Aa
Anybody still awake?
Just wondering if anyone is still here, just getting home.
I'm awake..I cant sleep..today is my daughter Tinkas 18th birthday and she passed away 3 years ago..so it's been a bad mothers day and just an all around bad week...
OMG im sorry to hear that! That really has to be hard, especially around mothers day. I dont know what else to say...........its not like its going to help.........
Oh I am so very sorry.....cannot even imagine how much pain you have. My thoughts and prayers are with you!!
Pam
Pam
Thank ya'll so much...She suffered so much that I know she's in a better place..Without my faith I would'nt deal with it...She had a brain tumor since she was 3..After 7 surgerys to remove it she was doing better...She had to have a shunt re-placement and the Dr. sent her home with a bloodclot..Needless to say she was gone in 4 days...I have her story from the newspaper if you'de like to read it...
http://www.theeagle.com/region/localregional/112703donarstory.php
http://www.theeagle.com/region/localregional/112703donarstory.php
(((hug))) i am sooo very sorry to hear that, i know it doesn't take away your pain, but we all care. are you going thru w/d's on top of everything else too?
YES..I just started..I was on Vics (Norcos) about 7 a day and the Duregisic Patches 100mcg every 48 hours..I have had 6 back surgeries and I finally told my doc last week I WANT OFF..So Shes helping me but I'm in alot of pain...Mentally and physically too...
that sure is alot to deal with, i went cold turkey from vics, percs, and methadone, i was up to taking at the most 15 a day. what day are you on?
Still awake, first time online today so I'm going to your earlier post to me right now k?
xoxo- D.
xoxo- D.
ya I'm still awake after a breif moment of falling a sleep writing a post that had about 7 pages of ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo...
Im on day 2 off the Norco but I'm still wearing the patch..so that's helping with the w/d part of it...but iI have one more patch left so I know I'm in trouble..The Dr. said she could help me but I told her I wanted to do this alone..I'm tired of waking up with Pills on the brain and going to sleep with Pills on the brain..I eat sleep and live for them damn pills..It's killing me...I have let this take over my life for years now...I have dealt with w/d from running out of pills to soon so I know it's going to be hard but this time I want to get off them and before I wanted them..Hell I even used them for depression..Them pills were like speed for me....With pills I would clean cook run errands you name it I could do it,,,but when they were gone I was in bed crying and on the phone lookin for them...
ya I'm am so sorry to hear about your daugter. although this doesn't even compair I lost my mother to cancer myself about two years ago and mothers day is hard for me too but once again doesn't even compair, I was supposed to bury my mother but not as young am. but shouldn't have to bury your children. I just but my first forum a couple before this after being here for two months. so I finally pop my cherry
Hunny I understand the momma thing too..My mom passed Oct.10,2000..and Tinka Nov.8 2003...My mom fought a long battle with Oak-cell cancer...She was 48 when I lost her..So my heart goes out to you also..I think if Momma was here this whole battle with pills wouldn't be so hard but like I said I have used these things to medicate everything in my life...I wanna wakeup and get outta bed and walk outside and feel the sun on my face for the first time drugfree..I know this sounds so small to some ppl but I dream about it..I know I sound crazy...
what I was trying to say before mothers day is also very hard for me also. Do you have any other children?
ya you sound just like me! we don't really realize it until it's too late that they have taken over our lives. I hope that you feel better soon : )
You know what..I think this time I can do it..Expecially since I found this site..I just love it..I have been coming here for weeks just reading the posts and the support ppl get and give on here is amazing...I might not be able to get off here when I do start to w/d but at least I know I'm not alone...
Yes I have a 17 yr old daughter and I also have a grandson who is 5 months old..They are my everything..They give me reason to want this soberity...My grandbaby has givin me new hope..Not that Heather hasn't but she's got her own life and doesn't deal with hard times easy...
