Aa
Day 18, I think anyway...
It has been 18 days or so now since I last consumed any kind of benzo and the physical withdraws are starting to fade, well some of them are. I do not advise cold turkey with these drugs, but it was affective for me after trying failed self taper plans. The mental WD's are the worse as I knew before stopping, but even though I am pretty much confined to my place still due to anxiety, I have not once been tempted to head to the pharmacy and buy a shed load of medication. I am determined to be away from drugs for the first time in 8 years since I was a 14 year old boy. I wrote down all of the substances I have tried and or abused and got a little shock at how stupid I have been for a big part of my life.
There is one problem however, this coming Tuesday I am starting my thai language course which has got me somewhat nervous. The thai part is fine, I can already speak 'broken thai' but it is just the social aspect that is daunting. Yea I manages to learn thai in a haze of valium, clonazepam and xanax some how...
Anyway, I need to take this course as my visa relies on it, without my visa I have no way of staying where I am without getting in big trouble.
There is one problem however, this coming Tuesday I am starting my thai language course which has got me somewhat nervous. The thai part is fine, I can already speak 'broken thai' but it is just the social aspect that is daunting. Yea I manages to learn thai in a haze of valium, clonazepam and xanax some how...
Anyway, I need to take this course as my visa relies on it, without my visa I have no way of staying where I am without getting in big trouble.
"The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Kindness, Beauty, and Truth. The trite subjects of human efforts, possessions, outward success, luxury have always seemed to me contemptible".
Albert Einstein
US (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955)
I hear you about the math, I'm still on arithmetic.
" The truth is out there" Fox Mulder.
I went to a n/a meeting tonight, the first in about 3 weeks. I almost always feel better having gone. If I don't it's because of me. The fourth step of n/a is " to take a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". I'm still learning about myself, I hope I always do, I guess I have issues as well.
It is good to see you are determined. It takes time. Be well
Albert Einstein
US (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955)
I hear you about the math, I'm still on arithmetic.
" The truth is out there" Fox Mulder.
I went to a n/a meeting tonight, the first in about 3 weeks. I almost always feel better having gone. If I don't it's because of me. The fourth step of n/a is " to take a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves". I'm still learning about myself, I hope I always do, I guess I have issues as well.
It is good to see you are determined. It takes time. Be well
tom
yes we rage a battle in our minds. we create the fear and the anxiety that goes with it.many times fighting and battling ourselves. if you just confront it (the situation) in your case the class, you were able to do it without consequence.
kudos on your 20 days clean. excellent. please keep up your guard.
so glad you made it to this site and we have been able to encourage you along the way.
keep on keeping on
debbie
yes we rage a battle in our minds. we create the fear and the anxiety that goes with it.many times fighting and battling ourselves. if you just confront it (the situation) in your case the class, you were able to do it without consequence.
kudos on your 20 days clean. excellent. please keep up your guard.
so glad you made it to this site and we have been able to encourage you along the way.
keep on keeping on
debbie
thanks for your support people. I have just got back from my thai course and I was close to buying some valium prior to it as one of the numerous pharmacies is next to it, but in the end i didn't and i am damn glad. I wanted some confidence, how some people may have a few whiskey's as ''dutch courage'', but I denied myself the quick and false solution. It is really hot today and I still have hot/cold sweats now and then due to WDs, so I felt rather uncomfortable heading in. However, it turned out fine and now I have a sense of confidence instilled within me.
I think a lot of overcoming things is simply mental, I was told not too cold turkey valium but I was so intent on it that I made myself do it and bare the WDs. I still would not abvise cold turkeying benzos though, there are many many factors involved in quitting them.
@petroglyph, yea I am interested in quantum mechanics myself, not the mathematical side to it as I really have no hope because it is way too advanced, but the concepts and science side appeals to me. Einstein once said that he wished he would have god in hi life and love rather than his vast intellect. Many physicists claim that there is a god or higher power, but that it is not the conventional notion of god. Going back to the buddhist approach, there isn't a god but the higher power could be known as karma and all of the forces that create causes and outcomes, the forces we cannot control or sometimes even see/understand.
But thanks again to those who have helped throughout the days. I am now at 21 days... ish. I still cannot pinpoint it exactly, but it is no less than 20 and no more than 24.
I think a lot of overcoming things is simply mental, I was told not too cold turkey valium but I was so intent on it that I made myself do it and bare the WDs. I still would not abvise cold turkeying benzos though, there are many many factors involved in quitting them.
