Aa
Detoxing for the 10th (maybe?) time...
I've been a long time "watcher" of this community and this is the first time I've felt scared and helpless enough to actually post.
I've been fighting my painkiller addiction, on and off, for the past 10 years. It's my 30th birthday in about 3 weeks and I keep telling myself that, as a present to myself, I'll finally get myself clean and get my life on track by then. From where I am sitting now, that doesn't look like it is going to happen. I've chosen to post the story/my history with painkillers here because I think I just need to get it out and, even though this board is populated by strangers, It will mean something to me that someone knows the truth about where I am in with this struggle that has taken over the last 3rd of my life.
I still remember the first time I took painkillers.It was when I had first met the girl that would go on to become my current wife. At the time, she was living in LA going to school and I lived in Seattle. On one of my first trips down to see her we decided to take some of her leftover Percocet (I think they were 5/500’s) and go to Universal City Walk, a brightly-lit shopping and dining area outside of Universal Studios. I remember, to this day, how incredible that trip was…The two of us buzzing equally hard on our newfound love as we were from the drugs we had taken. The whole night has been etched in my memory since. I remember sitting at a table at Starbucks underneath a huge neon sign (I think it was a guitar or a gorilla?) and feeling more alive and happy than I had ever felt. I told her I loved her that night and that I was going to marry her.
Fast forward a few months from that night together. I’ve been dating her for a while and recreationally taking painkillers was becoming more and more a habit for us. We’d take them and watch TV and movies for hours. We’d take them and going shopping…and rack up WAY to many purchases since we were feeling so good. I don’t know if I was physically addicted at the time but I do know that I was almost always the one that suggested we took them. It was starting to cause a strain in our relationship at times but nothing like what was down the road.
Things continued this was for a year or two. We’d go through periods of taking the pills together and pills of not having any to take. I’d get one or two from a friend here and there but nothing big. Again, I’m not sure when this changed. I went from taking them WITH my then girlfriend, to stealing them FROM her. I’d sneak one or two here and there and she wouldn’t notice so I’d sneak a few more pills more often. I think this is where my problem really started in earnest. Once my partner in usage was taken out of the equation and I was left solely up to my own intake control I started taking them more and more.
Of course, eventually she caught me stealing the pills which we were now buying in large amounts over the internet without a RX. She was furious and hurt but, mostly, concerned about me and MY well-being. I don’t even remember how we got through it or what I promised or said. Long story short, life moved on…and so did my addiction. There were a few months here and there where I managed to get myself off them with almost no trouble, which only furthered my belief that they were harmless.
A couple more years went by, we were now engaged and I had started living at my parents’ house to save money for the wedding. We were totally in love and excited to start our new life together. At this point my fiancé’ had been diagnosed with a serious chronic pain disorder and had started being proscribed large amounts of painkillers to manage it. As I had before, I stole these off and on for quite some time….got caught…and more stress and fighting grew from that. Through it all, however, we did love each other and, even though I was lying to her almost daily now about my problem, I truly loved her as well.
At this point, the money that I was supposed to be saving was going to buying painkillers online and off the street. I was heavily addicted and I hadn’t realized it yet. The coming crash and withdrawal would be my first experience with the dark side of my addiction. And it was a doozy.
I had been taking 15-10 10mg vicodin a day at this point with the occasional OC or Percocet when I could get my hands on them. I’d kept ahead of running out for about 6 months…until I couldn’t. I’d bought as many online as the site would allow that month and my street dealers were nowhere to be found.
By the end of that day I was fully sick and in the worst pain I had ever been in. You all know how it feels, I think, so I won’t bore you with stories of the dancing legs, the terrible abdominal pains, and the mostly sleepless night’s punctuated only by the most vivid, heart breaking nightmares.
It seemed to go on forever and, of course, through it all I told myself I’d never do this to myself again.
That was Five years ago.
I have no idea how long I stayed clean after that but I can tell you it probably wasn’t long. Years have passed and I’ve gone between street buys and stealing my wife’s pills and somehow stayed alive. I’ve started lying and stealing to feed my habit and, one by one, I’ve hurt the people around me more and more. I’ve lost most of my friends since I would rather spend time alone, high in my apartment watching sci-fi than really do anything else and I’ve damaged my marriage further than I think I can ever fully repair.
Last year things started to really get out of hand and I started to honestly see how much this addiction was taking over my life.
