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emotional abuse by mother
Hi, my mother is excessively verbally abusive, I´ve a Masters in Psychology and I can´t do anything to stop her, the only thing that works in distance as I live in a different country but the minute I see her in 5 minutes she´s able to make me feel very unhappy as her insults and abusive behaviour are horrendous. 2 years ago I decided to cut all contact with her but I was unable to do so. I´m thinking in doing this again. I´m 32 years old and I don´t think I deserve to be treated like this, I don´t consider her my mother, to me, she´s a monster. What can I do with her?
Summarizing the content of NATHANAEL BRANDEN - "Psychology of self-esteem" in context to abusive parents...
Hello everybody,
I have read your posts and I will not give you any phony humility here.
I definitely have got less abuse than most posters here. The post with the gun makes me wonder, what laws you have....Overall, I am shocked how careless you treat your bodies! Many people here have learned DESPAIR!!!!!!
You have to learn self-esteem and optimism...
Actually, you have made me upset because while reading your posts I have realized how much scarce time I
wasted myself by not understanding the following ideas. So, the following paragraphs are for those of you who need someone else guiding them away from abusive people.
It is deplorable that human being can be enslaved by remorse, guilt, manipulation.
I cannot bear these posts who almost yell "MY MOTHER ABUSES ME WHAT SHOULD I DO?".
If someone hits me, I will never give him the chance to do it again. That does not mean I would hit back - there are many better alternatives than to become an abuser myself.
For some of you, this post may provocate feelings of anger. The more anger the less conscious you live and the bigger your problem might be.
Are you living happy or still looking for it?
Every human being who is mature can decide his fate of life. Leaving parents alone is only forbidden if you believe the manipulative suggestions of other people. Childhood contains a lot of programming of your emotional and cognitive mechanisms. Abusive parents will program you to follow a weak, dependent life and through abuse they take you a lot of initiative to decide on your own.
I believe in Odds, come from Switzerland and am proud to have finally found my way through other peoples opinions, characterizing and manipulative suggestions. I was once Roman Catholic and will try to answer it as if I was one of your sheepish community. To think although is the only measure of liberation you will have.
Think about the consequences of acting or avoiding consequences and not acting:
For example:
If you are stuck in some Mormon community, it will not be easy to escape abusive structures in your environment.
You perhaps need to commit social suicide to get a life worth living and will have to find new friends. SO WHAT???
I thought freedom is your highest valued good? The statue of liberty is it real or just "act as if"????
Now, some American guys are pretty much religious as I know from watching docus and reading your statements...
- Do you really think god created this earth that SOME CHILDREN/ADULTS SHOULD BE PESTERED BY THEIR PARENTS?
- LIFE is to feel happy, healthy and find a sense in HELPING (not abusing) other people.
- You are crossing God's plan by letting your parents abuse you, not by leaving them.
- TO LET YOUR BODY BEING ABUSED ==== SIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is your decision to stop getting abused.
So decide:
Either you jump into a better life without regret, less pain and guilt trips or you keep here, complaining!
It is not going to be easy - some of you have SO MUCH PAIN, that I would invest money in therapy A LOT.
You are in charge! Not God, not your parents, you are doing that to yourself. If you think "OMG I got so much pain, I cannot do anything anymore" then your abuser made you believe the ULTIMATE LIE...
But you are coming to this forum, so there must be a good heap of DOUBT in it...
I know it is hard to accept it, but only if you emotionally accept that it is in your hands to solve it, it will be solved.
If you put your hand on the hot plate you will pull it away soon. Why do people let themselves abuse a life-long???
Because the abuser made you believe lies such as that he wants only the best for you.
Believe what you own body is telling you. If you get a bad feeling around people, what will common sense imply?
YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE - CHANGE YOURSELF!
"Change yourself!" means NOT trying to adapt to your parents ill expectations! Some of you ask:
"WHAT CAN I DO WITH MY MOTHER?" NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE HER ALONE and back off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This means move, get a new address. You are the people living in a "free country". No religious or parental zealot should be able to jail you with guilt and pain. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR OWN BODIES???????????
AND if you are still faithful...
God wants you to be happy!!! Come on!!!!
He surely does not want you to give your parents the possibility to hurt you. So, if you really want to follow his lead then stop others from abusing people. This starts with your own body. TAKE CARE!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND THIS EMOTIONALLY and you will be set free by your own will:
I. If you ever get hurt by anyone, it was you who let it happen. I strictly avoid negative people and abusive people are emotionally hurt and try to convince others by abuse that life should be bad. LIFE IS GOOD, so it is a LIE!!!!
