3rd First Day

[hiskidd]

My third first day of quitting oxycotin CD was 3 days ago, on March 18.

I'm so mad at myself, and I feel that the WDs are pretty strong. I'm mad because I started to read some of the thread that was posted over Christmas. It's like I took all that "progress" and everyone's good advice and spit on it.

You guys were right, what started with 2 pills a week, ended up being at least one pill a day with only Saturday's with no pills. Now I'm paying for it.

I don't know what - if anything - will ever make the difference for me. I got all the way up to 40 days (20 of those being hell) and then messed it all up.

This time, I made sure all the remaining pills were flushed (I thought my last batch was, but there were some left over I had forgotten about), so now I'm operating off of 14-18 days of pills with only two days off in between. I'm really scared all over again.

I'm really sorry guys. David

[GMcp]

thats so good David! i dont know you but im proud of you, it is so hard but you can do it, i know eventually i will too :)

[hiskidd]

Hey guys. Just got home from running one errand that turned into two. I don't feel leap years better, but at least I got out. Drank a soy protein shake, and may try the treadmill again. I did it earlier, but didn't feel much better.

Praying for (as Laurel says) all my fellow addicts out there. :)

[GMcp]

hi,
im new to this posting, i just registered tho i read these all the time, i feel for you im going through the same thing, 8 years clean off of heroin, and then i got this disease that im prescribed perc's for and im back feelin like a junky again, i have no support as all my old friends are dead or i just dont speak to anymore since i got clean 8 years ago. ive been on these percs for 6 months and i want off! but theres no point because after my surgery's ill be back on them again, i think that the W/D from percs is harder than the heroin and the best thing that has been helping me when i run out is hot baths and alot of tea i know you probably think ya right! but when thats all you get to calm your self and stop the shakes and sweats its actually quite soothing, also i find drinking nyquil befor bed helps the dry cough (if you have that symptom) and the watery mouth it actually really helps. i know i added some of my issue in there, sorry, but i hope my advise helps you <3
i wish i had some advise too so i just wanted to be there 4 u

[hiskidd]

@Jimmy and @Cgirl, thank you both. Today didn't start much better, but at least it's day 4 instead of day 1. This time the physical WDs aren't the toughest, it's the mental and emotional. Those were tough the first go around too, it just seemed like so long before hope started to peer through.

I know much of this is a waiting game, and a lot of fatalistic internal reflection goes on. I just feel worthless. It's like I can't look in and find any good thing about be an any juncture in my memory. I don't say that to have my ego built up, I just wish I had been a consistent man my whole life. Not perfect, but not this either. It's a huge let down to my family and people around me.

Anyway, my back pain is what started this whole thing, and I can remember at that 30-40 day juncture it was becoming more manageable. I hope what I'm feeling now is rebound pain, and that I'm able to manage it again. Thanks.

[curlygirl2]

You can do it, think about how much better things will be for you in your life, the past is exactly that, in the past, and now you have the future without pills....hang in there.....there is a rainbow with lots of good stuff at the end.....take care, and rest if you can.....journal in a notepad, it might help get your feelings and frustrations out....

[Jimmy1975]

Hey bro don't be so hard on yourself . I don't think a one of us can say we stopped the first time and didn't relapse ! I have been here since July of 2007 ! Read my journey to this point and I think you'll see you're not alone my friend . We are all here to help not judge and judge you we will not ! Take care Jimmy

[hiskidd]

Man, I feel hopeless. Praying and crying...

[hiskidd]

And it is the stresses. Sometimes I just need energy. Sometimes I just want to be numb from the stress. Sometimes it's pure pain that I want to be free from.

You're right about handling the stresses. Just don't know if I have the strength.

[hiskidd]

Thanks everyone. I was feeling good at day 40. This ***** so bad. I hear what everyone is saying about the past, but it's such a hard road to climb when I think of it all.

I appreciate how forgiving you guys are. I'm sure some have said all they could the first two times I tried to quit.

[rockbottom1970]

I am tumbling into uncharted waters im into day 13, the longest I've been sober for 8 years, I feel for your little trip up and I hope you can get back up an keep trying.  It scares me to know that even after 40 days clean this thing can come back to bite you in the neck.  I begin  work tomorrow after being off after two weeks.  Its scaring me because I dont want  to leave my fortress of solitude.  

Good luck to you if you feel good enough to through some advice my way Id like it....

KJ

[atthebeach]

hey david i hadn't seen you post in awhile. i was thinking about you and praying that all was well. well don't let the devil beat you up about this. the righteous man always gets back up and fights harder. dont be defeated. do you actively attend your church? the reason i ask is because when my husband confessed to our pastor and the congregation it was then that he felt stronger and not so ashamed.everyone was so supportive to my whole family and the prayers of the saints are powerful. keep on keeping on. press on. attend more church functions. read your bible.  keep your eyes on the Lord.
God bless you,
debbie

[ImDONENoMore]

I agree with laurel - beating yourself up serves no purpose, it's self-defeating and a huge waste of your energy right now.  All you can do is get up, dust yourself off and move forward.  Looking back is a HUGE mistake - and please, go easy on yourself.  You have to learn something from every relapse or you will make that mistake again.  Remember what the triggers were and find another way to deal with whatever stress or situation brought on that trigger.  Find NEW ways of dealing with the ups and downs of every day life.  There simply has to be a solid plan in place as you move forward or the same problems will trip you up over and over again.

And laurel is also right about finding some kind of aftercare - even if NA/AA meetings aren't your thing, you can talk to a counselor or even a pastor, priest or rabbi.  ANYTHING is better than turning to pills for support and I know you know that already.  Think of this whole thing as a very POSITIVE learning experience and going forward, you will know better what to expect and what things to avoid.  And take your TIME with this David, don't set any timetables for yourself on when it's going to get better.  Nothing messes with withdrawal or recovery like setting yourself up for a date/time that you'll be over this.  Just doesn't work that way.

There is NO shame in falling down - only in NOT getting back up.  So you're half-way there because you STOOD back UP.  Now find that support someplace in your life and give yourself a fighting chance here.  You DESERVE a better life, David.  You truly do.  Now it's YOUR TURN to believe that.  :)

[laurel453]

David... the good thing is that you have learnt from this experience.  I really think that we need learning from our experience to say there is no way to control the pills. On the other hand, i don't think you will have such a bad time as you had the first time ( i remember those days well at christmas ) and as you know a positive frame of mind is our best friend so don't beat yourself now, make yourself stronger with positive thinking... YOU CAN DO IT and YOU WILL BE ALL RIGHT... Talk to an addiction counselor, therapy, meetings... whatever you think it may help you, eat healthy and start the exercising... you will soon be over these wds days :)