Can 2 addicts make it together?

[Roxy30blues]

My wife and I both have a problem with pain Killers and are trying to quit and get out lives back in order and family back together.  I wanted some help figuring out how to do this successfully.  Is it possible for a husband and wife who once had the whole at there fingertips and now are the verge of losing everyhting make it all right again?  Its hard enough for 1 addict with the help of a supporting loving spouse to help them through their addiction.  How does it work when both need help and need each other as well?  ITs a catch 22 becasue on one hand we are each others worst enenies becasue we justify use when we are together however without each other how can we find the strength and incentive to clean up and stay sober?

Please I am desparately looking for answers and success stories or advise on how to do this?  Can it be done?  Is it hopeless?

[beachtowel]

Anything is possible you are in the unique position to be in a relalionship where you both don't have to lie about your addiction to the other.....
You both understand what the other has been through......
Plus you can both support each other and help each other with recovery.........

Another great thing is you both cannot lie to each other about your addiction...
Go to N/A meetings together and see an addiction counselor once a month of possible...

Whether your married or not both of you can get to recovery if you bust your asses to get there..........

Have either one of you been to N/A before?

[BonnieAnn]

Congrats to you and wife for trying to get your lives back together. It's a tough road.

I believe you can make it together. However, one thing I can say from experience is that you have to work your own programs. Whether it be counseling or N/A, or whatever you choose. You each have unique issues that got you to using in the first place and they need to be addressed individually. The pain meds just masked the pain of whatever you each had going on in your lives, but they are not the problem. The problem is something deeper, and I would imagine it is different for both of you.

I know "together" and "separately" seem confusing, but it does work (from my experience). If you work on your individual problems, then you can support each other together.

Good Luck and thanks for the post.

[wait2long]

my husband and i both had a problem too, we both were taking anything we could get our hands on. then we both started methadone (not clinic), he is still on prescribed methadone for legit pain awaiting approval for surgery, and i have stopped the methadone and am taking suboxone. WE couldnt get clean together, we just couldnt do it together. one of us had to be stronger than the other, and in our case it was me (nevermind he really does suffer pain, he still wants to be clean, but i wanted it more). its EXTREMELY  difficult to do it together because we have 3 boys, and we just couldnt be sick at the same time, someone had to be somewhat with it to take care of the boys while the other is sick. thats how we are doing it, just a suggestion and i hope you find a way, its a horrible disease that effects all of the family in some form or another.

[tootough]

About ten years ago, my man at the time followed me to a treatment center to tell me how much he loved me, after me wanting to hear these emotions for five years.  I told him I needed time, and introduced to my friend of 4 days and roommate in the place.  They are still married, with kids now, and still clean.  EVERYONE told them they had no chance.  They followed their own programs, individually, and got into counselling together.  Open communication.  If you can practice, and get a groove with it, there's a chance for you.  I can just say, take care of you first.  Like the airplane, put your own oxygen on before trying to help anyone else.  Best thoughts.

[liscamdave]

I am merely going to tell you my own personal experience and you can answer your own questions. My addiction started almost 4 years ago with my then boyfirend. I had a simple toothache and he went and got me some percs. I took and them i loved them. I had to go to the dentist and he gave me a script of the percs. I took a couple for a few days and my pain was gone, so me and my b/y decided to finish the script as he liked them too. We found a friend who sold them and we continued to by a few percs on the weekends, then it turned into every weekend. The weekends turned into a few weeknight, and so on....We were then taking percs every single day. Our tolerance grew and grew to about 30-50 percs, EACH, a day. We were spending massive amounts of money so we switched to Oxy Contins. Big mistake. Our tolerance for them continued to grow until we were both eating anywhere from 8-15 80mg Oxy's, EACH, a day. We got enganged, then married in Oct of 05, all while being addicted to Oxy's. No one knew, not family, not friends. We spent every last dollar we had. Prior to our addicted my husband invested in some real estate, and sold all the properties, we spent all of the $ from the houses as well as all our wedding $ and savings. In july of 06, I found my husband dead, he had overdosed from the Oxy's. I cannot bring him back and am still trying to get over to this day. I was to blind to see that we were killing ourselves slowly. I cannot change it but I can try to save someone else from having this happen. I dont know how much you use, or what you are using, but your tolerance will only grow and grow. Get the help you both need and please and save your lives. I am sure you both love each other and can have a wonderful, sober, life together. There is hope for you both.....Good Luck, I will be praying for you both....

