When it drops from the sky

[hopingtohelp]

Two days ago I found out that my bookish, homebody, husband - an RN - was suspended from work for "diverting" pain meds - that is taking the Oxy that his patients didn't ask for. This was totally out of the blue.  It has been going on for almost 2 years, and I NEVER suspected. I figured that the fatigue and irritability was just him.  We're both in our 40's married just 5 years with 2 young daughters who we adopted.  I feel like a truck hit me.  What do you do?   Do I believe that it was just curiosity, availability, and that this was "what he neede" to quit?  Or, do I also notice his other addictive behaviors and inability to quit those - like smoking - and suspect that this is the beginning of a long perhaps fatal path for our marraige and family?  Do I let it change everything, even though I never noticed?  Do I let myself be sympathetic since, after all, I was a pretty out of control user of whatever was around in my wild younger days?  Do I chalk it up to self medicating for the depression we both suffer from?  He's in withdrawl, in bed, dry heaving all day.  He's done it before he says, 6 times.  I thought he had an unusual suseptibility to the stomach flu...wow do I feel stupid now.  I've been through several of the stages of "grief," including a new one which includes dark humor, in the last 48 hours.  Worst of all, I promised not to talk to friends and family to save him the humiliation.  That stings a bit.  This forum is the only talking I can do right now, and i want him to get on here too once he's able to focus.  This is so hard, and the hardest part has been telling my 2 and 5 year old beautiful girls that daddy isn't feeling very well today, so he won't be reading with us tonight.  My god.

[Charlie's girl]

Here here

[Calzy]

Just to say hi and hope everything is going well today. Hope all goes well when your husband meets with the hospital. IMO, if addiction was treated like a disease, first with more understanding, then medications and treatments options, things wouldnt get so out of hand because ppl would come forward more to be treated like any other disease. The stigma attached to this is sad and so many ppl could be getting treated, get well & back on their feet again instead of rotting in jails or families breaking up over this. Street drugs make you feel good at first but you know there illegal and you shouldnt be doing them & know it's wrong, but you do get hooked fast. With pain medications, some people get a different feeling on them that make you think you can be a better person on them and for your family, job, etc., and some doctors will say you may need to stay on them the rest of your life, so you think you are doing the right thing until you have to increase your dose and you start wearing down. You some how think you will get over the side effects and get back to normal, like with any meds you take to get well, but at that point you are just kidding yourself and you become desperate to get out of the vicious circle and the wheels start flying off and you are in full blown addiction. It is a true saying that addicts are not bad people trying to be good but sick people trying to get well.

[hopingtohelp]

Thanks for keeping an eye on me.

[hopingtohelp]

You have to make your own decision about your privacy.  I'm an open book about everything except about things I'm ashamed of - then I'm intensely private. I guess that's true of most people.   If the shoe were on the other foot, I'd probably be doing what your are.  Just don't underestimate the people who love you.  When I've been in trouble or damaged by something and kept it from family in the past, they always found out, and instead of being angry at what I'd done, they were angry that I didn't turn to them for support.  Now I'm in the same boat.  I actually expected my self to be more angry - almost forced it to happen since it's what I thought was the appropriate response, but what I really felt was love and empathy.  Now don't get me wrong, I went through some anger, but it lasted a few hours and I let him have it in ways I knew would hurt.  But it passed once I let it out.  I had to have a good cry in front of him too.  I don't know your husband, but you might be able to see if any of this looks possible for him.  Being alone on either side of this is perhaps the one thing that will keep it from healing.  I don't know.  It's all new.

[lurker]

You needed someone to talk to so don't feel guilty.  The Lorazepam will help a lot.  I would also suggest you search The Thomas Recipe on this forum - it has a lot of vitamins and amino acids which are really helpful as the body withdraws.  And personally, I think soup is one of the best medicines in the world.  

[hopingtohelp]

I can't believe you are all out there.  The world is more full of good people than bad, I have to say, if just entering a chat room can rally this kind of help and goodness of heart.  No matter what you all may have done that you regret, let doing this for me provide a counterweight to that.

He's home and asleep after a few hours in the ER.  He confided that what really got him there, beside reading your posts, were some suicidal thoughts that scared him profoundly. I didn't overreact - actually have been there myself in dark times.  I told him that we may end up closer and stronger on the other end of this, and that we need him sick or well.  He promised that he would never actually do anything, but the thoughts really motivated him.

