what to do with my wife

[knalan76]

I have been married to my wife for 9 yrs and with her of and on for 20yrs. We have two daughters 4 and 9. wife has been an addict of opiates since the birth of our 9 yr old. She has been on suboxine and some kind of adhd amphet meds for the last 4 yrs. Our marriage has been a living hell. The subs seem to be no better then the oxys. She is not the same women I married. I am at my wits end, I think I am still around because of our children. The Dr prescribing her suboxine seems to me at this point just another thug dealer. I have tried to work with her over the yrs on some kind of help but it is getting old and so are we. I could write a book I have tried to find the cure but I dont think now there is one. She doesnt seem to ever really care about anything,a career  kids, the bills, househould, sex, etc. She sleeps alot and I worry about the welfare of my kids while I am at work and there have been a couple times I have had to leave work when I felt she should be able to handle it. After all these yrs of this I think divorce is the answer for me but not my kids or her. Not sure what to do anymore.

[Elmijack15]

Talk to the doctor again and explain what are you living with and your concerns, is he aware of the way she is? After 4 years I cannot imagine why he would refuse to at least lower her dose to see if that helps and tell him you want him to start tapering her suboxone as she is not living, she's only existing at this time and that you fear for your childrens safety. You may have to look for a different doctor even if it's further away if this one doesn't get it. I agree with above, get legal advice and maybe she'll wake up. Doesn't seem like her family will be of any help to you, do you have family or friends you could stay at for a while? You need a different doctor fast or this will be your life from here on out and your children will be old enough soon enough to know what's going on. Both of your children have only known their mother on drugs as your oldest is 9 and so is her addiction. You'll be in my prayers I hope you find some help soon.

[selfinduced]

I can relate to you in more ways than you know. There are 2 choices that come to  mind. Since you are the breadwinner and responsible parent. Can your wife stay with a trusted friend till she works on getting off these? This is eating at you and should be, but you alone can not fix it. Don't give up on your wife, having said that.....she is in sinking ship. Do you jump off the boat to save your kids or stay on the boat in hopes to help your wife. Deep, I know. There has to be a compromise here.....hope others chime in. Good luck my friend.

[overopiates]

Im on my phone cant seem to look at any responses past what u wrote.U can basically get off opiates with little to no detox w/a21day,highly supervised taper.Of course there r tons of people who get and stay on subs or meth from dr or clinic and just stay on them as they r both considered something for pain relief&they r WAY HARDER&TAKE WAY LONGER2get off of than lortabs even oxycontin.Lortabs r technically supposed to b used short term(xanax too)but I know TONS of people who have gotten them(including myself for years).Dnt get child protective services n ur life thats dumb).It is a last resort.Get temp. full custody of ur kids asap.W/o her knowing,c a lawyer etc. be honest that u want primary custody and supervised visits for her because of her drug problem.if u text or email explain after u leave through email n detail because of her addiction,how u have tried so many times to help,she is always wasted,ur kids r not safe around her alone cause she is wasted all that and more.Save all emails for court.Im saying this to look out for ur kids safety and best interests.include that u have had to have people and urself come home when u were working cause of ur kids safety.

[knalan76]

Her suboxine is precribed to her for withdrawels from her prior addiction to oxycotin. I have talked to her doc and he says she absolutely needs them as well as Aterol for her adhd. He diagnosed her with thlat within the last for years. Her two sisters are addicts, her twin sister is really bad. Mymother in-law is raising sister in-laws kids and really in no position to help. Her brother is a drunk and addicted to meth. I am for the most part the sole income in my house and it is a struggle to make the house payment at times as well as the general bills so I have no place to go. its not that simple or I would have done that.  If she doesnt have her meds she is unpredictably out of line so I find myself hoping she takes her meds just so she is tolerable. I dont mind answering any question thrown my way in hopes of more insight to the very on going situation.

[selfinduced]

Hi Kn, Have you tried talking with her doc? Does she have pain that needs to be treated? Would her family help even though you said they also were addicts? Would you leaving temp. with kids wake her up? Sorry for all the question's, just running thru my mind what I would do.

[Elmijack15]

Wow thats sad, sounds like she doesn't want to stop then, being on those meds after 5 years of narcotics is a very long time and her addiction is still there, so it's definitely not a cure or she wouldn't be in the shape she's in. I have to agree with other posts on here, you are going to have to get tough and even tell her you will take the kids with you unless she goes to detox. It's been too many years, she will not be able to do this without medical as well as psychiatric care.
I really feel bad for you as well as for your family, she's wasted so many years already. You're a great man for sticking by her.