Lisa

[CATUF]

I know more than a few couples where both are in Recovery.  The ones who succeed all seem to have one thing in common: Recovery comes before the relationship and the relationship is strictly contingent upon the continued Recovery of both.  So, their hard and fast rule is that if one of them "goes back out," they are in fact out of the house -- at least until they are back in Recovery.  

It may sound cold hearted, but I don't think it really is.  Anything I place in front of my Recovery is going to be lost anyway and I'm no good to myself or others if I don't stay in Recovery.  Staying in a relationship with someone who has returned to active addiction would be an immediate and serious danger to my Recovery.  If I don't protect my Recovery by backing away from that Relationship (at least for the other's active period), it's far more likely that my Recovery will fail than it is that I will nurse the other back into Recovery.  If my Recovery fails, I won't be ANY help to the other.

Anyway, it does seem to work, with the proper ground rules.

CATUF
Day-808

[tooklastdose]

Yes, it can work!!

[wait2long]

i just read your post, and am now crying...i am so so sorry for your loss, i wish there was something i could do for you and your situation.   but i think i may have come close to your situation twice, both times i found my husband lying on the kitchen floor completely out of it, and i wonder if i had not found him what could have transpired...it upsets me terribly... and please i am not comparing my situation with yours, it just made me think of those 2 horrible nights i found him like that, i dont know what would have happened to our family.  if you dont mind me asking (and if you do then just ignore) how did you get through your situation?  i still worry about my husband with his methadone....thank you and again i am so so sorry for your loss...

[slideshow]

I'm so very sorry.  Roxy30blues as Beach so wisely (as usual) says, you are in a unique position to have someone with whom you can be so honest.  You haven't really spoken up here after your OP, so its hard to know how deep you're in.  It sounds like its not a chronic pain thing with you two that you do them to get high.  Use your relationship to both of your best advantages.  Help each other stay strong.  If he gets weak you stay strong.  Tell him to do the same for you.  Listen to Beach here, if you really want to stop.  He knows his stuff.

You've gotten 8 comments from people who care, but still just your one.  Like I've seen Beachtowel post before "do you really want to quit", or are you just surfing the internet?  There's help if you want to quit.  Help each other and both of you use the forum to help you both.

You haven't described the extent of your addiction, what pills you are taking, how often, how much its cost you in your life so far.  Write it down.  Write down the destruction you have witnessed to your lives so far.  Things become more real when you write them down.  It gives folks here an idea of what you are up against.  You've gotten 8 other folks here reaching back out to help you.  Do you want their help or not?

[slideshow]

Sorry I mixed up the man/woman thing.   Forgive me.  The thought is the same.

[wait2long]

or like in my case if you cant write it down....just take a glance at the checkbook register....it used to make me sick!!! and i no longer have a checking account, i closed it for that reason.

[liscamdave]

Thank you so much for your post. It is so hard still to this day. I didn't want to scare Roxy or anyone else that may be in this sort of relationship. Anyone can get help and I think if they did it can only make them stronger because they have shared this life changing experience together. I just wanted to let him know my situation. I am trying the best way I can to get through it, but it is so hard. The pills masked my pain and I should have never continued to take them after he died. You would think I would have stopped, but I didn;t care about anything anymore. I am now determined to get my life back. I may not be able to get my husband back, but I can try and make my future better and hopeful..

Roxy,

I also wanted to point out that when my husband was alive and we talked about quitting or getting help, and actually did try to quit, one person would always cave in and go get pills or make the other want to cave in and get pills. Withdrawing from Oxy, with your partner...is nothing short of pure hell. It was a nightmare and instead of having beautiful memories of my husband, that is what I remember most. That, and also finding him, already gone....I hope things work out for you...

