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Losing All Hope (Doctor Shopping)
At this point, I am starting to lose all hope that I will be given probation. I have not heard what the official charges are yet because I have not been given the date when the grand jury will meet. For those who haven't read any of my previous posts, I was arrested about a month ago for doctor shopping for Ambien and hydrocodone. I saw a lot of doctors, so I will be facing several counts.
I have been researching other cases for the past two days. I had promised myself that I would stay off of the internet, but I have gone nuts typing away and searching everything regarding doctor shopping that one could imagine. I have seen a woman who got 5 years probation. Another got two years. A man who received three years in jail withheld five years probation which I don't understand at all. Does that mean if he completed his probation, he won't have to go to jail for three years? And needless to say, I am absolutely terrified. I am finding it hard to see how I am going to take care of my children and go to work like everything is OK when everything is so not OK.
At first, I was thinking that since I had no previous record, I would be a good candidate for probation or deferred adjudication. Now, I am imagining things I can accomplish in prison because I am pretty sure that is where I am headed. I have never so much as not paid a traffic ticket. I am a teacher, so I have always given back to my community although I think this will work against me in the end. It would make for a good news article to have the teacher locked up for doctor shopping.
I have two babies that will be one year old on Wednesday. Losing them is my biggest fear. I don't know if a judge will take into consideration how it will affect them if I go to jail. That is all I am thinking about at this point. I know I will have to find another career. I know I will most likely lost my house. I just don't want to lost my kids. They are so little. i don't want them to suffer just because their mother is an addict.
I can tell you one thing I do know: I will never ever ever ever use another drug in my entire life. I will never use again. I know that for certain. Hitting bottom has taught me that. This was my bottom. I will never tough another illegal substance. It is really sad that it took me going through this to figure it out, but I know now what drugs can do to your life. If nothing else, I hope my story reaches someone who is making the wrong choices and changes their mind. Addicts end up in prison, in institutions or dead. That is it. There is no other path when you are actively using. Know that. You must stop now, or there will be grave consequences. You won't get away with it. No one does. You may have thought that the only consequence was withdrawal. There are much larger consequences awaiting you if you continue to use. I had several chances to get sober. I thought I was never going to get caught. I had multiple chances to change my life. But I thought I had it all worked out, and now here I am facing hard time for my actions.
If anyone out there had faced what I am facing and has any advice, please comment below. Do any of you think I have a chance at getting probation, or am I doomed?
I have been researching other cases for the past two days. I had promised myself that I would stay off of the internet, but I have gone nuts typing away and searching everything regarding doctor shopping that one could imagine. I have seen a woman who got 5 years probation. Another got two years. A man who received three years in jail withheld five years probation which I don't understand at all. Does that mean if he completed his probation, he won't have to go to jail for three years? And needless to say, I am absolutely terrified. I am finding it hard to see how I am going to take care of my children and go to work like everything is OK when everything is so not OK.
At first, I was thinking that since I had no previous record, I would be a good candidate for probation or deferred adjudication. Now, I am imagining things I can accomplish in prison because I am pretty sure that is where I am headed. I have never so much as not paid a traffic ticket. I am a teacher, so I have always given back to my community although I think this will work against me in the end. It would make for a good news article to have the teacher locked up for doctor shopping.
I have two babies that will be one year old on Wednesday. Losing them is my biggest fear. I don't know if a judge will take into consideration how it will affect them if I go to jail. That is all I am thinking about at this point. I know I will have to find another career. I know I will most likely lost my house. I just don't want to lost my kids. They are so little. i don't want them to suffer just because their mother is an addict.
I can tell you one thing I do know: I will never ever ever ever use another drug in my entire life. I will never use again. I know that for certain. Hitting bottom has taught me that. This was my bottom. I will never tough another illegal substance. It is really sad that it took me going through this to figure it out, but I know now what drugs can do to your life. If nothing else, I hope my story reaches someone who is making the wrong choices and changes their mind. Addicts end up in prison, in institutions or dead. That is it. There is no other path when you are actively using. Know that. You must stop now, or there will be grave consequences. You won't get away with it. No one does. You may have thought that the only consequence was withdrawal. There are much larger consequences awaiting you if you continue to use. I had several chances to get sober. I thought I was never going to get caught. I had multiple chances to change my life. But I thought I had it all worked out, and now here I am facing hard time for my actions.