@petroglyph, yea I am interested in quantum mechanics myself, not the mathematical side to it as I really have no hope because it is way too advanced, but the concepts and science side appeals to me. Einstein once said that he wished he would have god in hi life and love rather than his vast intellect. Many physicists claim that there is a god or higher power, but that it is not the conventional notion of god. Going back to the buddhist approach, there isn't a god but the higher power could be known as karma and all of the forces that create causes and outcomes, the forces we cannot control or sometimes even see/understand.
But thanks again to those who have helped throughout the days. I am now at 21 days... ish. I still cannot pinpoint it exactly, but it is no less than 20 and no more than 24.
Tom,
I knew that you would do IT!!!! Happy Days are here again! WOW 18 days that is brilliant! I think that anything can be overcome when the mind is set to the task, even anxiety. Give it a try. Use your teachings, and meditations to go to the place that frees you from all fear and lets you be you. Then venture forth. Think about it and it is really that simple even after many years of suffering. When you look back over the past few months it was so simple but yet so hard and you did it. You can finish what you start. Have a great time in your class. Enjoy life.
A great man once said it is mind over matter or I think he said it's 2/3 mental.
I knew that you would do IT!!!! Happy Days are here again! WOW 18 days that is brilliant! I think that anything can be overcome when the mind is set to the task, even anxiety. Give it a try. Use your teachings, and meditations to go to the place that frees you from all fear and lets you be you. Then venture forth. Think about it and it is really that simple even after many years of suffering. When you look back over the past few months it was so simple but yet so hard and you did it. You can finish what you start. Have a great time in your class. Enjoy life.
A great man once said it is mind over matter or I think he said it's 2/3 mental.
One of the first laws of "quantum mechanics" is " reality is created by the observer". At times I question whether I'm psychic or just intuitive? Modern science seems to be starting to prove the existence of God. That being said, as long as anyone's religion doesn't involve hurting anyone else than it is good. I think all the popular beliefs are a blueprint on how to live. Tools you can use. On another note and trying to stay with the forum topic, I don't believe that any of them encourage the use of drugs at least the pharmacutical ones. There's room for negotiation for faith's that include organics in ceremony.
Let me throw in a plug for n/a here, ok? It is also a belief system, designed specifically for addicts. It is there to help people learn how to cope without drugs. It teaches tools on how to live clean, no more, no less. Had to throw that in. "All things in moderation" just doesn't describe the lifestyle of a practicing addict. I'm glad you are clean, although not healed but certainly on your way towards a clean happy life. Life will be as good as you let it,,,me.
Let me throw in a plug for n/a here, ok? It is also a belief system, designed specifically for addicts. It is there to help people learn how to cope without drugs. It teaches tools on how to live clean, no more, no less. Had to throw that in. "All things in moderation" just doesn't describe the lifestyle of a practicing addict. I'm glad you are clean, although not healed but certainly on your way towards a clean happy life. Life will be as good as you let it,,,me.
I wonder what is so interesting...??
That's cool that you have started to open your eyes though petroglyph, I should start meditating more now that my mind is more clear and able to focus. Even though the goal is to be liberated and enlightenment, one should not strive to get there as this is a form of attachment. One of the main aspects of buddhism is compassion and to kill your ego, without the notion of self one cannot become attached to such things and you will start to abolish suffering. On the surface it seems like another religion, but once you start to scratch the surface you see how far the rabbit hole actually goes. Having said that, it is also important to respect other religions as they in themselves have the ability to turn negativity into positivity. It is people who sometimes taint religion, religion is not the problem, it is merely ignorance that is.
I understand what you mean about feeling enlightened on certain drugs. I had so many situations on acid where I felt that way. But the thing is, I prefer to use the direct translation from pali sanscrit which is ''awoken''
That's cool that you have started to open your eyes though petroglyph, I should start meditating more now that my mind is more clear and able to focus. Even though the goal is to be liberated and enlightenment, one should not strive to get there as this is a form of attachment. One of the main aspects of buddhism is compassion and to kill your ego, without the notion of self one cannot become attached to such things and you will start to abolish suffering. On the surface it seems like another religion, but once you start to scratch the surface you see how far the rabbit hole actually goes. Having said that, it is also important to respect other religions as they in themselves have the ability to turn negativity into positivity. It is people who sometimes taint religion, religion is not the problem, it is merely ignorance that is.
I understand what you mean about feeling enlightened on certain drugs. I had so many situations on acid where I felt that way. But the thing is, I prefer to use the direct translation from pali sanscrit which is ''awoken''
I hope the fog lifts sooner for you than it seems to have taken me. The cloud/fog effect is mentioned by many. That to is part of the physical aspect of healing your body from the damage we've done. Lots of liquids and good nutrition, help the body heal. The body and the mind are not seperate but parts of the whole.
