Aa
emotional abuse by mother
Hi, my mother is excessively verbally abusive, I´ve a Masters in Psychology and I can´t do anything to stop her, the only thing that works in distance as I live in a different country but the minute I see her in 5 minutes she´s able to make me feel very unhappy as her insults and abusive behaviour are horrendous. 2 years ago I decided to cut all contact with her but I was unable to do so. I´m thinking in doing this again. I´m 32 years old and I don´t think I deserve to be treated like this, I don´t consider her my mother, to me, she´s a monster. What can I do with her?
I guess I finally came to terms with emotional abuse by my mother as well, I am 28 yrs old, am married and have two children. My mother just came to visit me (we live out of state) and the verbal abuse got so bad, she was informing me that I was demented and brain washed by my spouse and his family, then my 17 yr old sister who is residing with my mom yet, got in on it and begain cussing and swearing at me calling me every name in the book (this is mostly due to the one-sided-ness of things that my mother tells her). I had to ask them to leave my house immediately and to sever ties with me ( I had never been so relieved in my life to finally cut ties after all these years of emotional abuse) (luckly my children were napping at the time), they left, my mother then came back to the house stating that she "forgot her cell phone" and cried and told me how much she loved me and that she was sorry for the way she treated me, and began to tell me how much she and I are alike, being stubborn..I call it standing up for myself when I can, she calls it being stubborn..go figure.
I let her treat me that way, and I felt guilty for "forgiving" her because I know I let myself down, and then next day I met them for lunch, and they always act like nothing ever happened. I feel so ashamed that I let myself be treated the way that woman treats me, but at the same time it's my mom, what are you supposed to do. I am still so angry and ashamed that I even considered meeting them for lunch the next day the way they had treated me and expected everything to be fine, like nothing happened the next day. Shame on me! I am ashamed, I deserve to be treated better than what that woman has put me through my whole life. Shame on me. It was a good time to have cut off the relationship, and like a sad puppy, I let her back in and played the game that everything was okay, and it's not!
She has been calling the house now, and I don't have it in me to answer the phone, I'm so resentful of the way she has treated me over the last 15 yrs of my life, and I feel done. I had taken a picture of her with my new baby daughter she had come to see, and when I look at it, it makes me so angry and bitter. I guess I know what I need to do, but it makes me sick to my stomach to confront this woman (I can't even refer to her as my mother at times) to let her know that I need to cut of relationship at this time for my own mental health. Oh boy...
I let her treat me that way, and I felt guilty for "forgiving" her because I know I let myself down, and then next day I met them for lunch, and they always act like nothing ever happened. I feel so ashamed that I let myself be treated the way that woman treats me, but at the same time it's my mom, what are you supposed to do. I am still so angry and ashamed that I even considered meeting them for lunch the next day the way they had treated me and expected everything to be fine, like nothing happened the next day. Shame on me! I am ashamed, I deserve to be treated better than what that woman has put me through my whole life. Shame on me. It was a good time to have cut off the relationship, and like a sad puppy, I let her back in and played the game that everything was okay, and it's not!
She has been calling the house now, and I don't have it in me to answer the phone, I'm so resentful of the way she has treated me over the last 15 yrs of my life, and I feel done. I had taken a picture of her with my new baby daughter she had come to see, and when I look at it, it makes me so angry and bitter. I guess I know what I need to do, but it makes me sick to my stomach to confront this woman (I can't even refer to her as my mother at times) to let her know that I need to cut of relationship at this time for my own mental health. Oh boy...
I have the same issue with my mother. This is a problem that transcends race and cultural boundaries - trust me ( I am asian btw). My mother is impossible to please, she has an opinion on everything and she has been verbally abusive to all of the girls in our family - but in different ways. I have 3 other sisters, I am the oldest. My mother was harshest with me and my 2nd youngest sister. She treated me like I was the dumbest, ugliest girl in the world - it hurt my self-esteem so much that I really ended up marrying a man that is emotionally neglectful to me. Looking back now, I realize that she made me think so poorly about myself ( that I didn't deserve to be loved, respected or cared for) that I ended up choosing a less than wonderful husband. He does not verbally or physically abuse me, however, there is very little love between us. I have 3 kids now ( 2 boys and a girl) - I love them with all my heart and I try very hard to make sure that I DO NOT repeat the abuse with them.