If anyone out there had faced what I am facing and has any advice, please comment below. Do any of you think I have a chance at getting probation, or am I doomed?
Hey there....just spent the last hour reading this thread...WOW. I'm sorry your dealing with all this...maybe I can give you a little hope.
Way up top you said this :
"Texas, it is a felony. Level 3, I believe. It was fraud possession of a controlled substance class 3/4. "
In Texas there are 4 degrees of felonies...1st degree being the worst and 4th degree being the lesser of them all. Hydrocodone was a class 3 drug when you were charged which is why its a 3rd degree felony. Texas law mandates this:
(1) a felony of the second degree if the controlled substance that is the subject of the offense is listed in Schedule I or II;
(2) a felony of the third degree if the controlled substance that is the subject of the offense is listed in Schedule III or IV; and
(3) a Class A misdemeanor if the controlled substance that is the subject of the offense is listed in Schedule V.
So you have a 3rd degree felony charge however you stated you have no prior convictions. That's VERY good. Above you said:
"A man who received three years in jail withheld five years probation which I don't understand at all. Does that mean if he completed his probation, he won't have to go to jail for three years?"
What you are referring to is called a "joint suspension" or "suspended sentence". These are often used in cases like yours. Drug cases with no prior records. What happens is, the judge will sentence you to...lets say 3 years probation with a 2 year joint suspension. (Those are made up numbers...just an example of how it works.) So you dont do any jail time. You are out on probation however if you violate for any reason...you are sent to prison to serve the suspended 2 year sentence.
In my opinion...that is your worst case scenario. You bonded out for 5 thousand dollars. That right there speaks depths! They dont let someone out on 5k bond that's facing prison time. If they are really serious about sending you to prison, it would be a lot higher. Personally, I think you get a program and probation. State judges have discretion in sentencing...not mandatory minimums like Federal Prison. If you were charged Federally....it would be a different story.
"Do any of you think I have a chance at getting probation, or am I doomed?"
You are not doomed at all. You will come out of this alright. You have gotten great advice from the lovely ladies above. I wish IBK lived near you to give you that face to face support you need. Your in a bad place and I feel for you. I really do...but dont let your worry consume you. Worrying is a waste of imagination. I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through...just give you hope.
Your not a habitual criminal...you sound like someone who just got caught up in addiction. Your gonna be alright. Take a deep breath and try to ¯\(ツ)/¯
Way up top you said this :
"Texas, it is a felony. Level 3, I believe. It was fraud possession of a controlled substance class 3/4. "
In Texas there are 4 degrees of felonies...1st degree being the worst and 4th degree being the lesser of them all. Hydrocodone was a class 3 drug when you were charged which is why its a 3rd degree felony. Texas law mandates this:
(1) a felony of the second degree if the controlled substance that is the subject of the offense is listed in Schedule I or II;
(2) a felony of the third degree if the controlled substance that is the subject of the offense is listed in Schedule III or IV; and
(3) a Class A misdemeanor if the controlled substance that is the subject of the offense is listed in Schedule V.
So you have a 3rd degree felony charge however you stated you have no prior convictions. That's VERY good. Above you said:
"A man who received three years in jail withheld five years probation which I don't understand at all. Does that mean if he completed his probation, he won't have to go to jail for three years?"
What you are referring to is called a "joint suspension" or "suspended sentence". These are often used in cases like yours. Drug cases with no prior records. What happens is, the judge will sentence you to...lets say 3 years probation with a 2 year joint suspension. (Those are made up numbers...just an example of how it works.) So you dont do any jail time. You are out on probation however if you violate for any reason...you are sent to prison to serve the suspended 2 year sentence.
