Aa
Addicted medical professional
I've been on this site awhile now, lurking and trying to taper. I'm down to 30mg of hydros a day, but I take pieces often because I can't seem to make it more than 3 hours. I've tried CT before, only to cave after about a week because of anxiety issues, which I currently take Zoloft for and a low dose Xanax, as needed. I don't take Xanax during the day because it makes me sleepy. I only use it in emergencies, which isn't often because the Zoloft keeps attacks at bay............until I try to get off the hydros.
I'm 35 years old and became addicted about 2 years ago. They were prescribed, at first, but then I started buying them from a friend. The friend has since moved away, so my supply is cut, you would think. In actuality, it's not cut because the kicker is that I'm in the pharmacy business. I have never stolen pills from my job in the 10 years I've been there, but I can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind since my supply is gone. Yes. I know I could go to jail. I know I could lose my license. I know I could lose my child. I know I could lose EVERYTHING, but the addict in me may be stupid enough to chance that.
So, here's the deal. I'm going to try this CT thing again starting tomorrow. I have plenty left for a taper, but as I said, the taper is just not working. I have 6 days off and my child will be in school until Friday, so I will be alone most of the day until the weekend. I have supplies, but it's my mind I'm worried bout. I'm scared of the darkside that always ***** me back in.
My questions for you all are: Almost every post talks about "cutting off your supply". What if you can't? Even if I don't swipe some here and there from my job, I know plenty of people whom I can buy them from, BECAUSE of my job. I know what everyone in this town takes. It's very easy to gain access. Also, what about aftercare? Because of my career and what it entails, even if there were meetings/therapists, I couldn't go. I'd lose my license/salary/education and I have worked too hard for them. It's all I know how to do. Plus, I have a child to support. I imagine it's much like an alcoholic working in a liquor store, except I've spent nearly 6 figures on my education. I can't give it up! How do alcoholics get sober when they have access to alcohol?
I'm open to any suggestions. I am flushing my stash tonight after work. I can get through the physical stuff. I have before. Now, if I can only work on my head. Please give me advice. Again, I know I could lose everything if I steal from work, so you don't have to remind me, but there's other outlets for me to get what I want, if I wanted.
I've really gotten myself in a pickle........... :(
I'm 35 years old and became addicted about 2 years ago. They were prescribed, at first, but then I started buying them from a friend. The friend has since moved away, so my supply is cut, you would think. In actuality, it's not cut because the kicker is that I'm in the pharmacy business. I have never stolen pills from my job in the 10 years I've been there, but I can't say that it hasn't crossed my mind since my supply is gone. Yes. I know I could go to jail. I know I could lose my license. I know I could lose my child. I know I could lose EVERYTHING, but the addict in me may be stupid enough to chance that.
So, here's the deal. I'm going to try this CT thing again starting tomorrow. I have plenty left for a taper, but as I said, the taper is just not working. I have 6 days off and my child will be in school until Friday, so I will be alone most of the day until the weekend. I have supplies, but it's my mind I'm worried bout. I'm scared of the darkside that always ***** me back in.
My questions for you all are: Almost every post talks about "cutting off your supply". What if you can't? Even if I don't swipe some here and there from my job, I know plenty of people whom I can buy them from, BECAUSE of my job. I know what everyone in this town takes. It's very easy to gain access. Also, what about aftercare? Because of my career and what it entails, even if there were meetings/therapists, I couldn't go. I'd lose my license/salary/education and I have worked too hard for them. It's all I know how to do. Plus, I have a child to support. I imagine it's much like an alcoholic working in a liquor store, except I've spent nearly 6 figures on my education. I can't give it up! How do alcoholics get sober when they have access to alcohol?
I'm open to any suggestions. I am flushing my stash tonight after work. I can get through the physical stuff. I have before. Now, if I can only work on my head. Please give me advice. Again, I know I could lose everything if I steal from work, so you don't have to remind me, but there's other outlets for me to get what I want, if I wanted.
I've really gotten myself in a pickle........... :(
Best Answer
Hi Ashka,
I too am in the business so to speak. I am a paramedic, and I have been where you are. Lots of opportunities to steal, and I have thought about it many times when I was addicted. I went cold turkey and cut off all sources. Since I have never crossed that line and stolen from others, my doc, pharma, dentist and family all knowing has been the absolute key for me. And now, being 80 days clean, the craving is still there but it turns more into a whisper then a shout everyday. I still see a fat bottle of hydros and cringe, drool, you know . . .but I have more then ever the ability to walk away and protect my clean time. I am accountable to others now, not just myself. . .another key if you ask me. Stealing has never been one of your sources, so cut off the rest. Worry about stealing when all of the others are shut down and your feeling it. I think you can make it, I know that feeling.
Bryan
I too am in the business so to speak. I am a paramedic, and I have been where you are. Lots of opportunities to steal, and I have thought about it many times when I was addicted. I went cold turkey and cut off all sources. Since I have never crossed that line and stolen from others, my doc, pharma, dentist and family all knowing has been the absolute key for me. And now, being 80 days clean, the craving is still there but it turns more into a whisper then a shout everyday. I still see a fat bottle of hydros and cringe, drool, you know . . .but I have more then ever the ability to walk away and protect my clean time. I am accountable to others now, not just myself. . .another key if you ask me. Stealing has never been one of your sources, so cut off the rest. Worry about stealing when all of the others are shut down and your feeling it. I think you can make it, I know that feeling.
