Still sober but need advice

[Beccabeccalynn]

Hello one and all! I have been busy but i am still sober. I have missed posting here and have been feeling a bit disconnected and wondering how to reconnect on here and I just decided there is only one way, just jump in! I have a exciting oppertunity available. I have been accepted in a program called the Arches Project and this program will pay for me to move to a new apt. or house whatever falls into the price range then the pay the rent for one year including the deposits. It also tracks goals that are made in the program such as work or custody issues with a monthly meeting. So here is the catch, I have a boyfriend who I have been with for over six years most of them very rocky but not this last year we have gotten along pretty good considering that he is a alcoholic and I am an addict , both clean and sober. I know how to leave when I don't like or love someone anymore, that's easy to do. What I don't know how to do is to leave when things are going good. A chance to be self supportive and to learn to self sooth . I haven't lived on my own nor have I paid my own bills in several years. My boyfriend only sees it as my abandoning him. I have really tried not to put expectations on him. But I also don't want him to start seeing someone new. I graduate treatment in about three months and the Arches Project would start in about two months. What would you do? What should I do ? How does one know what's the right thing to do?
Becca

[Beccabeccalynn]

Thanks guys your words are very helpful thanks from across the pond Lad I felt like you could see right into my soul and by the way I love all the differnt speech that you have so don't change a thing. What are some pro- active words to use in making this transition? Vicky and Mary thanks for your words and for reminding me to pay attention to my heart. Rod I can't get enough of your straight talk it is so helpful.
Pip pip cheerio
Becca

[vicki595]

Hey Becca~  I didn't realize your child was not with you...to me, that's a game changer.  Your son needs to be with you,IMO. Everything else is second to that.
This is a predicament but I would put my child and myself first...

Good luck Sweetie~

Vicki  xo

[LADNORTHERN172]

hi Becca.........im very new to this site but very old to addiction and all that goes with it..having read your post and a few others i feel like ive come home,around people just as messed up as i am.judging by the wording and phrasiology i guess most of you guys are from the states. im an englishman born n bred in yorkshire...not that that matters one jot but you may not understand everything i have to say..or need a dictionary to decipher my dialect..anyway here goes...it seems like your main fears centre around being on your own and being able to function in this bad world without there being a partner around for you..well dont...it sounds like he needs you more than you need him..the fact that you are even thinking about changin your life will scare the bejesus outa him..the opportunity you have been offered is ,or could be your only chance at living free and sober..until you are free and flying right your life will always be chaos...maybe things have been ok for a while but let your experience tell you that this will not last...his alcoholic behaviour will bring out all his insecurities and all that is dark in his soul.the truth is that he does not want you sober...you wont be the same girl he can dominate and control anymore, if he truly loved you and wanted the best for you he would be 100% behind this plan.but hes not is he.....i understand that things are not that simple in the real world and there are many shades of grey when it comes to peoples lives...but it seems clear cut to me babe.....get yourself on the programme....get in place a good aftercare programme....do the work on yourself....it will be hard...you will have deep fears...but know this becca....you are a unique wonderful, special individual and you can do this...for now and ever...one day at a time....there is light at the end of the tunnel...the sky is the limit and those who truly love you will always truly love you...the very best of luck to you in making the right choices...in this world...our future is in our own hands...i will send you all my prayers and hope from across the pond...

[rod44]

This is emotional blackmail, the idea of him saying he will find a new girlfriend if you move sounds to me like he is very insecure and afraid of change. If he respects you he will understand you have to move on with your life, If the shoe was on the other foot how would he deal with this......he cannot control you and your decision and could be more helpful especially if you will be still able to see him.

Is there some way you both can meet halfway, compromise?

[allaboutmary]

I would think he would want you to try and regain custody of your son. I can't tell you what to do. I can only say that I would probably go for it.  Do feel this is a really healthy relationship you have with your boyfriend ? Plus the fact that you will still be able to see him and spend time with him. Just my opinion, but it sounds like he's being a little selfish right now.

[Beccabeccalynn]

Thanks for the response Mary to answer your questions I would be able to see him in fact I am hopeing we see alot of each other. I am trying to regain custody of my son my sister has gaurdianship I have no gaurentes(sp) but not having to defend his criminal record will be easier. He has started to say things about getting a new girlfriend I think this is out of fear of rejection. I am trying to not
let fear control my decision. I am also learning that I can't control his responses. What do you think?
Becca

[allaboutmary]

Oh this is a tuff one.  Will you be far away from him ?  Will you be allowed to see him ?  Does custody of your children depend on this ? Sorry, don't mean to drill you with questions, just can't respond without knowing more. It does sound as if you really want to do this and I would have to agree with above.....follow your heart.

[Beccabeccalynn]

Hey Vicky I know what you are saying and I have really thought about what you are saying . My counselor whom I really value thinks that this is a great oppurtuity for me. I am very torn. I hate when people tell me what to do but right now I really need some wisdom.
Becca

[vicki595]

Hey Becca~  So...Why leave when things are going good?  I'll just suggest to you that it's very possible to be independant,self-supporting and self-soothing while in a live-in relationship.  Millions of married women do just that (and many don't lol) so maybe try to approach your dilema from that point of view.  

That said, only you know the right thing to do. I'd do what was in my heart.  :)

Good Luck!

Vicki   xo

[LK58]

I am new to the site. Sorry if I didnt help answer your question. Just learning about this site as a whole.

[LK58]

awesome to see you get out your feelings. Im an addict and my hub is an alcholic so I feel some of the feelings you feel. I am curious if you read my post? Do you have any advice or thoughts?