In my opinion...that is your worst case scenario. You bonded out for 5 thousand dollars. That right there speaks depths! They dont let someone out on 5k bond that's facing prison time. If they are really serious about sending you to prison, it would be a lot higher. Personally, I think you get a program and probation. State judges have discretion in sentencing...not mandatory minimums like Federal Prison. If you were charged Federally....it would be a different story.
"Do any of you think I have a chance at getting probation, or am I doomed?"
You are not doomed at all. You will come out of this alright. You have gotten great advice from the lovely ladies above. I wish IBK lived near you to give you that face to face support you need. Your in a bad place and I feel for you. I really do...but dont let your worry consume you. Worrying is a waste of imagination. I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through...just give you hope.
Your not a habitual criminal...you sound like someone who just got caught up in addiction. Your gonna be alright. Take a deep breath and try to ¯\(ツ)/¯
hun I am sorry. I wondered if and you just confirmed that your husband has addiction issues also. it seems that he thinks he has his addiction all wrapped up with bows and that he can handle staying out with his guy friends.
he deserves to be out with his friends and continue his charades while you are a basket case at home and work by yourself. I don't think so. I am sorry but he sounds so selfish and full of himself. I would lay down the law. with him. tell him if he wants to keep using that is up to him but you need help with the kids and the finances so you can work your recovery program.
tell him to pull his load or leave the house. separation might be a good thing right now. you don't need him stressing you out.
do you attend church? is there someone from church who could help out with the kids while you attend a meeting or two?
don't stress about cleaning or cooking dinners. you eat what you want to and let your husband take care of himself.
do you have a friend who could help babysit?
you need some support and if you aren't getting if from your husband or your parents please try elsewhere.
you are doing great. just take each day as it comes. please try not to stress out. let the things go that don't matter right now.
you need time for yourself.
sending prayers, encouragement and peace,
Debbie
he deserves to be out with his friends and continue his charades while you are a basket case at home and work by yourself. I don't think so. I am sorry but he sounds so selfish and full of himself. I would lay down the law. with him. tell him if he wants to keep using that is up to him but you need help with the kids and the finances so you can work your recovery program.
tell him to pull his load or leave the house. separation might be a good thing right now. you don't need him stressing you out.
do you attend church? is there someone from church who could help out with the kids while you attend a meeting or two?
don't stress about cleaning or cooking dinners. you eat what you want to and let your husband take care of himself.
do you have a friend who could help babysit?
you need some support and if you aren't getting if from your husband or your parents please try elsewhere.
you are doing great. just take each day as it comes. please try not to stress out. let the things go that don't matter right now.
you need time for yourself.
sending prayers, encouragement and peace,
Debbie
COMMUNITY LEADER
That suxxxx! I never thought about when I was crossing city or parish lines when I was choosing what dr to go to?
And hey, there are alot of us women here that used those "mothers little helpers" to be able to get done what we had to get done in a day. I have 4 kids, a husband, work, cooking, cleaning, yard work, PTA, Booster Club, blah, blah, blah! Those hydros gave me like super human energy and I loved it, in the beginning! I think, as women and mothers, we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves as to what constitutes a good wife, a good mother? I remember bitching (on here no doubt) when I was detoxing that I didn't have enough energy to clean my house....and someone told me.....so what? Is anyone going to die b/c your house isn't spotless? And it finally dawned on me that i had to start making the time to make myself better. It's been a long time since I've actually done anything to keep MY sanity, to be nice to ME, to maybe put myself FIRST in my life. In doing this, I find that I have alot more to offer my family around me.
I think you'll be really suprised at the things you learn about yourself while putting more time between you and your doc. I've been clean now about 9 1/2 mths, and at 43 years old, I'm learning things about myself now that I never knew! It blows me away.
N/A has saved my life.....and your right...you do have alot to lose...but I will bank that if you work your program you'll gain those babies and will be able to drop the rest of that "dead weight"!!!!
