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emotional abuse by mother
Hi, my mother is excessively verbally abusive, I´ve a Masters in Psychology and I can´t do anything to stop her, the only thing that works in distance as I live in a different country but the minute I see her in 5 minutes she´s able to make me feel very unhappy as her insults and abusive behaviour are horrendous. 2 years ago I decided to cut all contact with her but I was unable to do so. I´m thinking in doing this again. I´m 32 years old and I don´t think I deserve to be treated like this, I don´t consider her my mother, to me, she´s a monster. What can I do with her?
Hi,
last summer i posted a thread about a verbally abusive mother. My mother can be harsh to me so i know exactly what you are talking about. However, my mom is helpful to me in other ways, Sometimes i thinks it is me and my attitude and not her. My older sister get along with her well...she is easy going. but it has gotten so bad between my mother and i that I can't even ask her opinion about an outfit that I may be wearing.
When I go through relationship problems, she kind downgrades me and argues with me about it. It has gotten so bad that most times, I would rather not be around her. This is crazy, beacuse i love and when i was young, i always wanted to be around her, but not now.
When i try to tell her that her words hurt me, she is not receptive. She argues with me, screams, yells, and give me nasty looks. i sometimes think that she does not like me too much. Sometimes I catch her giving me nasty looks, even when we are on good terms. When I ask her why she give me the look and what I did, she totally denies giving me the look.
But I really understand how you feel. I think getting counseling with you and your mother will help a great deal. It will also help me and my mother, but I don't think my mom will agree to it. I just try to stay out of her way and keep my mouth shut.
last summer i posted a thread about a verbally abusive mother. My mother can be harsh to me so i know exactly what you are talking about. However, my mom is helpful to me in other ways, Sometimes i thinks it is me and my attitude and not her. My older sister get along with her well...she is easy going. but it has gotten so bad between my mother and i that I can't even ask her opinion about an outfit that I may be wearing.
When I go through relationship problems, she kind downgrades me and argues with me about it. It has gotten so bad that most times, I would rather not be around her. This is crazy, beacuse i love and when i was young, i always wanted to be around her, but not now.
When i try to tell her that her words hurt me, she is not receptive. She argues with me, screams, yells, and give me nasty looks. i sometimes think that she does not like me too much. Sometimes I catch her giving me nasty looks, even when we are on good terms. When I ask her why she give me the look and what I did, she totally denies giving me the look.
But I really understand how you feel. I think getting counseling with you and your mother will help a great deal. It will also help me and my mother, but I don't think my mom will agree to it. I just try to stay out of her way and keep my mouth shut.
I am so glad I found this forum. Just like the post from Key27, I too have just realized only recently that I have been emotionally abused by my mother.
All throughout my life I have constantly been feeling guilty, low self-esteem, self-doubt, extremely self-conscious and I never understood why. Now that I am older, I put the pieces together and see that I was experiencing emotional abuse - not in a threatening sort of way - but in a very deep wounding way that has affected my psyche.
I realized that I never felt as ease with my mother. Everytime I'm with her I'm sort of just waiting for her to say something negative about me e.g. you're always this, you're never that, etc, etc. When I'm with her, I sort of brace myself for her to say things like this, and I learned to just put on a deaf ear until I can't take it anymore and I will explode. Because it hurts too much. I don't remember her saying positive things about me at all. Everytime I try to discuss something with her, she will cut me off and she constantly yells at me from something so minor e.g. not closing the gate properly, not wiping the table, etc.
All this have happened since I was really young. As a child, I remember asking questions and trying to say something and she would cut me off, saying I shouldn't be asking this and that. She would also yell at me in public as a child, and the memories are still fresh in my mind. Now I feel like as an adult, I have trouble expressing myself and I am not able to articulate things or ideas in my mind, and I have a strong feeling that it is due to my childhood experiences.
I admit that I am envious when I see my friends with their mothers where they can laugh and joke and share everything. I feel extremely sad as I think about this. I yearn for a loving, affectionate mother.
