Oh my God, what now????

[debsally]

Sally and I took my son to his diabetes doc this morning and then we went out to lunch.  I noticed at lunch, she started to have those symptoms....hands shaking a little and slowing down and rubbing her face....all those symptoms she would have on the soma and I thought that I am just crazy or parinoid.  Then she started driving funny taking me to work and by the time we got to my work and I looked into her eyes, I could see it.  So I said something to her and she got out of the car.

When I looked right into her eyes, face to face, (still feeling a little crazy), I said she lookes like when she used to take the soma and her face just dropped.  I asked her if she took some and she said yes and that she was going to talk to me about it last night but I was too tired, so she figured she would talk to me about it today.  I asked her if she picked up an rx and she said yes.

So we are standing in the parking lot of my work and I am looking at her and feeling like all we just went through meant nothing.  She even told me the other night after reading more from this site and more that I wrote that she never wants to take soma again and that it is poison and she cannot take it.  I reminded her of it and told her to flush it, that I am not going to change my mind.  She said she wants me to hold it so she can take it prn.  Bullshyt!!!!!!!!!  I am totally in shock and have no idea where to go.  I told her if she gave them to me to hold, I will flush them down the toilet and the last thing I told her was she needs to flush them.

Oh you guys....help me.  I am so sad and hurt and disappointed.  I feel betrayed.  I need advise.

Please, I need you.  This is totally unfamiliar territory for me.

Love,

Debbie

[tzt2lady]

You really put in out there like it needed to be laid out.    Deb, I believe what she said too, sweetie, and you know we love ya lots, right?   But addicts are addicts and we all have loved just as deeply as you and Sal and we all have lied (overtly or by omission) to those we love most.

All is not lost, like I said before.    I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.

Darn, I wish there were an inpatient facility for her to go to and that the insurance was there.
You would think with all the supposed strides we have made toward equal rights, you two would be able to be married and have a frickin' health plan.  

Keep the faith, babe!
tzt

[shelby74]

Hi sweetie,

I am a little late in posting but I just read this.  What more can I say that what our friends have said?  Just know that we are here for you.  

I have relapsed so many times, it is not even funny.  I know for one that I cannot do it without outside help.  Everything I have tried on my own has failed.  I am not looking for sympathy. lol  I just wanted to tell you that so you can get Sally help (I am not sure if you have tried that yet?).

And if I could give you one little look into an addicts mind...we always lie when we are using.  I am not trying to upset you and this has nothing to do with your relationship with Sally.  We lie for our addiction.  Please never take an addict at their word unless they are not actively using.  I have lied my pants off just to use.  Just becareful hun.  I am not saying she is lying about everything either, just wanted to give you the heads up so you can help her.

luv ya,

shel

[hopeless]

Love your postitive attitude! I am glad you have faith in her, i know it is hard sometimes to see, and believe if she is or is not using. You are right she will fall, we all do! I believe also that she truely does want to quit, it is so hard to do, as you can see! It can't happen over night, (wish it could) Lol..

Anyway, you keep doing what you are doing, and keep the hope and faith that you have! Just remember, that us addicts will lie, and do what we have to even though we know we are hurting the ones who love us. We don't mean to, and don't want to, but it is just that small part of our brain that make us do those crazy things. We try to convince ourselves that we NEED that stupid pill, and cause of that, we lie to the ones that are trying to help us. I love my hubby more than ever, but i did lie to him so many times, told him i wasn't using when i was, and told him i wanted to quit so bad, and would lay there and cry while he was holding me and would look into his eyes saying, "I am not using anymore, and say all the things i knew he wanted to hear. When all along i knew in my heart it was all a lie. Just keep that in the back of your mind, ok?

You will grow old with her, and you keep having that faith that you do and it will all work out just fine. She can do this, it does sound like she really does want to quit, just be patient and do what your heart tells you to do and you will find yourself sitting on a porch swing overlooking the beach, wrinkles and all...Lol.

Time for this old bitty to turn in, my eyes are getting heavier and heavier. I will be here tomorrow evening, so hope to talk to you then. I promise "NO more preaching from me" Just care about you 2 so much and want to see her over come this is all. You are so wonderful, and i really do admire and inspire you for everything that you are doing for the one you love. Keep the faith girl, it'll work out, i promise!

Good night,
Love u back,
Hopey

[debsally]

I know there is still victory.  I know she can do it.  I know she wants too, maybe not bad enough last night or today, but the desire is there and I will NEVER loose hope.  I really think the desire is there, too.  I know it is hard and I know she will fall, but I am thinking of the long term.  I, too, want to get old with her.  I can see us now on a porch swing overlooking the beach in San Diego, two, old, wrinkled women holding hands, watching the sunset.....well, that is my hope and I WILL FIGHT FOR IT...I WILL NOT GIVE UP HOPE.

