Aa
A new attitude
First, I want to thank everyone who has written/commented on my last few posts/journals. The last few days I have been depressed and down and not seeing how this would ever get better and I was making excuses for everything you guys said and advised. Today I have done a lot of thinking, and I realize how much I still have to learn and change. I went for a long walk along the ocean today with my good friend who had just gotten out of rehab. She helped me so much and put alot in perspective, as did everyone on here. I had myself thinking that I had this beat, that I had two weeks behind me and everything was fine and I can pretend like this never happened. I know how wrong this is now. The last three days i've been spending all day with my old using friends, people who actually had oxycontin on them, or were going to get it. I don't know why I would do this, it was so stupid and the temptations took over my head. I realize that to stay sober I need to make some major changes because I cannot continue doing the same things that I was doing while on oxycontin now because it just makes me think about it non stop. I think you all have been telling me this and I was just being stubborn. This is just all a major learning experience and I've never gone through something like this and just didn't know what to expect. I just wnat to say thanks to everyone here who has been patient with me and helped me. I feel much better today, I need to learn to roll with the ups and downs, start changing my lifestyle, and learn how to LISTEN to people who know lol. Thank you guys, i'm gonna keep working on this and trying because this is what I want and I am sorry if i annoyed anyone last night with my stubborness and posts.
10356,
I too hope work will help me and give me something to do. Especially because my mom leaves early tomorrow morning and I don't want to ruin everything i've worked for in these next few weeks and have to start over. I didn't know there were such things as online meetings but I will look into that. Thank you for always giving me advice.
windowsca,
Thank you so much, it;s crazy how much you are willing to help me, and it means so much. I understand my parents have their own lives and so I am on my own and am accountable for my own actions and this is fine i'm used to living like this and I like it because it has prepared me for people not to disappoint me because i have no expectations of them. I am not from southern cali, if you look at my pictures you will see where I am from but I don't want to announce it on here. Thank you for caring about me.
I too hope work will help me and give me something to do. Especially because my mom leaves early tomorrow morning and I don't want to ruin everything i've worked for in these next few weeks and have to start over. I didn't know there were such things as online meetings but I will look into that. Thank you for always giving me advice.
windowsca,
Thank you so much, it;s crazy how much you are willing to help me, and it means so much. I understand my parents have their own lives and so I am on my own and am accountable for my own actions and this is fine i'm used to living like this and I like it because it has prepared me for people not to disappoint me because i have no expectations of them. I am not from southern cali, if you look at my pictures you will see where I am from but I don't want to announce it on here. Thank you for caring about me.
Cassie.. I'm so very pleased that you feel this way.. I always did say you are intelligent. and I'm grateful you opened up to your friend.. Work starts soon and this will help put some distance between the friends that use.. Your lil sister is coming up behind you and she needs you making the right decisions.. You might try on line meetings ?? this is at least getting more support.. I understand being independent young.. just make sure you take advantage of what you are offered and concentrate on school work and your life.. a good fun clean life.. Big hugs.. lesa
Good. I believe you and thank you for not getting upset with the thought I've seen the incredibe "mood switch" be from relapse soooo many times with my son. It can be a red flag and if you do relapse it should just enforce that this can be tougher than you are. I also understand that there are parents out there that get too wrapped up in their own world to pay attention. I don't know where summer put you and I get it that the "tell your parents" plan won't work. How bout a grandparent, aunt, uncle or one of your friend's parents? I can maybe meet you for lunch at Beverly Center, Fashion Island or something if you're in the area or just get you set up with some of the stuff I did to help my son and see how it goes, but I do feel you need to have a responsible adult to keep you accountable. It had to be like practically impossible to stay clean around users for three days. Don't push your luck like that ever again!
I plan on and have always planned on being the kind of parent you are, that is understanding to people and the situations they can get themselves in.
I'm so torn on this issue. Like i don't really have parent -child relationships with them. I pretty much do as I want, my mother is mentally gone and doesn't notice anything. My father has a girlfriend and is always out at big events or flying on friends private planes to vacation. We have dinners twice a week but I never "go to him for help" and I haven't lived with him in years. So I do things on my own and I wouldn't know how to react having them like, I guess you could say, "take care of me,"? I don't know that just seems so strange, I have done everything in my life up until this point on my own, I have taught myself how to be self sufficient and never rely on ANYONE for help, but myself, and so I guess I don't know how to do what you're saying I should, and I don't know how it would feel. I don't like to ask for help or get too close to people, and I don't know how I could start asking now. (Although this website has helped me do it a bit) I feel like nobody owes me anything so why should I expect things from them? Maybe thats messed up but that is always how I have been since I can remember.
