At Bottom - Can't See

[Fantasma]

I had 14 years sobriety until last summer. The progression was I started smoking cigs again (had quit for 5 years), then weed again, then there I was sitting AT the bar to EAT.

I lost all my savings, my checking, my JOB and am about to loose my rental. I now have a DUI and the consequences are horrid. I hooked up with a man that took me for everything and had an interest in keeping me drunk - he kept me spending my money, all of it. I have now been forced to cash in my retirement and I turn 50 this year. All because of ONE little drink... the first one.

"My" AA program wasn't as strong as my disease. My family saw me slipping 3 years ago, but didn't say a word (Mom has 28 years sober, brother about 14 and father stopped drinking years ago). I desperately need a better program, but I am so far down now. I worked so hard, all those years, for what? NOTHING.

I'm just so sick, I can't eat. My "sobriety" date is June 2, but I've been on the Marijuana Maintenance program. It ain't helping me eat. I have to let that go because I have ASAP to go to now and I start next week. I can't believe I'm actually smoking so much, but the desperation for an alternate reality is, well... desperate still. But, my days of use are numbered.

Add to that... I found a syringe in my soon-to-be ex's old jeans and got stuck with it. Scared the **** out of me, I've stayed away from needles all my life! It had been there since July and I just found out that, *phew*, Hep C and AIDS will have been rendered dead because it has been so long... still... my beating heart!

*Save me from this Prison* (quote from song)

May you be well and thank you for being here - I need the extra help!

[Fantasma]

Hi Debra - Great saying, thanks for keeping it simple.

Sliding for 3 years is a major wake-up call for me. I need a major "altitude" adjustment. I  also need to give up a toxic relationship that I've had since I went out. You know all the things that are suggested you shouldn't do in the first year of sobriety, the "major" life stressors? Name them, I'm doing them all... relationship change, moving, loss of job, loss of finances... *argh*, oh, yeah, I just got out of a cervical collar for having 2 vertebrae fused in my neck. That saved my life, too (besides sobriety). When in for detox I choked on a damn cookie and was given the Heimlich (sp?) maneuver 7 times and cracked my ribs before I could breathe.

LOL! *Died In Detox* I could imagine the epitaph now... At least I would have been alcohol-free.

Keeping it simple is just looking at right now, for now.

[freebird227]

There is an old saying " you can't save your face and your a**** at the same time.14 years clean is a lot of time and if you were working 1/2 a program you must be in a lot of emotional and mental pain.People can say what they want Time Matters. You are exactly right every time you feed your addiction you are keeping it alive and well and very active.
There is only one thing left to do Make The Decision and then do first things first.
Surrender to win...........Debra...I am an addict

[Fantasma]

Thank you for your reply. Yepsiree, Bob, I'm still here. Thanks be to all that is Greater than I, heck, most of the block is greater than I, lol!

I know that weed is hitting the same receptors as alcohol does and it is merely a substitution. So until I knock it the hell off, those receptors are gonna be hungry for their "food" and will take anything they can get. Right now, they're getting pot. When that's done (ASAP requirements!) they'll be screaming and I'll have to tough it out for a few days to a couple of weeks.

WHATEVER IT TAKES!

They aren't friends is right, and I officially deem them "associates".

I was so squirrely last night and wasn't getting calls back from my AA ladies. I lost my keys and had a mini-meltdown (I'm laughing at it now, too funny!). Thank heaven for Moms, lol! I stayed the night at her house, it didn't feel "safe" to be stuck with myself all night. I've never done that before and need to remember I can do it ANYTIME.

"As the Synapses Misfire"

[NorcoQueenoftheUniverse]

Just try to pick yourself up again.. and BEGIN AGAIN!!  (CUZ SOMEBODY up there LOVES YOU... You're STILL HERE aren't ya?)  and everybody out here loves ya too!

And, I hafta say that the pot smoking is NOT gonna get you anywhere..let alone it's just one more MONKEY ON YOUR BACK!  

So, keep posting and QUIT HANGING OUT with those darn people that ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDs!  Heck... who needs enemies when you have 'Friends' like that?

AND... try to remember that
EVERYDAY THAT YOU DON'T USE/DRINK IS A BETTER DAY THEN WHEN YA DO!

Hugs, Prayers and Lots of love your way,