Is it possible he isn't cheating while smoking crack?

[twinkle0206]

Hi, I am new to all this, I don't use any kind of drugs...I only drink beer from time to time.  I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years, we live together...I have a 14 yr old dauhter that lives with us.  My boyfriend steals my car and my phone while I am asleep and oes on crack binges..I have Food Stamps for me and my daughter and he has even sold that for crack leaving us with no food.  He took our tax money and was gone for three days leavin me with no car nor phone.  He always comes back regeretful and feeling very low about himself...Last week we had an arguement and he took my car, as soon as i noticed my car gone i called a friend to come get me...I sorta of know where he goes to get his fix..it's 4 blocks over...where crackheads walk the street...i found him and he had a women with him....I made her get out of the car and talked him into coming home...on the way home he drove thru that neighborhood and was flagged down by another woman, he stopped and let her in...with me screaming and hitting him telling him no!!!  He just kept saying" she is just going to get my crack thats all" " i'm sorry"....in conversation after this come to find out thats all he has getting his crack is women...all 4 times...he says they getin the car show him where to go, get his crack, he carries them back and smokes it by himself...i ask what they got out of it, he said they get some of the crack for themsleves....I know notheing about crack, he say he can't et an erection while on crack...Is he cheating with these women or is it possible to ride with these ****** for days and not be sexual at all??    Note...when he gets home after his binges, he is really turned on and wanting sex from me! .

[atthebeach]

i am sorry you are in this situation. there  can definitely be  heightened
sexual activity during his binges. i would suggest for you health and safety that you consider separating from him. him stealing you car,phone, using the tax money,selling your food stamps. it will only get worse. i would suggest that you get checked for any std's.you and your daughter dont deserve this. please get yourself some help. do you have somewhere you can stay?  did this just start with him? or has he done this before?
hugs and prayers
debbie

[Bkitty]

I doubt that he is cheating on you,,he only has one goal in mind and that is to get high. He has developed a "ritual" so to speak. Picking up the women,,they get the crack,,he smokes it,,cycle repeats. He has a pretty bad addiction. I am more worried about you. He is really screwing you and your daughter with his addiction and selfishness. Taking your food money and your car. He will only keep doing this as long as you let him or he can get away with it. He comes back with remorse and promises never to do it again and shows you all this attention and you let him back in. You do not deserve to be treated like that at all sweetie,,neither does your daughter. Do you have any support system in place? Have you thought about an Al-anon meeting? Im just worried for you,, thats all. I wish you the best. The reason he sends the women to buy the crack is because he thinks that way he isnt buying it he wont get "caught" and go to jail. I wish you all the best!! ((HUgs))~Bkitty

[Bkitty]

Atthebeach is right,,you definatley need to get checked! ~Bkitty

[twinkle0206]

Thank you so much for replying...I do have somewhere to stay...We stay two houses down from my mom...I have a strong family and very close....they know nothing of this and would lose all respect for him if they found out....No this is not his frist time, this is his fourt time doin this since we have lived together an i dont know how many time he did it when we were dating...ther were alot of night I would show up at his apartment and he wouldn't answer and he would later tell me he was smoking crack and didn't want me to see it....i am very much against it...I have told him i am willing to help him ,but if he is cheating he will have to go and he has no where to go...he has been to prison over this years back and lost his two precious boys that we get every other wknd....I will not stand and let him lose my daughte...i have beautiful girs....22, 19 and 15 and a 6month old grandbaby I keep during the day...he gets very angry when i ask him about the women he picks up and have also told him I had an appt to get tested...He says he would never cheat on me that "he loves me too much"

[twinkle0206]

Thanks for your reply Bkitty...He tells me that if i would agree to it, he wouldn't Iet me ride with him and he wouldn't have to sneak out and steal my car..but I will not run the risk of losing my daughter...If he does it again he forces my hand to make him leave...And God knows where he will go!