Thank you ladies.  No guilt, no shame.  I believe.

Love you all,

Debs

[hopeless]

One more thing, sorry...

If you do look into some inpatient rehabs, and agree that she needs to go, PLEASE don't feel guilty about it. I know alot of people feel guilty and bad for sending their loved ones away for help. You need to look at it this way, you are doing this cause you care and love her. If you didn't care and love her, then you would just sit back and do nothing, right? So please don't ever make youself for like you are a bad person if this is the route you and her decide to go. We do what we can and have to do for the ones we love. Taking that first step is hard, but like i said "GIRL YOU WILL BE SO GRATEFUL THAT YOU DID, IN THE END". Let's get the Sal back to the "REAL" her again...

Just wanted to share that with you.

Okay, i will shut up now! I just worry about you...and her...

Hope

[tzt2lady]

The victory is in knowing it can be done.    She did it for a little while.     Deb, most of us dont get it right the first time or two or more.......please, babe, dont lose hope.     She will only do it if she has the desire.  Lets pray it is there.   I think it is.

luv ya,
tzt

[debsally]

I will take this all in and get back to you tomorrow.  Please....I am going to talk to her when I get home and will see what comes of it.  I have to give her a chance to make this right.  She just picked them up last night and she only took 3 today.  I will tell her I want them flushed and see what happens.  I am sticking to my guns on this.  

Wish me luck.  I'll let you know.

Love you and appreciate you all!!!!

Debs

[hopeless]

Everything Cathy said, i agree with! I know it's hard to hear, but sadly it is the truth! Take those words and do what you can for the love of your life, do it before it is too late! You and Sal deserve to live a long and healthy life together. This is what i told my hubby, i said " I want to grow old with you, and sit on the front porch on our rockers when we are 80". I had to make the choice to quit, so i can  do that. Don't get me wrong, damm...I would kill for just one more pill! I miss that feeling, but would rather live to see my son grow up and be able to sit on that front porch when i am 80 with my hubby on those rockers...Ok, actually just want to chase him around with my cane, and smack him a few times, and watch his teeth fall out! I am soooooooooooooooooooo looking forward to those days. LOL...

Like Cathy said, if it sounds to good to be true, then it prob. is! Maybe look around for some in patient rehabs, i know it sucks sending our loved ones away, but dang girl, just think when she comes home she will be CLEAN and HEALTHY. I think that is the best, and only way that she will ever overcome this addiction. Sorry, know you don't want to have to go that route, but it is for the best. She needs inside help now, they are professionals and will care for her, she will be in good hands. The best part is, is that you won't have to see her suffer while detoxing. You can look forward to her homecoming and work on the rest of your lives together. Please, look into this (for her sake). You will be so glad you did when it is all over.

Wuvs you girl,
Hopey

[debsally]

Thanks for being you!!!  I wont be mad at you for telling me how it is.  No worries.  I really appreciate your support and your honesty.  I know and hear where you are coming from, but in my experience over a year and a half with this woman, she always comes to me and tells me the truth and I have faith that she will continue even though it is scary and she does have to continually have to KEEP my trust...well, if I am nuts then oh well.  You know I love this woman, Cat, and I cant help but to keep believing in her.  I have said it before and I will say it again, she is totally worth it and besides this issue, I have the most amazing relationship that is more wonderful than I could ever imagined.

Keep me in your prayers though because I do and will need to be strong.

I'll be as tough as I can!!!!!  Of course, with love.

Deb

[lonote]

I've been keeping up a little bit, theres always so much to read, but last week when i heard she was cleaning up, it sounded to me like the story wasn't over. And I'm so sorry your on the shyt end of this.. We addicts are also on the shyt end but it is by choice. If it sounds to good to be true, than
it probably is. From now on , this will be hard for you cause of the type of woman you are, soft ,loving and beleiving. I suggest you act as if everything she tells you pertaining to her addiction, is a flat out lie. and put up a wall to protect from being hurt. It may distance and disturb your relationship, but is allready is disturbed by sal's soma usage. Sorry Sal, I'm playing the devils advocate. Sal, you need to prove yourself to deb and earn any trust you get. Deb if you continue to believe everything she tells you, (I love ya girlfriend and in all due respect) your nuts. She's got to earn your trust. And right now you have nothing to go on. I'm sorry to be harsh, but thats how I see it. Don't be mad at  me I don't pussyfoot around it. She's no different than any other addict. And she's telling you what you want to hear..Sorry Sal, don't mean to blow your cover sweetheart. We've all made promices with good intenions. Deb's a good woman. Hit up a womans meeting. You can do it. It won't be a picnic, but theres a more intimate support being in person with other addicts.
Deb, toughen up.                 Cathy

[hopeless]

Sorry, don't mean to make you cry...Lol

When my sister came on here that day, and told you all of what happend to me, sometimes she can over exagurate. Yes i was very very sick, and am lucky to be alive, but she made it sound like i was dying...I just wanted to clear that up with you and everyone else. She takes things to extreme sometimes. Ok, now that i got that out of the way, Thank you for keeping my family in your prayers.