They gave him something called Lorazepam in the ER with a few to take home, and also ran some labs - all of which came back normal.  He's very weak; I'm making soup.  My mother was here when he got home, and I had to lie and say that he took a walk into town to hang out at the book store - which is his normal routine. But then a friend called.

My close friend, M, has been through heroine addiction with her teenaged son and alcoholism with her husband - both successfully (so far).  When she asked if we wanted to meet up for dinner to see an old college friend who is in town I just let loose and told her everything.  It felt bad and good at the same time. I know that she's the perfect confidant, but I did tell, and my husband knows her well - her husband is remodeling my basement with my husbands help.  I have to tell him that I told - after some soup.

My daughter want me to scribe a get well card onto her Tinkerbell stationary for her dad.  This is just to surreal sometimes.  I'll keep posting - thanks for everything.
J

[wannaquit]

I just want to say that I applaud you for being supportive of your husband.  I've been an addict (opiates) for 8 years, and my husband has no idea.  I've just recently decided to quit (though I've been struggling with the idea for as long as I've been addicted), but it's so scary.  They've been a part of me for so long, almost a bigger part of me than anything else in my life has ever been, and that's sad.  I am terrified to tell my husband, and the more I think about it, the more sure I am that I will not tell him.  I will try to go through this quietly, taper myself off and do my best, because I am terrified of hurting him the way this has hurt you.  I'm also terrifed that if I hurt him, he won't be as gracious as you have with your spouse.  It's a humiliating feeling that your husband is feeling right now, and I can't tell you enough how important it is that you've decided to support him.  So, from the other side of the fence (the addict's view), my hat's off to you.  I wish you both the best.

[bettie1976]

ive often wondered if the docs/nurses in the er took my vicodin take home packs when I wouldnt get them. Im sure they did. At least one or two of them. B/C half the time I was offered take home packs because it was late and no pharms open and they would give em to me. The other half the time they wouldnt offer em at all. Hmmm....makes sense to me.

[3grlz'mom]

Hello!  If he has to go in, and it may be the best thing for him, there are many of us here to talk to, day or night.  You are being an excellent wife and just what he needs right now.  Just be strong and we will be here for you.

[lurker]

So very glad to hear from you this morning.  Please post and let us know how he does in the ER.  Take all of this one step at a time - it's a very long journey but with your love and some outside help, he will come through it.  Sounds like he's got a great head on his shoulders.  good luck!  Shari

[hopingtohelp]

Well, at 9:30 am he read this thread.  Then he cried like I've only seen once before, got dressed and walked to our local hospital ER.  I feel funny saying that I'm proud of him after what he's done, but i do feel proud of him.  He isn't denying or rationalizing and he's seeking help - granted after it hit the fan, but I think that that honesty is going to be our saving grace.  I know that it's the major barrier for a lot of people.  As he was leaving he said that he might end up in the psychiatric hospital downtown, and I panicked at this thought.  I don't want him admitted.  Is that terrible?  I know that he has to do what he needs to do, but I selfishly want him here.  Explaining where is will cause a lot of lying on my part, and as disabled as he is right now, I need here.  
Anyway, thanks you all for these posts.  It really hit home with him.  He's totally destroyed right now, emotionally and physically, but I guess that's where you go before you act to save yourself?
J

[Jay Dean]

Im very glad youre sticking by his side, He loves you and it is a disease he has, I am new to the forum, so as far as medical advice, Im not the person to put my 2 cents in. As an Individual, he is going thruough some tough times right now and will be in the future, I am going to be starting on Sub this week and have no one but myself, I would love to have a significant other be by my side during this huge test for me. He would help you Im sure, Love in unconditional as long as there wasnt a lot of BS going on, and really he didnt do anything wrong to you, except not confide in you. That is an addict being scared, God bless for helping him.                   Jay Dean

[johnnykelly]

This disease is all inclusive, it does not discriminate.The disease crosses all socio/ economic bounFrom what you wrote and how people have responded theres ultimate support. the worst thing i believe is shame and islationThe two primary factors for this disease to One word of caution, prior to addmitting to the above mentioned misoppropriations, please get some legal advAll the best johnnykelly=cheers
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[lurker]