[knalan76]

there are places to detox but since she is precribed her pills by a doctor it is not a problem and she claims its the eventual cure. I really appreciate everyones advise and encouragement here I wish I would have found it sooner

[Elmijack15]

Are there any detox places that your wife can go to? Thats a horrible situation you're in, as well as for her and your children. It's gone on long enough, I would think an inpatient detox place would be best for her at this point.  Don't waste anymore time, 4 years is a long enough and it's not going to get better on it's own, as you've tried.  Best of luck to you!

[4adifferentlife]

My heart and prayers go out to you! This is a really heartbreaking situation as the husband of an addict cares more than the addict herself, but that is what this demon does, it takes over all our facalcties, reasoning and takes the place of all caring for anyone, sadly the ones who suffer the most are the ones who loves us the most.
There is only two ends to this (1) She has to chose to mo longer want this, cannot live like this. (2) Death... You alone cannot change her, if you believe in prayer, please pray or have someone to or have many too.. I was that wife, different drug, but the same demon. She needs her eyes opened and a glimpse of reality, if threatening separation and losing her kids, might just do it,. Dr Pill Pusher, sounds like everyone in our area, but one gets busted and two takes their place. You sound like a really great man, and I admire you much for caring about your family!! I wish you nothing but the best, and y'all are in my prayers! GOD Bless!

[knalan76]

There are a lot of people here in Juneau that are on this suboxine program from the only doctor of this kind in town, some of them like my wife have been on them for yrs as precribed by that doctor/councelor. Some people that I know sell there scripts for money to get other pills as medicaid pays the tab.  You say 21 days. So how does this guy get away with this if he is just a script writer for money. Who would I contact to report him? And this being a small town I would have some very angry people at me as well as my wife? I do love my wife and it ***** to watch what is going on with her. I dont want to give up on her but enough is enough.

[overopiates]

I didnt read the other responses but I will give u my opinion.Im over a yr clean myself&my husband has been a huge help.Im forever greatful to him.U have been there for her so much and have been trying to help her she doesnt want it she isnt ready.She is putting ur kids n danger as well.I would normally say dnt leave try to help but u have done that a bunch.U should secure a safe place for u and ur kids,file for custody(get a temporary one asap so they r with u not n danger with her.Even if u wont take her back if she cleans up hopefully not having her kids is motivation enough to get sober.U have tried and tried its time to put the kids first and u deserve to b happy.Oh and yes subs and methadone r just as bad if not worse than traditional opiates(unless used to get through w/d n at the most21days under a watchful dr.)subs and meth make people high nod out and r wasted if they r taking too much.

[knalan76]

Thank you for your words of support. We live in Juneau Alaska and there arent many options for alanon. She says she doesnt want to be like this. She says she is going to change but that is as empty as all the other things she says she is going to accomplish over the yrs. I have been to one aa meeting in my time and am not impressed. And I don t understand because I am not an addict in the world according to her. I am not perfect and at times I would drink to catch a break but that doesn t help so I rarely even do that. Her whole family and friends are addicts of some sort mostly drugs. Is there a time limit on how many yrs this docter will keep her on the suboxine? I think it is will power that will get you off of substance abuse, maybe I m wrong.

[knalan76]

Thank you for your words of support. We live in Juneau Alaska and there arent many options for alanon. She says she doesnt want to be like this. She says she is going to change but that is as empty as all the other things she says she is going to accomplish over the yrs. I have been to one aa meeting in my time and am not impressed. And I don t understand because I am not an addict in the world according to her. I am not perfect and at times I would drink to catch a break but that doesn t help so I rarely even do that. Her whole family and friends are addicts of some sort mostly drugs. Is there a time limit on how many yrs this docter will keep her on the suboxine? I think it is will power that will get you off of substance abuse, maybe I m wrong.

[kyle505]

First, and you know this, you have to be there for the kids - they take priority over you or your wife.
She needs professional help, but if she's unwilling, then there are a couple of hard ball (and possibly damaging) things you can do. If you believe that her doc is just a script writer then report him and have him investigated. And, this is the tough one, you may want to talk with someone in Child Protective Services, or look up the child endangerment laws for your state. There is exposure to possible harm or neglect while you're at work.
Maybe some type of legal intervention will push her in to getting help.
That's all I can think of. I'm sure someone else will be along soon to offer more help. Hang in there.  

[Sonrissa]

Hi there and welcome! I am so very sorry you are going through this! I give you a lot of credit for trying to stick with this for so long! It seems your wife has some serious issues and needs help and support!  Have you tried going to Alanon meetings to get some support for yourself? It can really help to talk to others that are in a similar situation as you! Does your wife realize she has a problem? Does she want any help? I know this is tough on you and your family! Others will come along that can offer you support and advice! Hang in there and really consider the Alanon meetings! You are not alone! Take care, and I wish you all the best!