Any Advice - Partner and Cocaine

[cat0817]

Hi, I have just signed up and im not really sure if this is going to be any help.
I have been with my partner for 4 years and have a beautiful daughter together and a son from my previous relationship.
He has been using cocaine on nights out since before I was with him and is now seeing a councellor (sp?) once a week for his problems.
Trouble is councelling is not working and he is using more and more. His moods are up and dow within minutes and I cant seem to do anything right or to help him. Its at the stage where he is blaming me and our relationship is possibly over. He is abusive verbaly and physically but this is always a few days after taking it. I have tried everything to make him realise im doing nothing wrong and his addiction is messing him up but he just thinks its me.

What can I do to help.  ???/

Thanks

[jodijodijodi]

I have been adddicted to cocaine in the past, and am about three years clean. One thing you must be aware of is that HE WILL NOT QUIT FOR YOU. He needs to want to do it for HIMSELF. My husband and I went thru alot, lost our kids for a while and fought like hell to get them back. Both of us were addicted, it took the temporary loss of our children (and therefore our whole life) to slap us in the face and motivate us to quit. The kids are back home now, they were gone for six months and that's the hardest thing I have ever lived thru. You need to get away from this guy until he smartens up....perhaps losing his family for a while would be a wake up call....take your kids and get out while you still can. There is something called "cocaine psychosis" that you should be concerned about. If you do not leave, he may hurt you or the kids some day, and not even realize what he is doing.  Honey, that's not love if he is treating you and your kids this way. You can't help him until he decides to help himself. Good luck with everything.

[cat0817]

Thanks and your right I am inlove and prob also a little in denial.
Seems like you have had some pretty tough situations in your life too sorry to hear that.
I just pray every single day that he will realise hes wrong and im not 'out to get him' im being truthful to him but because his head is not straight he cant see it. I think I now know in this situation he isnt going to realise it either and I must leave for all our sakes no matter how much it breaks my heart.
Seems like he is the one doing all the wrong and im the one suffering and trying to keep everything together. I worry about the kids about him. I forget to worry about myself.
He can honestly be the nicest person you could ever meet and thats what im inlove with but the slightest wrong word or look and he flips.
I cant live like this and my children do deserve better your right.

Lets hope I have the physical strength to actually get up and leave cus one look at him and my eyes well up my heart sinks and not matter how mean he speaks I just wanna hold him and help.

[trdofbeingtrd]

I am sorry to say this, and I am not going to post on here after this. If you want to talk to me, please message.

You are in denial, you are in love with him, and you are putting yourself and HIM in danger by staying.

I am not telling you to leave him for good. I am saying that as long as you stay, he will use, period. His family needs to be given a call or letter from you explaining why you are leaving for now and to have him tested. This is a very serious situation. Addicts this far gone, don't just come back until something drastic is done. When a man can physically hurt his family (although screaming fits are not good either) because of a drug, that is the point where it gets extremely dangerous.

You say you won't be back with him if you leave, this is you being love and denial. If you left, and he got and stayed clean, then you two can live a happy life. I am telling you the truth here from the bottom of my heart, having been there and done that with my ex, if you don't leave, it's only going to end bad, for everyone. You will continue to be abused until you are in a wheelchair or in the ground, he will continue to use until he is in prison or in the ground, and while you can get your children out of the house now, they will pay the worst price.

My mom, my sister, and I were abused by a man addicted to alcohol, and your man is addicted to cocaine. Do yourself a favor if you haven't already, read up on what cocaine does to addicts. It is cold, ugly, and deadly to anyone around.

I am sorry for being harsh and blunt, and others can come and give you their advice, you can follow it. I am saying what I am saying because I honestly believe it after living it more than once with family/ex lovers.

I hope the best for you and your children.

[cat0817]

I honestly protect the children from it as much as possible. They really dont see much of him at all, when hes in he is lay on the couch because he feels that rough or hes at work, gym or pub.
Two nights ago I thought he was at rehersal and he got in came straight over to me gave me a big love saying sorry sorry. I could tell he had been taking coke within seconds of looking at his face. He was almost crying saying I cant help it anymore I wanna stop ive been to the pub taking it.
I talked all night with him, couldnt sleep. He was telling me to call an ambulance and saying somethings wrong help, I could tell it was in his head and for attention. Then he was saying theres an unwanted presence in the room with us and getting all scared about that. These nights always scare me but im there for him, then couple days later he hits out and its all my fault, im the psychotic one and hes only been worse since me all the usual nasty things.

[cat0817]

He says to his family and friends that if he was happy at home he wouldnt feel the need to go to the pub and thats what makes him take coke. I know that he will never be happy at home because he is constantly craving it and soon as he knows there is one of his friends out he has to be there. All and I mean ALL his friends take coke. His family believe whatever he says too which isnt helping. Im at a real loss with this I honestly dont know whats best. I know getting out for the kids yes, and I think I may have to take us to my parents for a while, but I mean for our relationship n helping him.