Anyhow, my advice is to keep the distance between you. That is how I have coped with my mother. I have been married for 18 years and in all of that time, she has only called me 2 times - once when I had my first child to tell me to avoid having sex with my husband until after 6 weeks post-partum and the other time was to tell me that she was having trouble with my 2nd youngest sister...
I usually visit my family including my mother once every 2-3 years. I spend the majority of the time with my sisters and their families, but make sure that I do speak with her for about an hour or two per visit.
When my daughter was born, I was very scared that I would repeat the abuse with her, but thankfully that has not happened. I love my children dearly and try to give them all of the love and support that I did not receive. Sometimes, that is all that you can do.
I have never blamed her for the way that my life has turned out - she tells people (behind my back) that she is very proud of me, but to this day, I have never heard a kind word from her - neither face-to-face or on the phone. I never call to speak with her because she rarely ever has a kind word to say to me, although due to the time and distance she no longer puts me down or criticizes how I raise my kids. We have a very detached relationship and that suits me just fine. Sometimes there is nothing that we can do for a verbally abusive family member. I don't have a mother-daughter relationship with my mother - but she is still my mother (and you only get one of those, right?) so I still give her respect, but I just do not try to maintain a relationship with her.
Anyhow, my advice is to keep the distance between you. That is how I have coped with my mother. I have been married for 18 years and in all of that time, she has only called me 2 times - once when I had my first child to tell me to avoid having sex with my husband until after 6 weeks post-partum and the other time was to tell me that she was having trouble with my 2nd youngest sister...
I usually visit my family including my mother once every 2-3 years. I spend the majority of the time with my sisters and their families, but make sure that I do speak with her for about an hour or two per visit.
When my daughter was born, I was very scared that I would repeat the abuse with her, but thankfully that has not happened. I love my children dearly and try to give them all of the love and support that I did not receive. Sometimes, that is all that you can do.
I have never blamed her for the way that my life has turned out - she tells people (behind my back) that she is very proud of me, but to this day, I have never heard a kind word from her - neither face-to-face or on the phone. I never call to speak with her because she rarely ever has a kind word to say to me, although due to the time and distance she no longer puts me down or criticizes how I raise my kids. We have a very detached relationship and that suits me just fine. Sometimes there is nothing that we can do for a verbally abusive family member. I don't have a mother-daughter relationship with my mother - but she is still my mother (and you only get one of those, right?) so I still give her respect, but I just do not try to maintain a relationship with her.
Working and studying Pshychology isn't worth much when it comes to the home front. I speak from experience.
I had a back and forth relationship with my mother as well for years. Ended up having no contact and since 2003 we have contact again.
The dynamics of the relationship has shifted. Yet it has taken a lot of work and a lot of forgiving. There are still times when she will go off and do some of her tricks in her odd way of trying to put me back into the position where she wants me to be.
You've studied psychology, you know the foundation of the situation. Now you need to implement the tools, not just on her, but on you as well. One way of finding a way through the emotional labyrinth is to seek some guidance yourself. That will help re-build the lack of confidence and trust in your self. As the ability to be self reliant is founded and the confidence is increased the option to address the conflict with your mother is easier.
It is never possible to expect anybody else to change. When wanting to change a situation, you need to take a good hard look at yourself to see what it is that you can do to shift the situation around.
By rebuilding your own persona, confronting your mother will be very different. The only person who can change the pattern, is you.
It is mentioned above, you only have one mother and one day she will no longer be around. And trust me, I have had periods in my life where I like you have said, my mother is no longer etc etc etc. Yet... I found out that a lot of the reasons for why she did what she did, and yes, it has not been easy growing up with her as my mother. However, it made me the person I am today.
Turn it around, look at yourself, grow with the challenge and as you grow, you can help your mother grow as well. It will not happen over night but trust me it is worth it.
There is nothing more valuable than having a mother as your best friend.
Again, rebuild your persona, build a foundation for you and you will find a way to connect with your mother. That I guarantee.
Namaste
Dharma
I had a back and forth relationship with my mother as well for years. Ended up having no contact and since 2003 we have contact again.