And hey, there are alot of us women here that used those "mothers little helpers" to be able to get done what we had to get done in a day. I have 4 kids, a husband, work, cooking, cleaning, yard work, PTA, Booster Club, blah, blah, blah! Those hydros gave me like super human energy and I loved it, in the beginning! I think, as women and mothers, we put unrealistic expectations on ourselves as to what constitutes a good wife, a good mother? I remember bitching (on here no doubt) when I was detoxing that I didn't have enough energy to clean my house....and someone told me.....so what? Is anyone going to die b/c your house isn't spotless? And it finally dawned on me that i had to start making the time to make myself better. It's been a long time since I've actually done anything to keep MY sanity, to be nice to ME, to maybe put myself FIRST in my life. In doing this, I find that I have alot more to offer my family around me.
I think you'll be really suprised at the things you learn about yourself while putting more time between you and your doc. I've been clean now about 9 1/2 mths, and at 43 years old, I'm learning things about myself now that I never knew! It blows me away.
N/A has saved my life.....and your right...you do have alot to lose...but I will bank that if you work your program you'll gain those babies and will be able to drop the rest of that "dead weight"!!!!
I have been meaning to mention that I may very well be arrested and tried in the county next to the county I am already being tried in. So, basically I live right at the dividing line of the two counties. Although the doctors I saw were within a ten mile radius of one another, I somehow crossed counties with the pharmacies I used or the doctors.
So I could go through all of this to have to turn around and do it again in the neighboring county. Really. It happens all of the time.
So I could go through all of this to have to turn around and do it again in the neighboring county. Really. It happens all of the time.
No it is not the first time. My mother has always enabled me and at times given me oxy and hydros that she has from her pain doctor. My father just treats me like the black junkie sheep. My husband always knew and was very aware of the amount of Ambien I was taking, but he has addiction issues as well. Basically, it has always been one of those things where you know about it, but you don't dare talk about it.
My mom has tried on at least one occasion to tell me that I am not an addict. That I am just making a mountain out of a molehill. I guess she gets it now.
You hit the nail on the head about why I was taking all of there pills in the first place. Hydro has always given me extra energy. They didn't make me sleepy at all. I wanted that feeling all of the time, like super mom. But I've been addicted for a long time, so it wasn't just after the babies were born.
My mom has tried on at least one occasion to tell me that I am not an addict. That I am just making a mountain out of a molehill. I guess she gets it now.
You hit the nail on the head about why I was taking all of there pills in the first place. Hydro has always given me extra energy. They didn't make me sleepy at all. I wanted that feeling all of the time, like super mom. But I've been addicted for a long time, so it wasn't just after the babies were born.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Keep in mind....these judges see all manners of people every day. The know addiction is a disease and lots of people dr shop. There wouldnt be soooo many new laws on the books about dr shopping and pharmacies is this was an uncommen event.
And i have to agree....wtf with your husband only working 3hrs a day while u pull the majority of the weight? Then to have the nerve of being pissed off and non-supportive b/c of your actions? Constantly looking for the extra energy to work full time, take care of those babies, keep house, etc!!!! As far as your family is concerned, if i might ask, is this the first time your family is realizing that you have an addiction problem?
And i have to agree....wtf with your husband only working 3hrs a day while u pull the majority of the weight? Then to have the nerve of being pissed off and non-supportive b/c of your actions? Constantly looking for the extra energy to work full time, take care of those babies, keep house, etc!!!! As far as your family is concerned, if i might ask, is this the first time your family is realizing that you have an addiction problem?
I know addiction is a legitimate disease, but I don't think most people are that forgiving of it. I wish that they were. I want the judge to see me for who I am, not just someone who used drugs. If not for my disease, I would have never broken the law. I believe they are going to look at my crime as "sophisticated" because I made all of the appointments, so I was thinking about getting the drugs, and I worked hard to get them. But it was really not sophisticated at all. I was a junkie needing my fix. I went in to panic mode.
I did have to bond out. My bond was $5,000. So, we paid $500 to get me out. I had my bond in hand, so I was able to check in and check out quite quickly.
Addiction IS classified as a disease. A legitimate disease. That's why the courts are pretty forgiving of these charges and like to have people in rehab, IOP therapy, doing drug screens, etc...I seriously doubt you'll go to jail. I just can't imagine it! It's already obvious you're clean and trying. This is why you have an atty; to plead your case for you. Plus, it's a first offense and you weren't selling the stuff! If you were at risk for prison time, you would have already been in jail after your arrest and a bail would have been set. They didn't put you in jail. That whole process for you was pretty anticlimactic, right?
