emotional abuse by mother

Hi, my mother is excessively verbally abusive, I´ve a Masters in Psychology and I can´t do anything to stop her, the only thing that works in distance as I live in a different country but the minute I see her in 5 minutes she´s able to make me feel very unhappy as her insults and abusive behaviour are horrendous. 2 years ago I decided to cut all contact with her but I was unable to do so. I´m thinking in doing this again. I´m 32 years old and I don´t think I deserve to be treated like this, I don´t consider her my mother, to me, she´s a monster. What can I do with her?

[heartfluttersflyawayplz]

nothing , if shes been this way all your life than nothing you can do with her , you either have to take her like she is or walk away from her/

[jo929]

i do hope that this has not always been this way it is a sad world when one runs away from a loved one or supposedly love have you tried talking with her it does sound like you think you have no love for her but think this wasy you only have one mother and when she is gone that is it there are no second chances please talk with her    lots luck   jo

[jo929]

i hope thet your day is filled with happiness and that you have some happy holidays my mother is above now i sure wish that i had her back here now just so i could say hi  hope you make up with mom      jo

[prettyinpink400]

ask her to go to church with u

[Curls]

Some people like to project their own concerns and relationships onto other situations.  That's happened here.  Only you can know what she is like and what will work  or not work with her.  

The only things I can think of are - get help for yourself to heal and to get strong.  Then when you see her tell her how her comments make you feel.  She'll defend herself with attacks on you, but tell her those hurt too.  Don't use yelling or nasty comments at her or whining.  Just speak honestly about wanting to feel loved and cared for and that these things don't feel that way and won't to anyone.  Calmly tell her things about you that contradict her comments.  

She is who she is, and you can't expect changes very quickly.  In someone capable of change, calm caring direct statements work to help them see.  If someone not capable of change, who is intolerable, you can either be with her and get strong enough to know she's wrong and block it out.  Or walk away.  There's no shame in doing that, just a sadness.  

I've met people of both types.  Those who are difficult and hurtful who are just being defensive and really want others to be okay with them.  And those who are so entrenched in being hateful (in a quiet, you'd never guess it way), that they are disgusting and I give up.

Also, you can think about the things she says and see if you can figure out where they are coming from in her life.  For some people they are self-defense and once you know it you can make them feel better about what you guess is REALLY bugging them (that they are insincere or feel guilty or think they're about to be attacked), and then the assaults on you might lessen.

Since you have a pych degree - talk to your colleagues to understand this better.  Also, please don't practice therapy about relationships until you've healed this better.  Be careful about your transference.  I've seen too many therapists transfer and have NO idea they're doing it inspite of their words to the contrary that "they're figured it out".  It harms clients even if it's not overtly obvious.

Good luck.

[Barb1021]

Hello - I see I've come to the right place.  I am going through a very similar situation with an abusive mother - she is unfortunately very mean, cruel, sarcastic...just miserable.  She coincidentally has a Masters in Psychology (this I don't understand personally).  I moved back to her place last summer because of financial/job situation.  She is taking full advantage, and verbally gives me put downs almost every day.  Beit about my divorce, I am wrong in my decision making, my work history..just about everything.  I always figured she might be bipolar, but I can't confirm this.  All I know is my decision will be to move by March, in a roommate share situation and then I am not keeping in touch with her any longer.  My grandmother, just sits back and does not get involved - she is no angel either, although she is now 80 years old.  My father knows my mother very well and somewhat predicted when I last saw him this would happen.  My mother is a sick person and the only way I can move on is to drop all contact with her, my grandmother is not too far behind.  

I am so glad to have found a group with similar situations that I can talk to, because I can sure use advice at this point.

[jml1986]

You might want to start your story as a new discussion so that you will get more responses.

[MInute Maid]

I agree with Curls that the best way to deal with this is to undergo some CBT to make yourself feel stronger and more confident in dealing with her.  

I know exactly what you are talking about and although a big part of you just wants to be loved and appreciated, you  have to accept that your mother is perhaps not capable of satisfying your needs.  CBT will allow you to examine your own reactions to her treatment of you and will give you the skills you need to deal with her.

Sometimes the most effective way of bolstering your self-confidence is to bring the subject up with other family members - you may find you are not alone.  You can gather a great deal of strength from knowing this.

When you feel strong enough, you should tell her how she makes you feel.  Say it in a calm and approachable way but don't engage in too much discussion about it as it will probably descend into another verbal attack. Instead, leave the thought with her and go shopping or something.  When you return, ask her if she has had time to think about it and if she seems ready to talk about it, then try to negotiate some way of improving communication with her.

Try to think with her head and anticipate everything she might say to you: don't counter it with 'But ...'  instead say,  'Yes I understand how you feel  AND ...'

If all else fails, tell her to mind her own business and you'll see her when she has learned some manners - but don't hold your breath1!

[jo929]

I agree with jmi you may want to do as she says  start this as a new discussion as this one is old and the one Itsasizar posted she never did reply to any of the comments     luck  jo

[faithfulchild]

I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through but you need to draw the line. If you do not like the way she is treating you then you need to let her know explicitely. If she puts you down then let her know that if she had done a great job then you would have turned the way she had expected.

I know it sounds rude but if she keeps putting you down then obviously she needs to be told to stop in a way she can understand. Tell her that if you make her life so miserable then maybe you should get oput of it and be serious too.

You are an adult and you need to stop etting her treat you this way. It is not right at all.

All the best

[spengreg]

My advice to you is you either need to walk away (but only if you can without guilt) or see her for what she is, and stop letting whatever comes out of her mouth effect you.  I have a mother who is a monster, and I broke ties with her for 10 years.  She is now in my life, but on my terms, and I treat her with love, but anything she does or says has absoultely no effect on me.  I have even told her she is not to talk about certain topics ever, and if she does I will have no choice to distance myself from her again.  I understand that she is the way she is from whatever happened in her life, and I am sad for her, but I will not let her poison touch me or my family.  That is what is healthiest and best for me.

good luck to you.  It is always so much easier to say it than to do it.  If this has been going on for a long time, you may in some uncontious way need her to continue to punish you because you can not imagine a life without it.

spengreg

[bertski]

Wow...I'm very sorry to hear that. Have you tried to talk to her about the way you're feeling inside (the way you feel about her, the way she makes you feel, and why she makes you feel that way). Instead of saying lines like, "Mom! I hate you! Why do you talk to me like this!" ect.....start out by saying the positive things about her...for example.."Mom, i really do love you and i know you love me as well. I just cant figure out why you like to bring me down. It hurts me inside and i really dont like being around you. i wish we could have that mother son relationship once again." something along those lines..START and END with a positive.