II. If you do not get this out of your life, your children could some day be angry of your phony humility with your abusing environment. => You know how hurtful abuse is. WHY ARE YOU NOT PROTECTING YOUR CHILDREN COMPLETELY FROM THIS?????????? Who are you to complain about it, while letting other people suffer?
Do you want to live happy? From what I have read you think you want to, but emotionally you are not convinced that you deserve a HAPPY and INDEPENDENT life. You are writing a LOT but you have not the willpower to
bring actions on. I recommend the tapes of Melissa "OVERCOMING OBSTACLES" and reading as much about your inner blockades as you have free time. STOP WATCHING TV - this here is more important for your life.
Your no children anymore - get a move on!!!!!
From Switzerland with love and encouragement.
Matt
Hello everybody,
I have read your posts and I will not give you any phony humility here.
I definitely have got less abuse than most posters here. The post with the gun makes me wonder, what laws you have....Overall, I am shocked how careless you treat your bodies! Many people here have learned DESPAIR!!!!!!
You have to learn self-esteem and optimism...
Actually, you have made me upset because while reading your posts I have realized how much scarce time I
wasted myself by not understanding the following ideas. So, the following paragraphs are for those of you who need someone else guiding them away from abusive people.
It is deplorable that human being can be enslaved by remorse, guilt, manipulation.
I cannot bear these posts who almost yell "MY MOTHER ABUSES ME WHAT SHOULD I DO?".
If someone hits me, I will never give him the chance to do it again. That does not mean I would hit back - there are many better alternatives than to become an abuser myself.
For some of you, this post may provocate feelings of anger. The more anger the less conscious you live and the bigger your problem might be.
Are you living happy or still looking for it?
Every human being who is mature can decide his fate of life. Leaving parents alone is only forbidden if you believe the manipulative suggestions of other people. Childhood contains a lot of programming of your emotional and cognitive mechanisms. Abusive parents will program you to follow a weak, dependent life and through abuse they take you a lot of initiative to decide on your own.
I believe in Odds, come from Switzerland and am proud to have finally found my way through other peoples opinions, characterizing and manipulative suggestions. I was once Roman Catholic and will try to answer it as if I was one of your sheepish community. To think although is the only measure of liberation you will have.
Think about the consequences of acting or avoiding consequences and not acting:
For example:
If you are stuck in some Mormon community, it will not be easy to escape abusive structures in your environment.
You perhaps need to commit social suicide to get a life worth living and will have to find new friends. SO WHAT???
I thought freedom is your highest valued good? The statue of liberty is it real or just "act as if"????
Now, some American guys are pretty much religious as I know from watching docus and reading your statements...
- Do you really think god created this earth that SOME CHILDREN/ADULTS SHOULD BE PESTERED BY THEIR PARENTS?
- LIFE is to feel happy, healthy and find a sense in HELPING (not abusing) other people.
- You are crossing God's plan by letting your parents abuse you, not by leaving them.
- TO LET YOUR BODY BEING ABUSED ==== SIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is your decision to stop getting abused.
So decide:
Either you jump into a better life without regret, less pain and guilt trips or you keep here, complaining!
It is not going to be easy - some of you have SO MUCH PAIN, that I would invest money in therapy A LOT.
You are in charge! Not God, not your parents, you are doing that to yourself. If you think "OMG I got so much pain, I cannot do anything anymore" then your abuser made you believe the ULTIMATE LIE...
But you are coming to this forum, so there must be a good heap of DOUBT in it...
I know it is hard to accept it, but only if you emotionally accept that it is in your hands to solve it, it will be solved.
If you put your hand on the hot plate you will pull it away soon. Why do people let themselves abuse a life-long???
Because the abuser made you believe lies such as that he wants only the best for you.
Believe what you own body is telling you. If you get a bad feeling around people, what will common sense imply?
YOU CANNOT CHANGE PEOPLE - CHANGE YOURSELF!
"Change yourself!" means NOT trying to adapt to your parents ill expectations! Some of you ask:
"WHAT CAN I DO WITH MY MOTHER?" NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE HER ALONE and back off!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This means move, get a new address. You are the people living in a "free country". No religious or parental zealot should be able to jail you with guilt and pain. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOUR OWN BODIES???????????
