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Cleaning.....hopefully this inspires you
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Cleaning.....hopefully this inspires you

Even tho I've been clean for a very very long time.  I never really got up the energy or courage to clean my house.  So, because I'm off two weeks, we'll now one changing jobs because where I worked EVERYONE GOT HIGH and I struggled for a year in that. So, I decided to clean..... THEY SAY YOUR HOUSE IS A REFLECTION OF WHAT YOU FEEL LIKE. And even now going into my second year I fight the urges.  I think it's due to a lost decade of being high.

Let's say I felt like I was an episode of hoarders, I was so so embarrassed.  Oh oh my.  So....what I'm trying to say is please clean your house if your newly detoxing. Well, when u feel good enough to stand.  I promise u will feel so much better. You won't even think of using. And I was having super size cravings Friday due to an old friend coming over. She actually tried to give me some oxys. My favorite. And let me say I actually had it in my MOUTH.  after one year plus.  Thankfully I spit it out. I snuck off to bathroom and spit it. And, I was chewing it all the way. Yikes.  I was so so pizzed that I got sucked in. And then I got a super sized amount of anxiety from the whole ordeal.  Do you know how hard it was to spit it out?  And she left some, what a friend. Huh?

This shows me that this will be a life long battle.  I'll be two years clean august.  You'd think I wouldn't even think of doing that again,

So, I cleaned. And cleaned, and still am. Out with the old and in with the new.  Thanks for letting me vent.  Let's say the presidient could show up at my house it's that clean.
24 Comments Post a Comment
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9518579_tn?1408023080
Wow to have it in your mouth and spit it out as you are chewing it is a victory you were tempted and still you spit it out so close to that.......congrats on 2 years im day 12 off a roxy to methadone habit of 8 years....
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks, but I'm really mad I got sucked in. I used to chew up my 60"s. And this was an 80.  I started to think of how high id get. And when my daughter rounded the corner I was like...$&@; I'm gonna get caught and I don't need this. So I ran to the toilet and spit it out. Plus I also got scared I might OD after this long.  And, I'm a sponser now. What would that look like.

How long have you been using?  How are you feeling.  I'm proud you've decided to take back your life. I promise it will get better. Not immediate. But it will be so so much better. Are u still sick?
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9518579_tn?1408023080
If u r talking to me no the physical is over except for some goopoo...and now im sitting outside feeling sry for mysel......is it normal to feel guilty,shameful,and selfish all at once.....heart pounds so much and energy crash that I never felt before....
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8976007_tn?1400955760
thank you.  i have to clean this hell hole of a bedroom i have been detoxing off fentanyl the past 10 days.  i think i would feel much better.  
i was just thinking that people cannot live in a bubble where they will never be exposed to drugs.  you have to have it in you to say no or not want it.  
glad you spit it out and congrats on 2 years.  
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3197167_tn?1348972206
Questions galore as I read your post.  Loud sirens going off, too.  You have one year plus....or will you be 2 yrs clean next month?  

You are a sponsor in a program of recovery and yet you have an old using friend coming to your house offering you Oxy 80's???  This "friend" even left you some pills?  WHY???

Is there some reason you are keeping the door open with this "friend" and allowing them in your home?  Or some reason you couldn't/didn't tell this "friend" that you didn't want them because you are clean now?  Or some reason you weren't able to tell this person NOT to bother leaving any because you didn't want them?






  

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271792_tn?1334983257
If that were me...AND ONLY ME...I would have considered that a relapse. Relapse begins spiritually and emotionally before we physically use. Using is the end result of a relapse. If I actually put one in my mouth and chewed it I would be using. Period. I am so grateful that I don't permit old friends in my life today. Some days it is hard but I take it a step at a time.

I hope you get through this.
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't know why I did that? And she was a friend I haven't seen in a long time, so I didn't really want to go into all of my recovery and etc. plus, I've been having major panic attacks. I disagree as to the part that I used. Yes I chewed. But NEVER SWALLOWED.  I was having a bad day, week etc with other overwhelming personal things.  I was trying to make a point as this is a LIFE LONG battle and that even after all this time I am still vulnerable to peer pressure etc.  just because I'm a sponser doesn't  make me less susceptible than the next person or anyone who has longer clean time.