[April2]

I can kinda relate too. I have a pretty controling mother who is always right. I don't think it's quite as bad as you describe but I always just usually agreed with her to keep the peace because she's always got to have the last word and she's always right! It used to drive me crazy, still does but I don't argue with her.
I always felt like she was telling me how to parent my kids and would say negative things about my husband or one of my kids, etc. Since I tend to be a people pleaser and try and keep the peace, I keep my mouth shut for the most part. But it was pretty stressful.
Like you, my mother lives in another state so I only see her about once a year or so so figured I could take it. I finally talked to a counselor about it once and he recommended I read a book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This book can really help! It will teach you how to say no, how to set up boundaries with family members and friends and how to take control over your own life. I highly recommend it.

I hope you see this message. I noticed you haven't been on in awhile. But give it a try. Pick up the book and read it and see if it doesn't help. I wish you all the best. God bless.

[MOTB]

Walk away guilt free.   Everyone in our lives is there to teach us a lesson.  Hers is what you consider intolerable.

I walked away from my mother years ago.  My family has tried dragging me back several times but I don't budge.  Just stand tall and walk away.

[zoidal]

It was a while ago now since you wrote on here so i'm not sure if you'll get this now but if you do i would be keen to communicate about this, my scenario sounds very similar, just hearing my mother's voice on the phone or seeing her handwriting on an envelope makes me feel very unwell and can take weeks to recover from communications with her. I now have no contact but the void it's left hurts deeply on a daily basis. Would be good to hear back :-)

[AnnaE]

Maybe I am projecting my situation, but it's something to consider. My family is sadistic. I have tried to befriend one sister because she lost her daughter. We got along much better with phone communication for a year, but she just visited me for 3 days, and nothing has really changed. It was really horrible.

I value and respect my mother's memory. I can have great compassion that she was ill and had a hard life. However, she made my life almost impossible. I suffered a great deal from her behavior.I stayed away from my family for ten years. I went back to check on them, and my mother treated me better sometimes. She even called me beautiful right before she died.

I could not stand to see her suffer. I always knew that I respected her no matter what, and that I would do anything for her. I have never stopped wanting her love. I learned this weekend that she died (six years ago) because of a medical error and I was furious.

You are not alone. There are a lot of families who cannot seem to support each other. There is only fighting and abuse.

I have been able to help my sister during her difficult time. I also helped my neice who died. I know that I cannot be alone with my sister again, Earlier this year she thought she had cancer. I was going to take care of her.

Families who cannot stop hurting each other are so sad. There are so many things we could enjoy together, like our children, but everything was screwed up a long time ago.

I guess I am saying that you also might find some positive moments in the future, with your family.

Even though I respect her, I will never feel I had a mother, because the physical and psychological abuse was so horrible. My mother may have been schizophrenic.
This has hampered my life so much, but now I feel more sorrow than the anger I used to feel. I will always feel glad that I went back to see her.

MY two sisters and brother who survive are really sadistic. Apparently, a lot of mental illness in my family. Manic depressive, bipolar, schizophrenia.

It is too sad that I cannot see my other sister and brother, but they are so abusive. I do love them, but they are so cruel. All three siblings abused me in one way or another.
If I try to communicate with them, it's just a stream of abuse.

I feel good about the good things I have done for family members, but I have ti stay away from most of them, all the time.

[Key27]

Hi,

I just post a comment about a similar issue.  I am 27 years old and I just( couple days ago) partly realized that my mother has been emotionally abusive since I was a pre-teen.  I think it is probably best to distance yourself; this is what I plan to do soon.  If your or my mother is willing to acknowledge that they are and have been abusive, then there is room for change and a relationship with them.  This abuse has effected me in a way that is soo deep.  I hope noone has to experience it.

I hope you the best!

[AnnaE]

How soon can you get your own place? Have you ever been in therapy? Can you see a counselor at your school?

[AnnaE]

What are you at fault for. don't understand.

I strongly feel that you could get help. I havegotten a ot of help.

[zoidal]

I can totally see and feel I understand where you are coming from...
I think in life everyone can only really comment on things that they understand through their own experience, so don't be deterred if they don't understand your situation, it is unique to you :-) I would guess that maybe through your life you haven't met people who have experienced/understand what it is that you have been/are going through. I'm not sure of your age but I'm 31 now and looking back it took years (my whole life) to begin to admit/understand and get over what happened in my childhood, growing up and even now (with my mother) (I do not communicate with her now and consequently my family do not communicate with me). It's really hard and hurts and I am still getting over it now but I know that (for me) no contact is the only way I can feel happy/move on with my life. I think you know instinctively that what you have been through is wrong and I think it is most important regardless of any advice that you may get that you always listen to your inner voice as it will tell you the truth, try to protect you. Situations with a mother are rarely black and white but I think your inner voice with be trying to guide you to safely and I think you should try to tune into that and listen to it. If people blame you and it upsets me I think it is because this goes against the truth as you know it to be. Blame is unhelpful anyway, I think it is 'easy' to blame, but very unhelpful. Your mother may be strong and commanding and draw similar people and support near to her but that doesn't mean you have to be part of this or agree with her/them, you are your own unique person and owe it to yourself to be this person in life. It sounds to me like you need to be 'free' from your mother (this may be but doesn't need to be forever) to be able to become the person you truly are (not the one as you said yourself that you pretend to be). But I don't believe it makes sense for people to be in your life if they hurt you. Seek out support and people who make you feel good and be kind to yourself. I think your first job is to learn to value and love yourself which is a hard, hard thing when you haven't received this strong message from your own mother. My mother too said her love was 'conditional'...not something I have come to believe love is/should be. It may be helpful to begin to think about the people in your life you can/can't talk to and with those you can you need to be honest. I suggest going to the doctor and asking for help and you may need help for years from different people but although hard work it will be worth it even if each experience only seems to help you learn something little as once you've learnt it you can choose not to do it again (or consciously try) if it hurts you. Write down what you believe to be true and keep going back to it if you don't trust yourself right now. It's my bet it will read true in one day/week/month/year...and if it does get the help you deserve, you do deserve to be and feel loved, EVERYBODY does...you will feel BEST when you love yourself but others (the 'right' sort) can help you learn to do that :-) x x