I had managed to get an ENT doctor to start prescribing me painkillers for the legitimate sinus pain I was in but I was taking them at much higher dosages than I needed to. The time came for me to get sinus surgery and, during my recovery, I was getting huge amounts of pills from my doctor…refills of 90+ 7.5 mg Percocet’s a WEEK. This went on for months until my Doctor finally got sick of it and referred me to a pain management specialist to taper me down. Which I DID try and do….for a while. Then I went right back to trying to game the system to get more pills. This doctor, however, just cut me off. He was probably familiar with people like me.
I bounced between street buys again, going from good weeks when I had pills to bad stretches where I would suffer through long, terrible days at work. Then, about 6 months ago, my wife got me to go to another pain clinic, they got me back on a taper down system and I got myself down to a single 5mg Percocet a day. I was so proud of myself and happy.
This should have been it, right?
Wrong. Now, due to all the lying and stealing and damage my drug issues have caused, my wife no longer trusts me…she has stuck by me through ALL of it but the damage to her has been considerable…as is the damage to her family and mine. Eventually it got to be too much and we started to have serious problems. I used this as an excuse to start buying off the street again and, after this long Memorial Day weekend, I am as hooked as I’ve ever been.
I ran out of pills Monday morning at 8am and I haven’t taken anything since. I’m feeling like death as I sit here at my desk at work writing this and all I want is to get back to feeling that warm, safe, happy feeling that I feel in love with so long ago. I know my life is in shambles because of it, I know that the one woman that I truly love is deeply and irreparably hurt because of it, and I know that this will eventually lead to me losing my job or my freedom, or worse….but I still sit here waiting for a dealer to call me back.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope something that I have said can help someone avoid ending up where I am today.
I've been fighting my painkiller addiction, on and off, for the past 10 years. It's my 30th birthday in about 3 weeks and I keep telling myself that, as a present to myself, I'll finally get myself clean and get my life on track by then. From where I am sitting now, that doesn't look like it is going to happen. I've chosen to post the story/my history with painkillers here because I think I just need to get it out and, even though this board is populated by strangers, It will mean something to me that someone knows the truth about where I am in with this struggle that has taken over the last 3rd of my life.
I still remember the first time I took painkillers.It was when I had first met the girl that would go on to become my current wife. At the time, she was living in LA going to school and I lived in Seattle. On one of my first trips down to see her we decided to take some of her leftover Percocet (I think they were 5/500’s) and go to Universal City Walk, a brightly-lit shopping and dining area outside of Universal Studios. I remember, to this day, how incredible that trip was…The two of us buzzing equally hard on our newfound love as we were from the drugs we had taken. The whole night has been etched in my memory since. I remember sitting at a table at Starbucks underneath a huge neon sign (I think it was a guitar or a gorilla?) and feeling more alive and happy than I had ever felt. I told her I loved her that night and that I was going to marry her.
Fast forward a few months from that night together. I’ve been dating her for a while and recreationally taking painkillers was becoming more and more a habit for us. We’d take them and watch TV and movies for hours. We’d take them and going shopping…and rack up WAY to many purchases since we were feeling so good. I don’t know if I was physically addicted at the time but I do know that I was almost always the one that suggested we took them. It was starting to cause a strain in our relationship at times but nothing like what was down the road.
Things continued this was for a year or two. We’d go through periods of taking the pills together and pills of not having any to take. I’d get one or two from a friend here and there but nothing big. Again, I’m not sure when this changed. I went from taking them WITH my then girlfriend, to stealing them FROM her. I’d sneak one or two here and there and she wouldn’t notice so I’d sneak a few more pills more often. I think this is where my problem really started in earnest. Once my partner in usage was taken out of the equation and I was left solely up to my own intake control I started taking them more and more.
Of course, eventually she caught me stealing the pills which we were now buying in large amounts over the internet without a RX. She was furious and hurt but, mostly, concerned about me and MY well-being. I don’t even remember how we got through it or what I promised or said. Long story short, life moved on…and so did my addiction. There were a few months here and there where I managed to get myself off them with almost no trouble, which only furthered my belief that they were harmless.
A couple more years went by, we were now engaged and I had started living at my parents’ house to save money for the wedding. We were totally in love and excited to start our new life together. At this point my fiancé’ had been diagnosed with a serious chronic pain disorder and had started being proscribed large amounts of painkillers to manage it. As I had before, I stole these off and on for quite some time….got caught…and more stress and fighting grew from that. Through it all, however, we did love each other and, even though I was lying to her almost daily now about my problem, I truly loved her as well.