Listen to me. You are being waaaay too hard on yourself. I'm serious. All this self hate is unnecessary! I know you're getting it from your family and THEY are the ones who are handling this so poorly.
Your husband really pisses me off! He barely works and is hardly home. I'd tell him to get the hell out! He's not helping and you're floating the whole boat! Tell him to wise up! What's he going to do? Tell your parents the same thing! This makes me hot! I'm not kidding! Those people are breaking you!
Honey, you've got nothing to lose. Tell everyone how you feel and what you need and what you don't need! Make a damn doctor's appt and stop treating yourself like a serial killer! You need the medical support and at least an exam after the IUD episode. I'm serious.
Putting myself in your shoes, I would take a FMLA. I'd take the retirement money for security. You can always put it back or earn it back because you're young. And I would tell the whole family where the "bear pooped in the buckwheat"!!! If you toughen up a little, you can do this. Just stop feeling like such a loser! You're NOT! But everyone is sure making you feel horrible to the point where you're going to be crippled by paranoia!
Above all, listen to IBK. She is very sincere in everything she's saying to you.
You'll get through this, you really will. You just need a little propping up right now.
Listen to me. You are being waaaay too hard on yourself. I'm serious. All this self hate is unnecessary! I know you're getting it from your family and THEY are the ones who are handling this so poorly.
Your husband really pisses me off! He barely works and is hardly home. I'd tell him to get the hell out! He's not helping and you're floating the whole boat! Tell him to wise up! What's he going to do? Tell your parents the same thing! This makes me hot! I'm not kidding! Those people are breaking you!
Honey, you've got nothing to lose. Tell everyone how you feel and what you need and what you don't need! Make a damn doctor's appt and stop treating yourself like a serial killer! You need the medical support and at least an exam after the IUD episode. I'm serious.
Putting myself in your shoes, I would take a FMLA. I'd take the retirement money for security. You can always put it back or earn it back because you're young. And I would tell the whole family where the "bear pooped in the buckwheat"!!! If you toughen up a little, you can do this. Just stop feeling like such a loser! You're NOT! But everyone is sure making you feel horrible to the point where you're going to be crippled by paranoia!
Above all, listen to IBK. She is very sincere in everything she's saying to you.
You'll get through this, you really will. You just need a little propping up right now.
How long did you go to jail? Were all of the charges all at once? I am willing to bet you are a very nice person, and most of those charges stemmed from your addiction. I hate that addiction is not recognized as a disease that needs to be treated. I think the government needs to stop jailing addicts and start realizing that addicts need to be rehabilitated, not jailed. Jail is the last thing that will make a difference in my life. I am behind on my bills and kind of screwed all around. I need to keep working, not out of a career. That just means I will end up being another statistic. I will have to accept assistance, and I will probably never be able to support myself again.
Breathe. You are way too ahead of yourself. You are projecting things that probably will not happen. It is your first offense. Did you read that I went to jail 4 times honey...4 times. I was charged with possession, intent to sell in a prison, selling drugs in a school zone and some 5 more charges. I WAS FACING SEVEN YEARS. You need to calm down. I will repeat myself...THIS IS YOUR FIRST OFFENSE. And as bad as it is, it is not that bad. You have a job, you have a family. ALL OF THIS WILL BE TAKEN INTO CONSIDERATION. Breathe.. Stop reading on the internet. Hug your babies and go to bed. Post tomorrow. I want to know you are okay.
I am just going to keep writing until bed time. It is OK if no one reads it or comments. But I just need to keep talking. There is an online meeting that starts at 9. I am going to do that.
So this is how my day went yesterday. I was administering the PSAT to my students when I noticed that I was in a large amount of pain. I don't know how else to say this, so here it is: I had a very sharp terrible pain in my vagina. I could not figure out what was happening, and then it dawned on me that it was my IUD, Mirena. It was partially dislodged and piercing though the wall of my vagina. I cannot tell you how badly that hurt, but I am sure you could imagine.
