Codeine addiction support

[Sienna1984]

Hi, this is my first post here, or anywhere on this subject...I'm feeling very alone and seeing that there are so many here with the same problem I've got made me feel much better.

I've been abusing codeine for over 2 years now, since I was 23. I was hospitalised with a twisted bowel and given morphine, and when I got out of hospital my dad gave me some of his Solpadol (30mg codeine + 200mg paracetamol) tablets to help the pain I still had. He gets 100 of these a month prescribed due to a knee injury and has done since 2000.

When I ran out of the prescription ones, I started taking Solpadeine Max, 8mg of codeine, as I was getting back pain and headaches when I stopped taking them. I graduated to Nurofen Plus, working my way up to 30 - 40 a day. Occasionally my dad would give me a 100 pill box of his tablets as by this time I was telling my family I suffered from migraines, which was true, but I only got them when I stopped taking the pills.

My dad asked me straight out if I was addicted about a year ago when I asked for more pills, I told him I wasn't and that I wasn't bothered if he gave them to me or not. I sometimes stole them from him when I didn't want him getting suspicious. I stopped asking him for them, and funnily enough that made him offer them to me! I ended up taking 20 a day on average of those, 600mg a day of codeine, when I could get them, which wasn't often.

I don't look like a drug addict. I've got a good job that I do well in, I have a mortgage and a dog, I go to church on Sundays and I function fine in everyday life. I hid my addiction well, and tried not to think about it too much. I did not acccept at all that I was a drug addict. I went to different chemists to get the Nurofen and at different days of the week as I did not want the staff to recognise me. I disposed of the empty boxes and strips carefully so my fiance didn't suspect anything.

I did try to get help - I called a couple of drug addiction helplines and was told that it wasn't something they could help me with as it was a legal drug, so I just felt confused and ashamed.

Last week the depression and exhaustion of hiding my addiction got too much - I'd reached a stage where I wasn't so scared of dying of an overdose, more that it would be a painful death. I couldn't see any way out, I had tried going cold turkey several times and felt like I was dying with heart palpitations, asthma and back pain. I tried weaning myself off but the depression (which seems like too light a word for how it was) meant that I took more pills just to get through the day without breaking down.

I booked an appointment with a locum GP as I was too ashamed to see my own and I told her everything. I'd read about people confessing to their GP's and being told 'just stop taking them' and being faced with very little sympathy so I was terrified. However, when I eventually managed to get the words out and said for the first time that I was an addict she was so sympathetic and told me that this is a very common problem, especially for women. She's prescribed me 480mg of codeine a day to be reduced by 30mg a day each week.

I've felt both relieved and ashamed since I saw the GP, more ashamed than anything. I know I'm very lucky to have a sympathetic doctor, and she's since met with my own GP and she phoned me at home to tell me she was going to be supporting me as well and was pleased I had asked for help. I can't shake this 'depression' though and my biggest fear is that I won't be able to reduce the pills. My brother came to visit me with another box of pills from my dad yesterday which I asked him to take back, but he left them in my kitchen and I am too weak to throw them away.

There's no-one in my life I can talk to about this. I know my fiance would support me, but I am terrified of how disappointed he will be. Same goes for my parents. I told my brother, but he doesn't seem to realise how serious it is. I have a horrible feeling I am going to fail. I am also worried about what I've done to myself - I had a bowel resection and only have half a stomach so am not meant to take ibruprofen anyway - I am SO angry with myself for being so stupid and weak and pathetic! I don't see a way out if I fail at this with all the support my doctors are giving me.

I'm sorry this is so long and rambling and I don't expect replies as I felt like I just have to get all of this out of me as it feels like such a huge, dark ugly thing. I am so impressed by the people on here who are going cold turkey, you should be incredibly proud of yourselves and I wish you all the best in getting off codeine.

[IBKleen]

No hun, no offense. My concern was that you would not seek the help you need thinking that you were a "drug addict" and labeling it, so to speak.

Again, glad that you were able to open up here and also to the doctor you seem to be comfortable with.

I assumed you were in the UK or australia. I know that your DOC is more accessable there. But drugs are drugs and it does not matter what kind.

A note about the depression....it is very common as your brain is making a severe adjustment. Some people need to take medication for a time to adjust, some do not. Either way, listen to your doctor and she what they think and go with their instruction as well as your gut. there is no shame in taking a medication for depression. It is simply a chemical imbalance and is often times curable.

Good for you to open up to your parents. Again, I think you will be surprised.