I am admitting to what I did do. Yet, I had self control to stop myself.  I know of people who have been clean 10 plus years slip.  That's what I am saying.
Yes, this was bad. I do not or will not see her as she lives in another state.  That being said.  I am responsible for my actions true.  And need to get so,e more work done on peer pressure.

Again, I didn't have to post this, or admit this but chose to share my experience as to share the reality of how strong addictions lay and wait for us to slip.  I sliped but didn't fall down.  I will work on gathering more tools on peer pressure.  This time I was able to stop myself. What about next time.  I see the concern.  To easily thow away 1 year and 11 months and so many days is upsetting enough, but why I couldn't tell her no is another.  Why did I have to hide my sobriety like that?  Like I am ashamed to admit I have a problem?  Why did I choose to hide it from somebody that's not apart of my regular life but a childhood associate.  I don't like that I couldn't tell her about my recovery.  Why did I keep that secret and let that make me feel like a looser.  Dose that make sense?  It was the first time I felt ashamed of being the square one, the goody goody one.

But I do not feel I used. It's harder to spit than swallow. Lol
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495284_tn?1333897642
I agree with IBK.  For me that would of been considered a relapse.  I would of ingested some of it   Relapse happens long before we use.  You spoke of your house getting to be like the show Hoarders and i think you let your brain become the same way.  You didnt tell your friend the truth as you knew what she brought to the table, plain and simple.  I hope this scared you enough to not only clean your house but to clean your brain again~
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Avatar_m_tn
Google relapse prevention, learn about the symptoms of relapse. I still relapse all the time, but I catch it before I take a pill. Great advice above.
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2083449_tn?1381358308
I understand, bama.  I'm glad you didn't swallow. Geeze that sounds weird, doesn't it? I know I would not have been able to spit it out. No way. I can't be near anything or anyone with pills right now.  It scares me to death to even think about it. I met someone at a meeting once, who slipped after 25 years. It was absolutely heartbreaking.  Please stay strong, and do everything to make sure you don't put yourself at risk again.

All the best to you!
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495284_tn?1333897642
What would you tell the one(s) you sponsor if they did this?  Are you going to tell your home group what happened?
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Avatar_f_tn
It scared the day lights out of me....I thought I was past all that.  I haven't even thought of using again.  I am overwhelmed with change.  It showed me how EASY it is to relapse. In a blink of an eye.  How this disease stays with us our WHOLE LIFE.  I know when I hit the one year mark I said never ever again. And here I was standing in a bad spot.  Allowing myself to let down my guard. It's with us all the time. Addiction.  It's never ending.  It showed me how powerful this disease is.  I know I've been under a lot of pressures with life.  And I hate my birthday.  This is never a good month.  Plus... Sons moving in with a girl. Daughter moving to new school.  Mother in law going to home.  My parents in financial binds. All this time I the responsible one.  And seeing her from the past.  And me turning another year older.  I've been dealing with a lot of emotions. And for that one brief moment  wanting to numb out sounded like a good idea. That's how it begins for me. I want a break.  And I KNOW THATS THE WRONG ANSWER. I KNOW.

And I have to work on that.

What frightens me is when does that go away?.  I guess never.  When does the panic attacks go away?  I've spent so much time fighting this disease only for it to show up again.
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Avatar_m_tn
I was thinking the other day at a outdoor music venue. Different peoepld come up to me than they did 2 years ago. I think as we grow, we just have no drug vibe anymore. Addicts spot each other easily. We are by nature attracted to those like ourselves, Mexicans, Chinese, punk rockers, and addicts too. It's like that look you get in India after awhile. Peoe stop asking you for money after about a month, because you aren't green anymore. Hang with people you want to be like, addicts are the one group that have to look for different people than people like themselves. We have to find ways to be someone else. People don't ask and I don't look for it. I told everyone though, so that situation couldn't happen. Anyone in my house knew I would kick their azz if I saw drugs. I told my dealer he might find my wife with a shotgun if he knocks on the door. She still scares him. Brutal honesty seems in order my friend, tough love of yourself.
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Avatar_f_tn
Congrats to ya Nama but ur post scared the **** out of me. First I hope It doesn't take me 2 years to clean my my house. 2nd took me back to how much I got done on an oxy.
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3197167_tn?1348972206
Bama girl....these questions of yours:

"Why did I have to hide my sobriety like that?  Like I am ashamed to admit I have a problem?  Why did I choose to hide it from somebody that's not apart of my regular life but a childhood associate.  I don't like that I couldn't tell her about my recovery.  Why did I keep that secret and let that make me feel like a looser."