My dad and me had a very long talk yesterday, a heart to heart...i was crying he had tears in his eyes, but it meant alot. The time is coming, and he knows it. He told me he can feel it and they say when that happens it isn't much longer. My mom is hanging in there everyday. She goes to work everyday, and tries to keep busy. She is a WONDERFUL mom, and i love her to death.

I hope Sally will beat this thing, i know she can do it! Just keep working with her, tough love baby all the way!!!

I mean it when i say, if you ever need anything, please just ask me! I will always be here for you for anything you ever need.

You are the most kind person and have the biggest heart out of anyone i have ever known.

Luv u,
Hopey

[debsally]

Thank you for being straight and tough with me.  I need it.  I know it is because of where you have come from.  Everytime you post, you make me cry.  Your words are so true and full of passion.  You are an amazing person and I so admire you.  I don't want to live without her in my life so I will be tough and when she gets mad I will tell her to read your words.  Thanks for your support, so much.  I will never be able to express how much of a difference your testimony has made in my life.  Remember, I first started on here when you went into the hospital and your sister was telling us that they didn't know if you were going to make it out alive.  So words cannot express how blessed I feel that you are here, that you are so passionate and that you are in my life.

Sorry about your cousin.  I will keep you and her family in my prayers.  I cannot imagine that kind of loss at that age.  

You know i luvs you to!!!!

I am here for you too, girl.  How is dad and mom???
love,

Debs

[hopeless]

Deb, i am so sorry to hear this. The other day you posted and were so happy, i also figured that it was too soon. She can/will tell you anything, but deep inside her, she is NOT ready to quit yet. She can sit and say she is time and time again, but for her to go get her script filled just goes to show you that she is not going to do this. I also feels that the only true way for her to overcome this addiction is to have her put in a rehab center. When you said that she told you she only got it filled so she can use it "ONCE IN AWHILE", this is what we all say. It will NOT work! You either have to just up and quit completey, or it can't be done! I am sorry i am saying all this to you, but you need to know the truth. I am an addict, and i know how our minds work.

You need to stay strong, and be tough on her. The tough love thing does work. Don't feel bad, and don't give in to her. If she don't want to flush them, then if it were me, i would just take them myself and do it. She will be miserable for 10 days or so, but you know what, she WILL get over it!!!

I am here for you, for anything you need! My heart is breaking to hear this but please know that this is possible, and a person can do anything in life that they set their minds to. Life is NOT easy, and we get tested alot in our lifetime, but we need to deal with it. Like i said, it'll be rough the first 10 days or so, as you already know, but she needs to do this. She is too young to die, and too young to live her life like she is. I would rather be miserable and sick for 10, 20, or even 60 days than to continue taking and die.

It took me a long long time to learn all this, and i needed the boot up my azz more than a few times to make me realize just what i was doing to myself and the ones who loved me.

I just came from a funeral home, my cousin died Tuesday morning, age 31, she left behind a 12 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. Well her 12 year old son is taking this so damm hard, it is the saddest thing i ever seen. He was leaning in her casket crying his little eyes out. When i seen this today, i sat there and thought to myself, "If i wouldn't have got my addiction under control, that could have been my little boy crying at my funeral" I'll tell you what, this opened my eyes so greatly today. I can't have my son coming to my funeral when i am so young and have a whole lifetime ahead of me. Especially when i have control over the addiction.

This is hard, trust me i totally understand! Been through it all time and time again. Please don't take anything i said the wrong way, i just care so much about you and her. I also know this is beatable! You need to give her that kick in the azz like everyone gave me. Flush them pills, get rid of them. She might get mad, but oh well...You are doing this to save her life, just keep telling yourself that. What would happen if you don't get rid of the pills or get her in a rehab, and one morning you wake up and find her dead? Then i bet you wish you would have flushed or looked into rehab, right? So please Deb, do this for her. Let her get mad, just know you are saving her life...

You know i luvs ya, right? (ya better, lol)

I am here for you, you need anything, ok?