[rope411]

my mother constanly puts me down calling me selfish stupid useless a ******* a thug etc when none of it is true i cant afford to leave the house yet cos I work as an apprentice electrian I get up at 5.a.m. get hoe round 6.p.m. ashower and go to bed if i wanna watch tv its a huge arguement if i wanna put clothes in the wash its another over the years she viciously assulted me with hands wooden sppons threw things at me drew blood with nails allowed her husban (my father) (useless scumbag) to assult me with walking canes a walking frame mentally torture me etc she says Iam at fault but how can I be I do nothing worng and she sings so high praises of my brother and sister who are truely selfish ignorant people Im at my wits end with the whole situtation..............

[jo929]

to all that have posted on this lately this is an old post and was made in 2007 over a year ago so if you start a new post you will all get more answers  luck  jo

[tigerjoe21]

When it is all said and done, how does it help anyone to just "stay away".  Has it occured that people walked out on their mothers very hurt and traumatised? Never mind about these horrible mothers, What people really want to know is how to get offer all the mental abuse they were left with AFTER they distanced themselves from their mother.

[faculty2reason]

I endured severe emotional abuse from my mother when i was a kid, I've only recently , as an adult started to accept that it happend and currently I'm finding  various ways on my part to keep things civil between us.
  She's never admitted to harming me and  i highly doubt she ever will. I don't even think she remembers. The abuse wasn't the worse part, it was the denial by my father and anyone i'd confide in about it that caused me to doubt myself and hold it in for so long.  
    I love my mother very much and i believe her to be a strong, compassionate and beautiful woman who's been there for me during some of the hardest times in my life and has worked her *** off to give me everything i've ever wanted or needed. I admired my mother and still do which made it harder to admit to myself that she could be capable of treating me that way, that she could ever hurt me as bad as she did. I felt guilty for most of my life, fighting that primal urge inside that encourages you to protect yourself from harm.
    
     Whatever happened to her when she was younger or perhaps even emotional problems she may have but will never admit to having that was who i faced. She was also extremly controlling and continued to dominate every area in my life. Things got harder and scarier the end result being me attacking my mother and being sent to a psychiatric hospital. Now things have calm down and we still continue to work on things..

My point being, some people are just ill and most will never want to see it or admit to it. IF your the child of one them you learn early the feeling of powerlessness and torment. IF you had a parent like mine their moods would switch from two polar sides.. Either extremly loving and doting  then suddenly malicious and cruel making it diffficult to hate them and see them just as bad.. Abuse from childhood and isolation can do alot of damage and to what extent  I have years of work ahead of me to really know.

[YogiDharma]

Working and studying Pshychology isn't worth much when it comes to the home front. I speak from experience.

I had a back and forth relationship with my mother as well for years. Ended up having no contact and since 2003 we have contact again.

The dynamics of the relationship has shifted. Yet it has taken a lot of work and a lot of forgiving. There are still times when she will go off and do some of her tricks in her odd way of trying to put me back into the position where she wants me to be.

You've studied psychology, you know the foundation of the situation. Now you need to implement the tools, not just on her, but on you as well. One way of finding a way through the emotional labyrinth is to seek some guidance yourself. That will help re-build the lack of confidence and trust in your self. As the ability to be self reliant is founded and the confidence is increased the option to address the conflict with your mother is easier.

It is never possible to expect anybody else to change. When wanting to change a situation, you need to take a good hard look at yourself to see what it is that you can do to shift the situation around.

By rebuilding your own persona, confronting your mother will be very different. The only person who can change the pattern, is you.

It is mentioned above, you only have one mother and one day she will no longer be around. And trust me, I have had periods in my life where I like you have said, my mother is no longer etc etc etc. Yet... I found out that a lot of the reasons for why she did what she did, and yes, it has not been easy growing up with her as my mother. However, it made me the person I am today.

Turn it around, look at yourself, grow with the challenge and as you grow, you can help your mother grow as well. It will not happen over night but trust me it is worth it.

There is nothing more valuable than having a mother as your best friend.

Again, rebuild your persona, build a foundation for you and you will find a way to connect with your mother. That I guarantee.

Namaste
Dharma

[ynot2009]

I have the same issue with my mother. This is a problem that transcends race and cultural boundaries - trust me ( I am asian btw). My mother is impossible to please, she has an opinion on everything and she has been verbally abusive to all of the girls in our family - but in different ways. I have 3 other sisters, I am the oldest. My mother was harshest with me and my 2nd youngest sister. She treated me like I was the dumbest, ugliest girl in the world - it hurt my self-esteem so much that I really ended up marrying a man that is emotionally neglectful to me. Looking back now, I realize that she made me think so poorly about myself ( that I didn't deserve to be loved, respected or cared for) that I ended up choosing a less than wonderful husband. He does not verbally or physically abuse me, however, there is very little love between us. I have 3 kids now ( 2 boys and a girl) - I love them with all my heart and I try very hard to make sure that I DO NOT repeat the abuse with them.

Anyhow, my advice is to keep the distance between you. That is how I have coped with my mother. I have been married for 18 years and in all of that time, she has only called me 2 times - once when I had my first child to tell me to avoid having sex with my husband until after 6 weeks post-partum and the other time was to tell me that she was having trouble with my 2nd youngest sister...

I usually visit my family including my mother once every 2-3 years. I spend the majority of the time with my sisters and their families, but make sure that I do speak with her for about an hour or two per visit.

When my daughter was born, I was very scared that I would repeat the abuse with her, but thankfully that has not happened. I love my children dearly and try to give them all of the love and support that I did not receive. Sometimes, that is all that you can do.