These are GOOD questions and questions you REALLY NEED to find the answers to.  I'm gonna assume if you ARE a sponsor that you also HAVE a sponsor, right?  Meeting with her and talking about this would be just one of the very best things you could do.  Talking in your meetings and sharing all you did with us would also be an EXCELLENT idea.  You throw it out there...and the feedback, suggestions, help and love will be phenomenal!!
You need to find answers to your questions I quoted above...but also the next set of questions you posted:

"What frightens me is when does that go away?.  I guess never.  When does the panic attacks go away?  I've spent so much time fighting this disease only for it to show up again"

Numbing out is what we "used to do" to deal with all the stresses in our lives.  When "life events" start building.....as an addict we don't have the luxury of allowing the stress to build and build.  STRESS hormones building in the brain/body of an addict is a VERY dangerous to us...We must find a release valve and sharpen our life skills...how we cope.  We have to LEARN our coping skills for life all over again.....without a substance.  Chemical relief is what we always USED to do.....and that's why it's our immediate reaction.  But I can tell you....the more I practice NEW life skills the less often my mind thinks about relieving my stress with a chemical because I am finding NEW ways.  The panic attacks, the stress are all indicators that you have more to learn.  We all do.  Recovery is an ongoing process... EVERY day.  When we take a break....we risk relapse
.  
Lastly, I gotta tell ya...even if you can't laugh today about this maybe you will some day...your comment
"Yes, I chewed...but I NEVER SWALLOWED" reminds me of this one:

"Yes, I smoked pot...but I NEVER INHALED."  (Bill Clinton)

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1827057_tn?1397523877
BTW CIK I immediately though Bill Clinton. ;))

Bama hang in there and be very very careful not to go ahead and say F it just because you did something stupid. It could get way worse than what you did.
I did something similar several years ago when I had about 8 months in for the first time in my adult life and it did a number on me. Just be careful and stay away from these friends. I can't, scratch that, WON'T be around any of them anymore because even when they say they are clean it usually means they haven't had any drugs in the last day or so, lol

Just hang in there and don't do that again
If I would have done that I would have swallowed for sure! ;)
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Avatar_m_tn
I was thinking how hard it was to tell my banker, my neighbors, my friends, postal deliverer. If I saw them on a regular bases, I said something. I was pretty desperate to succeed. It felt good to not hide from "anyone." After a while, I thought, "What have I done." Since I fessed up, I could ask if they felt different about me. Everyone is my support. I even spoke openly about my bipolar, the cops were much nicer to me after mentioning it, others seem down right scared. I felt like moving, running away, you know, normal addict feelings, but I didn't. Had I not been honest with all those people, I would be dead a mental hospital or who knows. Point is, people come to me for help now. The honest showed I was committed, nobody wants to announce a wedding, until the bride and broom are both certain. The announcement made people believe I was over it. I believe I have more respect than before I started opiates. My fear before was irrational a self-defeating, I am amazed at  how understanding most people are.
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1926359_tn?1331591739
You know I just messaged you privately but I just want to say a big kudos to you for recognizing, taking responsibility, and going about the steps to make sure your guard is up- way up.
I've known you for nearly 3 years now and we've been a big part of each other's journey's.  I know that you are a woman who takes care of EVERYONE and it is so important to you to be strong, funny, and always positive NO MATTER WHAT.  I admire this about you, but also recognize it's danger as I recognize it in myself.
For some reason, even after almost 3 years of intensive therapy and recovery work, I still hold a deep seated belief that pain, illness, and addiction is weakness.  I don't think this about others- only myself.  I never beat up on others for their mistakes, or think they are weak or victims because they are sick or addicted, only myself.
I think maybe Bama that you share this belief with me.  It's a dangerous one that I am still working very, very hard on.
The last thing you are is a LOSER.  You are a SURVIVOR.  What you've been through in your life- with your daughter, your husband, your mother, and your own illness is mind blowing.  You always find a way.  My fear for you is that you put everyone before yourself.  And I really want you lovely lady, as I am trying so hard to do as well, is PUT YOU FIRST.
The world will not fall apart if you do this.
But your world may fall apart if you don't.
You've come a long way, baby, and I want you to keep going.