Lisa

[wait2long]

i just dont know what to say..i am so so sorry...i bet it is hard, i think you are a very strong woman to go through a tragedy like that and able to come out on top...i admire you greatly for that. i am still so in love with my husband after 18 years that if i lost him, especially  to drugs i just couldnt go on (the guilt would kill me, when i met him he wouldnt even take a tylenol, then i introduced him to opiods)   ...you are definately an inspiration to me...   and maybe being scared is what roxy needs, i know finding my husband like that was enough for me, i just couldnt imagine what you have had to go tthrough....thank you for sharing your story and strength.

[3 1/2 yrs sober]

OMG lascamdave you story is almost identical to mine!  Except I was the one to OD, by the grace of God, my husband was in the bed with me when I started pucking and getting choked on it.  I was flown out to a bigger hospital and put on life support for 2 days.  It was the worst thing in the world that ever happened to me, but at the same time it was the best thing as well!  I just can't get over how similar our stories are.  I had a root canal and got pain meds for it, and I was off and running.  Then we went to the oc's and it went downhill from there.  

Roxy30blues, yes you and your significant other can get soer together, but let me warn you it is incredibly hard!  My husband and I have both been sober for over 3 years.  It is a very long story, but he relapsed while I was pregant with my little girl and I couldn't handle it.  He was doing oc's which was my drug of choice, and I wanted them so bad.  I was not strong enough to not do them.  That is when I od'd.  He has never used since the night that happened 3 and 1/2 years ago.  He still cry's when we talk about it.  He ended up going back to rehab the day after I got out of the hospital, and I was stuck at home with a 2 month old baby girl.  I had severe post partumn depression.  All I wanted to do was sleep!  I new I could get some Ambien so I went and got some and ended up taking 15 in one night.  This was less than 4 days since I got out of the hospital on life support.  Addiction is a crazy thing, and will make you do crazy #$*!  I didn;'t see anything worng with taking the Ambien, although I did not mean to take that much.  Anyways we have both been very dedicated in our recovery's since then.  And that is what it takes, you both have to be entirely commited to your recover, before your relationship.  My husband and I had been to treatment about a year before the od happened.  We probably would have gotten a divorce, but I found out I was pregant and we decided to work it out.  I got pregnant the day before we came home from treatment together.  After the od we went to seperate tretment centers.  I went to Arizona and he went back to Minnesota.  The sencond time worked better beacuse we focued on ourselves and not each other.  The people at Hazelden did not want us to come together the 1st time but we instisted!  We wouldn't have gone to treatment if you could not go together.  That was a big mistake!  Please try to find an addiction Dr. to help you and you spouce get the proper treatment!  Please let me know if I can do anything for you all!  If you click on my name, I have my email on there, let me know if I can help you!

[Savas]

Well, I don't know if we're a success story yet but my wife and I have both had pain pill addiction problems for years. She had a previous history and when we had our crack up, it started off the whole chain of events. After years of going back and forth, we finally both got fed up.

The final stopping is the hardest part. We've been together 15 years, and we both hate seeing the other suffering. So we decided to stagger it this time, and when I reach D-day (I drew the short straw, get to go first!) we've actually discussed the idea of my getting a room somewhere for the couple of weeks if it's really bad, so she doesn't have to sit by and watch me suffer. Otherwise, it's very hard to deal with. So if you're smart, you should be able to make it through. Both of you. Just make sure you arrange things practically. You'll have to take turns being out of comission, and let the other one take care  things, while staying away if necessary.

[slideshow]

Excellent.  That is a true love story.  Congratulations, truly.  Remarkable.

[Savas]

Yeah, after 15 years, what the heck else would we do? Start computer dating? *shudder*.

I guess I can say we've been lucky in this. Although we did have many years together before the addiction thing. I've heard people say that people who hook up as addicts never work out together if they stop using. I can't say I recall that being true or not... but I guess if you stop using and find out that's all you have in common, where else can you go???

[Roxy30blues]

Sorry for the delayed post but my wife is living at her mom's now and I get my son for the weekend so all day and night has been dedicated to him.  As far as usage at our worst we had it up to about 30-30mg rocies a day each.  I am 6'3" 280lb and a ex football player and my wife is 5'2" 115 lb ex cheerleader and takes as many as I do its unbelievable and scary as hell.  I have it down to fewer than 10 a day now and it’s been that way for a while.  I am not anti-program at all I think it is a wonderful fit for thousands of people but it’s not for everyone.  That's not to say everyone can't learn from it and apply many of its rules and guidance to any other program but to go all the way 100% committed to the program is a change of life.  I want our old lives back not a new ones.  I just refuse to believe it is the only way to have success quitting.  I have been to meetings some good and some bad, I have read the big book, the 12 steps all which are great in pieces and through each individuals interuptation.