I have never blamed her for the way that my life has turned out - she tells people (behind my back) that she is very proud of me, but to this day, I have never heard a kind word from her - neither face-to-face or on the phone. I never call to speak with her because she rarely ever has a kind word to say to me, although due to the time and distance she no longer puts me down or criticizes how I raise my kids. We have a very detached relationship and that suits me just fine. Sometimes there is nothing that we can do for a verbally abusive family member. I don't have a mother-daughter relationship with my mother - but she is still my mother (and you only get one of those, right?) so I still give her respect, but I just do not try to maintain a relationship with her.

[hgjoyce]

I guess I finally came to terms with emotional abuse by my mother as well, I am 28 yrs old, am married and have two children.  My mother just came to visit me (we live out of state) and the verbal abuse got so bad, she was informing me that I was demented and brain washed by my spouse and his family, then my 17 yr old sister who is residing with my mom  yet, got in on it and begain cussing and swearing at me calling me every name in the book (this is mostly due to the one-sided-ness of things that my mother tells her).  I had to ask them to leave my house immediately and to sever ties with me ( I had never been so relieved in my life to finally cut ties after all these years of emotional abuse) (luckly my children were napping at the time), they left, my mother then came back to the house stating that she "forgot her cell phone" and cried and told me how much she loved me and that she was sorry for the way she treated me, and began to tell me how much she and I are alike, being stubborn..I call it standing up for myself when I can, she calls it being stubborn..go figure.
I let her treat me that way, and I felt guilty for "forgiving" her because I know I let myself down, and then next day I met them for lunch, and they always act like nothing ever happened.  I feel so ashamed that I let myself be treated the way that woman treats me, but at the same time it's my mom, what are you supposed to do.  I am still so angry and ashamed that I even considered meeting them for lunch the next day the way they had treated me and expected everything to be fine, like nothing happened the next day.  Shame on me!  I am ashamed, I deserve to be treated better than what that woman has put me through my whole life.  Shame on me.  It was a good time to have cut off the relationship, and like a sad puppy, I let her back in and played the game that everything was okay, and it's not!  
She has been calling the house now, and I don't have it in me to answer the phone, I'm so resentful of the way she has treated me over the last 15 yrs of my life, and I feel done.  I had taken a picture of her with my new baby daughter she had come to see, and when I look at it, it makes me so angry and bitter.  I guess I know what I need to do, but it makes me sick to my stomach to confront this woman (I can't even refer to her as my mother at times) to let her know that I need to cut of relationship at this time for my own mental health.  Oh boy...

[margypops]

Yes Jo929 said it this is an old post if you look at the date, would be good to start a fresh oneif you would care to as some of the members dont do this forum now. .

[cmk469]

I just googled up my mother is emotionally abusive to me and ths is where I wound up.  I read many of the posts.  I hope some of you are still out there.  I have struggled my entire life with a mother who is my  biggest cross to bear in life and it just keeps getting worse.  I too have found peace through therapy but I find myself sucked back in because of a brother I love and he wants there to be a family unit, he sees it he gets it but thinks I am too rise above to some degree.  He feels sorry for her since she is exactly her mother as well.  But it is only be and very gender specific.  She treats me so disrespectful.  NOTHING I say is ever good or ok.  She must interject a comment to the contrary no matter what the subject.  She also does this to my daughter and we have had some terrible fights about it.  But not my son.  I pulled way back for a long time and it hurt my dad as well.  But he is somewhat aware and does nothing to help me.  He is not totally aware of the things she says and does as she plays a part when he is near and when certain others are near.  She is fully aware of her comments.  I am like in competition with her in her eyes.  She is in a boring, loveless marriage and she wishes nothing better for me. I am recently divorced and she now really ramps up on me rather than suppot me at all.  She kicks me when I am down always and the only thing that works ever is no contact.  Any one here want to talk about this  I could use a friend who understands this, most people dont as your mother is suppose to be the one person in the world who defends and loves you no matter what not throws you under the bus any opportunity.

[margypops]

Perhaps make it a journal  or start a fresh thread,

[Key27]

Hi,

last summer i posted a thread about a verbally abusive mother.  My mother can be harsh to me so i know exactly what you are talking about.  However, my mom is helpful to me in other ways,  Sometimes i thinks it is me and my attitude and not her. My older sister get along with her well...she is easy going.  but it has gotten so bad between my mother and i that I can't even ask her opinion about an outfit that I may be wearing.  

When I go through relationship problems, she kind downgrades me and argues with me about it.  It has gotten so bad that most times, I would rather not be around her.  This is crazy, beacuse i love and when i was young, i always wanted to be around her, but not now.  

When i try to tell her that her words hurt me, she is not receptive.  She argues with me, screams, yells, and give me nasty looks.  i sometimes think that she does not like me too much.  Sometimes I catch her giving me nasty looks, even when we are on good terms.   When I ask her why she give me the look and what I did, she totally denies giving me the look.

But I really understand how you feel. I think getting counseling with you and your mother will help a great deal.  It will also help me and my mother, but I don't think my mom will agree to it.  I just try to stay out of her way and keep my mouth shut.

[margypops]

Old thread being dragged up again ..I recognise the pattern of comunication,

[SoulSeven]

I am so glad I found this forum. Just like the post from Key27, I too have just realized only recently that I have been emotionally abused by my mother.

All throughout my life I have constantly been feeling guilty,  low self-esteem, self-doubt, extremely self-conscious and I never understood why. Now that I am older, I put the pieces together and see that I was experiencing emotional abuse - not in a threatening sort of way - but in a very deep wounding way that has affected my psyche.

I realized that I never felt as ease with my mother. Everytime I'm with her I'm sort of just waiting for her to say something negative about me e.g. you're always this, you're never that, etc, etc. When I'm with her, I sort of brace myself for her to say things like this, and I learned to just put on a deaf ear until I can't take it anymore and I will explode. Because it hurts too much. I don't remember her saying positive things about me at all. Everytime I try to discuss something with her, she will cut me off and she constantly yells at me from something so minor e.g. not closing the gate properly, not wiping the table, etc.

All this have happened since I was really young. As a child, I remember asking questions and trying to say something and she would cut me off, saying I shouldn't be asking this and that. She would also yell at me in public as a child, and the memories are still fresh in my mind. Now I feel like as an adult, I have trouble expressing myself and I am not able to articulate things or ideas in my mind, and I have a strong feeling that it is due to my childhood experiences.