Hopey

[TimH2]

Thanks so much for your kind words. :) Just a simple sentence can make you feel better and I do. I know how awful addiction is and I am praying for you. You are not alone and will find a lot of support here. Keep on posting and we will help you through this. Do you have a plan to quit? Try not to be scared or frightened. It is not a picnic, but you can get through this. You have already made the first steps by posting on the forum. Give me a holler anytime and I will answer as soon as I can. Hang in their my friend and know you are not alone.

God Bless,
Tim

[debsally]

I was afraid too, but I couldn't not say something and I was trying so hard to be gentle but firm. I didn't want to say something I would regret.  Thank you for being with me.  Thank you for understanding.  I too have learned so much being here which it why I came straight to this site as soon as I could.  It is hard, but she is worth it.  Iknow that for sure.  Thanks again, deb.

love,

deb

[littldeb]

I believe, I too was in the position that you are in and there has been at least two occasions when my husband seemed "high" with that look of nothing but pupils in his eyes.  I can relate to how you are feeling.  I got angry but tried ignoring it.....I know it's probably not the thing to do, but I didn't trust myself at the time to say anything.  I was afraid of saying something I would regret.  I don't have any real advice for you because I don't understand the addiction as well as those that have been there, but I do know how your feeling and it's painful.  Just hang in there and know that your not alone. I search these posts day after day to try to understand this better and have learned a lot, but the pain of seeing someone you love hurt themself is very hard to deal with, but it just takes time it seems.
take care,
deb

[TimH2]

((((((((((((((((((((((((debs))))))))))))))))))))))  I am praying for you my friend and it will work out. Just be a little more agressive with her on the soma. She loves you and love will win out!!! I am not saying to let her go at all, but let her know that this is going to STOP now. She has her other pain meds and doesn't need the soma. Scare her about them.....they can stop your heart (muscle relaxer) as it is our most important muscle.

Thanks for the kind words sweetheart.

Love to ya,
Tim

[debsally]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((TIM)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much.  You really are a God-send.  It is so not a mistake that you are back just when I needed to hear from you.  I know God is speaking to my heart through you and I know everything is going to be okay.  Thanks, man and I will be strong.  I love her too much to let this go and I can't and won't let her go either.  What we have is too precious and the Soma will NOT win.

From my heart,

Debs

P.S. Thank you everyone for your advice and comments.  I will take everything you have to say to heart.  I appreciate each one of you and your opinions.  It helps to hear different perspectives.

[TimH2]

You are in this together and she has to contribute. When she is using I would just ignore her. I know this will be hard for you. Love will see you through this!  She is already being sneaky and isn't going to stop until she commits to recovery. You have to be strong darlin and tell her NO MORE!!!!  Tell her this isn't negotiable and see what happens. I know you will do this in a kind sensitive way. She knows you love her and right now she is probably feeling terrible. I want you to think of how you are feeling right now. The pills should go right down the toilet tonight!!!!

(((((((((((((((((Debs)))))))))))))))))))

Love out to ya,
Tim

[oxypen]

Tim,
I have been reading tehse posts for about a week now and i think its awesome that you know so many people and take the time to answer so many messages with such good advice.  I wish there were moe people like you in this world.  Where i live, it's just the scum of the earth (and me, of course) that get hooked on drugs.  I do not know another person other than dealers that are in the trouble that I am in.  I have never been so scared in all of my life.  I've dealt with addiction before but this oxy addiction has been a total nightmare.

[avisg]

I know you must feel so hurt right now . This is going to be a long road hun... She just needs to dust herself off and try again . Remind her how good thing were last week when she was back to her old soma free sally ,stick to your guns !!!!!  ((((((((((((((((deb))))))))))))))))))

[debsally]

thank you.  i am scared because we have such honest and good communication, i am afraid if i am too rigid it will drive her to be sneaky.  i know being sneaky is her choice, but i really feel like we are in this together.  is that wrong?

i feel like i put just as much effort in this (obviously in a different way) than she did.  tell me i'm not crazy?????

[TimH2]

It is exactly what I mean sweetheart. I think that is a very good start and stick to your guns. She does not want to lose you and will probably get help. It is going to be hard for you, but I know you two will make it through. You have to do this in your own way and what makes you feel comfortable. She has to want this bad.  I am praying for you both.

Tim

[debsally]

she just called and told me she picked it up because she wanted to get high. so at least she is being honest.  she also promised me that she wont use it every day and that she only wants it for once in a while.  i stuck to my guns, you guys.  i told her i dont want it in our house or in her posetion or in my posetion. i told her again to flush them and taking the soma once in a while would be like smoking pcp once in a while.  it wont work.  i told her to get on here and talk or call her therapist or our doc and really search her heart.  i told her she is right back in the pool of denial.  i told her it will basically take a miracle to change my mind.  

this is what you mean by tough love right, tim?????

debs