Forced Sobriety

[debsally]

Well, guys, Sally is in jail.  She was driving home from the beach friday afternoon, popped a couple of Soma and nodded off at the wheel (she thinks)...woman pulled out in front of her and she hit the car.  Totalled both cars, failed a sobriety test and was halled off to jail.  She had been off the soma for a while again and not too sure why or how she managed to pick up some more, but she did and it really cost her this time.  

She has an old warrant she didn't take care of so she will be in there for a while.  I saw her saturday and sunday.  Saturday, she was really bad, no sleep, hadn't eaten, detoxing, cold, fell off the top bunk, s/p car accident and really aggrivated.  Sunday, much better.  I gotta tell you, she hasn't looked that good since we met.  See she doesn't abuse the 3 oxy a day and occasional norco...only the soma, but they are giving her tylenol and aspirin and I guess a xanax so she could sleep saturday night.  

Interestingly, we had just had a conversation about her getting on this website to get support.  Talking about more support for her to help her stay away from the soma.  Then she had to put her dog to sleep last weekend and still didn't take any until.........friday.  Talk, talk, talk and now, forced sobriety.  It sure looks good on her.  

It is really hard cause I know she is hurting and I cannot even imagine being in jail.  It breaks my heart that she has to go through this, but I know it will have a good result.  Can't help my perpetual optimism.  If she is forced to stay clean long enough, she might realize how much better her life can be.  I am hopeful and even if that seems stupid, I don't care.  We have been through too much and I gave up on her once...and I am back and better than ever.  I changed my attitude and decided to stick with her no matter what and change the way I deal with her addiction.....

I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it....(I got that from one of you here and it has changed my life)...what I can do is take care of myself, set boundaries and stick to them and love and support her as much as I can.  Trust me, it is not a bad life, even with this happening, I'd rather be with her than without her.  I believe she will get better.  And I believe in love.

So that is what is going on with me.

Miss you....old randoms....miss you heaps.

How is everyone???

Debbie

[debsally]

You are so right, so intuitive (I'm sure I spelled that wrong).  Talked to her this morning and today is a harder day.  She is not sleeping and has diarrhea, part of the detox.  She felt good yesterday so she thought the worst is over.  The way she feels today is just strenthening her resolve. She told me where all her pills are and told me to throw everything out, flush and get rid of the bottles.  She wants to cut off old friendships with people she knows are not good for her.  She feels weak today so say a prayer, but really, she is stronger than she feels.  Alot of the girls are on lock down for behavior so that is scarry cause her cellmate is young and coming off meth. this girl is either sleeping or buzzing around and has just found out that she is pregnant.  Sally doesnt' want this girl to jeopardize her ability to have phone and visiting priveledges.  (My spelling is really bad, anyway).

OMG, I cannot even imagine what it must be like for her.  She told me enough today to cause a flood of tears when we hung up.  It is a horrible enviroment, obviously for a reason.  Also her pain is really bad in her back cause she is sleeping on a mat on the floor.  She does have herniated discs in her back and neck with pretty bad stenosis.  ot a fun way to sober up, but apparently necessary to provoke this change.  

Thats it for now.  I am barely hanging on today, myself.  Feeling a little weak and tired, trying to stay busy at work.  Feel like I am still in shock and scared when my feelings come out that it will trigger a tital wave of tears that feel like they are at the top of my throat.  I am praying a lot and taking care of myself...dont get me wrong.  I need to figure out how to work through my feelings so I can feel more emotionally strong instead of emotionally raw and shut down and numb.

Hope you all are doing well.  Best wishes to you, my friend, and all the old randoms, and everyone here.  Keep on keepin on!!!

Love,

Debbie
xxx

[tztlady]

When I was using street drugs it was a trip to jail that "got my attention" and I stayed clean 20 years.   You know the true person she is, you will now get to see the real her each time you talk or visit.  Sounds like she is "done" with the using, at least to me it does.   Sounds like she is taking responsiblity and wants help and thats a very good sign.

[debsally]

Mangee, thank you.  thank you. thank you.  

I just got off the phone with her and she said she is where she needs to be and she is sober and lucid and she is going to fight for herself and get all this straightenend out and she is going to do it from jail and she knows this is how it is suppose to be to keep her clean.  She is very strong and brave and really wants to get this all taken care of so when it is finished, we will have a real life together.

The time apart will be hard, but I support her and I know she is doing the right thing.  She will be gone, maybe for a few months in maximum security 22 hour lock down.  She said she is strong and needs to do this for herself.  So that is it.  

Still a little in shock so maybe I can talk more tomorrow.