At this point, the money that I was supposed to be saving was going to buying painkillers online and off the street. I was heavily addicted and I hadn’t realized it yet. The coming crash and withdrawal would be my first experience with the dark side of my addiction. And it was a doozy.
I had been taking 15-10 10mg vicodin a day at this point with the occasional OC or Percocet when I could get my hands on them. I’d kept ahead of running out for about 6 months…until I couldn’t. I’d bought as many online as the site would allow that month and my street dealers were nowhere to be found.
By the end of that day I was fully sick and in the worst pain I had ever been in. You all know how it feels, I think, so I won’t bore you with stories of the dancing legs, the terrible abdominal pains, and the mostly sleepless night’s punctuated only by the most vivid, heart breaking nightmares.
It seemed to go on forever and, of course, through it all I told myself I’d never do this to myself again.
That was Five years ago.
I have no idea how long I stayed clean after that but I can tell you it probably wasn’t long. Years have passed and I’ve gone between street buys and stealing my wife’s pills and somehow stayed alive. I’ve started lying and stealing to feed my habit and, one by one, I’ve hurt the people around me more and more. I’ve lost most of my friends since I would rather spend time alone, high in my apartment watching sci-fi than really do anything else and I’ve damaged my marriage further than I think I can ever fully repair.
Last year things started to really get out of hand and I started to honestly see how much this addiction was taking over my life.
I had managed to get an ENT doctor to start prescribing me painkillers for the legitimate sinus pain I was in but I was taking them at much higher dosages than I needed to. The time came for me to get sinus surgery and, during my recovery, I was getting huge amounts of pills from my doctor…refills of 90+ 7.5 mg Percocet’s a WEEK. This went on for months until my Doctor finally got sick of it and referred me to a pain management specialist to taper me down. Which I DID try and do….for a while. Then I went right back to trying to game the system to get more pills. This doctor, however, just cut me off. He was probably familiar with people like me.
I bounced between street buys again, going from good weeks when I had pills to bad stretches where I would suffer through long, terrible days at work. Then, about 6 months ago, my wife got me to go to another pain clinic, they got me back on a taper down system and I got myself down to a single 5mg Percocet a day. I was so proud of myself and happy.
This should have been it, right?
Wrong. Now, due to all the lying and stealing and damage my drug issues have caused, my wife no longer trusts me…she has stuck by me through ALL of it but the damage to her has been considerable…as is the damage to her family and mine. Eventually it got to be too much and we started to have serious problems. I used this as an excuse to start buying off the street again and, after this long Memorial Day weekend, I am as hooked as I’ve ever been.
I ran out of pills Monday morning at 8am and I haven’t taken anything since. I’m feeling like death as I sit here at my desk at work writing this and all I want is to get back to feeling that warm, safe, happy feeling that I feel in love with so long ago. I know my life is in shambles because of it, I know that the one woman that I truly love is deeply and irreparably hurt because of it, and I know that this will eventually lead to me losing my job or my freedom, or worse….but I still sit here waiting for a dealer to call me back.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. I hope something that I have said can help someone avoid ending up where I am today.
Hey Harper,
Sorry I haven't posted more. How is your fight going? Doing any better??
I;m not doing so well with mine. I keep falling back into using by justifiing it to myself because of how demanding and busy my work day is (I have 15 employees that depend on me and I can't let them down) but, once again, I've been without my pills since sunday morning and I;m feeling terrible. terrible enough that, this time, I've actually stayed home from work for once and the anxiety of that is mixing with the guilt and shame of how much I've let my addiction destroy my life and my marriage...and I feel like I can barely exist.
All the while I've been watching my marriage disolve around me as well and, in the grip of my own battle, I've just been losing the fight for my wife. I can't tell her that I'm detoxing AGAIN...she is long past caring about or being sympathetic since she's seen me do this a ton of times with no changes. Whatever support I had from her is gone.
I hope you are having a better time of it than I am. Wishing you strength and luck.
Sorry I haven't posted more. How is your fight going? Doing any better??
I;m not doing so well with mine. I keep falling back into using by justifiing it to myself because of how demanding and busy my work day is (I have 15 employees that depend on me and I can't let them down) but, once again, I've been without my pills since sunday morning and I;m feeling terrible. terrible enough that, this time, I've actually stayed home from work for once and the anxiety of that is mixing with the guilt and shame of how much I've let my addiction destroy my life and my marriage...and I feel like I can barely exist.
All the while I've been watching my marriage disolve around me as well and, in the grip of my own battle, I've just been losing the fight for my wife. I can't tell her that I'm detoxing AGAIN...she is long past caring about or being sympathetic since she's seen me do this a ton of times with no changes. Whatever support I had from her is gone.