I was terrified. I wasn't terrified because I was hurt. I was terrified that I would have to go to a doctor. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack just thinking about going to a gynecologist. I can't go back to mine because she was one of the doctors who gave me Ambien. Even if she didn't know I had been arrested, I am sure she knows that I was filling other scripts, and she probably doesn't want me to be her patient anymore, I couldn't face that.
So I went to the bathroom and pulled it out myself. That is how desperate I was to be out of pain and not call a doctor. I could not bring myself to see a physician. Last weekend, I had the worst case of strep throat that I have ever had, and I could not go see a doctor. I would have had to face one of the many urgent care places that I have shopped at. I just cannot face that. As far as I am concerned, I do not deserve medical care at this point. It terrifies me to even think about finding a regular GP. I know I am being watched my the DPS like a hawk. I truly feel, even though I was legitimately sick, that no doctor is going to treat me because of what I have done. So, I took expired antibiotics for the strep, and I removed my own IUD. That is how terrified I am.
If I tell anyone I think I need to see a doctor, they will all freak out and think I am trying to use. I don't know when I will ever feel like I can seek medical attention for anything ever again.
If I did not have the babies, I don't think I would be alive right now. My entire world has come crashing down. They are all I have left to live for. They are everything. I will make it through this because of them. If someone takes them away from me or takes me away from them, I don't know what I will do. They are my entire world. They need me as much as I need them. They do not need their mother in prison. Please tell me that no one will take me away from them or take them away from me. Please.
So this is how my day went yesterday. I was administering the PSAT to my students when I noticed that I was in a large amount of pain. I don't know how else to say this, so here it is: I had a very sharp terrible pain in my vagina. I could not figure out what was happening, and then it dawned on me that it was my IUD, Mirena. It was partially dislodged and piercing though the wall of my vagina. I cannot tell you how badly that hurt, but I am sure you could imagine.
I was terrified. I wasn't terrified because I was hurt. I was terrified that I would have to go to a doctor. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack just thinking about going to a gynecologist. I can't go back to mine because she was one of the doctors who gave me Ambien. Even if she didn't know I had been arrested, I am sure she knows that I was filling other scripts, and she probably doesn't want me to be her patient anymore, I couldn't face that.
So I went to the bathroom and pulled it out myself. That is how desperate I was to be out of pain and not call a doctor. I could not bring myself to see a physician. Last weekend, I had the worst case of strep throat that I have ever had, and I could not go see a doctor. I would have had to face one of the many urgent care places that I have shopped at. I just cannot face that. As far as I am concerned, I do not deserve medical care at this point. It terrifies me to even think about finding a regular GP. I know I am being watched my the DPS like a hawk. I truly feel, even though I was legitimately sick, that no doctor is going to treat me because of what I have done. So, I took expired antibiotics for the strep, and I removed my own IUD. That is how terrified I am.
If I tell anyone I think I need to see a doctor, they will all freak out and think I am trying to use. I don't know when I will ever feel like I can seek medical attention for anything ever again.
If I did not have the babies, I don't think I would be alive right now. My entire world has come crashing down. They are all I have left to live for. They are everything. I will make it through this because of them. If someone takes them away from me or takes me away from them, I don't know what I will do. They are my entire world. They need me as much as I need them. They do not need their mother in prison. Please tell me that no one will take me away from them or take them away from me. Please.
I am so scared that this is going to get so much worse before it ever gets better. I feel like what I did is equal to those women who have sex with their students? How could this be equal to that? IDK but I feel like it is. I would almost see that person getting probation before me. I looked up the inditements from last month. Almost all of them were for possession. But none were fraud possession. Just me. If y'all knew me in person, I'm certain you'd see that I'm a fairly benign person. I'm not a threat to society. I'm very productive. I really don't deserve this. I really don't.
