7 months later....

[ArmyWifeMomof4]

Hey guys! Long time since I have been on here.  I wanted to go through really quick what has been going on.  I get on here to read a lot of posts to help keep myself in check.  I got off my Lortabs in September of last year.  I had a move coming up and honestly thought it would be a perfect time to get off them and start fresh.  I went through a week of WDs and then felt pretty good.  The depression was hard but the move kept my mind off of it.  We got to our new home and the first couple months seemed pretty easy!  I was so busy with unpacking and getting my 4 kids into their activities and such that I did not even think about it.  Then it all hit.  My grandma was diagnosed with cancer and my best friend was too.  2 hits in 1 month.  I started thinking how nice it would be to not feel any of the hurt.  That was a hard time however around the same time I had found out I was pregnant with #5.  We are VERY excited!  We knew we were meant to have 1 more.  It is a little girl.  We already have 2 girls and 2 boys and I always wanted to finish our family with a little girl.  Well my grandma ended up passing away.  I really started craving the Lortabs and who would have known that the devil was ready to supply.  I went to clean out my grandmas room and found her medication.  TONS of Hydro and Oxy.  I went straight to my husband and had him get rid of it.  Then I went in to my doctor because I had been having horrible headaches and he too was going to prescribe me some narcotics for pain (apparently it is safe for short periods of time during pregnancy??) but I told him my issues I had with narcotics and he did not give them to me a found a different way. So I have had every opportunity to get these and so far have been good about not letting them win....so far.  Obviously I am struggling with the cravings still 7 months later.  I keep wondering is it going to be like this forever?  Will I always want one?  I keep remembering that I had a full 3 month stash and got rid of it to get clean so if I did that I must have wanted out of the pills so I need to hold onto that.  Just feeling defeated....and a little lost.

[BanMethadone]

Oh and GRATZ on the great news with the little girl. I am amazed by you, truly I am. Raising so many kids, keeping a marriage together through so much, and suffering loss, facing all these challenges... pfffft now way, you are amazing and so much stronger than you probably even know! I am so sorry for all of your losses but you have wonderful things to look forward to.

[BanMethadone]

There is a reason why they go to meetings and say "I am so and so and I am an alcoholic" even when they've been clean for years. The addicted brain often has cravings even months after that last use. There is also a reason that they say "one day at a time" and that is because it's battle many have to fight everyday.

Know that each time you are exposed to any sensation, any memory, any environment or any feeling associated with your former drug use, that the neural representations of those things can be bound to neural representations of your drug of choice. Now if one is activated, the other can automatically be activated to causing the neural representation of the drug to rise above the Threshold of Awareness and surface from the back of your mind. It is brought into your working memory basically and what is in our working memory guides our actions.

This is why they say change your environment, change your friends, and even watch for all triggers. It's bc you will have to fight this battle over and over again.

Obviously, you are very good at this given all that has triggered you, yet you've maintained your sobriety. I say a big GRATZ to you bc you're a beast for resisting such powerful brain processes. The addicts brain feels that getting their drug is a matter of life and death while using. This is an incredibly strong impulse and what you are doing is amazing.

Do whatever it takes my friend. Stay strong and know that you will have to fight the cravings, but with distance, the cravings often can become less and less. First every second, then every minute, and gradually more and more time in between thinking about it you know.

You're not lost.. you're doing amazing. You've gone through some horrible things and you can say, like Elton John,"I'm still standing...yeah yeah yeah!"

You have got this! I can't wait to be where you are!