I admit that I am envious when I see my friends with their mothers where they can laugh and joke and share everything. I feel extremely sad as I think about this. I yearn for a loving, affectionate mother.

Sometimes I have bouts of rage and I realize that I have a lot of anger in me. I wish I could see a therapist to find out further but I haven't the financial means yet. I hope I can someday. In the meantime, I think it helps to talk to people such as in this forum, who have had similar experience of emotional abuse.

[FunnyGirl84]

Hey,

Having sought different therapy and coping mechanisms I have so far not found a successful way to sustain a healthy relationship with my mother in 25 years.

She frequently reminds me that I was an accident and that she almost died giving birth to me, she threatens my boyfriend and drinks and takes drugs excessively.

She is intent on creating another version of herself in me, trying to direct my career choices and preventing me from attending higher education when I had finished college, subsequently I am in my first year at university now and she couldn't be anymore disinterested in my achievements.

I am on tender hooks whenever in her company and she blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life ( I moved out when I was 18) and was absent for most of the said dramas.

She is most definitely mentally ill but is capable of convincing Dr's otherwise which is why she has never been sectioned. They just think that she is eccentric.

I have had to have countless days off work / school as a result of her actions, each story that I have to tell my boss sounding more far fetched than the other when they are all in fact true – it really just is the case that her behaviour is that unbelievable I have gone through life feeling like the boy that cried wolf and being treated that way too.

When I was attending counseling and she knew about it a few times she offered to take me then would drive about an hour out of town so that I missed my appointment – she has always hated me receiving any therapy as they always confirm what I already know – my insecurities and severe anxiety are down to the way she has treated me.

Due to a recent drama over the last few days and her sudden decision to hate me / nuisance calls / text messages / emails I have emailed her today to advise her that I will be taking an injunction out against her – this may seemed far fetched but there is so much more to my story and she just destroys my state of mind.

I’m hoping that this will deter her but based on years of experience its possible she will just up her game and increase the levels of distress that she is causing.

It is so easy for my friends and relatives to say just ignore her but when you receive up to 20 texts a day telling you how much she hates you and how you have ruined everyones life its difficult to ignore

[Blacksheep2283]

I've read some of these comments and stories and the similarities are not at all surprising but startling nonetheless. I have an emotionall abusive mother, but of course she would bristle at the term. The usual signs--exaggerrated emphasis on my faults, a paranoia that the world is against her, an amazing ability to pull non-sequitur arguments and to come to conclusions that have no basis in logic. Of course, criticism, criticism, criticism. I honestly cannot remember a single day with her in my memory where she did NOT complain about either me or her own terrible relationship with her mother.
  My mother's family grew up in Shanghai. She was the fourth youngest of five daughters of an eight child brood. My grandmother was, for the most part, on a mission to make sons and her five daughters were mostly treated indifferently. Except for my mom. My mom was the most loyal but, unfortunately, also the easiest target for my grandmother's violent mood swings. Of course, my uncles were never subjected to this kind of treatment because, I theorize, that this would have been looked upon as "bad-form" in a very doggedly Confucian society. I suspect her situation was much worse than mine. Still, the unhappiness passes through the generations.
  Growing up, all I remember was the criticism and the physical (Asian family, by the way) abuse. Of course, by Confucian standards, anything short of beatings to within an inch of one's life does is permissible. My greatest complaint years and years later relates to how I reflect and cannot remember a single time when my mom told me she was proud of me and that it didn't sound like it had some sort of condition attached. Those of us whose mothers are this way appreciate how nice it is just to hear "I love you" and to feel that those words are true. Those who have well-balanced loving families cannot come close to understanding the frustration and pain of an emotionally damaged family.
  If your mother is this way, just get away. That's all you can do. It's not fair, but, as we all know, that's life. Get away.

[Teap_cup]

I have this problem with my 64 year old grandmother. She is bi-polar and alcoholic. One day she is my best friend and the most amazing, friendly, fun and caring person you can imagine. And the next, a horrible creul, verbaly abusive, inconsiderate, aggresive (aggressive) woman. But i cant let her go, she has no one else, and i love her good side too much. We have been for therapy. There was no changes. And its all very exhausting, even though i am only now 23. Please help.

[margypops]

If she is alcoholic and takes meds for her bi-polar this could be some of the reason, depending what meds she takes I dont think they mix well with alcohol, so she needs to check with her Doctor,and ask for a change of medsor dosage , if you went with her you may be able to ask the Doctor further.all you can do is take the good days and walk away on the bad days..It sounds like she cant help it so in my opinion its you that has to do what you can for her.Good luck its great you are there for her .

[allmymarbles]

Things are what they are. There has never been a guarantee of perfect parents or perfect children. And although parents and children may love each other, they don't necessarily like each other. And I am sure you have seen families where a couple of the siblings get along just fine and another two can't stand each other.

Just as your mother annoys you, it is probable that you annoy her. It may not coincide with your vision of parental and filial love, but that's OK. Things are what they are, and we have to learn to accept it.

[nickname3]

Summarizing the content of NATHANAEL BRANDEN - "Psychology of self-esteem" in context to abusive parents...

Hello everybody,
I have read your posts and I will not give you any phony humility here.
I definitely have got less abuse than most posters here. The post with the gun makes me wonder, what laws you have....Overall, I am shocked how careless you treat your bodies! Many people here have learned DESPAIR!!!!!!
You have to learn self-esteem and optimism...

Actually, you have made me upset because while reading your posts I have realized how much scarce time I
wasted myself by not understanding the following ideas. So, the following paragraphs are for those of you who need someone else guiding them away from abusive people.

It is deplorable that human being can be enslaved by remorse, guilt, manipulation.
I cannot bear these posts who almost yell "MY MOTHER ABUSES ME WHAT SHOULD I DO?".
If someone hits me, I will never give him the chance to do it again. That does not mean I would hit back - there are many better alternatives than to become an abuser myself.
For some of you, this post may provocate feelings of anger. The more anger the less conscious you live and the bigger your problem might be.

Are you living happy or still looking for it?

Every human being who is mature can decide his fate of life. Leaving parents alone is only forbidden if you believe the manipulative suggestions of other people. Childhood contains a lot of programming of your emotional and cognitive mechanisms. Abusive parents will program you to follow a weak, dependent life and through abuse they take you a lot of initiative to decide on your own.