Also, you said you thought I was doing better today because I relapsed yesterday? BUt I did not relapse yesterday...
I'm so torn on this issue. Like i don't really have parent -child relationships with them. I pretty much do as I want, my mother is mentally gone and doesn't notice anything. My father has a girlfriend and is always out at big events or flying on friends private planes to vacation. We have dinners twice a week but I never "go to him for help" and I haven't lived with him in years. So I do things on my own and I wouldn't know how to react having them like, I guess you could say, "take care of me,"? I don't know that just seems so strange, I have done everything in my life up until this point on my own, I have taught myself how to be self sufficient and never rely on ANYONE for help, but myself, and so I guess I don't know how to do what you're saying I should, and I don't know how it would feel. I don't like to ask for help or get too close to people, and I don't know how I could start asking now. (Although this website has helped me do it a bit) I feel like nobody owes me anything so why should I expect things from them? Maybe thats messed up but that is always how I have been since I can remember.
Also, you said you thought I was doing better today because I relapsed yesterday? BUt I did not relapse yesterday...
Hi Cassie. Well, since I want you to be honest, I am going to be honest, but first I'll let you contemplate a few things. Your parents, having a 19 tear old, are most likely under 60. I, as you know have a 20 year old and I'm 50.
Next thought - That had your parents growing up in the sixties or later. Drugs are not a new concept for us. In my case, I've been completely honest about my entire life history with my kid. Some say this is a bad idea because it's condoning. I feel it's a good way of communicating the message "Look, I've made mistakes too. I don't expect you to learn from my mistakes, I want you to know I understand you also will make mistakes and you can trust me to be there for you instead of judging you". In the long run with my son, that very conversation, with him already knowing there was a time I used a lot of cocaine, was quite promiscuous, had affairs I shouldn't have and even a couple of abortions, caused our breakthrough conversation. Do not assume your parents don't get it just because they didn't divulge their past. I did and my kid still thought I wouldn't understand. You are old enough to start up a casual conversation with which ever parent you think will be more receptive to your intended admission, about his or her past and work into an . . . I have a big problem, I think I need your help. That's all you have to say. Only eleven words to spit out and four of them are only one letter! I can already tell you how it's going to go. He/She will give you the biggest hug you've every had in your life, you will both cry from sheer relief and you will be so much better off immediately. This is no time to be strong and think you can do it on your own. Why should you? You are only 19 years old and the way we raise our kids these days, you most likely are not as self-sufficient as you think. Also, you stop growing emotionally at the age you started using, so in some ways, you are still 16. I live in Beverly Hills, but work in OC three to four days a week. If there's anything I can do to help you, please just ask. But at the end of the day, you need to have that conversation. Now for the honesty part and you cannot judge me on this or get pissed off. I think you're doing better today because you did relapse. It's time to trust their love for you. You're still breathing, thank God, so take a deep breath and let's make a plan.
Next thought - That had your parents growing up in the sixties or later. Drugs are not a new concept for us. In my case, I've been completely honest about my entire life history with my kid. Some say this is a bad idea because it's condoning. I feel it's a good way of communicating the message "Look, I've made mistakes too. I don't expect you to learn from my mistakes, I want you to know I understand you also will make mistakes and you can trust me to be there for you instead of judging you". In the long run with my son, that very conversation, with him already knowing there was a time I used a lot of cocaine, was quite promiscuous, had affairs I shouldn't have and even a couple of abortions, caused our breakthrough conversation. Do not assume your parents don't get it just because they didn't divulge their past. I did and my kid still thought I wouldn't understand. You are old enough to start up a casual conversation with which ever parent you think will be more receptive to your intended admission, about his or her past and work into an . . . I have a big problem, I think I need your help. That's all you have to say. Only eleven words to spit out and four of them are only one letter! I can already tell you how it's going to go. He/She will give you the biggest hug you've every had in your life, you will both cry from sheer relief and you will be so much better off immediately. This is no time to be strong and think you can do it on your own. Why should you? You are only 19 years old and the way we raise our kids these days, you most likely are not as self-sufficient as you think. Also, you stop growing emotionally at the age you started using, so in some ways, you are still 16. I live in Beverly Hills, but work in OC three to four days a week. If there's anything I can do to help you, please just ask. But at the end of the day, you need to have that conversation. Now for the honesty part and you cannot judge me on this or get pissed off. I think you're doing better today because you did relapse. It's time to trust their love for you. You're still breathing, thank God, so take a deep breath and let's make a plan.