So if your state program is anything like the one I was in, he's in for some work on his part.  I had to go to a minimum of 3 AA or NA meetings a week and a once a week nurse support group.  Also had to call a phone number every day and if my color came up I had 12 hours to present for a drug test.  I had to pay for all of this.  The drug tests became less frequent after the first year.  If they ever come back positive you get referred to the licensing board for discipline.  I was clean for 10 years so it worked.  He'll be surprised how many nurses are in this boat.  When he returns to work, he will have to tell his coworkers and will not be able to have access to narcotics. If he has a patient who needs them he'll have to have someone else give them.  It was hard because I worked in the ER but it can be done.  It took a lot but I didn't want to lose my license so it was worth it.  I wish I'd never injured my back because it was so easy to become addicted again.  I look forward to being off the pills.  He'll need to learn how slippery the slope is, won't be able to take narcotics without having you dispense them for him or he could end up right back where he his now.  He's lucky to have you and to be in a state with a program. Some states just pull the license, no questions asked.  If he has to drug test on Monday he should tell them about the Xanax.  It's the start of being honest and they will have a lot of respect for that.  Hope you are able to get some sleep.  Look forward to hearing how it goes.  I hope he is able to read these and see the love you obviously have for him.

[Calzy]

You said your husband quit for a few weeks before and than started back when this all blew up so i'm sure he is either smoking like a freight train or taking hard drags to try and calm his nerves from the w/d's, at least that was what i was doing, and thats when i decided to quit smoking as well. Plus you do get flu like feelings with some drainage. I think letting him see these posts would be just what the doctor ordered. At first he might puff, but after reading awhile he will see we are all on the same team and we dont even know each other.

[FLaddict]

no i think showing him posts is a good idea... it will let him know he is not alone in this and that others have gotten through to the other side..

[hopingtohelp]

The censor c-r-a-p?  That's what I wrote

[hopingtohelp]

OK I reread all your responsed so i'm not in bed yet.  I want to print these out and let him read them tomorrow.  Is that a bad idea.  I had to read first to make sure that I didn't say anything too curshing about him.  Sounds like I love him  a lot...I was glad to see that.  One more w/d symptom that is REALLY noticable is the coughing! Gagging coughing, uncontrollable coughing.  I don't even understand how he can light a cigarette at this point.  My 2 year old has kept saying, "daddy choking" all day.  Hearing that must make him feel like ****.

[Calzy]

I just saw your post about your husband smoking again but i quit when i was still in withdrawal because i figured i was feeling so bad anyway that i wouldnt know which graving was which and it was pretty much like that for me and it should helped him when the pills zap his energy, he will be glad his lungs are clear. Since he just quit, it should not be that be a deal to quit again and it will make him feel good about himself. Got to go and will watch for your future posts  

[road2recovery]

good nite...LOL i don't know shorthand to that one, but i am sure we can figure something out;(
r2r

[road2recovery]

i guess you mean codiene?? s/p?  hey humor does some good sometimes..i would not worry about the one xanax, but would not give him anything else without a presription...
with him being a nurse and went through w/d's plenty times, he knows if he can do this alone..Well just know we are here for you..You take care of your girls and i am sure they will be ok...And he will too..But being on his end, it is a tough road...But worth every minute of the walk, or crawl sometimes..My family is my life...So i can't lose them..i just can't..i am sure he feels the same way.
keep us posted..And take care of you!! without a xanax!! LOL
R2R

[hopingtohelp]

You are some seriously wonderful people.  I can't tell you how much this is helping.  It's hard not having my best friend, sister and all to talk to, given that I call them when I have a hangnail.  BUt then again, you all have experience that i really need to learn from.  They'd probably either demonize or placate - they all love him as do I.  I'm going to bed.  I've got solo mom duty tomorrow and bananas to buy.  I'll check in tomorrow.  Again, thanks.  What's the shorthand online for I'm crying right now?

[FLaddict]

The spelling is oxycodone... even if you spell it wrong we all know what it is..  so no biggie

[FLaddict]

Yeah its late for me but i don't have to work tommorrow and I am having some pain this week so being on the computer keeps my mind off of it.. fibro has decided to invade my hands and legs this week so struggling a bit.. thanks for asking..