much as you can handle.
Hang on, things will get better. You were very brave to share this horrid experience with us. Congrats, you've made your first big step towards being a survivor of Child Abuse.
Take care, write anytime.
Elsone
I have justr read your other post and I am shocked that any members would send you abuseive PMs I suggest that you ignore them completly as being a Banana short of a bunch . please take no heed you came here for help,you let ignorance and prejuduce ..win if you listen ot take notice of them....
Just wanted to say- now that I did, I think it will be much easier to tell a therapist. I have no problem with that now! I have to be honest to start living healthier.
I never told anyone that stuff. It just all came out. I probably never could have done it face to face with anyone. Narla, I am so sorry for what you endured as well. I don't know if you believe in God, but there is a special place in heaven for people who have had this happen to them I am sure. Especially if you are a good person which you and I both are! :-) Take care. And keep fighting!
Narla is right I also think that counselling will help you,this is a horrible thing that happened to you, in order to accept it happened and move on it is good to speak it all out , the right therapist will be able to help you I am sure .Good Luck
You need counselling as soon as possible,Don't wait like I did,You need to be honest about everything that happened and deal with it slowly and thoroughly.I'll send you a PM about myself so you'll see I understand what your going through,and if you ever want to talk PM me I'll be only too willing to help in any way I can. Denise
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