If I sound all over the place with this it is because I am.  Its seems very black and white with the program and the use of it.  It reminds me of the Catholic Church before Vatican II, when if you weren't a Catholic you are up the creek basically, however I think the program needs a reform i.e. Vatican II or Program II.  What I am getting at is after Vatican II the church said (in much fancier words) "It doesn't matter if you’re a Jew, Muslim Protestant as long as you are good faithful Jew, Muslim; etc you’re going to got a shot at going to the Big Dance." I just want to work a program that feel will be the most successful in the long run and it’s not exactly AA or NA. IT may be similar in ways be not in other ways, other ways which are completely unacceptable to the program true believer.

My wife's have been involved in the Program here entire life because of her dad is a lifetime member and still using on and off every few months.  He is a Heroin addict that and was a alcoholic prior and has been in the program for over 30 years and dragged his family along for the ride.  He has 3 kids of which two are addicted to oxys (one being my wife) and the youngest daughter such an anti-anything person she refuses to drink a beer during her college experience.  She is the extreme opposite just the other way which has left her feeling out of place confused and a whole list of things. This may be a bad example of the Program results but its what I have to go on.  Her father is what I call and expert Program person. He is very good at it, we knows everything to say and do to be a proactive member and typically has most fooled on when he is using and not until my wife and brother find him passed out at his desk with needles and spoons all over his office on a Monday morning prior to a meeting with some bankers. He has fulled his entire company with people from the program and it totally consumes (ed) his entire life and most of his families. In my opinion her mother failed as well by accepting this way of life and forcing it on her children.  They never had a shot, it was almost an option to become a addict and when they did it just was like they processed them and officially signed them into the group.  The first time my wife went into rehab her father told her mother that “you know this is not the last time we will be doing this with her”  So he already assumed she was going to fail before she even had a shot at fighting to stay clean. That is just the complete opposite and mindset I have, I have to believe and tell myself I will not fail this time and I am going to fight with every last breathe and stay dedicated to doing this the right way and a successful way. It also helps they are millionaires and don’t mind spending thousands of dollars in rehabs and treatments time after time. Ultimately her dad and mother divorced about 5 years ago finally because her father found someone in the Program that he could relate to didn’t judge him and understands him, an ex-crackhead dancer (I am not judging just stating the facts).  She is in a wheelchair now from getting so wasted about a year ago she sleep in a weird position for 8 hours and cut off all of the blood to her legs. They had to remove most of the dead tissue from her legs and now she’s legality on 80mg OC for the pain and most likely will be forever.

My family has its share of alcoholics, almost all the men, and a few of the women.  There are a few drug users including me now (I was once the pride & joy of my entire family. I was the first to graduate highschool, first to go to college and graduate, then became a CPA, as did my wife. My uncle was also a 20 year heroin addict who quit cold turkey and never used again, then  was a severe abusive alcoholic for many years until quitting that cold turkey as well. Its not to say that my family wouldn’t use treatment centers we are just overall a poor family and o not have that kind of money. Now I have my father who is hooked on Oxys after a car accident and its been about 7 years now and he has lost everything and is back living with me at least until my wife comes back home.

In my opinion neither method worked very well and there for them and with the right help could have maybe found the right solution.  But what I am CERTAIN is the program is not for me, however I am immediately branded narrow minded and anti-program.  I constantly hear “I know you thing all this Program stuff is BS”, I constantly defend my self and state that is the farther thing from the truth.  