You are so focused on everyone else and the one who needs focusing is you honey. I don't have your answer. We here are trying to give you options. Maybe one will click. We will keep talking anytime you need to. Someone is always here for you. It would hurt me to see you lose over trying to make someone else happy. The only person you need to please is YOU. Easy to say for me huh. Oh sweetie I wish I could reach out and grab you and stick you into treatment where you are safe and you can heal. But I can't do that so I am here to listen...
I am trying so hard to make everyone else happy right now. So hard. I keep trying to act like I am OK. I try to not bother anyone with all of this negativity. It is brewing inside of me all of the time, but I am trying to show everyone that I am not going to be a problem anymore. I will no longer disrupt everyone's lives.
What I really want is just to slow down, focus on getting better, feel the emotions that I need to feel and accept that. I could do that if I was able to be in a program on a consistent basis. I would be handling this all differently if I could just slow down and breath. But everyone is pushing me so hard to work, work, work. Don't show that anything is wrong. All anyone wants is for me to keep making money and not lose my house.
What I really want is just to slow down, focus on getting better, feel the emotions that I need to feel and accept that. I could do that if I was able to be in a program on a consistent basis. I would be handling this all differently if I could just slow down and breath. But everyone is pushing me so hard to work, work, work. Don't show that anything is wrong. All anyone wants is for me to keep making money and not lose my house.
Thank you so much for this. I feel unworthy of any help right now. My parents bailed me out and paid for an attorney. I feel very certain that if I sat them down and told them I needed more help, they would tell me to get over myself. My husband is very hurt by my actions, so I feel that I don't deserve his love anymore. I am trying so hard to keep it together for my babies. I don't want them to know anything is wrong. I would love to go out on FMLA. I am fairly certain I could do that with my addiction therapist signing off on it, but I wouldn't be able to be paid. I don't have any vacation days left. I used them with my daughter because she was pretty sick for a while earlier this year. If I don't make money, we will lose everything. I support us 100%. Our house would be gone. Hell, we can't even pay all of our bills as it is. My husband was never supposed to work part time. He was supposed to work full time in the evening and me full time in the days. But he decided that he wanted to just work about three hours a day, and I have not been able to get him to get another job. So without my check, we can't put food on the table. We are not on any kind of assistance that we could use in the meanwhile. I have money in my retirement, but I will need that when I get fired. I want so badly to take some time for myself. That one week in detox was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I talked as much as I could to my counselors. I felt, for the first time, understood. My family is very affluent. They are of the mind that people like the don't have addiction issues. How could they have raised such a trashy daughter? Literally, my mother called my behavior "low rent'". She asked me how she could have raised a daughter that has such a low rent side to her. I love my husband. I really do. I want to make it better and make him trust me again and love me again. I don't want him to give up on me, and I don't want to give up on him. We created the two most beautiful creatures in the world together.
And Yes, you are the ONLY people who I have right now. No one else gets it. No one but you guys and the people in the meetings. They get it. I need that right now. I need someone to tell me that they too have been arrested. That they too are an addict.And that they were fine in the end and didn't go to jail because they got sober. I am trying so hard against all odds. I really am. I cry fifty freaking times a day, but I am getting up, going to work, staying clean and taking care of my kids every day. I just need one hour a day to take care of myself. Just one hour. Please keep talking to me yall. Please.
And Yes, you are the ONLY people who I have right now. No one else gets it. No one but you guys and the people in the meetings. They get it. I need that right now. I need someone to tell me that they too have been arrested. That they too are an addict.And that they were fine in the end and didn't go to jail because they got sober. I am trying so hard against all odds. I really am. I cry fifty freaking times a day, but I am getting up, going to work, staying clean and taking care of my kids every day. I just need one hour a day to take care of myself. Just one hour. Please keep talking to me yall. Please.
Honey, if I were closer to you I would ask you to put the coffee on and I'de bring the donuts. I DO know you need someone in person..that is what I have been saying all along. I DO understand your situation. I was arrested 4 times in a matter of months and the last one I was facing 7 years in prison. Things work out if we do the right thing. But as we have been telling you and as Vicki just did..YOU HAVE TO GET Help. I love her suggestion about a family intervention for YOU. Please, please hang in there. We can't be there right now but we can be here. Keep talking until you can't no more.