I believe in Odds, come from Switzerland and am proud to have finally found my way through other peoples opinions, characterizing and manipulative suggestions. I was once Roman Catholic and will try to answer it as if I was one of your sheepish community. To think although is the only measure of liberation you will have.
Think about the consequences of acting or avoiding consequences and not acting:

For example:
If you are stuck in some Mormon community, it will not be easy to escape abusive structures in your environment.
You perhaps need to commit social suicide to get a life worth living and will have to find new friends. SO WHAT???
I thought freedom is your highest valued good? The statue of liberty is it real or just "act as if"????

Now, some American guys are pretty much religious as I know from watching docus and reading your statements...
- Do you really think god created this earth that SOME CHILDREN/ADULTS SHOULD BE PESTERED BY THEIR PARENTS?
- LIFE is to feel happy, healthy and find a sense in HELPING (not abusing) other people.
- You are crossing God's plan by letting your parents abuse you, not by leaving them.
- TO LET YOUR BODY BEING ABUSED ==== SIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It is your decision to stop getting abused.

So decide:
Either you jump into a better life without regret, less pain and guilt trips or you keep here, complaining!
It is not going to be easy - some of you have SO MUCH PAIN, that I would invest money in therapy A LOT.

You are in charge! Not God, not your parents, you are doing that to yourself. If you think "OMG I got so much pain, I cannot do anything anymore" then your abuser made you believe the ULTIMATE LIE...
But you are coming to this forum, so there must be a good heap of DOUBT in it...

I know it is hard to accept it, but only if you emotionally accept that it is in your hands to solve it, it will be solved.
If you put your hand on the hot plate you will pull it away soon. Why do people let themselves abuse a life-long???
Because the abuser made you believe lies such as that he wants only the best for you.
Believe what you own body is telling you. If you get a bad feeling around people, what will common sense imply?

YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE - CHANGE YOURSELF!
"Change yourself!" means NOT trying to adapt to your parents ill expectations! Some of you ask:
"WHAT CAN I DO WITH MY MOTHER?" NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE HER ALONE and back off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This means move, get a new address. You are the people living in a "free country". No religious or parental zealot should be able to jail you with guilt and pain. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR OWN BODIES???????????

AND if you are still faithful...
God wants you to be happy!!! Come on!!!!
He surely does not want you to give your parents the possibility to hurt you. So, if you really want to follow his lead then stop others from abusing people. This starts with your own body. TAKE CARE!

TRY TO UNDERSTAND THIS EMOTIONALLY and you will be set free by your own will:
I. If you ever get hurt by anyone, it was you who let it happen. I strictly avoid negative people and abusive people are emotionally hurt and try to convince others by abuse that life should be bad. LIFE IS GOOD, so it is a LIE!!!!
II. If you do not get this out of your life, your children could some day be angry of your phony humility with your abusing environment. => You know how hurtful abuse is. WHY ARE YOU NOT PROTECTING YOUR CHILDREN COMPLETELY FROM THIS?????????? Who are you to complain about it, while letting other people suffer?

Do you want to live happy? From what I have read you think you want to, but emotionally you are not convinced that you deserve a HAPPY and INDEPENDENT life. You are writing a LOT but you have not the willpower to
bring actions on. I recommend the tapes of Melissa "OVERCOMING OBSTACLES" and reading as much about your inner blockades as you have free time. STOP WATCHING TV - this here is more important for your life.

Your no children anymore - get a move on!!!!!


From Switzerland with love and encouragement.
Matt

[sugerbow]

Wow I thought my situation is extraordinary till I found this post. I'm 27 years old my mum constantly keeps abusing me verbally which give me the impression that I'm her worst enemy I get cussed for anything and everything not just at time she can allow my younger brothers and sister backstabbing talking all rubbish instead of shut them up as I'm their older sister instead she join them and add more spices to the conversation to get them laughs. Ohhhh all of this is bringing my self esteem down,no motivation,I don't look after myself since I get told I'm ugly anyway no matter what I put on. I'm broken inside out,can't to talk to friends about what my mother does to me I feel embarrassed.  Wow I thought my situation is extraordinary till I found this post. I'm 27 years old my mum constantly keeps abusing me verbally which give me the impression that I'm her worst enemy I get cussed for anything and everything not just at time she can allow my younger brothers and sister backstabbing talking all rubbish instead of shut them up as I'm their older sister instead she join them and add more spices to the conversation to get them laughs. Ohhhh all of this is bringing my self esteem down,no motivation,I don't look after myself since I get told I'm ugly anyway no matter what I put on. I'm broken inside out,can't to talk to friends about what my mother does to me I feel embarrassed.

[sugerbow]

Wow I thought my situation is extraordinary till I found this post. I'm 27 years old my mum constantly keeps abusing me verbally which give me the impression that I'm her worst enemy I get cussed for anything and everything not just at time she can allow my younger brothers and sister backstabbing talking all rubbish instead of shut them up as I'm their older sister instead she join them and add more spices to the conversation to get them laughs. Ohhhh all of this is bringing my self esteem down,no motivation,I don't look after myself since I get told I'm ugly anyway no matter what I put on. I'm broken inside out,can't to talk to friends about what my mother does to me I feel embarrassed.  Wow I thought my situation is extraordinary till I found this post. I'm 27 years old my mum constantly keeps abusing me verbally which give me the impression that I'm her worst enemy I get cussed for anything and everything not just at time she can allow my younger brothers and sister backstabbing talking all rubbish instead of shut them up as I'm their older sister instead she join them and add more spices to the conversation to get them laughs. Ohhhh all of this is bringing my self esteem down,no motivation,I don't look after myself since I get told I'm ugly anyway no matter what I put on. I'm broken inside out,can't to talk to friends about what my mother does to me I feel embarrassed.