Why can’t I just be supportive for those in the program and work my own program for me?  This is now the big challenge I face with my wife’s current position.  She is 30 days clean & in the Program living with her mother.  Here Mother in my eyes is just repeating the same role she took with her husband unsuccessfully for 28 years now using my wife and son.  I have to do something, of course the start is to quit myself again, which I believe I’m in the position to do.  Due to the advise of her counselor she refuses to talk to me and has set boundaries with me out of her life for now while she takes care of herself.  I had another post with “Bosox0407” earlier which I changed because after I wrote the message I thought the username would give me away to certain people so I want to me able to speak freely here without that worry so for those who read that message, same guy.  As I mentioned before I am just confused on how to approach this situation with my wife and how I can get my family back, all clean & sober.

[Roxy30blues]

I am so glad to hear it is possible and its inspiration reading actually stories of husband and wives getting through this and ended up together.  Again here is a perfect example, I am trying to apply the take care of your self first concept from AA, but have a ton of mental conflicts with this idea.  First, I think its ironic that we should now worry about ourselves, as an addict I can personally say that is all my wife and I have worried about the last 2 years is ourselves.  I certainly wasn’t worrying about my wife and being the man she married who was everything her family was not.  I was so anti-drugs when we started dating and actually broke up with her once in college because she tried ecstasy with her brother and his friends. Now look at me. If I wasn’t so selfish the last 2 years I would have stayed strong for myself and our family. Also, I sure my wife wasn’t thinking about being a good mother for our my son when I was snorting 30 blues a day , I think she was think about only herself.  But the first thing the Program says it worry about yourself, again which is exactly what we have been doing unfortunately.  How about for once put yourself on the back burner and not be so selfish and put the needs of our son and his caretaking first or maybe worry about your spouse and how your are effecting him or her.  That makes more sense to me.  Instead which is my situation, my wife will not interact with me unless it about our son.  She won’t give me any timeline or incentive or goals or anything.  No I love u or see you at the end of this, literally zero communication, which I can understand how this is possible.  We talked everyday for over 12 years, how can she just not talk to me?  Does she not love me anymore? I couldn’t ever do that to her. Its hard enough quitting with a support group but to do it alone at home after my wife and son moved out.  Its been and was devastating mentally and I have had serious lows like never before.  No matter what I do she wont budge. She will not see me at all or be alone with me, I think (hope) its because she knows she will break down because she still loves me.  

Well the first excuse of not talking she gave was because she quit and I still was using.  So I detoxed cold turkey that next day over a 4 day weekend.  Its only the second time I went cold turkey and it was horrific!! Then she talked to me but wouldn’t come home still because her mom has her convince that if we are back together we will justify using to ourselves and be back on them in a week.  We it’s a long story but this time is like no other, the consequences that came recently and stand to come if we don’t are leaps and bounds above any type of motivation we had before when trying to quit.  So about 5 days into me being clean, she still wouldn’t see me and speak that much just bare minimum and it really was hurting my because I was going crazy sitting in a big empty house without my family, while she had a full house and a full schedule.  Well I wanted to talk about down the road a little bit and she jumped down my throat about looking to far and take a day at a time.  Which is easy to say when she is making all the calls!  So we got into a little argument and it got heated, very small fight , nothing like we had gotten used to.  Then she shut me out again and wouldn’t talk to me again even though I was clean.  She wouldn’t answer my calls and text me all communication must go through her mother.  She wasn’t able to deal with those types of discussions right now and she is going to listen to her aftercare staff and not communicate with me until I at least 30 days clean.  Well of course you can guess what happened next, serious mentally crash, and I lined up 6-30s and away I went.   Now I tried everything to start communication back up but nothing! I am not blaming her for my relapse, its actually exactly what she said she didn’t want to happen is that I quit for her and the first fight we get in I go back to the pills.  It appeared that way but it was a giant build up and a very bad setup to begin with.  I was almost destiny to fail the way I was mentally at the time, my wife and son leaving was still was fresh, she wouldn’t talk to me I and had all erratic behavior which lead my mind to make all sorts of crazy conclusions.  

Its been enough process and think a lot and not be so emotional and up and down.  Also I have been able to understand some of the things she is doing still not all.  I also didn’t have all of the detox meds I needed to complete the entire process.  I am giving quitting another shot over the upcoming long weekend and will succeed again, of course that is not the tough part staying off them is the hardest.  I am prepared for all sorts of curveballs and I am not going to let myself go off the deep end again.  Hopefully once I can show her I am not using again she will talk to me and come home with my son.

