Really bad day 4

[corey411]

This is usually the turning point day for me but it was the worst yet. I stayed home from work and basicly had a meltdown. I'm feeling somewhat better now but just an overwhelming day where everything went wrong.

I called my doctor who gave me 2 referrals...one to an addiction specialist and one to a rehab facility where I can be evaluated for out patient. She told me the addiction specialist deals with sub so that is out. She says that the rehab facility will probably push it as well. She respected the fact that I don't want to go that route. This is one of the biggest rehab places here Gateway. I know that I don't have to take it to participate but they really push that Sub. I will go to rehab for my evaluation on the 23rd. Also looking into AA this time. This time it's gotta work. I've been trying this and failing too long. Some might say that I should have stayed in NA even though I kept using and was getting more stressed from it....this is just the groups here...some of them. Truth is there are people who never beat this no matter what kind of aftercare they get and that is plain and simple reality. This scares the h@ll out of me. I have made many true friends here that have helped so much and I am so grateful to this site.Many people have given up on me and I hope that they keep the awareness that just because they made it and something worked for them that there are many out there that are not so lucky. We have to keep trying and that takes so much strength and courage. Please continue to offer support to those people. You might be what makes a difference. I hope and pray my new plan works for me. I can't keep doing this. After rehab and aa there is nothing else left for me.

[corey411]

Thanks for your comments and support guys. Just had a bigtime meltdown today and even though I know I sounded negative and stupid, these are the times to post. Waiting until you feel better is a bad idea. I took off work bc I sensed it was gonna be a bad one. I had phone call after phone call with patient problems , needs that I honestly needed to take care of. I have to learn to say NO. I keep taking all of these patients and I tell myself no more and they call and I say OK.it's near someone else I'm seeing. I have taken more that I can possibly see and then an assistants messed up the pins in her leg and I said I will help with the patients I evaluated for her. I will be working 12 hour days to do this and I'm in my first week of recovery. SO, it's a beautiful day. I went for a walk...drove to the resivour that I walk around and took my new really cool Bose headphones I just got to listen to music....the batteries lasted about 10 minutes:o( That is when the calls and aggrevation started. Got the mail and their was a 7,842 bill for an injury I got at work lowering a 350# lady to the floor. The company still has not paid me for the day I couldn't work and now they didn't file the claim. This could ruin my credit. I called my old idiot boss who hasn't answered my calls in months and I'm not sure what came out of my mouth but she's gonna be red in the face when she gets that message.. This isn't even half the stuff that happened all within 2 hours. I felt like ants were crawling under my skin and woodpeckers were pecking in my head.
I have Klonopin....don't know why I didn't think to take it. I'm feeling better now but still really jumpy. My head is in a better place.  I handled so many things at once and multitasking didn't really get to me. I have to relearn how to prioritize and cope. I've had enough clean time before to know this.
Nice hearing from you Jolly. I have missed you. I see you made your year, Congratulations. I'm so proud of you.
Giz, I'll get through this...I did not want any pills...just had a meltdown bc I had too many expectations at once and I couldn't handle it. and thought I should post often at least until I get my program set up. I haven't hit rock bottom yet. I am trying to avoid that. Thanks for caring so much Giz. You are so genuine......But Don't try to cheer me up with the Steelers bc I want to see our QB fired.What's going on with him has to ring true now with the second alligation. I put so much trust in him the first time and what a let down. I hope the Rooney's fire his butt. It will take awhile but we want our Steelers to be of good character.
Thanks Dixiboi, I have had long periods of sobriety. 4 monts once. almost 6 last year and I know first hand that what your saying is truth. We do get our life back and realize we are happier off drugs. Something just happens to me and I'm not sure what it is but I cave...when I'm feeling good. Addiction is irrational. It has no logic so it's hard to predict with the logical mind. Meditation helps me .
Brbegr, Thank you for sharing your story with me  My physical wd was not too bad bc I took neurontin which helps some with wd symptoms. Today was all in my head. Are you planning any aftercare other than this froum? Please do. This is hard. You will still have a lot of head stuff coming The stress from the mental wd can easily send your MS into an exacerbation. Please tell your neurologist so he/she can help.
It's also not your fault. It was when you took your first pill but you cannot blame yourself fro addiction anymore than you can blame yourself for your MS. Please be gentle with yourself. Send me a PM if you ever need to talk.
Thank you BFF....I will definatly bring up my sons death and my knowledge that my Ca can come back. I honestly think I am dealing ....have dealt with them. I have to stop being this type A person that wants to take on more than she can handle. Noone is doing this to me but myself. You have been a rock for me. The texts you send me during the day just in case. I hope to find enough people at aa that I have a big list to call someone before I feel like I'm going into danger....at least for awhile. You know we'll always be bonded my wonderful friend.
Thanks Miss 1 year and 2 days Terry lol. I'm feeling better now. I am alot more positive than I sound. I really know that I need alot more people to keep me accountable and be there in weak moments. Hey...that jeep thing...maybe I could ride 1 hour and meet you in the middle one summer day. I have a cool do rag. Bet we could find something fun to do. Would you be willing to run over Ben Rothlesberger lolI'm so pizzed about this. My #7 shirts are gonna be burnt. So thank you all. I am going to spend more time on the forum and less on my stupid face book farms. Love you guys