[sugerbow]

Wow I thought my situation is extraordinary till I found this post. I'm 27 years old my mum constantly keeps abusing me verbally which give me the impression that I'm her worst enemy I get cussed for anything and everything not just at time she can allow my younger brothers and sister backstabbing talking all rubbish instead of shut them up as I'm their older sister instead she join them and add more spices to the conversation to get them laughs. Ohhhh all of this is bringing my self esteem down,no motivation,I don't look after myself since I get told I'm ugly anyway no matter what I put on. I'm broken inside out,can't to talk to friends about what my mother does to me I feel embarrassed.  Wow I thought my situation is extraordinary till I found this post. I'm 27 years old my mum constantly keeps abusing me verbally which give me the impression that I'm her worst enemy I get cussed for anything and everything not just at time she can allow my younger brothers and sister backstabbing talking all rubbish instead of shut them up as I'm their older sister instead she join them and add more spices to the conversation to get them laughs. Ohhhh all of this is bringing my self esteem down,no motivation,I don't look after myself since I get told I'm ugly anyway no matter what I put on. I'm broken inside out,can't to talk to friends about what my mother does to me I feel embarrassed.

[SARAHKC0123]

i AM A 39YR OLD DAUGHER of a very emotional & physically (she used to beat me up) abusive mother.I refer to her as "The Mega Beast". I chose to cut all ties to her about 5yrs ago, when during a holiday with my whole immediate family there, I said something sarcastic & she came at fists flying. This was the first time she had ever done this in front of them and finally my family believed me after yrs & yrs of telling them she had done this all through my childhood. My brother pulled her off of me and my father came to his senses to what a "real" monster she truely was. My sister has recently thrown her out of her life after the Mega Beast teased my sister's kids about their father's heart attack & death last summer. My brother on the otherhand has always been treated as if he could do no wrong by her and remains by her side. She has told my sister and I she regrets having us b/c she only ever wanted to have a boy. Yes I know this is sad, but true and I have been much happier sinse I have not spoken to her or had to deal with her for many yrs now. I miss the fact that I never had a good mother-daughter relationship, but I don't miss her at all. I believe the only true way I will be healed of all the pain she has put me through is when I can finally look at her dead body in a casket and know that she will NEVER hurt me again. Sorry for the honest harsh truth there, but I sincerely hope for the peace that day with bring!

[margypops]

This is a very old thread being dragged up.... I think that the above poster should have called the authorities or the family should have when this all happened ..Its good that you have got by it and moved on with your life it couldnt have been easy ..best wishes .

[baby249]

I don't know what to do.  My mother, in the past 12 years has lost her husband, 3 sisters, 2 best friends, her daughter, and recently her other sister.  My mom has so much expectations for me, that I can not live my own life.  Since my sister, I have gone on vacation with her and my nephew to Hawaii for 2 to 3 weeks at a time, for the past 3 years.  I have done everything I can to help my mom, listen to her negative talk over and over again, all her stuff, and etc.  I am a very positive individual, and really trying to be more of myself all the time.  She critisizes me and puts me down for evolving and growing, because she does not understand it.  She compares me to my only sister that passed away, that I'm not the same, and basically not as giving as a daughter like her.  I have gone to my nephews home every Friday for a year to be with him, gone on vacation with her, take her out for dinner, helped her when her sister passed away, phone her almost everyday, talk her grocery shopping..all day, lunch, water her sister's garden, help with the house, etc. etc. etc.  And all is ok, but it's never enough.  This abusive behavior of hers is repetitive ...it creeps up.  She has said horrible things to me about the past, and I feel dishonors me as a person, and who I am.  She can not accept that I am a free spirit and want to live how I am comfortable.  I don't ask her for anything, and have the finances to do what I want.  I have developed an attitude being with her, that may transfer as not wanting to be there.  But this is only because the conversation is negative, putting others down, and living in the past and all fear based.  I am so not about that.  She helps me with whatever I need, but makes me feel guilty.  She is very manipulative with scares the heck out of me.  We are so different.  I want to be up lifting, serve the world, and live the best I can.  If I set a boundary, she flies off the handle, and attacks me.  I don't know what to do.  She has been ill lately, and I have stayed the night, called everyday, and tried to help, but it is not enough.  I don't want to have her out of my life, and want to have peace, and my birthday is in two days, but I don't know what to do...but I feel like being away from her.  Any suggestions please.

[mussonia]

@baby249:
your mother has on you the power you give to her. She says what she says as she really well know how you react. You are for her really predictable. well, try to consider how you could choose how to react. For istance: have you ever use irony, instead to take seriously her sentences? how she would react?

[smilingtiger]

My mother has been very verbally (and somewhat physically) abusive towards me ever since I've been 15 years old.  I am now 56 years old.  She has assaulted me three times this year.  The assaults weren't painful, they were more an emotional assault.  She's 78 years old, and I want so hard to help her in her old age.  I've been cutting her lawn, and shoveling her snow. For years.  But I put a stop to it this past Saturday.  Here's an example of her physical assaults on me:
This summer, after I was leaving, having just cut her grass, I had my back turned to her, we were on the front porch.  She then gave me a shove from behind, and then took both of her hands and raked them down my back as hard as she could.  When I confronted her about it, she turned the whole thing around and made it seemed that I didn't want to be touched.  That it was my fault, that I was too sensitive etc.  I know fully well when someone puts their hands on me friendly like, or in a false, monstrous way.  I too feel that my mother is a monster.  She can do her own snow from now on.  This past Saturday, I let her have it.  I became myself so abusive, that she will no longer want anything to do with me.  Good riddance.  btw, my Brother found out how I talked to her, he accused me of 'elder abuse.'  Oh well.  Too bad.  He was always her boy.  And they did some sick **** together.  No screwing, but some weird ****.  The fambly *****.

[allmymarbles]

You say your mother is abusive but give no insight as to why. What provokes her, for instance? And why do you put up with it? Is there an unexpressed need on your part? As a psychologist these are questions you should be asking yourself.

[TinyTash]

I don't want to call this lady my mother because she isn't my mother. She is evil and if I were you I would cut off your mother once and for all and let her suffer alone. These people are users and hypocrites and had it not been for God I would be strung out on drugs somewhere because of the neglect and physical abuse and sexual abuse I went thru as a child because of my mom whom to this day has never apologized or felt and remorse. She claims to be some prophet of God and she loves to call you a demon if you all her out on her evil! I know that God wants us to forgive but that's only if the person ask for forgiveness and trully wants it in their heart. So with that being said I don't have mom and when she dies which hopefully won't be long from now I will not care and I will not attend that witches funeral, because only when she dies will I receive true justice for all the evil this ***** has put me thru and still pus me thru till this day. I know I shouldn't talk like this but it is what it is.. and  can't wait to get my self made over so i won't have to look like her ugly burnt up ***. I can't believe my deceased father laid with her! Out of all the women he could've chosen he picked a ugly gorrilla to sleep with and bear a girl she could mentally abuse.