[texaslady68]

Twinkle,  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  I had a best friend (guy) that got addicted to crack.  That was 7 years ago and he is still addicted.  It is one of the most addictive drugs there is.  He steals from everyone.  I no longer associate with him.  He had everything going for him and has lost it all. he has been in and out of jail also.  He is very sexually active when he is on crack.  In fact, that is almost all he would talk about.  he would bring random girls home and say that sex was best on crack.  I am not saying this is what your boyfriend is doing, but it is definitely possible.  You would be best to get checked because a lot of the girls he is running with are probably prostituting for drugs or money for drugs.  I had to give up on my friend.  He has been in and out of rehabs, and he cried and told me he wished he had never seen crack and that he just cannot quit.

For your daughter's sake and your own, please get away from him before he drags you down into his addiction and you lose everything.  You have to ask yourself is this the man I envisioned being in my life who is a good role model for my daughter.   When he steals and feels bad, it is because his high is gone.  If he really was sorry, he would not continue to do it.  I call those crocidile tears.  Good luck and God Bless!

[twinkle0206]

Thank you for your reply....I wish I could be sure of him cheating or not...I thought about even going and asking those women myself, they are on the streets everyday and night....But I know they wouldn't tell me....I have been hiding my keys every night...he only does it when he gets drunk..it's like he doesn't care who he hurts and what he does to my daughter..she has even begged him not to do it again..I have been in very abusive relationships, but this one hurts the most...He is a very good person and he works hard,

[foolslove]

I am in the same boat as you.  It's really freakin hard.

[atthebeach]

hun, it is better to be by yourself than to be in abusive relationships.
please go to alanon meetings. you will learn alot about yourself and co-dependency. you deserve to be treated better. you are a beautiful woman ,a mother to your daugthers. you need to exhibit a self love for yourself,  and for  them so they dont chose the wrong relationships also.


here is the link for alanon.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

your boyfriend needs to help yourself. you cant fix him. he has to man up to his addictions and issues and seek help. you cant help him unless he helps himself. he will drag you down.if he has a place to always go back to and can steal from you, at this point you are an enabler. that is co-dependency. please be concerned for you and your daughters.
that is wonderful you have a supportive family.take care of you and your family. he has to find his own way
may the LORD bless you,
debbie

[twinkle0206]

Just wondering, how old is your friend?  I am 44 yrs old and my boyfriend is 34...wondering if  this is something he will "grow out" of.....?? I feel like im raising two teenagers...

[texaslady68]

Twinkle, I am 43 and he is 44.  There is no "growing out" of a crack addiction unfortunately. It will take extensive treatment and rehabilitation and even that has not helped my friend.  Not even the threat of jail multiple times has kept him away from it.  He has lost all of his friends.  his  mother is an enabler is the only reason he is not out of the streets.  You really need to find a man who is going to love you and your daughter more than he loves a drug.

[minn66]

Hun, I really feel for you. My ex-husband was an alcoholic. In fact, he still is. While it is two different substances, we have the abusive relationship in common. He would swear there weren't, but later I learned there were other women. It was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I ended up leaving. Since you have somewhere to go, leave before you waste years on waiting for something that will most likely never happen. Best of luck and I will be praying for you.

Hugs,

Minn

[overopiates]

Yes its quite possible he isnt cheating with these other crackheads.Thats what they do get a peice of dope for getting it for him.Heres the thing why is that ur main concern(although to b sure I would get tested).He is having the ultimate affair.A true love type of one with crack.Its more important to him than ANYTHING ELSE INCLUDING U&UR DAUGHTER.I assume thats clear by stealing ur car,money&even ur food stamps so u r stranded broke&hungry.U r a classic enabler(ALONON would help u a lot).Ive seen this exact same thing w/my sister who has2kids w/a crackhead.He did exactly the same stuff&more.U need to stop worrying about trivial stuff when u need to focus on ur daughter.He isnt going to change thats obvious so u need to put ur big girl panties on&kick him out,dnt take him back&focus on ir family(which he is doing nothing but damaging btw)Im putting u out of this for a moment u have a14yr old who is not only going w/o but knows exactly whats going on(if u have convinced irself any different ur lying to urself).Ur showing her it is ok to b treated this way and thats what she will end up doing having a LONG line of awful relationships where she sacrafices hers&those around her including her kids when she has them for a man that is a loser.U r choosing this man&awful relationship over her whether u realize it or not.OPEN UR EYES HE IS A LOSER,USER,CRACKHEAD LIAR!!!My sister left her loser w/2kids w/him&is doing amazing,happy&he has SLOWLY over4+yrs tried to get his life together.Regaurdless though he has been smoking,getting clean&relapsing for over20years(he was29got her pregnant a week before her18th birthday).u cant and wont     change him&he may or may not b cheating   dont have sex with him,get rid of him,get  testwe