Lastly- to all of you out there who are confronted daily with people offering you drugs, or using drugs around you, or constantly having triggers, but making other choices- KUDOS to you for being so strong and making tough choices.
I have never had a single person in my life who was a drug abuser that wasn't in recovery (with exception of my ex-husband whom I never see)
Maybe because my involvement with the meds has always been purely medical.
I do have to tell you though- this weekend at the hospital- was so f-ing hard for me.  I've been to the ER about 4 times since my horrific endo nightmare began again last October.  This visit was the first time I've allowed them to give me pain meds.  And I almost didn't.  If it weren't for a very tough and compassionate nurse that gave me a huge lecture about my health and safety, then I probably would have refused.  Which is CRAZY because I am taking pain medication daily and have been for nearly 10 weeks.
I was just so so afraid- of the rush, of being seen as weak and needing help from drugs.
These are my triggers.  It wasn't until I allowed the pain meds in that I realized just how high my pain level was.  I had been living at an 8 because of my refusal to take what was prescribed.  It was a miracle to be below a 5 and after a long discussion with the ER nurse and specialist- they made me understand how much danger I was putting myself in by refusing proper pain control.
So I examine this.  And I realize that me accepting help and pain relief is the fastest way for me to get better, to get proper care, and the surgery that I need so I can leave all this in the past and continue on with my drug free life.

I was putting what others thought of me first.  I was putting my need to appear strong and in control first.  I was putting my need to be sober first.  And in my situation- this was very, very dangerous indeed.  In fact, looking back- it was this exact behaviour that led me down the road of 6 years of chronic illness, pain, and too many drugs and surgeries to count.  If I'd just admitted to myself and to others that I was sick and needed help right away, I may not have lost that six years and ended up in that dark hell.
So lesson learned- I'm getting and taking all the help I can get.
It's not easy, and I will always remain conflicted, because I have to.
I will not spend another 6 years or even another 6 months desperate, sick, and on drugs because I am too stubborn or proud to demand the care that I need.

Sorry I went off there Bama- but I hope you see the parallels.
YOU first.  Everything else will take care of itself.
Love
Lu
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Avatar_m_tn
hang in there, i am glad to see you post this and talk it out, i think it helps all of us.
we are what we think about......
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Avatar_m_tn
You're ok, you know. You have a good sense of consequence that put enough fear in you to cause you to spit it out: daughter finding out, overdosing, how it would be seen by your recovery community. That's three reasons your mind gave you not to use against the one reason it gave you to use - stress. You have developed strong visceral life saving reactions over the last two years. You will be ok. Keep cleaning!
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Avatar_m_tn
Great Post Bama! I remember you from a couple years ago, on my first attempt to quit, so proud of you!!!
Think I will go tackle my pile of laundry, lol
Bones
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Avatar_f_tn
Dang, this thread is intense. And scary. I was just thinking if my sponsor got into that situation, I would be weirded out, honestly. (You mentioned you have sponsees) I love the responses you got. The folks on here are not sugar coating it. And not judging you at all either:)

No way in Hades I would have spit that out. No way. Some  "friend" you've got there, right? I know you are asking yourself this question but I wonder what kept you from saying something as soon as you saw the pills? I would like to know for myself: what others go thru is a learning experience for me. I wonder if you are cleaning your house so thoroughly out of guilt?

Great that you recognize all that stuff. And all the questions you are asking yourself, great job, imo. This IS so hard and I just wanna escape, too. I told my last connection no, yesterday and it was hard. I wanted to keep the door open, so to speak. I'm still feeling weird and angry honestly about it. I gotta go to my meeting and talk about it. Ugh. So, I I empathize w/ not being able to tell someone, "no".

A year and 1/2? Wow!!! I'm jealous:)
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Avatar_f_tn
Yes I talked to my sponser.  She didn't judged but listened and told me at her year mark she went on a binder. And was amazed at me spitting it out before I swallowed.  We talked about the anger I am at myself, and everything.  It is what it is.  I'd rather slip than fall. And because I spit it out and can recongnize the consequences shows a lot of progress.  Yes this is a deep subject.  Because I believe so many would have swallowed and kept it secret. Or took one and later threw it away.  I don't work that way.  Now I got to move on. I chose to share this to help me stay responsible and accountable.  And to let everyone else see how addiction works. A cunning baffling disease.

Thanks guys.
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8323481_tn?1405709254
Wow, good on you!  What did you do with the ones she left for you?
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