Nothing ever got me like this - but I want out!!

[tired_of_oxy]

Oxycontin has enslaved me to a life of hell. I've tried getting clean but the simple fact is for me life ***** sober. It feels foriegn, uncomfortable and depressing. Its whats kept me from staying off. I have suffered worst withdrawls jumping from high doses of the evil drug only to go back and do it all again. I've lost my self respect, hope, my freedom of mind and body, my money, my life to this drug yet I can't seem to get away from it. I refuse to live like this anymore. I am on sub but have only been on a short time and it doesnt work. Being onluy a partial agonist I crave all the time and subs only benefit to me is keeping me *sort of* out of withdrawls. But I STILL crave like crazy and therefore screw up often and dont take my sub anywhere from a day up to a week at a time so I can do oxy.

I hate what I've become. Inpatient is what I need after being so severely mentally addicted (and physically - but much more mental addiction) for 2 years now. I've blown thousands on the pills and I hate them but I cant seem to live without them. I suffered from depression and at first they were the answer to my prayers for that but then I needed more more more. Can't taper worth a ****. Ive tried and I have no self control when it comes to them. Maybe a quick taper on sub would work but then what? Be off sub, depressed and miserable and still craving and no doubt relapsing. I feel so HOPELESS!!! Deep down I wonder if I'll ever be free. If I can function without them ever again. Once you enter the world of oxy addiction it grabs you like a shark attacking its prey and does not let go. The brain screams for the drug and once you find something that makes you feel that good its hard to let go - even when its killing you. Any advice for an addict who really wants out but can't seem to get there? I dont wanna be on sub anymore. It doesnt work and on it I'm lazy, no motivation at all. Feels like I'm just existing, not living at all.

[tired_of_oxy]

Thank you for replying Jon. I've looked into it and found out sub wds are much worse then oxy. (and given my horrid experience with oxy wds I don't think I could handle anything worse!!

I've only been on sub a month so maybe switching to oxy for 2 wks would ensure all the subs gone, I'm going to prepare for detox now even though I'm waiting till after Christmas to detox. Got a bunch of supplements and protien shake stuff and just joined a gym. Need to find some meetings too. Can't find any Smart recovery meetings near me so I'll give NA a try.

I'm determined to get off this crap for good this time. I hate how the pills have consumed me and it's time to really get clean and sober and be the mom my kids need. A sober healthy mother who will live a long happy life without pills.

[shrimpman]

Hey tired------It depends on how much and how long you been taking subs------It takes longer than oxycodone though to get out of your system-------I tried sub off the street and and found the withdrawals worse than oxy-------I ended up relapsing on percocet and then going ct-------That was over a year ago------I know what you are going through and just know life gets better once you are sober for awhile-------you definitely would benefit from a support system-------It's very hard to stay clean on your own-------Best regards, Jon

[tired_of_oxy]

Does anyone know how long it takes for sub to get out of your system completely? I've only been on it a short while and my track record at using it consistently has been lousy. I don't understand how this med can keep anyone out of active addiction, it barely kept me out of wds! I guess everyones different. My plan was to do a fast detox on them but you know how it goes, never a good time to feel like death warmed over. Sorry for the long posts, I just don't have anyone IRL to talk to and I'm thrilled to have found not just one but many addicts like me who know the heartache of opiate hell.

[tired_of_oxy]

Thanks Rick, I'm going to do this. I have to do it. For myself and my children. My kids are everything to me and I cannot role the dice anymore on our future. This is life or death and I cannot keep playing Russian roulette with my life. Every pill I take could be my last. My kids need me and I want to be healthy and be around for a long time for them.

I'm scared of life without pills but the prospect of staying on them and risking my life has become scarier. I have decided to make a day the first week in January my quit date. About a week prior I'm going to switch over from sub to oxy. I know that sounds nuts but as I understand it, the wds from sub are far worse then oxy wd. I'd rather detox from oxy then suffer the never ending sub wds. I want hope again. I want a bright future. I want my health and most of all I want my kids to have a clean mother. I know I must do this for "ME" but they are a huge motivator. I want to do right by them. I need to get my life back on traci. Life is too short to throw it away on those evil pills. Please be here for me, I really don't have anyone who I can talk to who would understand. I hate what I've become but I'm highly motivated to change my ways and live a clean, happy life I can be proud of. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated! God knows I want this so bad. I need to get some support because as I said it's the mental crap (severe anxiety and depression) that get me every time. I have to brace myself and be prepared for what lies ahead. I think the first week in January will be when I take the plunge and kick these devils for good!! Please say a prayer for me. I believe in God and believe He will help me save myself.

[quitinoxys]

If your family is going to make you feel like you are going to use then you need to find someone who will understand. As far as aftercare you can try going to an addiction counsler as you will need some sort of aftercare to learn how to stop the cycle of addiction. You can always post here when your feeling bad and we will try to get you through this.---Rick

[tired_of_oxy]

Hey I read your in the midst of detox. Keep pushing through, your so close to feeling human again. Make sure no matter what you get some aftercare going. That, or the lack therof for me, was the key reason I relapsed.

Get that going and your on your way. Your feeling like hell right now but your almost there. Hang in, another couple days and the sun will shine again. And you'll be free of the physical hold these evil pills got on you. Be very proud at what you've done !

[tired_of_oxy]

I have a limited support system. I live an hour away from my family and they don't come around much. I guess if I told them whats going on they'd come up to check on me but I don't know how much good that would do. They don't understand what it is to be addicted to these pills and instead of bringing me up I could see them just looking at me like I'm a loser and make me feel worse. I'd probably want a pill more then ever just knowing they were coming over. I think I'll have to trudge through it myself. Last time I detoxed it was days before I felt human again. Not sure I could even endure it again but I will try. I'm going to ask the doctor for clonidine and something like xanax to help but all in all its gotta run its course. But man I'm dreading those damn wds. They are intense and scary stuff but in order to break free its what I gotta do. What is smart recovery?? I think I want to avoid 12 step programs but have heard of this as an alternative. Anyone have experience with it?

[Back2Me]

I feel the same as you. Exactly the same. I hate what I have become over these meds.

[quitinoxys]

tired sorry to hear, but all is not hopeless. I felt the same as you before I went CT and now I am 163 days, You need to bite the bullet and go CT. Do you have anyone around that can help you through w/d? Does your family know? It makes a great difference when you have a support system. You can do this and once you do you will be glad you did as you will have your life back. I will pray for to God that he gives you the strenght and resolve to make it through this. God Bless---Rick    

[tired_of_oxy]

And I can't do inpatient as badly as I want to - I have small children who need me and I'm on my own so no way I can do it inpatient. Luckily they are in daycare so if need be I could suffer withdrawls and at least have the daytime to not worry about the demands of children. But again, so I detox - then what?? I know where I'll be. All the positive thinking in the world won't stop the heavy, suicidal depression that sets in once I detox. I need aftercare I know...but 12 step programs arent my thing..