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Day 17. Temptation and surviving your decision to be clean
First..Happy Memorial Day to you all. And a huge thank you to all the men and women who fight to keep us strong and free. For us addicts, that has a double meaning. (PLEASE DON'T MOVE TO SOCIAL MODERATOR - THIS IS INTENDED FOR THIS BOARD).
Today I'm on 17 days of freedom from drugs that have owned me and lost me 9 years of my life. Today could easily have been starting all over at Day one because of the devil that will continue to live in all of us..temptation. I spent yesterday in a home filled with family. And a treasure trove of narcotics. The devil told me I could just take one. Get me through the day. It messed with my brain for 24 hours before I headed there. My good friend and fellow de-toxer, Dixiechick, knowing that temptation was fighting me, offered to stay on my shoulder all day. She was right there and flicked and pulled my ear painfully several times when I was tempted to walk into the "storage room". I never did. Thank you Dixie. This was a huge turning point for me and because my sleep is still in strange chunks at strange times, I've been up since 1 am reflecting on this journey.
For those of you struggling to begin a clean life, for those of you in the first week of hell and for those of you who are now in a stage where it's all about choice..here's what I think we all need to remember.
Stage one: Making the decision to get clean. You have to want this as much as you want to live. Because it's the only way you can continue to live. We can support you and will. But if you don't want this for you, 110%, it won't work. Sorry. It's gotta come from within. Prepare. Whether you wean (didn't work for me) or go cold turkey, know and accept week one is gonna be hell. If you can take a week off from life and work, do it. I could not function during week one. Have stuff ready at home. Vitamins that include your Bs, potassium for the leg aches, look up the Thomas recipe if you haven't. It saved me. Liquids. Lots. You don't want to dehydrate. Whether it's GatorAid or a Vitamin water, get liquids into yourself non-stop that have nutrients in it. Stock up on Ensure Boost. It's a meal in a bottle (thank you Minn). In addition to being hydrated, you need to nourish and this is packed with protein. I had to take Xanax. The anxiety killed me. Get some sleep aids. They won't help for everyone and did nothing for me but just stock up on everything like you're going into a winter storm. The worst storm ever. Popsicles (right Sonrissa?) The cold feels great. Bananas. Epsom salts. Immodium (a lot) There will be a lot of bathing going down. Now you're committed and stocked. D-day.....
Stage Two: Withdrawal week. Accept this is going to be awful. We've been abusing our bodies and minds for how long? You can live through this. First and foremost..GET RID OF ALL PILLS AND SOURCES OF PILLS. Flush. Flush. Flush. You are committed right? Tell your doctor, your street vendor, your pharmacy..I AM DONE. If you hold on to any source, it will kick you right in the arse. Because the devil is coming back. Trust me. I needed to live in the moment. I made a chart of 120 hours which equals five days. That's the worst. And I would check off those hours. For me, days 3-5 were utter hell. No sleep. Mind all over the place. Emotions all over the board. Living in the bathroom. Tossing. Turning. Crying. And then coming here. To listen. To be encouraged. To be held strong. To be assured I would survive. I did. You will too. And when you get to day 7 you will KNOW you are stronger than the pills and devil. Long hot baths. Music. Waves or rain falling. You can download these apps for free. Small walks. Five minutes on the treadmill. Don't look back. Don't look forward. Just focus on the now. Drink and nourish. And with each trip to your bathroom visualize the toxins coming out of you..staying out of you. Replace those toxins with something your body craves. Nutrition and fluids. Deep breathing. I had hypnosis. Huge for me.
Stage three. This is our life after hell week. It is the rest of our lives. The first time I posted on this board on Mother's Day in my 48th hour I was given some advice I didn't understand or even feel I needed. Have a Plan B. You've gotten through the physical. Now comes the mental. In addition to be addicted physically we are addicted mentally (and always will be). So who's gonna win? Who's stronger? The pill? Or you? It's up to you. Let's go back to stage one. The reason you made the decision to get clean. Every freaking single day the first thing I do is go back and read my posts from hell week. It reminds me. Because we can easily forget. I almost did yesterday. The devil was smack in my face toying with my mind all day. And I was weak. So Plan B for me? Stay right here with these amazing people who hold me strong and push me and remind me why I'm doing this. Thank you Dixie. Thank you Minn. Thank you Pat. Thank you Sonrissa. Thank you Dane. Thank you Firefly. Thank you Nowornever. Thank you Smilesforeva. All of you. Thank you. Right here is my Plan B. This forum. These people.