Sometimes I have bouts of rage and I realize that I have a lot of anger in me. I wish I could see a therapist to find out further but I haven't the financial means yet. I hope I can someday. In the meantime, I think it helps to talk to people such as in this forum, who have had similar experience of emotional abuse.
All throughout my life I have constantly been feeling guilty, low self-esteem, self-doubt, extremely self-conscious and I never understood why. Now that I am older, I put the pieces together and see that I was experiencing emotional abuse - not in a threatening sort of way - but in a very deep wounding way that has affected my psyche.
I realized that I never felt as ease with my mother. Everytime I'm with her I'm sort of just waiting for her to say something negative about me e.g. you're always this, you're never that, etc, etc. When I'm with her, I sort of brace myself for her to say things like this, and I learned to just put on a deaf ear until I can't take it anymore and I will explode. Because it hurts too much. I don't remember her saying positive things about me at all. Everytime I try to discuss something with her, she will cut me off and she constantly yells at me from something so minor e.g. not closing the gate properly, not wiping the table, etc.
All this have happened since I was really young. As a child, I remember asking questions and trying to say something and she would cut me off, saying I shouldn't be asking this and that. She would also yell at me in public as a child, and the memories are still fresh in my mind. Now I feel like as an adult, I have trouble expressing myself and I am not able to articulate things or ideas in my mind, and I have a strong feeling that it is due to my childhood experiences.
I admit that I am envious when I see my friends with their mothers where they can laugh and joke and share everything. I feel extremely sad as I think about this. I yearn for a loving, affectionate mother.
Sometimes I have bouts of rage and I realize that I have a lot of anger in me. I wish I could see a therapist to find out further but I haven't the financial means yet. I hope I can someday. In the meantime, I think it helps to talk to people such as in this forum, who have had similar experience of emotional abuse.
Hey,
Having sought different therapy and coping mechanisms I have so far not found a successful way to sustain a healthy relationship with my mother in 25 years.
She frequently reminds me that I was an accident and that she almost died giving birth to me, she threatens my boyfriend and drinks and takes drugs excessively.
She is intent on creating another version of herself in me, trying to direct my career choices and preventing me from attending higher education when I had finished college, subsequently I am in my first year at university now and she couldn't be anymore disinterested in my achievements.
I am on tender hooks whenever in her company and she blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life ( I moved out when I was 18) and was absent for most of the said dramas.
She is most definitely mentally ill but is capable of convincing Dr's otherwise which is why she has never been sectioned. They just think that she is eccentric.
I have had to have countless days off work / school as a result of her actions, each story that I have to tell my boss sounding more far fetched than the other when they are all in fact true – it really just is the case that her behaviour is that unbelievable I have gone through life feeling like the boy that cried wolf and being treated that way too.
When I was attending counseling and she knew about it a few times she offered to take me then would drive about an hour out of town so that I missed my appointment – she has always hated me receiving any therapy as they always confirm what I already know – my insecurities and severe anxiety are down to the way she has treated me.
Due to a recent drama over the last few days and her sudden decision to hate me / nuisance calls / text messages / emails I have emailed her today to advise her that I will be taking an injunction out against her – this may seemed far fetched but there is so much more to my story and she just destroys my state of mind.
I’m hoping that this will deter her but based on years of experience its possible she will just up her game and increase the levels of distress that she is causing.
It is so easy for my friends and relatives to say just ignore her but when you receive up to 20 texts a day telling you how much she hates you and how you have ruined everyones life its difficult to ignore
Having sought different therapy and coping mechanisms I have so far not found a successful way to sustain a healthy relationship with my mother in 25 years.
She frequently reminds me that I was an accident and that she almost died giving birth to me, she threatens my boyfriend and drinks and takes drugs excessively.
She is intent on creating another version of herself in me, trying to direct my career choices and preventing me from attending higher education when I had finished college, subsequently I am in my first year at university now and she couldn't be anymore disinterested in my achievements.
I am on tender hooks whenever in her company and she blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in her life ( I moved out when I was 18) and was absent for most of the said dramas.
She is most definitely mentally ill but is capable of convincing Dr's otherwise which is why she has never been sectioned. They just think that she is eccentric.