I know there is never anything anyone can say or do and I have spoken with lady sundown about this but not in the forum b/c I just haven't been comfortable posting it here but sometimes it can help to know someone who might be able to relate. A little over 3 years ago I lost my daughter. I held her in my arms while she died. I have a daughter who is 3 years old as of january, she was a twin and it is terribly hard to celebrate her b-day and mother's day.My family and husband have been absolutely amazing though. It was that day that she dies that I was put on xanax and that was the period of time that I abused my meds and was always getting early refills. Anxiety runs in my mothers side of the family, especially the women. They have all ended up on xanax at some point in their life. I have lost a lot (and I mean a lot) of people close to me and always close together but their is nothing worse than the loss of a child for a mother, research has actually been done in this area for years and it is thought to be proven that there is no worse loss. My mother was a twin and her twin died at birth, my mon is the only female of 5 children. I am an only child (did not have a twin) then I got pregnant with twins, both girls. I lost my baby girl not long after she was born and she suffered the entire time. I would NEVER presume to understand how you or anyone else feels b/c we all experience things differently but mother to mother you never should have had to go through that and I am truly, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. If you ever want to talk I am here.
xoxo- D.
xoxo- D.
Thank you so much...It does make things easier when someone actually knows how I feel...My hubby was killed in Desert Storm in 1993..Now with him gone and my momma and TinkaI have a hard time without pills and Ativan 4mg. a day..I have bad panic attacks and I have a deadly fear of Death..I watch over my daughter thats here way more then I should..I get on her nerves and shes always mad at me over it...NOw it's moved to my grandbaby and she's threatning to move away if I dont give her some breathing room..Can you tell me how to do that..Can anyone...I feel like I'm going out of control...Pills..Death..I just dont know how much more I can take...
I think it's great that you can openly talk about it I think that is the best medication.
But tell me if anyone thinks I'm crazy cause my family does. I found my mother dead, and I didn't cry and as a matter of fact I've only cried four times about it in the past 2 1/2 years except when I'm drunk, but when it comes to a movie, song, even comercial I'll cry like a baby. Yet in the past 7 years I've had 16 friends and family members die and I hardley every cry for myself the only time I cry is when I talk to people that were really close with them that I cry and it's because I cry cause they are sad not because of my own sadness. Am I crazy?
But tell me if anyone thinks I'm crazy cause my family does. I found my mother dead, and I didn't cry and as a matter of fact I've only cried four times about it in the past 2 1/2 years except when I'm drunk, but when it comes to a movie, song, even comercial I'll cry like a baby. Yet in the past 7 years I've had 16 friends and family members die and I hardley every cry for myself the only time I cry is when I talk to people that were really close with them that I cry and it's because I cry cause they are sad not because of my own sadness. Am I crazy?
Oh hunny your not crazy..I dont cry at all and maybe that's my problem..my shrink says I havn't dealt with my loss yet and maybe thats whats going on with you...everyone deals with death in there own way..and I promise your not crazy..One day when you least expect it you'll break down and not even know why...you'll feel like the world has been lifted off your sholders...I promise...But no your not crazy...
Thank all of you that took your time to chat with me..I'm going to bed now..My med.s have kicked in and maybe I can go to sleep..I will be back on tomorrow..I love this site....
Sabrina, there's never any easy way to "give them breathing room." And they just can't understand right now. I cried like a baby this past january on my daughter's b-day and she's only 3 so she doesn't understand why she is seeing mommy cry, someone she has never seen cry before, someone who is always strong and fearless. She was distraught when I cried and my 3 year old sat next to me on her b-day and hugged and kissed me and carressed my face telling me it's ok mommy, it's okay. I have never been a crier, I really think I am lacking estrogen that most women have I've never been an emotional person or easily attached to anyone or anything (hell, it took over 7 years before I had any w/d symptoms when I didn't take hydrocodone) I soppose we have to do the hardest thing to benefit our children. Do you think your grandbaby is serious when she threatens to move away? If she is then something very sommon is happening- the ones we love the most are being pushed away from us as a result of us loving them so much. I am a mother too so it's hard to say to you to take a little step back and give her a little room so she doesn't get pushed further and further away from you because I can't say that I would be able to do it myself. All I know for sure is that we want them to be safe and just to love them and I guess what to do is whatever you have to do to keep them safe and close to us is what we need to do even if it means giveng them a little extra room. Like I said though, I cannot tell you to do that, I couldn't tell any mother to do that,I do know that the day will come when they are able to understand why you were so protective over them and they will love you even more for that.