But it ultimately comes down to our own decision. Some of us will stumble. If you do and are committed, don't look back. Only forward. Some of us will doubt our decision. But our decision still remains. Know that it's the devil f'ing with your head. Don't let it win. Live in the moment. Don't think about what will happen 2 weeks from now. Day by Day. I know what I hope to accomplish today. Small goals that grow in size with each day. I have no clue what tomorrow holds and don't really care. I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow.
I did this. I will continue to do this. Because I want to be free. Have a mantra when your mind is most restless. Mine is..I am free of all addiction and pain. Over and over. And here's a little trick from my hypnotist when faced with urges of any kind: Put your thumbs in the palm of your hand and squeeze them with your finger so tightly it hurts. While doing that, breathe slowly in and hold for 10 seconds. While holding feel the pain then slowly release your breath and thumbs. Open your eyes. And do this 5 more times. Slow. Really slow. When you're done, say your mantra. Then go do something else. Get away from the urge. It should be gone. Let's just say after yesterday, I've got two really sore thumbs today!
I love you all. We're all doing this together. We're all pushing and praying and cheering and holding on for dear life. This is not a journey you can do alone. But only you can make the decision to start the journey and then live your life following the journey. You with me?
waz
Today I'm on 17 days of freedom from drugs that have owned me and lost me 9 years of my life. Today could easily have been starting all over at Day one because of the devil that will continue to live in all of us..temptation. I spent yesterday in a home filled with family. And a treasure trove of narcotics. The devil told me I could just take one. Get me through the day. It messed with my brain for 24 hours before I headed there. My good friend and fellow de-toxer, Dixiechick, knowing that temptation was fighting me, offered to stay on my shoulder all day. She was right there and flicked and pulled my ear painfully several times when I was tempted to walk into the "storage room". I never did. Thank you Dixie. This was a huge turning point for me and because my sleep is still in strange chunks at strange times, I've been up since 1 am reflecting on this journey.
For those of you struggling to begin a clean life, for those of you in the first week of hell and for those of you who are now in a stage where it's all about choice..here's what I think we all need to remember.
Stage one: Making the decision to get clean. You have to want this as much as you want to live. Because it's the only way you can continue to live. We can support you and will. But if you don't want this for you, 110%, it won't work. Sorry. It's gotta come from within. Prepare. Whether you wean (didn't work for me) or go cold turkey, know and accept week one is gonna be hell. If you can take a week off from life and work, do it. I could not function during week one. Have stuff ready at home. Vitamins that include your Bs, potassium for the leg aches, look up the Thomas recipe if you haven't. It saved me. Liquids. Lots. You don't want to dehydrate. Whether it's GatorAid or a Vitamin water, get liquids into yourself non-stop that have nutrients in it. Stock up on Ensure Boost. It's a meal in a bottle (thank you Minn). In addition to being hydrated, you need to nourish and this is packed with protein. I had to take Xanax. The anxiety killed me. Get some sleep aids. They won't help for everyone and did nothing for me but just stock up on everything like you're going into a winter storm. The worst storm ever. Popsicles (right Sonrissa?) The cold feels great. Bananas. Epsom salts. Immodium (a lot) There will be a lot of bathing going down. Now you're committed and stocked. D-day.....
Stage Two: Withdrawal week. Accept this is going to be awful. We've been abusing our bodies and minds for how long? You can live through this. First and foremost..GET RID OF ALL PILLS AND SOURCES OF PILLS. Flush. Flush. Flush. You are committed right? Tell your doctor, your street vendor, your pharmacy..I AM DONE. If you hold on to any source, it will kick you right in the arse. Because the devil is coming back. Trust me. I needed to live in the moment. I made a chart of 120 hours which equals five days. That's the worst. And I would check off those hours. For me, days 3-5 were utter hell. No sleep. Mind all over the place. Emotions all over the board. Living in the bathroom. Tossing. Turning. Crying. And then coming here. To listen. To be encouraged. To be held strong. To be assured I would survive. I did. You will too. And when you get to day 7 you will KNOW you are stronger than the pills and devil. Long hot baths. Music. Waves or rain falling. You can download these apps for free. Small walks. Five minutes on the treadmill. Don't look back. Don't look forward. Just focus on the now. Drink and nourish. And with each trip to your bathroom visualize the toxins coming out of you..staying out of you. Replace those toxins with something your body craves. Nutrition and fluids. Deep breathing. I had hypnosis. Huge for me.
