Bad thoughts

[bama88]

i am having a very very bad day.  I haven't had a craving in a very very long time.  But suddenly out of the blue it's all I can think about.  I am craving escape from all the sadness I feel surrounding my sisters death.  I am craving numbness and euphoria.  I want the anxiety to go away.  I want to take a day off from feeling anything.  I am not in a good place.  But I don't want to take anything because I refuse to go down that road.  It's wearing me down.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to **** this off.  I know there's no magic pills, no special words.  I know there is nothing to fix this.  I am so dang mad.  Mad at myself for even thinking these thoughts.  I am so tempted to sneak one of hubby's pills.  I was so tempted I went and stayed away.  He's working so he's at his sisters house.  So instead of hanging out with him I came home and am alone.  I couldn't be around the temptation.

That's the worse thing about being an addict.  Cravings.  I've forgotten how intense they are.  Does anyone who has experience with this amount of clean time working on three years. I'm two years, ten months know if this will quickly fade away soon?  
Just writing about this makes me feel ridiculous I need something to make this negative feeling stop.  Her death has broken my spirit.  I'm scared.  And nervous.  My bad brain won't stop talking.

I am a heavy smoker and recently started vaping.  
Is there anything natural I can take for anxiety.  Please help me

[addict3]

Being like this and by yourself is not a good idea. You should be around people who know your situation so you have some accountability.
The cravings will pass soon enough try some calming tea, reach out to someone you can trust.
Sorry about you loss

[kyle505]

At 3 1/2 years. If my wife had pills I'd be tempted. Even on a "normal" day, let alone what you're going through. But - my wife knows all my secrets. She'd make sure that even if I gave in to my cravings I wouldn't have access to her pills. That has worked for me. And yes, the cravings still pop up. Less intense but still there.
K

[meegWpaw]

i don't have as much time as you do but i just wanted to say that it seems totally normal that you would be craving at such a difficult time as this.  is there someone you talk to about everything that has happened?  a therapist, your husband?  i am so sorry you are going through all of this.

[NeverAgain127]

Honey:

This is a classic example of addiction.   What you're experiencing is totally and completely normal.  Addiction never goes away.  It lays in wait, dormant but watchful, for when you're lonely, angry, hungry, tired, stressed, bored, etc.   Any emotion or sensation that causes you pain.   It waits and then pounces on you:  Just one pill. one puff, one drink...and the pain will go way.  

Here's the rub:  That voice in your head, the addiction, the one that is telling you that relief is just 20 mgs away, is a LIAR.   A bold-faced, scheming FRAUD.  

If recovery were easy, people wouldn't relapse or die, or end up in jail.   This is the meat-and-potatoes of our disease.   When things go wrong. A very very bad day.   Upset of ANY kind.

This is your test, and there will be more to come.    When we are alone with our addictions, with that voice, we are in bad company.  

You are a precious human being, and you need to safe-guard yourself from this LIAR that unfortunately, lives inside you (and me, and everyone else on this board. )  

It is critical that you have a plan in place for when the LIAR comes calling.  Just a few suggestions; take one, take them all, take none, but please please know that this awful disease is at war with you.   Here are a few arrows I keep in my quiver:

1.  Meetings.  Get to one, ANY one.  A/A, N/A, it doesn't matter. Drive, walk , or take a bus to anyplace where a bunch of addicts are sitting in the same place and are talking.     There is magic in those halls; I've witnessed things that would make your hair stand on edge.   It works, or at least, it has for me.

2. People:  Safe people.  Call a friend who doesn't use, and wouldn't help you to. Tell that person the truth, ASK for help.  Don't let pride or embarrassment get in the way; this is your damn LIFE we are talking about.

3.  Busy & Distracted.   An addict who is alone is a dangerous thing.   An addict in PAIN and alone is a time bomb.   Kick into high gear and do something...go for a walk, make homemade bread, visit a friend who has children (kids are a great distraction), rent a funny movie (now is not the time for tear jerker flicks), go window shopping at a mall and commit to walking ten times around, rearrange all your furniture (and I mean the heavy stuff...).   Go to a car dealer and test drive some auto's you couldn't possibly afford, etc, etc,

4.  Think the pill through.  It will wear off. Say that to yourself a thousand times.  IT WILL WEAR OFF.  And then what?   How will you feel?  Will the pain be there still? Yup, only now it's on steroids, because your addiction is riding shotgun.

Bad days only last 24 hours, thank God. 12-steppers talk about one day at a time...man, sometimes it is one HOUR at a time.  

God bless, honey.  You've had some horrible things happen in your life, and I understand 100% how you feel.   My best friend in the whole word, my cousin (but we always, always referred to each other as sisters and we were raised pretty much together) died Sept 21, 2013 from alcoholism.  She was only 48.  I think about her every single day.    That date is forever burned into my memory.    But she would want me to live, and fight this awful demon that destroyed her.   Your sister would want the same thing for you.

Love & Hugs,
-Robin