Thank you for the patience. I am learning a lot, but it is okay, I need to learn this stuff. I have always been stubborn because I like to think I know everything lol, but this is really something I don't know anything about and I need to listen.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am liking the new attitude Cassie!!!! Keep posting here........sara
Hi Cassie, I'm so happy that you took the time to spend some serious time thinking about this. It sounds like you have a very good and wise friend. Sometimes it is hard to leave our old using friends behind but guess who they are going to look up when they realize that thier life has become a mess. You will be clean and be able to help them. It sounds like you did some growing up lastnight. I am very proud of you:o) Corey
I have been doing oxycontin more so while I was away at school, I am back at home now for summer. I know I am trying to work on listening to everyone on here, but I think I am deathly scared to tell them. Maybe I can do it by myself? They just really don't know I do drugs. Since sophomore year of highschool I have been into some sort of drugs. Ironically, before sophomore year I was acting out, getting phone calls home from school, just a real brat. This was right after my parents divorced and so they chalked it up to that. However, once I started doing drugs- ecstacy and coke for the first two years, I somehow actually started doing BETTER in school and life, in fact, they thought I had finally cleaned up my act and have no idea what I was doing. I have never been caught, they have never voiced suspicion. I guess you could say I am very functioning and sneaky. All through thanksgiving and christmas break, spring break, and now summer break, I continued to use oxycontin right under my mother's nose. My family even came out for thanksgiving and complimented me on how well I was doing in life--even while I was sneaking to bathroom to do oxycontin. I think my mom would laugh and act as if I was kidding if I were to tell her this. I am friends with a "fast crowd" very social and lots of partying and they know that but they do not think I do drugs--I don't think they'd even consider it. Also, I would feel pathetic if my younger sister were to find out, because I have always acted as if I was very put together and functioning for her. Also, telling my parents would make this all so real and that is something I am still struggling with. A part of me is like, you can do this and just keep staying away from it and you will stay sober--no need to get family involved and burden them with it. This might be wrongful thinking? I don't know, I have realized I don't really know anything anymore lol, I feel like my head is always trying to trick me lol. But I have always been independent child, very on my own, make decisions by myself, and they consider me to be like this. It would crush my whole family I think. I don't know how to explain it. My thoughts are a bit scattered on this issue right now, so I apologize if I sound a bit all over the place.
Hi Baby. I think you're making a mistake in not telling your parents. Let's go back to the thought on cancer. If you had cancer would you be afraid to tell them? What makes you think for one second, this is different? Both will kill you. You have nothing to be ashamed of. This is not something you went out looking for, even if it was recreational use that got out of hand, it is what it is and you will have a MUCH easier time of this with the emotional and maybe even financial help they can give. Read the article link I sent earlier and understand why this is so hard.
Regarding parents, this is a post I have on JT808 who was afraid to tell his parents and decided he needed to have their help . . .
JT, Good choice sweetie. You've got parents for a reason. In many ways, you cannot outgrow your parents and never, ever underestimate how deep the love for a child is-in the long run, you can almost do no wrong. As the song goes "It's a love without end, Amen"
Being both, someone's child and someone's mother, (sorry mom and dad) I can say without hesitation - I love my kid more. I'm sure either of my parents would say the same. It's a natural chain. Let it go and let them help. For most, thank God, it's all we, as parents, want.
I knew my son was in trouble, months before he admitted it and he REALLY didn't want to tell me. Even when he knew it was all he had left. In the long run, he has figured out, that besides God, there is no one in the entire universe who has his best interest at heart like I do (his dad died when he was nine, hence I instead of we). On that note, as parents, we would literally die for you. Trust us to be strong enough. Trust me - if we wanted to outlive you, it would have happened when you were about 16 :o) Good luck!