I hope you are having a better time of it than I am. Wishing you strength and luck.
The cycle of trying to stop and not being able to is one of the hardest, breaks your spirit right down in my opinion. I spent the past year trying to stop and would last a few hours maybe a day maybe 2 if i was really lucky and then id be right back at it. Its so wearing on your body and mind and soul. I just hope you wont give up, don't resign to a life of drugs, youre worth more than that. I dont think anyone gets sober before they are meant to, everything happens for a reason, maybe you can learn somthing from your experiences that will help you now. I think its probably important to do something different tho, the same thing gets the same results.
ANyways, i messed up two days ago too and used, was deeply regretting it after and upset but just trying to move on from it. Dont let it pull you down, thats a dark place to be when you give up on yourself and resign to the drugs and yet thats exactly where the drugs want us. To give up and just live in a state of oblivion, devoid of life, taking drugs every day to survive. I think youre a strong person and u will find your way out, theres more in life for u i believe. have u ever tried rehabs or detoxes or anything or other kind of support? its hard doing this alone especially when ur only accountable to yourself.
ANyways, i messed up two days ago too and used, was deeply regretting it after and upset but just trying to move on from it. Dont let it pull you down, thats a dark place to be when you give up on yourself and resign to the drugs and yet thats exactly where the drugs want us. To give up and just live in a state of oblivion, devoid of life, taking drugs every day to survive. I think youre a strong person and u will find your way out, theres more in life for u i believe. have u ever tried rehabs or detoxes or anything or other kind of support? its hard doing this alone especially when ur only accountable to yourself.
hey guys
my attempts to quit didn't go well. I ended up being weak and getting some from a friend. I spent most of last week and the weekend using. I ran out last night again and I'm right back where I was before....now with even more guilt.
This cycle is breaking my heart.
my attempts to quit didn't go well. I ended up being weak and getting some from a friend. I spent most of last week and the weekend using. I ran out last night again and I'm right back where I was before....now with even more guilt.
This cycle is breaking my heart.
Hi how are you doing? Hope you are still trying to stop, if not dont be afraid to post either way, hope you are okay.
Hey how are you doing tonite? I hope and pray you are still fighting the fight. Let me tell you as long as you have breath there is hope. All you need is a little mustard seed of faith
To believe that you will beat those demons down. You need to pray and ask GOD to break the chains of addiction that have you bound. I am the wife of a recovering addict. he has been clean for 15 months. We have been married for 21 yrs and for 14 of those years he had used. Yes I know all about the heartache.pain.lies.deceit.lack of trust.financial issues.fights.anger. we also have 4 children and they have lived through hell. But I can tell you that my husband went into a christian drug and alcohol rehab at 56 yrs old. The LORD is restorin and .healing our family. I was so bitter.I hated my husband for what he had done to our marriage and to our children. You are only 29. I know it seems you have wasted a good portion already but if you don't quit now.go for counseling.go to support groups.church. something to keep you in recovery at your 39th birthday you will say another wasted decade. So give yourself that 30th birthday gift and resolve in yoour mind.heart.soul and spirit that you are done.that you are sick and tired of those demons controlling your life. I will pray for you and your wife
Blessings to you
Debbie
To believe that you will beat those demons down. You need to pray and ask GOD to break the chains of addiction that have you bound. I am the wife of a recovering addict. he has been clean for 15 months. We have been married for 21 yrs and for 14 of those years he had used. Yes I know all about the heartache.pain.lies.deceit.lack of trust.financial issues.fights.anger. we also have 4 children and they have lived through hell. But I can tell you that my husband went into a christian drug and alcohol rehab at 56 yrs old. The LORD is restorin and .healing our family. I was so bitter.I hated my husband for what he had done to our marriage and to our children. You are only 29. I know it seems you have wasted a good portion already but if you don't quit now.go for counseling.go to support groups.church. something to keep you in recovery at your 39th birthday you will say another wasted decade. So give yourself that 30th birthday gift and resolve in yoour mind.heart.soul and spirit that you are done.that you are sick and tired of those demons controlling your life. I will pray for you and your wife
Blessings to you
Debbie
Just an AM update.
Still haven't taken anything. Feeling pretty rough, sitting at work trying to make it through this day but it's almost impossible to make it through each min.
I guess it's a sign that no one called me back and helped me get pills last night. I'm thinking that, now that I'm over 48 hours in, I might just stay the course and fight through this.