Bryan
You know how long CT WD's last. You need someone with you 24/7 while you're detoxing. A friend, a VERY sympathetic friend. Someone stronger than you. Someone who will not take anything you say or do to heart. Someone who will tie your wrists to the bedposts if necessary. You need someone to pat you down with a wet cloth when yiu get the sweats. Someone who will stay with you until you're totally detoxed. If you have to pay this someone to stay with you 24/7, do it.
Quit blaming yourself for failing in this attempt. You have let no one here down. You did very well by knowing it was your time to quit. You need time off of work. Even if it jeopardizes your job, you need time off so you can detox your system properly without the added stress of a time limit. Like you've said, it's just a matter of time you'll lose not only that job, but all future work at your profession anyway. Fake a serious back injury if necessary. Tell your doctor you slipped at home and you can't sleep without waking up in serious neck pain. Tell him/her you have to get right out of bed and sit in an easy chair to get any relief. You work in a pharmacy, you know what will work with a local doctor.
You'll need a sponsor once the detox is done. If you have to go 60/70 miles and four/five towns over, do it. If you have to pay the sponsor to come to you, do it. No amount of money can even begin to replace what you risk losing permanently. You can and will kick this thing. Others have done it, so we have proof of that. I am in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. If I can be of any assistance from here, let me know. If you had a way to get here, I would monitor your detox myself. Good luck and please do not be hard on yourself for not winning this one battle. It's the war we are interested in. Best wishes.
Quit blaming yourself for failing in this attempt. You have let no one here down. You did very well by knowing it was your time to quit. You need time off of work. Even if it jeopardizes your job, you need time off so you can detox your system properly without the added stress of a time limit. Like you've said, it's just a matter of time you'll lose not only that job, but all future work at your profession anyway. Fake a serious back injury if necessary. Tell your doctor you slipped at home and you can't sleep without waking up in serious neck pain. Tell him/her you have to get right out of bed and sit in an easy chair to get any relief. You work in a pharmacy, you know what will work with a local doctor.
You'll need a sponsor once the detox is done. If you have to go 60/70 miles and four/five towns over, do it. If you have to pay the sponsor to come to you, do it. No amount of money can even begin to replace what you risk losing permanently. You can and will kick this thing. Others have done it, so we have proof of that. I am in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. If I can be of any assistance from here, let me know. If you had a way to get here, I would monitor your detox myself. Good luck and please do not be hard on yourself for not winning this one battle. It's the war we are interested in. Best wishes.
Here you go then; get praying:
Dear Lord,
You know the temptations that I am facing today. But your Word promises that I will not be tempted beyond what I can bear. I ask for your strength to stand up under the temptation whenever I encounter it. Your Word also tells me you will provide a way out of the temptation. Please, Lord, give me the wisdom to walk away when I am tempted, and the clarity to see the way out that you will provide. Thank you, God, that you are a faithful deliverer and that I can count on your help in my time of need.
Amen
:-)
Dear Lord,
You know the temptations that I am facing today. But your Word promises that I will not be tempted beyond what I can bear. I ask for your strength to stand up under the temptation whenever I encounter it. Your Word also tells me you will provide a way out of the temptation. Please, Lord, give me the wisdom to walk away when I am tempted, and the clarity to see the way out that you will provide. Thank you, God, that you are a faithful deliverer and that I can count on your help in my time of need.
Amen
:-)
I have a strong faith in God, but I admit that I haven't prayed much about the addiction because I'm ashamed and know that I got myself here and should suffer to get myself out. I know I should lean on Him the most right now. I have everything to fight for. I just hope I can really realize it. I feel like I've wasted this time off and now I have no more days until next year.
I'll have to check into therapy in surrounding cities. There are none here. I also dont have insurance because I work for an independent pharmacy. I wouldn't want to file it anyway for fear of being found out. Ugh. It's all so complicated. It sounds like I'm making excuses for myself, but I promise I'm not.
I'll have to check into therapy in surrounding cities. There are none here. I also dont have insurance because I work for an independent pharmacy. I wouldn't want to file it anyway for fear of being found out. Ugh. It's all so complicated. It sounds like I'm making excuses for myself, but I promise I'm not.
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Tons of great comments....
Yes when you're new cut off all supplies..when I was detoxing I was feeling anxious as well,,,,I said to myself...." Cmon try the sober way,....if it suxs then my misery will gladly be refunded"
So I started saying,,,"just for today" I want to be clean.....kept it simple...
As you stay clean,,,you will come to realize and love yourself to the point where the idea of setting a match to your life and torching it is out of the question,,,
But our logical minds have little defense against the power and stealth of the drugs,,,we seem to only remember how good we felt,,all warm and fuzzy,,,,
Play the using tape in your head all the way through,,,,,,
Mine goes::: Using... then .....guilt....counting pills...cutting pills in half...budgeting pills....countdown till refill,,,,anxiety when running low......panic when down to last one....self loathing...alienation from family/friends,,,,putting everything second to the drugs...nto eating...cancelling plans because im out of pills,......hating my life and what I represent.....etc......
your tape will of course be different,,,,
rooting for ya
Free~