Cassie, unless your parents are far away and you're out here just for school, and most likely even if they are far away, they know SOMETHING is up. Your decision to not talk, is much more agonizing than knowing, for your parents. I don't know a parent on the face of the earth, worthy of the title, that would not help their child through this and the one's that give up, as I stated earlier, just haven't taken the time to understand opiates. I do suspect you're in So Cal and I'm not a stalker or anything, I just want you to be OK and graduate and be a mom and keep you dreams alive. You have to tell them or have someone else tell them if that seems earier as an initail step.. What do you think they'll say? What can I do to help?
Regarding parents, this is a post I have on JT808 who was afraid to tell his parents and decided he needed to have their help . . .
JT, Good choice sweetie. You've got parents for a reason. In many ways, you cannot outgrow your parents and never, ever underestimate how deep the love for a child is-in the long run, you can almost do no wrong. As the song goes "It's a love without end, Amen"
Being both, someone's child and someone's mother, (sorry mom and dad) I can say without hesitation - I love my kid more. I'm sure either of my parents would say the same. It's a natural chain. Let it go and let them help. For most, thank God, it's all we, as parents, want.
I knew my son was in trouble, months before he admitted it and he REALLY didn't want to tell me. Even when he knew it was all he had left. In the long run, he has figured out, that besides God, there is no one in the entire universe who has his best interest at heart like I do (his dad died when he was nine, hence I instead of we). On that note, as parents, we would literally die for you. Trust us to be strong enough. Trust me - if we wanted to outlive you, it would have happened when you were about 16 :o) Good luck!
Cassie, unless your parents are far away and you're out here just for school, and most likely even if they are far away, they know SOMETHING is up. Your decision to not talk, is much more agonizing than knowing, for your parents. I don't know a parent on the face of the earth, worthy of the title, that would not help their child through this and the one's that give up, as I stated earlier, just haven't taken the time to understand opiates. I do suspect you're in So Cal and I'm not a stalker or anything, I just want you to be OK and graduate and be a mom and keep you dreams alive. You have to tell them or have someone else tell them if that seems earier as an initail step.. What do you think they'll say? What can I do to help?
BTW your perspective and attitude from a parent's standpoint is very encouraging and understanding. Your son is very very lucky to have you!
Thank you. You are right, I had two weeks and thought I could go back to hanging with people who were doing it and were on it and it ruined all the positive changes I was trying to make and all I was thinking was if they can do it, so can I. You are very right about the severity of the prescription drug problem. I have witnessed it first hand with myself and many others. Ambien, xanax, vicodin, oxycontin--those are the new drugs, and everyone I know is prescribed them or doing them. I have not told my parents, and I am not going too because I could never bring myself to do it. I think i'd start throwing up from nerves before I could ever drop such a bomb on them. It's like I have a double life, so I am working on this by myself and with the help of some of my friends and the people on here. Thank you for the kind words.
Yeah!! You had me worried last night little girl! Last nights comment was written from my Blackberry while riding in a car (hence the major misspellings) and I couldn't see your profile, hence the questions.
You're only 19.
Where are your parents and what is their attitude regarding your situation? Do they know? I have been battling this problem with my 20 yr old son (if you're close to Newport Beach you may know him -opiates are a huge problem here) for two years and he's doing fine now, but my own ignorance about how opiates work was a huge part of why it took so long for my son to get better. I have also, in the last few days, talked to a few of his friends that are still in deep and for the most part, their parents, through lack of understanding this drug, have not gone about making good decisions to help their kids, ultimately giving up. If this is the case with your parents, send them this article,
http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Addiction/Fighting-relapseDopamine-and-addiction/show/309?cid=66 ;
which is from the health pages and explains very well why this is not because you aren't trying hard enough - it's not not you they need to understand. It's Opiates. You all need to get educated on how they work. If you had cancer, you wouldn't just research cancer. You'd research the type of cancer you have. As far as parents thinking someone as young as you, will have to figure this out, hit bottom or whatever they want to call it. Get REAL People! If your child had just had , say major surgery and was heavily sedated on morphine would you abandon them, would you think they could make a rational decision? Of course not! This is no different. These kids are exposed to a barrage of drug commercials on TV, their own parents using drugs to get through everything from depression to high cholesterol and it's become an acceptable mind set for them. I'll never forget something my son said to me a few years ago when he was 16 or 17. It was obvious he was high and finally admitted to me that he had taken a Xanax. He said, with such a serious tone "It's not like it's illegal or anything (referring to street drugs) it's from a prescription". At this point in time, our kids have grown up with a-pill-fixes-everything mentality. We better not leave them high (no pun intended) and dry when we helped create the problem and when they need us like they were babies again. Even if they say every thing's fine and they have it under control, it's no excuse. Get them through this! Parenting NEVER ends. I've seen enough death from this to last a lifetime and there is absolutely no reason for that. This isn't cancer, it can be fixed, and more or different drugs IS NOT THE ANSWER!