The craving for pills is worse than it's ever been and I'm starting to feel like I'm going a little nuts.
Job is suffereing, marrigage is too. Just really worn out. The sleeplessness doesn't help :/
thanks again for everyone and their support.
Still haven't taken anything. Feeling pretty rough, sitting at work trying to make it through this day but it's almost impossible to make it through each min.
I guess it's a sign that no one called me back and helped me get pills last night. I'm thinking that, now that I'm over 48 hours in, I might just stay the course and fight through this.
The craving for pills is worse than it's ever been and I'm starting to feel like I'm going a little nuts.
Job is suffereing, marrigage is too. Just really worn out. The sleeplessness doesn't help :/
thanks again for everyone and their support.
Of course there are people waiting at the finish line. Only right now you can't see that because of your addiction. And it's true, it's scary - changing the very way we live is scary. Only you're HERE for a reason - and whether you feel it or not, somewhere deep inside of you there's hope for a better life or you never would have come here.
And I agree - it's hard and scary for the family right now to see what you're doing to yourself. Only think about it - wouldn't it be a LOT harder and scarier for them if they had to deal with you od'g or something else awful happening? How scary and hard would it be for them then? Believe me, it's better for them to see you getting well and dealing with the addiction than what they're seeing now. Give them a chance to be there for you - wouldn't you do the same for them? Trust them enough to give them that chance.
And I agree - it's hard and scary for the family right now to see what you're doing to yourself. Only think about it - wouldn't it be a LOT harder and scarier for them if they had to deal with you od'g or something else awful happening? How scary and hard would it be for them then? Believe me, it's better for them to see you getting well and dealing with the addiction than what they're seeing now. Give them a chance to be there for you - wouldn't you do the same for them? Trust them enough to give them that chance.
Thanks everyone, your words are really the only thing that I'm hanging onto right now.
I want to make the jumo and commit to getting this out of my life, and I keep telling myself that I want to and that I'm going to...and then the panic sets in and the terror or knowing that, even though I may be able to get through this, on the other side is the stark reality that my addictions have left me.
I've cried wolf and tried to quit so many times that I really don't think there's going to be anyone left at the finish line for me anymore.
I'm just sitting here at work feeling worse and worse and more afriad
I want to make the jumo and commit to getting this out of my life, and I keep telling myself that I want to and that I'm going to...and then the panic sets in and the terror or knowing that, even though I may be able to get through this, on the other side is the stark reality that my addictions have left me.
I've cried wolf and tried to quit so many times that I really don't think there's going to be anyone left at the finish line for me anymore.
I'm just sitting here at work feeling worse and worse and more afriad
That's the great thing about being ALIVE - you get to make choices every day that could affect every second of your life thereafter. You CAN do this - I know how awful you're feeling now, I remember. But all it takes is ONE decision to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. And your life is waiting for you. One tiny tiny little step - that's it. So are you ready because all you have to do, right here, and right now, is say YES I'm ready - that's it. Simple? Yes. Hard? Yes. Worth it? YES YES and YES.
I'll tell you something here...Once you make up your mind to stop the pills,you will. Once you have some clean time behind you,you'll feel free and it's a wonderful,noble feeling. You need to get there. 30 is still pretty young and you've got time and youth on your side.
Don't let addiction define who you are!! Reach out for help and support;it's nothing to be ashamed of because,trust me, you're in very good company...
Seek out some professional help and it can be anything! Try going to an AA meeting;they don't mind there if you drink or take pills! Talk to your doctor;you may need help getting through this.
You really can do this! You just feel badly right now but this is not the worst thing in the world...you know that. So, make a plan,talk with your wife and family,change up some routines and work at this. Addiction is a huge burden and don't we know it!!
Read the "health pages",upper right of this page. There's a lot of good info in there!
Stick around!
Don't let addiction define who you are!! Reach out for help and support;it's nothing to be ashamed of because,trust me, you're in very good company...
Seek out some professional help and it can be anything! Try going to an AA meeting;they don't mind there if you drink or take pills! Talk to your doctor;you may need help getting through this.
You really can do this! You just feel badly right now but this is not the worst thing in the world...you know that. So, make a plan,talk with your wife and family,change up some routines and work at this. Addiction is a huge burden and don't we know it!!
Read the "health pages",upper right of this page. There's a lot of good info in there!
Stick around!