Love you all

Debbie

[Mangee]

Go with your gut on this. You have put up defenses of the,"In case," kind and you are willing to take whatever comes in order to help her. This is the mark of a solid human being. She is extremely lucky to have someone who will take the bumps and whatever comes along with her. As you say, "She has to do this on her own." This does not mean that you can't walk along with her to help her stay upright when she stumbles a little. Everyone of us who have walked the walk have needed support at times but inevitably we had to carry the weight to to end. Just let her know you are there especially when she hits the low points. Part of the struggle is helped by the thought that someone cares. I am pulling for both of you. Stay the course and keep the faith.

[worried878]

she is in my prayers...will she get out of jail soon or is she out yet?

[debsally]

Thank you so much for the support.  There is no way to get her out.  She has to face this on her own.  The last time she got in trouble was 25 years ago.  She went into rehab and then worked in rehab for 10 years and then worked in the medical field as a respiratory therapist.  She has had long bouts of sobriety so I know it is possible.  She has great support with me and her therapist.  She has to do this on her own.  All I can do is be a good friend and partner.  I have set boundaries to protect myself and not get back into enabling.  

TZT, to answer your question, if she starts using again....I guess I don't really know.  I dont want to leave her.  I know she can do this.  I am willing to stick it out.  I feel stronger than I did because I have taken steps to protect and take care of myself.  I have been able to emotionally separate and have really embraced that this is not about me.  It affects me, but it is not about me.  Whenever I start to feel weak I remember..."I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it."  What I can do is be a loving and supportive partner and friend, and most importantly take care of myself and my kids.  

I know it seems that our whole relationship is about this addiction, but it is not.  Addiction seems to take the driver seat sometimes but not all the time.  So I am learning to really enjoy the good times and enjoy our realtionship and enjoy being her partner.  There are so many good things about her and us that....I gotta tell you people....she is totally worth it.  

So I will hang in there and if she starts to use...I will utilize my resources, protect myself and set my boundaries and stick by her believing that she will get it, see her value as a human being and choose to live...really live her life with me, sober.

That is the plan.  Thank you so much for your kind words, prayers and support.  You all mean a great deal to me.  I love what you said, Lizzie..."wouldnt it be wonderful "IF" we could just love them sober?"  That is great.  It would be wonderful but the reality is...they have to love themselves sober!!!

I'll be around and give you updates.  I am hoping she will call tonight.  She is going to court today and I am at work, taking care of myself like a good girl.

Love you all,

Debs
xxx

[dove3053]

Debbie,

I know this must be hard on you with her in jail. She could just as easily be dead. She could just as easily have killed someone in the other car and be facing some prison time. All in All she is lucky  not be in a worse situation. Everyday people like her go to jail and have to get clean that way. Lets hope when she gets out she will be able to stay clean.

Take care,

Dove

[Clamity2]

My friend has been in jail for several weeks detoxing from a big oxy habit. He has been transported to the hospital for panic attacks that he convinced the guards were heart attacks. But the hospital keeps sending him back to jail. He had custody of 3 young children when he sold some oxy to a guy 3 times with a wire on him.  This is his first offense. I hope he figures out that oxy is destroying his life.

[LIZZIE LOU]

so sorry :(

i dont know the circumstances surrounding her arrest...but...if she so happens to be able to bail out...please think long and hard about doing that.  she is in a safe place...believe it or not...and the longer she is there...the longer she is clean (hopefully...drugs CAN be gotten in jail too).  the longer she is there...the longer she has to reflect on her life and where it has gone.

i totally agree with tzt in that she has to have a life plan set into place "while" she is there...not after she gets out.  if she will start the meetings there...she might feel more comfortable going later on.  

wouldnt it be wonderful "IF" we could just love them sober?

[tztlady]

Wow!   That is too bad that it had to take jail to get her clean but I think you are right in hoping that this will force her to really clean out her system to think about what she really wants to do with her life.   Sometimes we cant see the forest for the trees, whe we have our brains full of drugs.  it is difficult.   This will give her a chance to detox and perhaps reevaluate what is going on, what has been going on for some time.

It is my hopes and prayer that she will make the right choice and stay off the soma.  We wouldwelcome her to the site if she would liek to join.    You are a strong and brave woman and have really stayed the course with her.   What will you do if she gets out and uses again?   Sorry to say this but that is what will happen if she does not get in to some type of aftercare.   I know that in jail they have 12 step meetings.   Maybe encourage her to go and get real honest.   We have to look past the differences between prescript drugs and street drugs, get down to the end result, which is basically the same.

Best to you both
tzt