Cassie, you hang in there and be the change you wish to see. Don't forget to stay away from other users at all cost even when you are feeling so alone or like you're through the hard part and think you can help them. Until you have a LOT of time in a new way of living, you will not be safe. They will suck you back in so fast, it will make your head spin. Take care sweetie.
You're only 19.
Where are your parents and what is their attitude regarding your situation? Do they know? I have been battling this problem with my 20 yr old son (if you're close to Newport Beach you may know him -opiates are a huge problem here) for two years and he's doing fine now, but my own ignorance about how opiates work was a huge part of why it took so long for my son to get better. I have also, in the last few days, talked to a few of his friends that are still in deep and for the most part, their parents, through lack of understanding this drug, have not gone about making good decisions to help their kids, ultimately giving up. If this is the case with your parents, send them this article,
http://www.medhelp.org/health_pages/Addiction/Fighting-relapseDopamine-and-addiction/show/309?cid=66 ;
which is from the health pages and explains very well why this is not because you aren't trying hard enough - it's not not you they need to understand. It's Opiates. You all need to get educated on how they work. If you had cancer, you wouldn't just research cancer. You'd research the type of cancer you have. As far as parents thinking someone as young as you, will have to figure this out, hit bottom or whatever they want to call it. Get REAL People! If your child had just had , say major surgery and was heavily sedated on morphine would you abandon them, would you think they could make a rational decision? Of course not! This is no different. These kids are exposed to a barrage of drug commercials on TV, their own parents using drugs to get through everything from depression to high cholesterol and it's become an acceptable mind set for them. I'll never forget something my son said to me a few years ago when he was 16 or 17. It was obvious he was high and finally admitted to me that he had taken a Xanax. He said, with such a serious tone "It's not like it's illegal or anything (referring to street drugs) it's from a prescription". At this point in time, our kids have grown up with a-pill-fixes-everything mentality. We better not leave them high (no pun intended) and dry when we helped create the problem and when they need us like they were babies again. Even if they say every thing's fine and they have it under control, it's no excuse. Get them through this! Parenting NEVER ends. I've seen enough death from this to last a lifetime and there is absolutely no reason for that. This isn't cancer, it can be fixed, and more or different drugs IS NOT THE ANSWER!
Cassie, you hang in there and be the change you wish to see. Don't forget to stay away from other users at all cost even when you are feeling so alone or like you're through the hard part and think you can help them. Until you have a LOT of time in a new way of living, you will not be safe. They will suck you back in so fast, it will make your head spin. Take care sweetie.
Thank you so much! I feel like i've learned more in the last two weeks then in the last two years lol. Thank you.
I have goose bumps and you could never annoy me...I have been in your shoes and it took me years to listen, when I didn't have to go through all that pain.
I have learned to listen to those who have gone before me and it is the basis of my recovery.
I am so happy for you and pray that you stay on track. Make those changes and get into an aftercare program...you will be happy with the results. You will be happy to meet the new and clean YOU. I am sure there is a beautiful person under that drug use, so let her out and live your life. You are young and have so much ahead of you. I wish you the very best and hope you stick around for yourself and to help others.
Big hugs....
I have learned to listen to those who have gone before me and it is the basis of my recovery.
I am so happy for you and pray that you stay on track. Make those changes and get into an aftercare program...you will be happy with the results. You will be happy to meet the new and clean YOU. I am sure there is a beautiful person under that drug use, so let her out and live your life. You are young and have so much ahead of you. I wish you the very best and hope you stick around for yourself and to help others.
Big hugs....
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