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3176864 tn?1391555073

Continue to Relapse

I really do not know what is going on with me.  I stopped using January 3, over next month I relapsed twice.  Then I cut out all my sources, thinking this would be enough for me.  Well I have had 2 opportunities to use from completely random sources and both times I have caved.  

I am starting to realize that the time is going to come when I am around pills and I have to have the strength to just say no.  I cannot continue on this crazy mental roller coaster.  

Just using for 1 or 2 days, sets me back mentally to day 1 with all the anxiety, cravings and bad thoughts.

I have started aftercare, but now I realize it is really on me, when faced with these situations I just simply do not use any tools I have to stay clean.

Any suggestions?
12 Responses
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1416133 tn?1351123217
See, I think the thing is, we just have to be sick enough of the lifestyle to decide once and for all that we can't do it anymore.  We have to let go and surrender to the recovery process.  And the recovery really can start today.

So.. I guess I'm just trying to say, I think you did great.  And don't underestimate the power of anger during the early phase of recovery.  It can be a great motivator and help to keep you focused on your committment to sobriety.
Helpful - 0
3176864 tn?1391555073
Well today has gone ok.  The unbelievable thing is I was getting out of my car at lunch and found a norco in my change jar.  I just couldn't believe it.  So I looked at if for a minute then put it in my pocket.  I started walking down the street and realized if I take this I have to start over again.  I actually got quite upset, pulled the pill out and threw it in the sewer.  

It's truly the first time when having pills that I didn't take it.  What a crazy test, it did make my mind go crazy for a minute, but then once I got rid of it everything calmed down.  It was only 1 but it was huge step for me
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
When you have had enough of this insanity you will do whatever it takes to get and stay clean.  We have to change our playground and playmates along with our thinking.  That is where your counseling will come in.  You can do this!
Helpful - 0
3176864 tn?1391555073
I know exactly how u feel.  The reason my relapses are so short is i cut off my long time sources.  So now for me it is a matter of changing my obsessive behavior and being able to find a way to not put myself around pills.

I promise you if you stop now, you wont feel too bad but if you keep going it could last a long time.

Good luck
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I am in the same situation was clean since Feb 5 th caved on day 18. 3 day relapse and here I am back to square one feeling mentally and physically defeated. Im waiting for more to come thru and save me for another few hours. When really I know Thats not the answer. The answer is quit and find different ways to deal w mental physical pain. This is one of the hardest things next to heartbreak Ive encounterd. Its hard but there is proof here that it can be done!
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
I know what you mean.  I went through I don't know how many relapses after 2, 3, 4 days.  Sometimes a week or so.   One time this last fall I actually made 28 days and relapsed.   I couldn't understand how I let this happen and what the attraction was.   #1)  I liked the warm rush and high  #2)  I liked the energy they gave me  BUT I didn't like how they took over my life completely.  Finances, relationships, pill counting, lying about my where abouts, worrying if my contact will come through, going through wd's waiting, going through wd's deciding this was it, and then getting some.  It was a nightmare and the only way to get out is to decide that the downside of them was outweighing the benefits.   I HAD to take control.   That was the only option left.   Pills were no longer an option.    In my early days if someone dropped off pills on my desk I would have gobbled them up to.  Now I would say "no thanks, I don't need these".  (although my addict would have romanced the idea)  But to get to that point I had to walk through the fire with the support and accountability.   I went to a meeting EVERY DAY.  I came on here every day.  I read and researched everything I could about addiction and what to expect.   Once I accepted that I was going to have to go through this, I was ok with not being ok for a bit.  And I did what everyone said I needed to do.   Tell my secret, make myself accountable, cut my sources, and go to meetings.   Once I did that, there was no going back.  And it is freeing.   :))    
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
"The battle between the for and against is the minds biggest disease". Bruce lee said that and I believe it.It sounds like you're half assing things no offense. Stop now before it gets worse. Let all your friends and co-workers know you're a recovering addict. Try NA meetings. Most ppl don't like them but you can meet a lot of good ppl there (new friends that are clean).
Helpful - 0
1827057 tn?1397520277
There you go.It was not quite random at all now that you look at it.I think you have learned something.Don't be hard on yourself.We are in a tough spot when in early abstinence and you are doing the right thing.Just do more of it lol    keep it up we care about you
Helpful - 0
3176864 tn?1391555073
These last two times, one was a co-worker who just dropped off some old pills from cleaning his desk knowing I had a back problem and this last time was a friend I have not seen in over 1 1/2 years.  I knew with the friend the moment he contacted me it could be a source, so I pursued it and of course some were available.

I know taking one puts me back to the beginning.  It is such a frustrating process being so controlled by something.  
Helpful - 0
1827057 tn?1397520277
great advice!
Helpful - 0
4204073 tn?1361831476
The aftercare will help you understand what is going on with you, how to recognize your mental relapses before you actually do, and how to build your new life substance free.   When you are so new in recovery, it is nearly impossible to say no if you don't have some kind of support or accountability system in place.   Are you sure you didn't know these people that randomly offered you some, in the back of your mind started thinking they might have some?   We subconsciously and consciously put ourselves in situations like these when we are mentally relapsing.   Our addict is in control of our thoughts in these times.   It's like an internal battle going on in your head.   You already know that taking one is going to take you back to square one.  Try this "whenever you think about or are tempted to take one, play the tape out to the end.  Visualize the end results.  Are you happy with the end result?"    We tend to focus on the middle rather than the end.  I would say to myself if I take that pill(s) it's going to wear off and then I have to start over.  I don't want to do that.  And I don't think you do either.  
Helpful - 0
1827057 tn?1397520277
I think that you have a good point about it being up to you and not the gods or fate.  Just hang in there and try to get to a month,then two months.We have all relapsed,me anyway.We just have to put even more effort in.
Helpful - 0
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495284 tn?1333894042
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