AND if you are still faithful...
God wants you to be happy!!! Come on!!!!
He surely does not want you to give your parents the possibility to hurt you. So, if you really want to follow his lead then stop others from abusing people. This starts with your own body. TAKE CARE!
TRY TO UNDERSTAND THIS EMOTIONALLY and you will be set free by your own will:
I. If you ever get hurt by anyone, it was you who let it happen. I strictly avoid negative people and abusive people are emotionally hurt and try to convince others by abuse that life should be bad. LIFE IS GOOD, so it is a LIE!!!!
II. If you do not get this out of your life, your children could some day be angry of your phony humility with your abusing environment. => You know how hurtful abuse is. WHY ARE YOU NOT PROTECTING YOUR CHILDREN COMPLETELY FROM THIS?????????? Who are you to complain about it, while letting other people suffer?
Do you want to live happy? From what I have read you think you want to, but emotionally you are not convinced that you deserve a HAPPY and INDEPENDENT life. You are writing a LOT but you have not the willpower to
bring actions on. I recommend the tapes of Melissa "OVERCOMING OBSTACLES" and reading as much about your inner blockades as you have free time. STOP WATCHING TV - this here is more important for your life.
Your no children anymore - get a move on!!!!!
From Switzerland with love and encouragement.
Matt
Things are what they are. There has never been a guarantee of perfect parents or perfect children. And although parents and children may love each other, they don't necessarily like each other. And I am sure you have seen families where a couple of the siblings get along just fine and another two can't stand each other.
Just as your mother annoys you, it is probable that you annoy her. It may not coincide with your vision of parental and filial love, but that's OK. Things are what they are, and we have to learn to accept it.
Just as your mother annoys you, it is probable that you annoy her. It may not coincide with your vision of parental and filial love, but that's OK. Things are what they are, and we have to learn to accept it.
If she is alcoholic and takes meds for her bi-polar this could be some of the reason, depending what meds she takes I dont think they mix well with alcohol, so she needs to check with her Doctor,and ask for a change of medsor dosage , if you went with her you may be able to ask the Doctor further.all you can do is take the good days and walk away on the bad days..It sounds like she cant help it so in my opinion its you that has to do what you can for her.Good luck its great you are there for her .
I have this problem with my 64 year old grandmother. She is bi-polar and alcoholic. One day she is my best friend and the most amazing, friendly, fun and caring person you can imagine. And the next, a horrible creul, verbaly abusive, inconsiderate, aggresive woman. But i cant let her go, she has no one else, and i love her good side too much. We have been for therapy. There was no changes. And its all very exhausting, even though i am only now 23. Please help.
I've read some of these comments and stories and the similarities are not at all surprising but startling nonetheless. I have an emotionall abusive mother, but of course she would bristle at the term. The usual signs--exaggerrated emphasis on my faults, a paranoia that the world is against her, an amazing ability to pull non-sequitur arguments and to come to conclusions that have no basis in logic. Of course, criticism, criticism, criticism. I honestly cannot remember a single day with her in my memory where she did NOT complain about either me or her own terrible relationship with her mother.
My mother's family grew up in Shanghai. She was the fourth youngest of five daughters of an eight child brood. My grandmother was, for the most part, on a mission to make sons and her five daughters were mostly treated indifferently. Except for my mom. My mom was the most loyal but, unfortunately, also the easiest target for my grandmother's violent mood swings. Of course, my uncles were never subjected to this kind of treatment because, I theorize, that this would have been looked upon as "bad-form" in a very doggedly Confucian society. I suspect her situation was much worse than mine. Still, the unhappiness passes through the generations.
Growing up, all I remember was the criticism and the physical (Asian family, by the way) abuse. Of course, by Confucian standards, anything short of beatings to within an inch of one's life does is permissible. My greatest complaint years and years later relates to how I reflect and cannot remember a single time when my mom told me she was proud of me and that it didn't sound like it had some sort of condition attached. Those of us whose mothers are this way appreciate how nice it is just to hear "I love you" and to feel that those words are true. Those who have well-balanced loving families cannot come close to understanding the frustration and pain of an emotionally damaged family.
If your mother is this way, just get away. That's all you can do. It's not fair, but, as we all know, that's life. Get away.
