Day three

[mlynn2014]

Well I made it through day two. I got out a little and went to a meeting. I slept quite a bit. I ate. I'm making it sometimes a few hours, sometimes a few minutes at a time. I seem to have waves during the day when it gets hairy but then do ok usually in the evenings. I woke up today without such a horrible panic wave at first thought which is good. Wow it seems like this is really a mental game for me though. I may have possibly done much of the physical part during my sort-of taper and now am straight to the mind games. I don't want to use but I do feel horrible anxiety and a sense of panic, like I just can't or won't be able to handle what comes next. Normal? Does this fade? Thank you everyone for all your support. My kiddos come back after church today so I'm praying the day goes well. Oh...weird side note...I've had some normal but mild physical symptoms but yesterday in the sweats I noticed my toes were sweating. Weirdest feeling ever? Lol

[mlynn2014]

Oh I've been here before Pat. Only much worse. This was a relapse and I caught it early enough on to not sink down too low. Don't get me wrong I've done every dirty deed everyone else has and tomorrow who knows how I will feel but right now I'm happy I've made it through this far without anything too bad. Prayer. Meditation. Meetings. Reading the big book. I'm putting in the effort and it feels like it's working. I was so ready to quit. The pills and my body don't agree anymore anyway and it was all just one big stupid mistake. I almost messed up everything over this. God caught me this time before I hit too far down...and believe me I've been down. I've done everything you probably feel ashamed of and way way more in my past before I got clean the first time. Oxy's and everything else I could get my hands on however I had to get them. They came first. I think this time I had so much NA before it ruined it before it got out if hand too too bad. Thank God!!!!

[mlynn2014]

One day at a time....this is it for me. Don't know what tomorrow has in store but I'll deal with it as it comes. One more day clean under my belt. Kids came home. All was well. The anxiety that I almost gave into was over nothing. Back to the hectic getting the kids to school and myself to work in the morning but I'll deal with that as it gets here. No planning. No overthinking. There's only now. Trying to keep my zen :)

[Pat1956100]

You have a great attitude and that will get you through.  I feel miserable but I am still happy knowing I'm doing the right thing.  I really need a clear head.
I wish so much that this is your last time and you don't ruin your life because of your addiction.  

[mlynn2014]

The kids are home and I'm rolling with it. Lol. So far so good. Don't know how I'm doing ok except that it seems to be acceptable to be a little lazy on Sunday and by the grace of God.

[mlynn2014]

Thank you Pat! I'm hanging in there and trying. Actually felt happy today for a few hours for the first time today without any pills. It was only for a few hours but I felt it and it was amazing.

[Pat1956100]

You sound great.  Good to hear

[mlynn2014]

Yes I'm OU...my grad degree is. My best friend is from Kansas and graduated but got her Masters at OU with me. It's a small world ;)

[clean_in_ks]

Oh my, Mlynn......you're OU.......meet KU....hahahaha!!!!

Any way you look at it, Bama is the bomb diggity today ain't she???

Your forum name jumps out at me cause I have a sister (also a KU Alum) whose name is Mary Lynn.....she graduated....I didn't...:)

[mlynn2014]

Roll tide.....lol.....Bama you are awesome and that's a lot coming from an OU alumni. I agree with clean in ks

[mlynn2014]

Bama your posts have helped soooo much :)

[clean_in_ks]

Great posts Roll Tide :)

[mlynn2014]

I can totally relate. I kicked a big big oxy habit years ago...went on suboxone and then actually got clean for five years. Started dipping my toe in the water these last few months and ended up sick all the time. You are right. Sick and sober is better....have spent enough time sick. At least this ones productive. And I can totally relate to the control freak part. Okay. Gonna read my book and watch some funny videos. Life will be there you are right.

[bama88]

Were all terrible at letting go.....I am a freaking control freak...my husband calls me ONE WAY....and I hate hate hate the saying let go and let God..ooooo do I hate that one...but, I'm learning how to "let go"...and ya know what?  It gets easier...

Imagine how much anxiety I dealt with coming off 360mgs of OxyContin...oh I had some bad days, but now they are behind me....and so will yours...I'm so proud of you I could just sneeze ya if I could get thru my screen....how long have you been waiting for this day?  A day without those nasty devil pills?.  How much time have you spent in agony in wanting to be clean...
And now you are....you can honestly say your clean....and how fantastic is that?.
Before I got clean for good a smart person told me this, your sick now...your so sick you don't know how sick you are.....and your gonna be sick for awhile...do you choose to be sick and sober or sick abusing...now that doesn't make sense to a normal person, but it made sense to me...
Don't expect anything today.  I mean don't expect nothing....don't set anything up..just take it easy...so what if the kids eat peanut butter and jelly....they'll live..cause in the big picture whats a few days of mommy being sick?  Your getting better...and life can wait.  And it will.  Everything will be there right were you put it....
Allow yourself to just be...and that's great....no pressures no nothing...