[overopiates]

Get tested&show ur daughter a better life while getting one for urself.good luck

[HanzP]

The hard truth:

1) You are enabling and actively supporting this guy's addiction. He will not "grow out of it"  as long as you are supporting his habit. No house, no car, no morey, returning to prison - that's unfortunately how you grow out of crack addiction. Incomprehensible demoralization is the motivator for change.

2) You are putting your daughter in an unsafe enviroment.

3) You are putting yourself in an unsafe enviroment.

It is your choice to make the only rationale decision -- you don't have to do it alone. The fact that you have kept this secret from your family speaks volumes to the reality of the situation.

If you don't have the strength to do it on your own(and appears you may not) go to a few al-anon meetings.  Make sure and check a few different ones if necessary to find one you like.

Share your story and you'll be flooded with support from people who understand EXACTLY what you are going through. They will help you. You won't be alone.

Wishing you the best.

Hanz

[doitformyson]

You may want to call the cops or something this sounds like a gigantic debacle.

[overopiates]

Actually I thought about this&3days gone,he says he cant get an erection(which I would gaurantee is a lie,just read similiar posts),he comes home aroused etc.U NEED2GET TESTED ASAP&not sleep w/him or anyone else then wait3months from the last time u were having sex w/him for a100%conclusive HIV test.U get get all ur testing for std&hiv@the health department btw.U deserve better so much better&he is of course regretful when he comes back ALL crackheads r BUT he continues to do it so he isnt REALLY sorry,he isnt gonna stop he has proven that over&over.He will never chose u over the drugs&he doesnt have to cause u let him get away with it(by not kicking hom out permenantly the1st time).It would kill u to c ur daugher going through this&trust me its screwing her up(her perception of men,relationships,trust,boundaries etc).He is putting u@risk when u go look for him,havimg dope n ur vehicle etc.

[LostNoMore]

Twinkle.

Make a plan to leave this man. Your daughter, and you deserve so much better. You have a choice here. It is extremely unlikely that your situation will have a good outcome unless you leave. The crack world can be brutal, as in violently brutal. You are putting your daughter at risk. If you cannot get away on your own, find a women's crisis center close to you and ask for help.
Honey, please don't stay. I know it's hard to get out of this, but you need to.

[overopiates]

I just read the previous posts.Go stay with ur mom.I WOULD tell her the truth for a few reasons.She will keep u strong when he comes aplogizing,swearing he has changed blah,blah,blah.Secrets keep u sick(as addicts&enablers).U know why u really never told anyone and its because YOU dont wanna face the fact that this wont change.Im gonna assume u have had some other really bad relationships.I say this because when u were first dating him u knew he did this&didnt run like almost anyone would if they didnt do crack and u say u do no drugs.U can get therapy&all the help u need free btw.U need to find out why u let urself to get treated this way,why u dnt thinl u deserve better because u do.

[Rain4Lafleur]

God bless you, sweetheart.  No one wants to believe someone they care about will do them harm.
1) Get yourself tested for STDs', HIV, Hep C and B.

2) Throw him out.  Stealing your car, out all night or for days at a time=dangerous man to you and your daughter.

3) If he is rotten to you, he will be serious trouble for your little girl (no matter what her age).

4) Addicts will tell you anything to get what they want.  They are most often very charming and will take advantage of anyone.  He believes his own lies.

5) You will be held accountable if illegal drugs or paraphenalia are found in your home/apt. = your daughter will be removed from you.

6) Call for counseling.  Get him out.  Move. And don't tell him where you are.  

7) I am alarmed.  I fear for  your physical safety.  I already know you are damaged from his behavior, words, and actions.  I fear for your daughter.