Utah lisa: You are absolutely not crazy. You know, what happened to you is very very common. Not everybody breaks out in tears when someone dies. Often your mind and emotions are so much in shock that you can't cry or your mind knows you can't handle what you have seen and goes into defense mode. Often times when we don't cry is when it is the worst. My grandmother died of cancer when I was 7, three weeks later my 10 year old cousin was accidentaly shot in the heart by his only brother b/c their step dad left a loaded gun out in the open, a month after that I watched my uncle die in his bedroom while holding his hand. I did not cry when my uncle died, it hurt so much I couldn't do anything but sit holding his hand in this catatonic state. When I was 15 my great grandmother died which wasnt as bad b/c she was 95, 4 months later my oldest god daughter's mother(April) who i have known since i was 10, her sister(Crystal) i knew since i was 7 and April died on April's 22 birthday of malignant melanoma. I knew crystal died before I was told (but those are different stories I don't think I should post in the forum, ppl would think im coo coo!, coo coo!) April named her first born (my oldest Goddaughter crystal (hardest thing she ever did) about 6 months later my aunt (by marriage) was strangled to death in her own home, I didn't cry. I would go on but I would be rambling for days if I did. I guess the point is that all of those deaths I handled, I got through it but my baby, that cannot compare to anyones death, my baby's death changed me in a huge way that can never go back. I will be a different person for the rest of my life and you probably have a part of you tht will never be the same. When my cousin died his father did not cry for the first time until 3 years later. When something us that traumatizing(as with your mother) your sub-conscious will sometimes supress it so far down and you don't even realize that you repressed it. Your mind and body and soul have defense mechanisms. And you were probably so in shock that you couldn't cry, you couldn't process it or even think. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're crazy because of it. Your reaction is perfectly normal. No one should have to see their mom that way, you have a biological and emotional connection with her that no one else can ever know or experience. No father will ever fully know the pain a mother feels losing a child, carrying you inside for 9 months creates a ond that is different than any other bond on this earth and I am so sorry you ever had to go through that and have people tell you that your reaction was not normal.
I think I'm going to stop rambling on and on and on now, I'm sorry my posts are sooo long
xoxo- D.
Utah lisa: You are absolutely not crazy. You know, what happened to you is very very common. Not everybody breaks out in tears when someone dies. Often your mind and emotions are so much in shock that you can't cry or your mind knows you can't handle what you have seen and goes into defense mode. Often times when we don't cry is when it is the worst. My grandmother died of cancer when I was 7, three weeks later my 10 year old cousin was accidentaly shot in the heart by his only brother b/c their step dad left a loaded gun out in the open, a month after that I watched my uncle die in his bedroom while holding his hand. I did not cry when my uncle died, it hurt so much I couldn't do anything but sit holding his hand in this catatonic state. When I was 15 my great grandmother died which wasnt as bad b/c she was 95, 4 months later my oldest god daughter's mother(April) who i have known since i was 10, her sister(Crystal) i knew since i was 7 and April died on April's 22 birthday of malignant melanoma. I knew crystal died before I was told (but those are different stories I don't think I should post in the forum, ppl would think im coo coo!, coo coo!) April named her first born (my oldest Goddaughter crystal (hardest thing she ever did) about 6 months later my aunt (by marriage) was strangled to death in her own home, I didn't cry. I would go on but I would be rambling for days if I did. I guess the point is that all of those deaths I handled, I got through it but my baby, that cannot compare to anyones death, my baby's death changed me in a huge way that can never go back. I will be a different person for the rest of my life and you probably have a part of you tht will never be the same. When my cousin died his father did not cry for the first time until 3 years later. When something us that traumatizing(as with your mother) your sub-conscious will sometimes supress it so far down and you don't even realize that you repressed it. Your mind and body and soul have defense mechanisms. And you were probably so in shock that you couldn't cry, you couldn't process it or even think. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you're crazy because of it. Your reaction is perfectly normal. No one should have to see their mom that way, you have a biological and emotional connection with her that no one else can ever know or experience. No father will ever fully know the pain a mother feels losing a child, carrying you inside for 9 months creates a ond that is different than any other bond on this earth and I am so sorry you ever had to go through that and have people tell you that your reaction was not normal.
I think I'm going to stop rambling on and on and on now, I'm sorry my posts are sooo long
xoxo- D.
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