One more thing: You WILL get through this...it WILL pass. So far, you're doing great! There are so many who would crash and burn under the strain of it all but you're holding on...Be proud of yourself for that and for your clean time!
I can just feel your frustration. You're surrounded by all these people but no one is supporting you. You're being squeezed so tightly you're about to explode! I know your parents hired a lawyer for you and that's a huge help but you need some support, too. I'm disappointed for you.
Do they realize what you're feeling? I'm worried about you, too. Very soon you're just going to go off on everyone...a person can only take so much...
I don't get the lack of support and attention. You need it, you didn't kill anyone and, you're right, millions of people do the exact same thing you did every day!
Is it possible for you to go on FMLA? I'm afraid if you don't get some time for yourself to help heal yourself you'll just implode. In the meantime, is it possible to get your family and husband together and explain how you're feeling? Like an intervention for them? You need them because the day is coming when they're going to be left out of your life because you're so angry! It can happen. You'll fight to get better and shut the door on THEM because they're making this an impossible situation for you.
There may be more to this that I can't see but this is what I'm seeing now. It's like you're totally alone and if you didn't have us here I don't know HOW you would cope. Do you have a close gf you can reach out to? You need a buddy...
Do they realize what you're feeling? I'm worried about you, too. Very soon you're just going to go off on everyone...a person can only take so much...
I don't get the lack of support and attention. You need it, you didn't kill anyone and, you're right, millions of people do the exact same thing you did every day!
Is it possible for you to go on FMLA? I'm afraid if you don't get some time for yourself to help heal yourself you'll just implode. In the meantime, is it possible to get your family and husband together and explain how you're feeling? Like an intervention for them? You need them because the day is coming when they're going to be left out of your life because you're so angry! It can happen. You'll fight to get better and shut the door on THEM because they're making this an impossible situation for you.
There may be more to this that I can't see but this is what I'm seeing now. It's like you're totally alone and if you didn't have us here I don't know HOW you would cope. Do you have a close gf you can reach out to? You need a buddy...
I had classes to teach. I post on my conference time and in between classes. Frankly, I have been to ever online NA meeting I could find. It is not the same as the actual in person meeting I have been to. I just want to have some time to start going regularly. If you have ever been in my position (in trouble with the law, have one year old twins, losing your husband, and newly clean), then you will understand that there is very little I can do about sinking. Yes, of course I am sinking. Who in their right mind would not be? I have never dealt with anything of this magnitude. Never. And to boot, I am dealing with it newly sober. I know that you are just trying to help. I get it. Thank you for that. But what I need right now is a real, live person to listen to me and actually talk back. Not over the computer. In person. I need a counselor or therapist or group to be able to have a conversation with. To tell me it will be OK and that I am doing the right things now, and that matters. When others posted above, they told me that it would be OK. That helped more than you could imagine. Just reading those words. This is probably the hardest thing I will ever go through including losing my parents.
Why is it the very minute I offer you a viable alternative you stop posting. Where did you go? Did you get my message?
Yes, I am being hard on you because I see someone who is struggling and who does not understand how far she is sinking. It's like I have my hand out and you holding it and boom..you let go. I will not give up on you..don't you give up on you. Please go to your messages and follow the link. There is help for you. There is hope for you.
Yes, I am being hard on you because I see someone who is struggling and who does not understand how far she is sinking. It's like I have my hand out and you holding it and boom..you let go. I will not give up on you..don't you give up on you. Please go to your messages and follow the link. There is help for you. There is hope for you.
My heart breaks for you honey. You are spiraling out of control and not in a good direction. You are in survival mode and never is not a good thing under your conditions. I am scared for you. I want to look a few things up and I will get back to you. In the meantime, do your self a favor. Start a new post on the Addiction substance Abuse side. Make the title about something pertaining to addiction. Use it to talk about your emotions, about recovery, etc. Don't talk about your court case there..it gets confusing and it is hard to follow. Leave all the court case stuff here. OK? I would like to see you over there. Hang in there. I have some ideas.
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