My mother's family grew up in Shanghai. She was the fourth youngest of five daughters of an eight child brood. My grandmother was, for the most part, on a mission to make sons and her five daughters were mostly treated indifferently. Except for my mom. My mom was the most loyal but, unfortunately, also the easiest target for my grandmother's violent mood swings. Of course, my uncles were never subjected to this kind of treatment because, I theorize, that this would have been looked upon as "bad-form" in a very doggedly Confucian society. I suspect her situation was much worse than mine. Still, the unhappiness passes through the generations.
Growing up, all I remember was the criticism and the physical (Asian family, by the way) abuse. Of course, by Confucian standards, anything short of beatings to within an inch of one's life does is permissible. My greatest complaint years and years later relates to how I reflect and cannot remember a single time when my mom told me she was proud of me and that it didn't sound like it had some sort of condition attached. Those of us whose mothers are this way appreciate how nice it is just to hear "I love you" and to feel that those words are true. Those who have well-balanced loving families cannot come close to understanding the frustration and pain of an emotionally damaged family.
If your mother is this way, just get away. That's all you can do. It's not fair, but, as we all know, that's life. Get away.
Hey,
Having sought different therapy and coping mechanisms I have so far not found a successful way to sustain a healthy relationship with my mother in 25 years.
She frequently reminds me that I was an accident and that she almost died giving birth to me, she threatens my boyfriend and drinks and takes drugs excessively.
She is intent on creating another version of herself in me, trying to direct my career choices and preventing me from attending higher education when I had finished college, subsequently I am in my first year at university now and she couldn't be anymore disinterested in my achievements.
I am on tender hooks whenever in her company and she blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life ( I moved out when I was 18) and was absent for most of the said dramas.
She is most definitely mentally ill but is capable of convincing Dr's otherwise which is why she has never been sectioned. They just think that she is eccentric.
I have had to have countless days off work / school as a result of her actions, each story that I have to tell my boss sounding more far fetched than the other when they are all in fact true – it really just is the case that her behaviour is that unbelievable I have gone through life feeling like the boy that cried wolf and being treated that way too.
When I was attending counseling and she knew about it a few times she offered to take me then would drive about an hour out of town so that I missed my appointment – she has always hated me receiving any therapy as they always confirm what I already know – my insecurities and severe anxiety are down to the way she has treated me.
Due to a recent drama over the last few days and her sudden decision to hate me / nuisance calls / text messages / emails I have emailed her today to advise her that I will be taking an injunction out against her – this may seemed far fetched but there is so much more to my story and she just destroys my state of mind.
I’m hoping that this will deter her but based on years of experience its possible she will just up her game and increase the levels of distress that she is causing.
It is so easy for my friends and relatives to say just ignore her but when you receive up to 20 texts a day telling you how much she hates you and how you have ruined everyones life its difficult to ignore
Having sought different therapy and coping mechanisms I have so far not found a successful way to sustain a healthy relationship with my mother in 25 years.
She frequently reminds me that I was an accident and that she almost died giving birth to me, she threatens my boyfriend and drinks and takes drugs excessively.
She is intent on creating another version of herself in me, trying to direct my career choices and preventing me from attending higher education when I had finished college, subsequently I am in my first year at university now and she couldn't be anymore disinterested in my achievements.
I am on tender hooks whenever in her company and she blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life ( I moved out when I was 18) and was absent for most of the said dramas.
She is most definitely mentally ill but is capable of convincing Dr's otherwise which is why she has never been sectioned. They just think that she is eccentric.
I have had to have countless days off work / school as a result of her actions, each story that I have to tell my boss sounding more far fetched than the other when they are all in fact true – it really just is the case that her behaviour is that unbelievable I have gone through life feeling like the boy that cried wolf and being treated that way too.
When I was attending counseling and she knew about it a few times she offered to take me then would drive about an hour out of town so that I missed my appointment – she has always hated me receiving any therapy as they always confirm what I already know – my insecurities and severe anxiety are down to the way she has treated me.
Due to a recent drama over the last few days and her sudden decision to hate me / nuisance calls / text messages / emails I have emailed her today to advise her that I will be taking an injunction out against her – this may seemed far fetched but there is so much more to my story and she just destroys my state of mind.
I’m hoping that this will deter her but based on years of experience its possible she will just up her game and increase the levels of distress that she is causing.
It is so easy for my friends and relatives to say just ignore her but when you receive up to 20 texts a day telling you how much she hates you and how you have ruined everyones life its difficult to ignore
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