[IBKleen]

To be honest, I don't think you are thinking clearly. Without help, it will not get better and the violence could escalate. A detox facility is not going to help him, in my opinion, he needs in-patient treatment, the longer the better. You can't get him there so if you plan on staying please be good to yourself and the children. It is your job to protect them so please be aware of what is going on in the house when he is in his "mood".

You deserve a better life and so do the children. I hope you make the right decision if he can't.

These are the saddest of all posts.....

[cat0817]

He gets his money from wages. We have a good income but always struggle to pay for the necessities and money goes on him going to the pub and buying coke.

[cat0817]

Thank you so much for getting back to me. I really dont have anyone that I can talk to. My family are naturally very one-sided and just say right leave him and to be honest its not what I need off them. I have tried talking to his family and they are being fed a web of lies from him and no matter how much I try to explain he twists the truth constantly and it just makes thigs worse. So thank you.  I have tried telling him after speaking to my nurse that he needs more help and asked him to speak to his doctor about going to an inpatient detox stay and hes been to his mum today told her he uses because of me and she has told him not to be silly he doesnt need to go to the doctors and she will go to councelling with him.
You are right about the kids though this is the main thing that is worrying me and honestly the only reason I havent left is because I know we wont all get back together if I do. Might sound selfish but if he gets the right help now atleast the kids are going to have us all together in the long run.
Maybe im not thinking straight.

[trdofbeingtrd]

This is a serious issue and it will only get worse for everyone. It is time to put your foot down and regardless if it's in a "safe house" or a family members house, until he stops, you need to go.

I am not saying this lightly, I can't stand it when people tell others to LEAVE another person. This is different. As evilways said, the children do not need to be there. Specifically because of the physical violence, this makes it where YOU don't need to be there.

I don't know if you have found it yet or not, but there is an abuse community on this site and women (and some men of course) can let you know information about all of this.

If it was only the addiction being the problem, I wouldn't recommend you leaving, sometimes addicts NEED support to get through and away from what they are abusing, this is far different. You need to go, this does not mean he cannot change, this does not mean you cannot be with him once he is clean and STAYS clean (drugs tests are a b****, but they keep people in line).

If you stay, and I am sorry if I sound harsh, you are putting yourself and your children in danger. I very much understand it's not that easy and it's not that black and white........but it is a serious issue that you need to deal with.

If anyone disagrees with what I am saying, please let her know why you disagree. This isn't about who is right or wrong with advice, it is about her getting help she needs.

[evilways]

P.s. Im sorry for so many spelling errors! I am at work and trying to type very quickly, im really not a lark!

[evilways]

Oh Honey, First, as I am sure you already have, remind yourself that YOU ARENT TO BLAME. You are not to blame whatsoever for his cocaine use and you are not the reason he uses. I am a 24 yo Female and I am struggling with addiction to narcotic pain medicine. The first thing I HAVE to say is that if he is being abusive towards you verbally and physically you HAVE to get yourself and your children away from the situation. Your BF will say he hates you, he will scream at you, he will threaten to never see you again, But your kids come first. They don’t need to be around this. I wont preach on that fact.
Look, He uses cocaine because he is ADDCITED to it. The chemicals in the drug have wired his brain to believe he CANNOT survive without using it. When he is coming down is brain is panicking and urgently telling him he needs more. He becomes violent and agitated because by all accounts his brain is working against him. It is WONDERFUL that he is in counseling, but if it is not working, it sounds like he needs to go into an Inpatient detox stay. I know it can be hard or impossible to  miss work in order to do this, but there are things that can be done and It is the BEST way to get clean and stay clean. Don’t blame yourself for what has happened. It isn’t your fault. No matter what happens or what he says please always remember that for whatever reason he started using, he KEEPS using because he is addicted. Not because of anything you do. Most importantly, remove your kids from the situation. These things leave scars and they are counting on you to protect them. Good luck to you and Keep the strength. Also check out support groups for yourself as well. There are many available for spouses of addicts and it helps more than you over know!

[IBKleen]

Hi Cat & Welcome,

Counseling won't help unless he participates in it 100%. It is near impossible to go to counseling, try and get to the root of the problem, and still use. There is turmoil going on there with him.

Know that it is not you. It is real easy to blame someone else---it takes the focus off of him. As addicts we are masters of this.

There is not much you can do for him until he is ready to stop. Screaming, threatening, etc. doesn't work with us. It often times takes hitting a bottom and losing things around us that are precious in order to turn things around. It sounds like right now there are no consequences for his actions so he has no reason to stop.

If you don't mind my asking, where is he getting the money to feed his habit?