I cant tell you how much I relate to every word you say. I feel the pain in your words. Its heartbreaking really. Using and active addiction is hard enough but then when we try to stop many times and fail it is absolute worst. ive become my own worst enemy i cannot trust my mind my thoughts my actions, I know im ruled by my addiction right now and thats why I want so desperately to stop. These drugs come thru our lives and destroy everything, theyve left me with a broken spirit thats for sure. There is a small sliver of hope for me, I want to believe that I was put on this earth to be more than a drug addict and that is why i am trying one more time, and not giving up yet. I truly wish youd do the same. I have seen so many of my friends succumb to addiction and some die. I hate to see people give up on themselves, that is what the disease wants, I cant let that happen and I wish you wouldnt either. I sit here right now typing to you in so much pain, i am sweating but then freezing, my mind is a mess, I could literally chop off my legs they hurt so bad right now, and although im 22 im already beating myself up for the last 5 wasted years of my life. The only way i know how to reverse that wasted time is to fight through this withdrawal as best i can and get my life back and get sober. And hopefully maybe one day i can use my experiences to help other people get out of their mental prisons and personal struggles. Maybe u can do the same. Dont give up, you dont want to be 3 weeks to 40 and thinking I wasted the last 20 years of my life. It is never too late. Dont lose your hope.
I want to try and quit again but I feel so broken down by the back and forth of it all. (which you'd think would be incentive to quit)
I guess I really said it all in my reply to harper.
thank you for the response :)
I guess I really said it all in my reply to harper.
thank you for the response :)
Hey Harper,
Thanks for the kind words. It helps, somehow, to know that someone knows how I feel or has some understanding of this prison. As much as those around me love me, they can never really understand where I am.
I'm so in awe of what you are doing now. Your intake levels are much higher than mine and you seem like you are soldiering on through the worst of it. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world and truly hope you make it through.
I'm honestly terrified that this is the swan song of my life...that I'm going to exist as some cautionary tale for other people. I've already ruined all of the chances and oppurtunities that I had in my 20's....I've never felt as alone as I do now...staring at 30 and back a life wasted.
I appologize for the self indulgant rant :) I want to get out this place so baddly...but the truth is I'm afraid that I have given up on myself. I want to be sober, normal, and worthy of the love of those around me...but the one person that matters, myself, doesn't seem to have my back anymore....or to even belive in me.
Maybe I will try again, but as I sit here with everything coming down around me, all I want is to run away into that feeling because, even if it doesn't fix my life, it sure makes it easier to get through the days.
Thanks for the kind words. It helps, somehow, to know that someone knows how I feel or has some understanding of this prison. As much as those around me love me, they can never really understand where I am.
I'm so in awe of what you are doing now. Your intake levels are much higher than mine and you seem like you are soldiering on through the worst of it. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world and truly hope you make it through.
I'm honestly terrified that this is the swan song of my life...that I'm going to exist as some cautionary tale for other people. I've already ruined all of the chances and oppurtunities that I had in my 20's....I've never felt as alone as I do now...staring at 30 and back a life wasted.
I appologize for the self indulgant rant :) I want to get out this place so baddly...but the truth is I'm afraid that I have given up on myself. I want to be sober, normal, and worthy of the love of those around me...but the one person that matters, myself, doesn't seem to have my back anymore....or to even belive in me.
Maybe I will try again, but as I sit here with everything coming down around me, all I want is to run away into that feeling because, even if it doesn't fix my life, it sure makes it easier to get through the days.
Yes...it's a bad road you find yourself on. Are you trying to quit again? Have you given up on that?
You know you need to do something different this time and I hope you do! I hate to see families left cold and broken by addiction. Have you ever asked for help? Gone to AA/NA?
There's plenty of help out there...get going on that!!
You know you need to do something different this time and I hope you do! I hate to see families left cold and broken by addiction. Have you ever asked for help? Gone to AA/NA?
There's plenty of help out there...get going on that!!
Just read your story and those last few sentences I relate to so much. Through all the pain and consequences I have racked up, many days I sat waiting...watching my phone, praying my dealer was calling. Its sad, the control the drugs take over us and the pain we cause our loved ones. I am on day 2 of oxycontin detox. I was snorting about 5 80mg pills a day. My wd is so bad right now, death is an understatement!! So i know how u feel, it hurts just to sit and try to type this. I am wondering, are you willing to try to get sober again? Or try like a rehab or something? Dont give up on yourself, dont let the addiction and the drugs win. I am trying again, i dont want to give up on myself, i want more in life then to be a dope fiend drug addict, which is all i am right now. My toughts are with you and i hope you find a way out of your struggles and pain.
- Harper
- Harper
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