Stick around here. You will get great advise and lots of support from people just like you. Keep us updated and congrats on taking a step in the right direction!!!!

[Sienna1984]

Thank you for replying - please know I didn't mean to offend by saying I don't look like a drug addict - what I meant was that I had a very sheltered upbringing and for the reasons of looking to the outside world like a 'normal' responsible adult I couldn't accept what I am actually doing.

I do need to tell my parents at least to stop them sending me drugs - it doesn't happen often but I know if a box turned up 6 months from now I would take them. I feel very panicky thinking about telling anyone though, but it one more thing I need to get past.

BTW, I live in the UK.

Thank you again for your replies.

[refusingbondage]

First, welcome. You will find amazing people and support here.  You are certainly not alone in this -- so many of us have been where you are and worse.  You were very smart in talkign to your doctor.  If you really want off, you can do this.  If taper is what you want to do then it will be quite difficult, but its not impossible.  Just keep in constant touch with the doctor, FLUSH the extra box of pills right away, and stick to the schedule.  Its not going to be easy and it will never be fun, but you can do it.  My suggestion - talk to your fiancee.  This is HARD to do alone.  You need support, especially with a taper.  Don't be ashamed.. This is the man you are going to marry, he loves you obviously.. you are an addict and you should not be ashamed.  Not when you are trying to help yourself.  Talk to him.  It will be most helpful to you as its imperative to have someone to be accountable to.  He can hold your pills and dose them out to you on a strict taper schedule.  If your addiciton gets worse, think of how much more disappointed he could be... if its not possible to talk to him and have his help and you cannot get the taper done yourself, then talk to the doctor about medication that can help ease cold turkey withdrawal.. something to help you sleep, etc.  This is a LOT mental.. if you are ready and determined you can do this.. it wont be easy but the reward is worth the struggle.. Also - opiate addiction is brutal when it comes to depression.. your dopamine levels are depleted.. give yourself time.   The depression will lift.. its been recommended by some really smart cookies on thsi site to start at temporary mild antidepressant during opiate withdrwal.. another option you might want to talk to the doctor about..  I wish you a lot of luck and hope you are able to do this.  You can if you want it.  God bless..

[122 Tactical Fighter Group]

The first step IS getting it out - - and coming to the realization that you are far from alone. Isolation will spell your doom. You need support.....and you can find support here.I didnt look to see where you are located - but it must be a Brit country.....Aussie or GB  or Canada - the availability if OTC codeine is a problem......and to obtain enough codeine for a buzz a huge amount of paracetamol has to be ingested - unless you use an extraction method and we dont go there on this forum.........Your Doc is sympathetic and seems to know the program.......480mg of codeine is only 8 tylenol #4's......and codeine is a weak narcotic. I usually did 20 or more t-4's for several years and the withdrawal was much less than oxy or even hydrocodone......that doesnt mean that it will be easy......but you can do it.  Dig down deep and find your "war face" and put it on. You are in a fight for your life and addiction can kill you - especially with pre-existing conditions (I have those also..) - - - - There is no reason to be ashamed here........Sherlock Holmes had a coke problem...as did Sigmund Freud.......Burroughs was an opiate freak.....and Barack Obama admitted inhaling and even snorting........dont be too hard on yourself ..... addicts are frequently our own worst enemies.......And you dont have to fail.......get that straight .... obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off the goal....stay focused....you can have this all the way done in a few short weeks............best of luck!!

[IBKleen]

What does a drug addict look like? Jut curious because I am a college graduate---35 years as an accountant. I own my home and three cars. I don't LOOK like a drug addict either, but I am one. You need to lose the stereotype as it will stand in your way of getting help and I would hate to see that happen.

That being said, there is nothing to be ashamed of. You are not stupid, weak or pathetic. None of us are. We are addicts and we have a disease.

Good for you that you opened up to your doctor at least. Listen to him/her and let them in and let them help you. Just like so many here---you can do this. Tapering is difficult at best and if you possibly can open up to your dad or your fiance and let them help as well. It would be best to have someone hold the pills and give them to you as scheduled so that you are not tempted. And again, temptation does not make you weak.

So what do you think about opening up to dad and your finance?? You would be surprised at how they will react. My gut feeling is that they will help. they may understand it, but they are very likely to help.

It is good to see that you came here and felt comfortable enough to open up. Keep posting and talking here. You will find people from all walks of life on all different types of drugs. The one thing we have in common is that we are all addicts and we want freedom from addiction. So stick around and good luck.