Stage three. This is our life after hell week. It is the rest of our lives. The first time I posted on this board on Mother's Day in my 48th hour I was given some advice I didn't understand or even feel I needed. Have a Plan B. You've gotten through the physical. Now comes the mental. In addition to be addicted physically we are addicted mentally (and always will be). So who's gonna win? Who's stronger? The pill? Or you? It's up to you. Let's go back to stage one. The reason you made the decision to get clean. Every freaking single day the first thing I do is go back and read my posts from hell week. It reminds me. Because we can easily forget. I almost did yesterday. The devil was smack in my face toying with my mind all day. And I was weak. So Plan B for me? Stay right here with these amazing people who hold me strong and push me and remind me why I'm doing this. Thank you Dixie. Thank you Minn. Thank you Pat. Thank you Sonrissa. Thank you Dane. Thank you Firefly. Thank you Nowornever. Thank you Smilesforeva. All of you. Thank you. Right here is my Plan B. This forum. These people.
But it ultimately comes down to our own decision. Some of us will stumble. If you do and are committed, don't look back. Only forward. Some of us will doubt our decision. But our decision still remains. Know that it's the devil f'ing with your head. Don't let it win. Live in the moment. Don't think about what will happen 2 weeks from now. Day by Day. I know what I hope to accomplish today. Small goals that grow in size with each day. I have no clue what tomorrow holds and don't really care. I'll deal with tomorrow tomorrow.
I did this. I will continue to do this. Because I want to be free. Have a mantra when your mind is most restless. Mine is..I am free of all addiction and pain. Over and over. And here's a little trick from my hypnotist when faced with urges of any kind: Put your thumbs in the palm of your hand and squeeze them with your finger so tightly it hurts. While doing that, breathe slowly in and hold for 10 seconds. While holding feel the pain then slowly release your breath and thumbs. Open your eyes. And do this 5 more times. Slow. Really slow. When you're done, say your mantra. Then go do something else. Get away from the urge. It should be gone. Let's just say after yesterday, I've got two really sore thumbs today!
I love you all. We're all doing this together. We're all pushing and praying and cheering and holding on for dear life. This is not a journey you can do alone. But only you can make the decision to start the journey and then live your life following the journey. You with me?
waz
You are right!!!! I don't want to relapse. 7 days is huge for me! I want to go forward not backward!! Thanks for the support!!
I will tell you..as I enter day 18 if I had pills available there were many times I would have taken them. Weak moments. Brain playing mind games. Sorry darling, you may think they are a security blanket, but FOR WHAT? Tell me that? What kind of security are they offering you? Did you commit to this new clean life? Then I don't get it. Sorry if I'm being tough but all of us will tell you if they are in reach chances are very strong you will relapse. And you are so strong and want to be clean and live a good healthy life. Your security blanket is right here. Right here.
WOW...I just teared up reading this!! What an amazing post...I can't believe how much I can relate to this story. My only regret is not posting sooner. I feel so much better since finding all of you! I can't believe the show of support on here! I am truely blessed to have found this place! I have to ask though...I am completely committed to staying clean, but I can't seem to throw my pills away. The very thought of it makes me want to vomit! I have no desire to go back to using, do I should be able to THROW THEM AWAY!!! Thank you for your post and good luck...congrats on making it this far :)
I posted to you on your post. Sneezing. Crazy, right? Mine has finally tapered but it's all I did. Shows how much we've messed up our body's normal functions. Wait until you see what else "wakes up". Including emotion. Be prepared for that. You are about to embark on an amazing rollercoaster ride. buckle up tight. Sometimes will be frightening. Some thrilling. You tummy will be all over the place. But when the car stops...... Ahhhhh. You'll look back and say I'm glad I did that but I'm thinking I'll just go to the Merry Go Round next time. Something slow and easy. But you have to get through the big bad ride first. You've got this!
waz
waz
I am doing so great Dixie. I got up, as most were probably going to sleep, feeling good for the first time. Mornings are my worst. I have a very challenging work week ahead. And I think I'm mentally and physically ready. I'm back at the treadmill the way I was before hell week which is very helpful. I'm eating again. I'm feeling again.
Weird thing happened yesterday. Maybe some of you can relate. It just proves how delusional I was to think I was functioning normally on pills. I read. A lot. I have a Kindle. I finished a book yesterday and started to browse through some of the many I've read over the last two years. I have NO RECOLLECTION over what most of these books are about. I read them. I think I enjoyed them. But I didn't retain them. The good news is I have about 75 books to re-read! Geez.
Wishing you an awesome day today. Gym perhaps? I've already put in my time on the treadmill. Get those endorphins going girl. Major help.
Weird thing happened yesterday. Maybe some of you can relate. It just proves how delusional I was to think I was functioning normally on pills. I read. A lot. I have a Kindle. I finished a book yesterday and started to browse through some of the many I've read over the last two years. I have NO RECOLLECTION over what most of these books are about. I read them. I think I enjoyed them. But I didn't retain them. The good news is I have about 75 books to re-read! Geez.
Wishing you an awesome day today. Gym perhaps? I've already put in my time on the treadmill. Get those endorphins going girl. Major help.
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