[beatingthis]

Sweet, Sweet Corey,

There is NO doubt in mind at all that you can do this. None.
You are almost over the 4 day hump. We will always be here for you.
You know we will.
If there is anything, I mean anything I can do I will. Pittsburg isn't that far for me. 2 Hour drive tops. I'll bring the jeep :)

Hang tight my friend

Terry

[10356]

My Dear Gentle Friend Corey.. I'm so sorry that today is so very difficult for you.. I have every faith that you will get beyond this.. It is true many addicts do not make it. they go the way of a lonely life with all trust gone. this is not your future. You need to get grief counseling my friend.. you need to get counseling for fear of the cancer returning.. I love ya corey and I hate to see you in so much pain.. You are stronger then what you think... the comfort you find in these meds are a false comfort and will not hold you up when you are at your lowest.. dealing with your life head on and with the attitude that you will not fail.. for you are worth the love respect and the affection that comes with getting clean.. I will support you with whatever course you choose but the women I have gotten to know has a deep spirituality weather she realizes it our not.. because we seek explanations does not make this less so.. the peace will come within my friend when you resolve the pain that is holding you back.. I love you.. lesa

[Brbegrl68]

I am 8 days off of Lortab. Funny, my day 4 I had a major melt down also. I was physically and emotionally ill that day. That is the day I chose to tell everyone I love and I know who loves me what I was doing. Many people thought I was crazy for just going off of it. Probably wasnt the wisest idea as I have Multiple Sclerosis and it has kind of caused those symptoms to flare a bit. My new saying is "Oh well, nobody to blame but myself." Be kind to yourself and let others help you. I am still feeling sick today but I know tomorrow will be easier and the next day a little easier. Keep up your good work. Believe in yourself because we all believe in you.

[dixieboi23]

I understand what you are saying about the addiction being strong. Just look at it like it has been the way for you to live your life thru someone elses eyes. Think positive and look forward to the day when you look around and get out of bed there is nothing stopping you from being the one that you want to be. This site has been a great help to me in understanding that I am not alone. Just keep coming back on and off as many times as you can and write as many times as you want to write. I am to the point that everytime I talk about it I hate it. Instead of hating what it did to me I now hate the pills themself. There is nothing that you cant do and that statement is true for every one on this planet. You can choose to change your life and you can talk about how it is your going to over come the things that slow you down. Dont let the demon take you over and take control of your life and your choices that you make for a better day. I will be thinking about you and praying you choose to make a difference and over come this. I have as much faith in you as I do myself because every one is strong you may haft to dig deep to find the strength but thats something that will never leave you.

[gizzy32]

Corey your so right, there are some of us that dont' make it, but I myself refuse to be a statistic. I got as low as I could go, I went from a dream life to rock bottom and lost all hope and stopped giving a ****. But that is what addiction does, it wants us to die, it wants us miserable, without hope and to make us think we are weak, but that is bull  shi t. We do have the choice and when the time comes we finally surrender and work on our recovery, then we begin to heal.

I believe in you and know you want this bad. You are almost through the worst again, so stick to the plan you have made and work your recovery more than ever. I care about you and you deserve to be free from this pills forever now. Your posting again and that says a lot. Your going to start AA and a support group soon and that says a lot. Be strong and your gonna make it this time, I feel it. Only 6 months till football season so be tough, lol.

[jollyman069]

never ever give up...we are here for you always...I will keep you in my prayers and lift you up before our Lord and savior...corey please do not give up on yourself...we will never give up on you...love ya..brian