Cocaine & alcohol addiction

[elusive1]

Hello, I was doing research on how to get a handle on things and I ran into this website. It seems that there's a lot of informative people here and I'm hoping that someone can help me. My cousin was addicted to drugs until depression took over and he committed suicide. My brother is/was (that part I'm not entirely sure, he's still not the same) addicted to drugs and I saw how it broke his family apart. My question is regarding my fiance. A couple of years ago, he tried cocaine. I think it all started with mixing it with his liquor. As soon as I found out that he started messing with the stuff, I broke up with him. A few months later he contacted me and we reconciled. He told me that he just wanted to try it to see how it felt and he wasn't addicted. Naturally, I've been with him for nearly 5 years at the time and he's never had any drug problems and in fact he's a hypochondriac so I believed him. Last January, I noticed that he started binge drinking. He wouldn't exactly drink everyday but when he started drinking, he wouldn't stop until the next day and a few months ago, I started noticing traces of white stuff on the kitchen counter, the coffee table, the computer table....etc. I even saw a couple of cocaine periphenalias laying around. He either says that they're not his or they're from his "experimenting" days. I asked him to get help. He said he doesn't mess around with the stuff. He says that cocaine is only good the first time and the next time around the feeling's not as good. He promised me that he only tried it a few times in the past and he's done with it. I've seen traces of blood around his nose these past few months, some blood on pillow cases, his nose is always dirty, and still he denies his use. Lately he's been picking fights with me for no reason. He tells me that I'm keeping him locked up and he feels like a caged animal because he can't go out and do stuff with his friends. When in fact, he is able to do that only I get upset when he comes home drunk and continues to drink until morning. We're suppose to get married in a month a half. I don't know what to do. When I left him before, he said he was lost. He didn't know what to do with himself and his left went spiraling down. He told me that he needs me in his life. I don't know if I should stay and help him or if I should leave. But he hasn't admitted anything for him to ask my help. I'm so torn. It seems that things go worse for him when he started working at his job 9 months ago. He's in sales and his job rewards the sales people be giving them expensive bottles of vodka or tequila and they take them to a bar once a week. Just about all the sales team has a cocaine problem, some meth, some marijuana, so all. Even the director, the supervisors, they all do blow. He loves his job. He feels that they are all nice, fun, people that understand him. Everyone there became his best friend and I'm the one that doesn't understand anything and I need to loosen up (according to him and them). What do I do? What can I do? Thanks in advance for your response.

[j34]

There is one thing that I know as a cocaine addict is that nobody stopped me from using ,once an addict always an addict ,I am now a recoving addict! Nice!. I was in denial in all shapes and forms .There is a program which I think you might find interesting. It is nar anon or al anon. There are both support for people with people in their lives who have addiction and alcohol issues. It is great. I too can't tell you whether or not to  leave him but obviously this is an issue that you are reaching out so listen to yourself and know that is isn't personal from him us addicts are sick with a disease which there is no known cure but it can however be arrested at some point and then and only then is recovery possible it ! I really strongly suggest a support group with people who know about this and have walked in your shoes and today are living a happy life k I wish you well, and I know that this hurts I too just went through it for a yr with a using addict while I am in recovery,it broke my heart to see what I put other people through in my active addiction. Also broke my heart to see somebody I love killing themselves but I can not control anybody there is a saying  I didn't cause it , I can't control it and I can't cure it He has to do that for himself and you need not be the enabler! Take your own life in your hands cause this is true he will suck you  dry emotionally , physically, spiritually, and emotionally, NOT A WAY TO LIVE You are worthy of love and respect , honest,open and loving relationships with all .I wish you well and am here if you need to chat ..j

[gizzy32]

Keep us updated ok. I hope he sees the light before it's too late. Good luck!

[elusive1]

I bought a book called Codependent No More. I've been reading it for the past couple of days.  It still really painful to think that he acts the way he does and that he has addictions. But this book certainly helps in putting things in perspective for me. I guess all I can do is detach since I can't control him. It's going to be really hard but I do want what's best for both of us. I will take your advice gizzy32 and check out an alanon or narcanon if not both. Thank you.

[gizzy32]

I would never tell someone to leave someone, that is the choice you have to make and by the sounds of it, it's a good one. Forget the coke for one sec, any man that gets physical with a women is a coward and more than likely will continue to do so so you need to do what's best for you.

Someone that is addicted to coke will become aggitated easy and start to have paranoia along many many more changes. I was not the same person on this drug, it was all I cared about. I can't tell you what to do, but if he does not stop, your future with this man is one that you don't want trust me. Like mentioned above, if you can check out alanon or narcanon i would suggest doing so. I will send you the link.

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/


P.S. He keeps doing coke and his 200lb body will become so frail and weak. Not many drugs match the damage coke does on the nervous system.

[elusive1]

Should I leave him? At this point I don't think he even really cares if I stay or go. We've been together for a while and have planned out our future. I feel like I'm in a twilight zone. He used to be so sweet and took charge of things. The planning of the wedding, searching for our home, even the plan for a baby. But lately he's even gotten physical with me and I had to protect myself by fighting back and pushing him away. He didn't punch me or hit me with his hand, but he would grab me really hard, and grab my face, he would twist my wrist, and even bite me. All he could do was laugh while he's putting all his weight on me. I'm so angry. He's 6'1, 200lbs. I'm 5'1, 105 lbs. It really hurt and now he tells me that I'm too violent and that he only wants to be in a public place with me due to my actions. He's driving me crazy! I'm starting to second guess myself and my actions. Is this the drugs? Is this really him?

[imanaddict]

Oh man I am so sorry to hear about that! I'm not sure there is a whole lot you can do because he's still actively denying he's using. He doesn't want help and you can't help an addict unless they want it themselves.

I would suggest you still standing your ground and do whatever it takes for him to realize you mean business. I think he's lying to you because you left him in the past and he knows you might leave again. That might be just what needs to happen for him to wake up and get help. Put your marriage on hold until he seeks the professional help he needs. I wish you nothing but the best and I sincerely hope he gets better!

[gizzy32]

Well, I am a cocaine addict and in active use, nobody and i mean nobody would come between me and coke. I put it above family, friends, girlfriends and it didn't take long until it destroyed my life. I don't know how bad he is into it, but if he is around those using, the chances of him stopping are almost nil, it's that hard. Cocaine is very very very mentally addictive and I most times those addicted need some help. If you are about to marry this man, think long and hard what your getting into. It sounds like he is using more than he lets on, just my opinion.

If he is drinking also that is a bad combo. Even after a few drinks coke cravings can become so strong, there is nothing that will stop ya, at least for me anyway. The bottom line is we have to stop for ourselves and it sounds like he is in total denial. It took praying for death, an overdose and an ambulance ride for me to stop this drug. I hope he sees the light. Send me a message if you need to. Great support group here.