[TinyTash]

I can answer that. These unfit mothers are all the same. They groom their brainwashed children into believing no matter what I am your mother and you only get 1 mother. I am hip to all their manipulation tactics which is why from here on out that lady is not my mother nor is she a lady.. she's is a racist, ugly, rotten to the core, false prophet who uses God to get money out of her children since she could never get her own church(THANK GOD) and last but not least an abusive unfit person who's unfit to walk around in society. I don't wish her any evil but if evil happens to her I won't feel a thing because atleast I will know justice has been served to her cold.

[allmymarbles]

Why nurse these destructive feelings (destructive to you)? Just walk away from her. She is infectious.

[jever1066]

You give me hope for standing up to your mother and rebuilding a relationship on healthy terms. May I some day be able to do the same!

[col7276]

Hi hun. I think we have similar past. I have a younger brother and the sun shined out of his arse. I am only daughter and have younger brother. My mum has left me with lots of family members saying do u want to keep her! I get verbal abuse from as far back as i can remember. I am now nearly forty. I have a daughter and only her. I spoil that kid and tell her every day how much i love her. She herself over years has formed oppinion of my mum her so called nan, She hates her. Refuses to spend time with her. I won't forse her. The end of the day it is our so called mothers who lose.

[lemonjuice2012]

i need help also. My mother says she is a Christian and more and her heretic behavior is turning her into a monster. I tells me i am possessed on a daily basis for the slightest things like not washing the dishes. She shout constantly even though we live in a quiet neighborhood. I'm so used to her i'm barely embarrassed. The worst part is it's like she's in another world, she isolates anyone who judges her cause she thinks they are possessed and she especially hates her sister who, in her mind is worse than Satan. She is constantly rebuking her and brings her up in almost every conversation. If anything bad happens to me she tells me its my fault for not fighting the demon of aunty .... My mother can do NO wrong. If you tell her anything like mom you left a wrapping here she snaps and starts praying and binding you. I no i shouldn't be living this way. I want a normal family. Every time we go to church or prayer meeting i'm always disappointed that God doesn't tell the pastor whats wrong with my mother to fix her. I just don't have the words.

[Ramona17]

Barb, I'm living in an identical situarion, but I see you wrote this 4 yrs ago.  I'm new to this forum so I will try to find you somewhere on here to find out if you were able to find some relief.  My mother is so verbally abusive, and, because of severe health and financial issues I'm forced to have contact with her, but she is very abusive.  I have tried having a heart to heart but she is a very nasty person and thrives on creating drama.

[cherryb316]

Hi Ramona17,


I am going through the exact thing as you right now. Because I am not working, I had to move back with my parents. Also, I am caregiving for my father whom I get along with very well. My mother however is nasty, rude, hurtful and extremely verbally abusive and this has actually ruined my health. I was told by my MD that I have a rare immune disorder because I lived in such an abusive household for so many years. Trying to figure out how I can deal with her and remain healthy. I am currently looking for an ACOA type of support group which will help me to deal with her and keep my sanity. I hope you can find a support group that will help you as well. Good luck.

[montrealmoon]

The mother only has this one unique daughter.  There is a reason this daughter went into psychotherapy-perhaps she wanted a way to understand her mother.  It is of no consequence if the mother doesn't change.  As her mother, she has some measure of ability to affect her daughter by what she says.  That is the nature of the mother daughter relationship.  The mother is supposed to pass on to the daughter what she knows. In this case, this mother has passed on a legacy of hatefulness and spitefulness.  I know all about this.  I am in the same position.  I am 58, disabled, and live with enparents. My mother is consistently abusive and tries to hurt me.  She even gets physically abusive at times.  I live every day in dread that today is going to be the day when she is going to go off on me. She is mentally ill and emotionally unwell.  She acts at about the three year old level as far as selfishness and self centered-ness go.  It is all always, always about her.  

All she cares about is being entertained by someone or something, yells at my father for his perceived deficiencies, and me as well fof no real reasons at all.  She is hurtful and hateful.  At times I hate her and at times I love her.  I always miss the mother daughter relationship that I always craved for with her, but will never have.   I shouldn't live alone, but she is always threatening to kick me out.  I do all the cleaning, all the dishes, all the laundry,and much more-- and I cause harm to my body all the time doing it.  Yet she never says thank you. She just ignores it. She sits on her chair, lays in her bed, or plays solitaire all day long, everyday.  I am miserably unhappy.  I just want to die, but its not happening fast enough.

[creole_64]

I am 48 and the abuse does not stop with mothers. There is no such thing as talking to my mother. She uses me when she needs money and like a fool i pay most of her bills. She struggeld when i was young to put me through school and for that i thank her but a life time of abuse is something I can no longer go through. I need help to let her go because i find myself taking it out on my friends. I will no call her and reject the urge to call her. I know that she is old and could not be here long but she reallly abuses me to the point where i cry like a 2 year old all the time. My husband doen not know how this affects me nor does my son. Each day i get stronger after an attack and now i have decided to cancel the credit card she uses. I know it is a step in the right directiion.

[allmymarbles]

Why don't you let her keep the credit card and simply not talk to her. You can withhold your affection by not seeing her, but to deprive her of the means to take care of herself seems vindictive.

My own mother was a very nasty person, especially to her in-law children. When she grew old my brothers and sisters and I chipped in to make sure she was comfortable and had everything she needed. However, because she was such a troublemaker, we put her in an assisted facility, rather than have her live with one of us.

I have walked in your shoes. She is old. Leave the past in the past.

[madz27]

Be strong in your heart and no that no matter what she does your heart and your soul is something she cannot damage unless you allow her... A Parent and a child are connected but if this connection is used wrongly then each shouldnt let the other hurt them..This is a case of live and let live .. make sure you live the way you can ,,, and let the other person just live in their fake world . Just remember that there are others like you and you need to be strong