Big step -- came clean about the stealing pain pills...

[pandas42]

Well, I took advice that some of you gave me and told my sister about the pills I've taken... I didn't want to do it. I really thought that I could somehow put some of them back in her bottle (ones that she lets me use for pain) so that by the time she would count them, she wouldn't realize that any had been taken.... But I realized today that I've taken way to many to make up for. Plus I couldn't hand the stress of trying to put on a "normal" act while trying to keep my ugly secret hidden.

So...I finally spilled my story this afternoon. I told her that I think I had only taken about 10 pills. When she counted them though...it looks like I've stolen about 30 in the past 8 days...! OMG! I thought I was keeping better track of how many I took!  This is in addition to the approx. 1 pill she lets me use daily as needed for pain. So basically, I used up one week's worth of pills myself (besides the 30 pills we used between the two of us...) She gets 120 pills per month, but rarely takes the 4 per day that is prescribed for her.

Anyway, of course she was disappointed and worried that she wouldn't have enough to last her for the rest of the month. But she could see how horrible I felt at having to tell her and in the end, she said that she's proud of me for telling her because she realized how hard that must have been for me. Plus she knows that lying and stealing has never been like me to do, so she realizes it's the addiction causing me to act this way.

We found a small box to put the pills in and a lock from her suitcase to lock the box so that I can't get into them anymore. Whew!  She will let me use 1/2 of a pill daily for a few weeks so I don't have to go cold turkey, but she will hand them out to me. If I do get a killer migraine, she'll consider a whole one. (She can see obviously when I'm really that sick --- can't fake it just to get a pill...)

Ironically, now after telling her, I'm so stressed and nervous I feel like I desperately want a hydrocodone to call me down! But that's not happening. I took my last Klonopin to hopefully calm me down.

I feel like the worst is past. Still can't believe I stole 30 pills in that short a time -- that's the worst I've ever done. It will be hard, and I have to learn to deal with stress and whatever is behind my need to take a pill to feel like I can cope with daily life. But the worst was the guilt of stealing and lying and now that's out in the open. The pills are locked up so I cannot continue this destructive habit.

[pandas42]

OK -- I know I posted last night on the post that got into a brawl, that I was not going to post on here anymore because I was upset at the antagonistic ways some people responded on that message.  But thought I'd give it another shot tonight....I see there's lots of people out there posting. I won't bite!! :)

[bandnmom]

didn't see that post last night and by the way it sounds i am glad i didn't. Like i say take in the good and look past the bad.
i am proud of you that you came clean to your sister. You two must be very close. Goo luck to you and if you ever need to chat send me a message

[GoingToMakeIt]

Good for you. Tapering is rough. But if sis is doling them out you can do this. You may still not feel too well but it should be better than going c/t.
Good luck and keep posting. I rather doubt any one is holding yesterdays post against you. I am sorry you saw that. It happens, though. There is a lot of good here. Keep hanging around.
Welcome to the forum.

[alldonepercs]

I'm glad to hear that you came clean with your sis...that took bal:s... I'm ecstatic for you that she is going to help you ween off these to. You sound like your ready for the change. It can be done but it won't come easy. Just remember it's hard to hang out with monkeys and not eat bananas if ya know what I mean.

[gizzy32]

i am proud of you for doing the right thing. that took a lot of courage and in a way surrendering to those pills. the guilt is normal, but will fade with the fact you came clean  and that says something about you. glad to see you get this under control now.

[cathy5841]

you have taken the first step..you are on the road to recovery.  it will be a long journey, but one that will set you  free.  i too am sorry about last nights fiasco, but we gotta move on.  keep posting it will help you through all this.
cathy

[GoingToMakeIt]

Oh and panda. You did the right thing by posting a comment on this post. It brings it back to the top where others can see it. We don't purposefully ignore a post. Sometimes we won't answer because we don't have information, sometimes the forum is busy and a post gets missed.

[pandas42]

Thanks... I must really be in an overly sensitive mood these past few days. You're right -- I'm sure no one intentionaly ignored my post. Guess I got a little paranoid!

[feohmoon]

That is so hard to admit something like that - it takes someone strong to do it...you are strong enough to get through it as well.  Each day gets better...I have acted in ways not at all like myself, more like the addict I portrayed at times!  
Best of luck to you.  Perhaps you can check on natural remedies that will help.  
Things happen for reasons - even if never revealed to us...hopefully this is the beginning of something wonderful for you.  

[pandas42]

Thanks everybody for your comments and encouragement.  

Since I room with my sister, I unfortunately have to be around the pain killers all the time. It would help if I could remove myself from the presence of them, but I can't. But with her locking them up, it will help. And she will be strict with doling any of them out to me. Interesting how some people become addicted and others don't... She's taken the hydro for about 4 years for chronic pain - various sources of pain - and she has always had extra left over at the end of the month. Sometimes she doesn't even take a whole pill.

[gizzy32]

she is lucky to not be an addict and sometimes i do forget this really is a disease. we beat ourselves up the most and that's the nature of the beast. how else can you explain doing the same thing over and over knowing it is destroying you. i wish you the best of luck and please don't be discouraged by the odd negative post. 95% of posts here are helpful and caring so stick around.