I have had to have countless days off work / school as a result of her actions, each story that I have to tell my boss sounding more far fetched than the other when they are all in fact true – it really just is the case that her behaviour is that unbelievable I have gone through life feeling like the boy that cried wolf and being treated that way too.
When I was attending counseling and she knew about it a few times she offered to take me then would drive about an hour out of town so that I missed my appointment – she has always hated me receiving any therapy as they always confirm what I already know – my insecurities and severe anxiety are down to the way she has treated me.
Due to a recent drama over the last few days and her sudden decision to hate me / nuisance calls / text messages / emails I have emailed her today to advise her that I will be taking an injunction out against her – this may seemed far fetched but there is so much more to my story and she just destroys my state of mind.
I’m hoping that this will deter her but based on years of experience its possible she will just up her game and increase the levels of distress that she is causing.
It is so easy for my friends and relatives to say just ignore her but when you receive up to 20 texts a day telling you how much she hates you and how you have ruined everyones life its difficult to ignore
I've read some of these comments and stories and the similarities are not at all surprising but startling nonetheless. I have an emotionall abusive mother, but of course she would bristle at the term. The usual signs--exaggerrated emphasis on my faults, a paranoia that the world is against her, an amazing ability to pull non-sequitur arguments and to come to conclusions that have no basis in logic. Of course, criticism, criticism, criticism. I honestly cannot remember a single day with her in my memory where she did NOT complain about either me or her own terrible relationship with her mother.
My mother's family grew up in Shanghai. She was the fourth youngest of five daughters of an eight child brood. My grandmother was, for the most part, on a mission to make sons and her five daughters were mostly treated indifferently. Except for my mom. My mom was the most loyal but, unfortunately, also the easiest target for my grandmother's violent mood swings. Of course, my uncles were never subjected to this kind of treatment because, I theorize, that this would have been looked upon as "bad-form" in a very doggedly Confucian society. I suspect her situation was much worse than mine. Still, the unhappiness passes through the generations.
Growing up, all I remember was the criticism and the physical (Asian family, by the way) abuse. Of course, by Confucian standards, anything short of beatings to within an inch of one's life does is permissible. My greatest complaint years and years later relates to how I reflect and cannot remember a single time when my mom told me she was proud of me and that it didn't sound like it had some sort of condition attached. Those of us whose mothers are this way appreciate how nice it is just to hear "I love you" and to feel that those words are true. Those who have well-balanced loving families cannot come close to understanding the frustration and pain of an emotionally damaged family.
If your mother is this way, just get away. That's all you can do. It's not fair, but, as we all know, that's life. Get away.
My mother's family grew up in Shanghai. She was the fourth youngest of five daughters of an eight child brood. My grandmother was, for the most part, on a mission to make sons and her five daughters were mostly treated indifferently. Except for my mom. My mom was the most loyal but, unfortunately, also the easiest target for my grandmother's violent mood swings. Of course, my uncles were never subjected to this kind of treatment because, I theorize, that this would have been looked upon as "bad-form" in a very doggedly Confucian society. I suspect her situation was much worse than mine. Still, the unhappiness passes through the generations.
Growing up, all I remember was the criticism and the physical (Asian family, by the way) abuse. Of course, by Confucian standards, anything short of beatings to within an inch of one's life does is permissible. My greatest complaint years and years later relates to how I reflect and cannot remember a single time when my mom told me she was proud of me and that it didn't sound like it had some sort of condition attached. Those of us whose mothers are this way appreciate how nice it is just to hear "I love you" and to feel that those words are true. Those who have well-balanced loving families cannot come close to understanding the frustration and pain of an emotionally damaged family.
If your mother is this way, just get away. That's all you can do. It's not fair, but, as we all know, that's life. Get away.
I have this problem with my 64 year old grandmother. She is bi-polar and alcoholic. One day she is my best friend and the most amazing, friendly, fun and caring person you can imagine. And the next, a horrible creul, verbaly abusive, inconsiderate, aggresive woman. But i cant let her go, she has no one else, and i love her good side too much. We have been for therapy. There was no changes. And its all very exhausting, even though i am only now 23. Please help.
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