The dynamics of the relationship has shifted. Yet it has taken a lot of work and a lot of forgiving. There are still times when she will go off and do some of her tricks in her odd way of trying to put me back into the position where she wants me to be.
You've studied psychology, you know the foundation of the situation. Now you need to implement the tools, not just on her, but on you as well. One way of finding a way through the emotional labyrinth is to seek some guidance yourself. That will help re-build the lack of confidence and trust in your self. As the ability to be self reliant is founded and the confidence is increased the option to address the conflict with your mother is easier.
It is never possible to expect anybody else to change. When wanting to change a situation, you need to take a good hard look at yourself to see what it is that you can do to shift the situation around.
By rebuilding your own persona, confronting your mother will be very different. The only person who can change the pattern, is you.
It is mentioned above, you only have one mother and one day she will no longer be around. And trust me, I have had periods in my life where I like you have said, my mother is no longer etc etc etc. Yet... I found out that a lot of the reasons for why she did what she did, and yes, it has not been easy growing up with her as my mother. However, it made me the person I am today.
Turn it around, look at yourself, grow with the challenge and as you grow, you can help your mother grow as well. It will not happen over night but trust me it is worth it.
There is nothing more valuable than having a mother as your best friend.
Again, rebuild your persona, build a foundation for you and you will find a way to connect with your mother. That I guarantee.
Namaste
Dharma
I endured severe emotional abuse from my mother when i was a kid, I've only recently , as an adult started to accept that it happend and currently I'm finding various ways on my part to keep things civil between us.
She's never admitted to harming me and i highly doubt she ever will. I don't even think she remembers. The abuse wasn't the worse part, it was the denial by my father and anyone i'd confide in about it that caused me to doubt myself and hold it in for so long.
I love my mother very much and i believe her to be a strong, compassionate and beautiful woman who's been there for me during some of the hardest times in my life and has worked her *** off to give me everything i've ever wanted or needed. I admired my mother and still do which made it harder to admit to myself that she could be capable of treating me that way, that she could ever hurt me as bad as she did. I felt guilty for most of my life, fighting that primal urge inside that encourages you to protect yourself from harm.
Whatever happened to her when she was younger or perhaps even emotional problems she may have but will never admit to having that was who i faced. She was also extremly controlling and continued to dominate every area in my life. Things got harder and scarier the end result being me attacking my mother and being sent to a psychiatric hospital. Now things have calm down and we still continue to work on things..
My point being, some people are just ill and most will never want to see it or admit to it. IF your the child of one them you learn early the feeling of powerlessness and torment. IF you had a parent like mine their moods would switch from two polar sides.. Either extremly loving and doting then suddenly malicious and cruel making it diffficult to hate them and see them just as bad.. Abuse from childhood and isolation can do alot of damage and to what extent I have years of work ahead of me to really know.
She's never admitted to harming me and i highly doubt she ever will. I don't even think she remembers. The abuse wasn't the worse part, it was the denial by my father and anyone i'd confide in about it that caused me to doubt myself and hold it in for so long.
I love my mother very much and i believe her to be a strong, compassionate and beautiful woman who's been there for me during some of the hardest times in my life and has worked her *** off to give me everything i've ever wanted or needed. I admired my mother and still do which made it harder to admit to myself that she could be capable of treating me that way, that she could ever hurt me as bad as she did. I felt guilty for most of my life, fighting that primal urge inside that encourages you to protect yourself from harm.
Whatever happened to her when she was younger or perhaps even emotional problems she may have but will never admit to having that was who i faced. She was also extremly controlling and continued to dominate every area in my life. Things got harder and scarier the end result being me attacking my mother and being sent to a psychiatric hospital. Now things have calm down and we still continue to work on things..
My point being, some people are just ill and most will never want to see it or admit to it. IF your the child of one them you learn early the feeling of powerlessness and torment. IF you had a parent like mine their moods would switch from two polar sides.. Either extremly loving and doting then suddenly malicious and cruel making it diffficult to hate them and see them just as bad.. Abuse from childhood and isolation can do alot of damage and to what extent I have years of work ahead of me to really know.
When it is all said and done, how does it help anyone to just "stay away". Has it occured that people walked out on their mothers very hurt and traumatised? Never mind about these horrible mothers, What people really want to know is how to get offer all the mental abuse they were left with AFTER they distanced themselves from their mother.
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