emotional abuse by mother

[itsasizar]

Hi, my mother is excessively verbally abusive, I´ve a Masters in Psychology and I can´t do anything to stop her, the only thing that works in distance as I live in a different country but the minute I see her in 5 minutes she´s able to make me feel very unhappy as her insults and abusive behaviour are horrendous. 2 years ago I decided to cut all contact with her but I was unable to do so. I´m thinking in doing this again. I´m 32 years old and I don´t think I deserve to be treated like this, I don´t consider her my mother, to me, she´s a monster. What can I do with her?

[zoidal]

It was a while ago now since you wrote on here so i'm not sure if you'll get this now but if you do i would be keen to communicate about this, my scenario sounds very similar, just hearing my mother's voice on the phone or seeing her handwriting on an envelope makes me feel very unwell and can take weeks to recover from communications with her. I now have no contact but the void it's left hurts deeply on a daily basis. Would be good to hear back :-)

[MOTB]

Walk away guilt free.   Everyone in our lives is there to teach us a lesson.  Hers is what you consider intolerable.

I walked away from my mother years ago.  My family has tried dragging me back several times but I don't budge.  Just stand tall and walk away.

[April2]

I can kinda relate too. I have a pretty controling mother who is always right. I don't think it's quite as bad as you describe but I always just usually agreed with her to keep the peace because she's always got to have the last word and she's always right! It used to drive me crazy, still does but I don't argue with her.
I always felt like she was telling me how to parent my kids and would say negative things about my husband or one of my kids, etc. Since I tend to be a people pleaser and try and keep the peace, I keep my mouth shut for the most part. But it was pretty stressful.
Like you, my mother lives in another state so I only see her about once a year or so so figured I could take it. I finally talked to a counselor about it once and he recommended I read a book called "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. This book can really help! It will teach you how to say no, how to set up boundaries with family members and friends and how to take control over your own life. I highly recommend it.

I hope you see this message. I noticed you haven't been on in awhile. But give it a try. Pick up the book and read it and see if it doesn't help. I wish you all the best. God bless.

[bertski]

Wow...I'm very sorry to hear that. Have you tried to talk to her about the way you're feeling inside (the way you feel about her, the way she makes you feel, and why she makes you feel that way). Instead of saying lines like, "Mom! I hate you! Why do you talk to me like this!" ect.....start out by saying the positive things about her...for example.."Mom, i really do love you and i know you love me as well. I just cant figure out why you like to bring me down. It hurts me inside and i really dont like being around you. i wish we could have that mother son relationship once again." something along those lines..START and END with a positive.

[spengreg]

My advice to you is you either need to walk away (but only if you can without guilt) or see her for what she is, and stop letting whatever comes out of her mouth effect you.  I have a mother who is a monster, and I broke ties with her for 10 years.  She is now in my life, but on my terms, and I treat her with love, but anything she does or says has absoultely no effect on me.  I have even told her she is not to talk about certain topics ever, and if she does I will have no choice to distance myself from her again.  I understand that she is the way she is from whatever happened in her life, and I am sad for her, but I will not let her poison touch me or my family.  That is what is healthiest and best for me.

good luck to you.  It is always so much easier to say it than to do it.  If this has been going on for a long time, you may in some uncontious way need her to continue to punish you because you can not imagine a life without it.

spengreg

[faithfulchild]

I am really sorry to hear about what you are going through but you need to draw the line. If you do not like the way she is treating you then you need to let her know explicitely. If she puts you down then let her know that if she had done a great job then you would have turned the way she had expected.

I know it sounds rude but if she keeps putting you down then obviously she needs to be told to stop in a way she can understand. Tell her that if you make her life so miserable then maybe you should get oput of it and be serious too.

You are an adult and you need to stop etting her treat you this way. It is not right at all.

All the best