I am so sorry for the long post but as I said I am here in a big house with no wife and son and I haven't had anyone to talk to specifcially to talk about this stuff.  God I have so much more to said and there is so much more history and facts that are so important to try and understand but any advise is welcome and thank you all again for all the posts they helped more tha you know!!!!!

[wait2long]

maybe you can get clean...(be selfish for YOU) get your **** together, and have a plan for YOUR recovery, and when she sees that you have done it for you and only you, she will see that it CAN be worked out...and maybe that will be incentive for her to stop being so selfish of your needs. you cant keep going down the path of self destruction...especially because of someone else. you have to realize (selfish or not) that you have to find yourself worthy of the same type of sober life...with her or without her, and also maybe when you are clean, gone to meetings and/or therapy..you yourself may decide you want a different type of lifestyle for YOU, and at that point you put your child first and keep moving on up from there...no other place to go from there but up...i am curious as to if the mother inlaw in a way blames you for all of the family problems...and if she is going to mommy to work out her problems instead of you.... just a thought, i dont want to sound harsh. i personally understand how this must feel,but you cant let how she is acting ruin you, because it can and will...you need to think about you and how your want your future to be and just do it....

[slideshow]

My wife is tiny like that and the same quality holds true.  She gets half of everything.......Take that any way you want.  It still holds.  

Her counseler is off by telling her not to talk with you. But, if you getting started is what they are waiting for then, there is your choice.  Theres a new sitcom on thats on talking about compromise.  "My wife wants a cat, I don't.  We compromised.  We got a cat.  I've been married 24 years with the same kind of compromise.  Ha Ha.   I know your deal is very serious, but get you family back together.  I was never a meeting kind of a guy, but if you are use that tool.   I think your wife's counselor is nuts, because you two could be stronger together.

I can understand the bad influence of her parents too.  Mine are now dead, and I am only now recovering from their abusive influence on me.  

I quit Cocoine, by deciding in my mind that I would literally "die" if I ever snorted another line.  I truly believe that and I haven't snorted a line since I decided that.  I'm not going to bore you with my Miami stories in the Cocaine Cowboy days, but I was a bouncer and bodyguard (to coke dealers) in Miami in the late 70s early 80s.  There is a Cocaine thread here where I put more detail, but I won't punish you any more.

[slideshow]

Your wifes counselor has her going down this road alone and to the counselor you can be cast away if you dont stop too.  Get rid of that counselor and get your wife back.  Go into it together.  Taht is just too sad.  If my wife wouldn't support me during that toughest time of my life, then the marriage would suffer.  I've been married 24 years.

[slideshow]

Start your own program by yourself.  Youre strong.  Prove it.  Quit.  Get your wife back.  Give this story a happy ending.  Don't live her parents lives.....Their problems are their problems, not yours or your wifes.  I did a 30 day rehab in early 80s for alcohol, but the true times that I've really quit in this world were on my own.

[jossysmom]

Hi, I'm new on here but I have been reading these posts for weeks now. I am in quite a predicament. I am 23 years old, married with a 2 yr. old and a baby on the way. I have been taking hydrocodone for about  2 years now. I didn't care how I got it, just as long as I got it. I have switched from hydro to oxy and then to cough syrup. I found that it was easier to get the cough syrup since I have asthma. I have told myself for 2 years that I would quit when I got pregnant again. Well, here I am, 5 weeks pregnant and completely addicted to hydrocodone. I've taken around 120 mg for about 2 months now. I've tried to come off cold turkey which was awful especially with my 2 yr. old in my care and my husband oblivious to my addiction. The withdrawls are something that I couldn't have ever imagined. I'm really writing because I don't think that I can get through this alone. I went to a doctor that I looked up yesterday and he suggested that I either go on methadone or subutex ( suboxone). He couldn't guarantee the safety of my baby but right now I have no other choice. I just know that taking the hydro will also hurt this baby and I don't want the baby to go through withdrawls when he/she is born because of my mistake. I love my family but I don't feel normal without the hydro. Can anyone tell me how the subutex is going to affect me? The doctor felt like it would be more stressful on the baby to go cold turkey. I'm a housewife with no one to turn to. Please help!!!