You'll see, and read your book...it will help

[mlynn2014]

Wow Bama....thanks! You are right. I did not think I would be this ok on day two before I made the jump. Also the thinking about the anxiety does trigger the anxiety. Yes I have the big book. Its right here next to my protein shake and water lol. I have a very very hard time just being in the moment except for during meetings. That's probably part if why I feel so good in there. And the humor that only an addict can get....definitely. The speaker last night was amazing and had me rolling with his "Today I'm thankful that I'll never have to.....again" stories. Looking back I will have plenty of those to tell one day and plenty to be thankful for and laugh about. Ok I'm going to try to let things roll. I do know exactly what you mean by it but honestly I'm horrible at it!!!

[bama88]

Yeah, just thinking about the anxiety make the anxiety anxious.  I'm glad you went to a meeting and liked it....it's amazing how freaked out we get about going to those dang meetings and when we get there and experience one the helpfulness of one is dumbfounding in a sense....I feel at my meetings I can really be me for just that one hour a day....it's a place I can really let me be me..and nobody will judge.  In fact most of the others have done the same stuff I had or dumber stuff....or worse stuff.....or not as dumb as me..
But, because it's a roomful of addicts who are moving towards one goal there's a lot of love energy acceptance in those rooms.  It's way more powerful than medhelp can be...because it's live and in person...

Plus, those meetings give tools.  Tolls we need desperately.  Love like we've always been looking for.  And acceptance in each other cause were all the same.  And a sense of humor that will make only an addict appreciate and smile.
Did you get a big book yet?. When I first opened up mine it was like the authors were writing a book just for me.  My eyes popped out of my head and my brain screamed yes yes yes all at the same time.....
It was a life changing moment for me...I went home for the first time in my life...and for the first time I could really relax...can't describe it right..but my soul sang it's first love song ever...

Now back to you....your gonna make it thru this day...only consentrate on today...everything is just for today.  Don't think of anything else. It's too mucj right now...break it down for today.  Hour by hour minute by minute.  If you can do that, the anxiety will loosen its grip.

Ever been on a road trip?. Remember driving on a road trip? You didn't know what was around the corner until you saw it....you just drove.. This is a trip too.  And your just thinking in today terms... Does that make sense?.

We're here for you.  Don't worry about the kids yet...don't worry about anything yet...it hasn't happened...so don't judge nothing...just flow.
And feel good about it. Feel strong about it...feel full of power threw it...  
Be a lion....strong and surviveful.  Roar at the top of your lungs...

Your in day two.  That's bigger than you know...last week you didn't even think you could get to day two...and here you are......

Break it down break it down....break the day down and it will be ok.

And, the moments that aren't ok are ok...give yourself permission to be not ok..

Give yourself permission to accept this day for what it is.....ebb and flow..that way the anxiety will loosen.

Peace..bama

[mlynn2014]

Okay so yeah the anxiety is horrid. You described it much better than I did! It's pretty crippling. Just trying not to complain...your description is pretty accurate. The meeting helped immensely. It's not my first time through this but it's my first big bad relapse ever so it's scary. Weird how right after a meeting the anxiety seems gone and is replaced with almost euphoria again. I have found a meeting that is full of laughter and for me that's the best medicine. Just trying to hang on to that positivity this morning and know that one minute at a time I can deal with all this cause someone up there has my back. I hate the roll this takes on my kiddos. They are coming home soon and I know my anxiety will spike over silly things like....what's for lunch. Lol. Ridiculous sounding now but very real when it happens.

[bama88]

The anxiety waves are normal...not fun but normal.....I rememeber feeling like I was gonna have a heart attack pass out and stroke out all in one...it was intensely scarey....not to scare you but to let you know that the anxiety is normal...and...your doing sooooo good...great actually.

Your so far ahead in this....I'm so impressed with the fact you can recognize the symptoms and also keep up such a positive attitude.  Your absolutely right in knowing that this is withdrawls and you know it's gonna pass in a few days... I used another members advise and just told myself I had the flu...and nobody ever has the flu forever.

Keep pushing thru the next few days.....each day each hour each minute you are making headway.....just plow...

What did you think about the meetings