Think of it this way-would you want your daughter to live like you are-afraid, angry, uncertain, and in danger?  Treat yourself like a best friend would and get out of there.  I know, easier said than done.
Call community counseling, United Way, or if you belong to a church, ask for help.  You cannot move on this matter fast enough.

And, yes, he has cheated on you. Under the influence of drugs, this guy has no conscience about who he hurts.    And the people he does drugs with have no conscience about you, either.  They know where you and your daughter live....Please, get out of there.

I speak from experience.

[10356]

Hi Twinkle Welcome to the forum.. I'm a lil confused on your post. It seems him cheating on you is more of a concern then him being a Drug Addict.. Living with a active addict is no fun. everything he says is a lie.. I had more sex on my speed runs then I have had at anytime in my life Guys can go over and over on crank.. the girls that score for him are prostitutes. I do not know about you but my husband hangs with prostitutes that is a deal breaker.. he steals your car next will be your jewelry and anything else of value and your worried if he is cheating.. raising your daughter around this man can not be good for her. she is of age where she knows all that he is doing I wonder how it makes her feel..
I sure hope you listen to all the above posters as you need to be checked for sexually transmitted disease and Hep C I would also test for aids.. I wish you the best of luck but I must say before closing that I hope You can see what kind of life you are living but somehow I believe you know our you would have spoken with your family about your concerns.. take care, lesa

[Rain4Lafleur]

Lostnomore had an excellent point-women's shelter.  Please, please, get out of this situation.  

[twinkle0206]

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart all your advice that i plan on acting on...alot of ask me why Im so concerned about the sex part, partly because i have been cheated on several times before and will not stand for it, that i can't handle...there will be no question as to kicking him out. I feel that if he is just soley addicted to crack, there is a chance that i can help him, I'm willin to do whatever...As far as my daughter, she loves him and yes it's hurting her, I told her i was making him leave the last time he did this and she cried and told me not to do that to give him another chance that he wouldn't have anywhere to go and that he would hurt himself...i'm giving him another chance not ony for him, but for her...So she can't say mom didn't try and that if he were to hurt himself she wouldn't blame me...We are going to church Sunday and he has agreed to go......i have raised my daughter to guard her heart and to respect herself...It's a shame but she loves this man as a father...Her own father she hasn't seen in 5 years...Please pray for me thru this painful and exhausting journey that God will put his hand upon my boyfriends head and help him fight this aweful addiction that has plaqued our lives....

[10356]

My prayers go up.. If it is the addiction then I would strongly suggestion you attend Al Anon as it was suggested above.. There are many ways to enable a addict.. in enabling him you are furthering his addiction. he needs to get some outside support.. NA and AA are Free and a great place to start if he is serious. Speaking with the pastor will also help but he needs support.. every-time you hear it will not happen again and it does You give another chance, it furthers his addiction. it is very important for you to get as much knowledge as you can about drug addiction and addicts. read the post on this board ok.. you may find him in some of them.. I really do wish you well and Hope that you educate yourself.. I also hope you yourself seek support for addiction makes the whole family sick. you daughter can also attend Al Anon this would be a great benefit for her. I do not mean for my post to sound harsh but when he his stealing your food stamps and leaving you without food He is in deep.. Take care of you thru this ok..  lesa

[texaslady68]

I pray for you too because God knows with a crack addict you will need it.  It is one of the worst drugs ever and has destroyed so many when it was created in the 80's.  Do your research on it is all I can tell you. You will see how bad it is. You will also find out it is very possible to get an erection while on crack.  I just reread what you first wrote and thought "geez" he is good knowing you will believe him since you do not do drugs.

I almost feel like you are in denial about how hard this is going to be.  Please do not walk around with blinders on.  This drug is dangerously addictive and has taken down many good people and their families.  Eventually you will have to say he just isnt worth it.  I would rather be telling my daughter that it is NOT ok to do drugs and stay with a person who steals cars, phones, food stamps, and who knows what else.  She is going to be hurt even more the longer this behavior continues.  14 is such an impressionable age and it is up to you to show her the right way.  

I pray for you and him...please stay here for support and keep us posted.  We may say harsh things but that is only because we care.