Eighteen days is a great accomplishment, it is longer than many have lived.
About me, I guess I have been practicing without knowing. Since first posting to you is the most reading of the Buddha that I've ever accumulated, it is fascinating. I've had a life long search for truth. Things just "are". Western culture seems to dance around it, spend so much time disguising it, trying to be so clever, when just being clear would be so much better. There has been times when I thought I was enlightend by one drug or another, but it doesn't seem correct now.
Ahh, personal beliefs could go on all night, but this is about how we can help you, to get shed of these poisons so you can continue your quest for dharma. This world needs you at your best.
I need to read more on the 75 dharma's. You have helped me by allowing me to try to help you. Continue
Eighteen days is a great accomplishment, it is longer than many have lived.
About me, I guess I have been practicing without knowing. Since first posting to you is the most reading of the Buddha that I've ever accumulated, it is fascinating. I've had a life long search for truth. Things just "are". Western culture seems to dance around it, spend so much time disguising it, trying to be so clever, when just being clear would be so much better. There has been times when I thought I was enlightend by one drug or another, but it doesn't seem correct now.
Ahh, personal beliefs could go on all night, but this is about how we can help you, to get shed of these poisons so you can continue your quest for dharma. This world needs you at your best.
I need to read more on the 75 dharma's. You have helped me by allowing me to try to help you. Continue
I would like to say thanks to those who have offered me their time and words, it has proven to be of some help for sure.
@petroglyph, I am still on the dharma path but I must say that I have been keeping the teachings in mind more than practicing them in recent days. I am kind of waiting for my mind to totally clear up and the fog to disappear. Saying that, there is a whole lot more I could be doing, like you said everything is right there in front of you, all you need is a functioning brain and the right effort. It seems like you know a fair bit about the dharma, is that due to doing research last month or is it because you practice?
@gnarly, yea I am aware that addiction does not just dissipate, but there is clearly something that has changed within me as I have no intention to taking any kind of drug again. However, it will probably be a life long effort and there will be testing times I am sure of that.
I haven't got myself down to any NA's yet, but tonight I am going to this annual jazz festival which should be fun. Then on tuesday I have my first day at the language course, a straight 4 hours every week. Both of these things seem daunting to me, but with what I have come to realise is that such things are hardly as bad as you first think. The trick is to remain in the now, as petroglyph stated, and not to constantly think to the future and wrry yourself sick. The future does not exist and nor does the past, but so many of us seem to live in one or both, not actually living in the only tense that does exist, now.
@petroglyph, I am still on the dharma path but I must say that I have been keeping the teachings in mind more than practicing them in recent days. I am kind of waiting for my mind to totally clear up and the fog to disappear. Saying that, there is a whole lot more I could be doing, like you said everything is right there in front of you, all you need is a functioning brain and the right effort. It seems like you know a fair bit about the dharma, is that due to doing research last month or is it because you practice?
@gnarly, yea I am aware that addiction does not just dissipate, but there is clearly something that has changed within me as I have no intention to taking any kind of drug again. However, it will probably be a life long effort and there will be testing times I am sure of that.
I haven't got myself down to any NA's yet, but tonight I am going to this annual jazz festival which should be fun. Then on tuesday I have my first day at the language course, a straight 4 hours every week. Both of these things seem daunting to me, but with what I have come to realise is that such things are hardly as bad as you first think. The trick is to remain in the now, as petroglyph stated, and not to constantly think to the future and wrry yourself sick. The future does not exist and nor does the past, but so many of us seem to live in one or both, not actually living in the only tense that does exist, now.
HEY Tom well you did the unthinkable you c/t off a boat load of benzos not recommended but you got 18 days now and you dident wind up in the hospital so cudos I think your out of the woods for seizure anymore it would be good to work in N/A into your schedule the addiction dosent just go away because you quit taking the pills its the very way you think and reason that has to change with some help this is all within your reach and you can live in recovery ...I wish you well good luck and God bless......Gnarly
Hi Tom,
Do you find that many of the difficulties in our lives turn out to be as big or small as we make them? Our battles are won or lost in our own minds.
Great job on getting away from the drugs! Have you looked into the local n/a yet?
It seems like it was a good idea making the list and doing a retrospection. What does matter is now, and what we do with it. Still studying "Buddha" ? There is all the help you need available, you are doing well with your path. Continue
Do you find that many of the difficulties in our lives turn out to be as big or small as we make them? Our battles are won or lost in our own minds.
Great job on getting away from the drugs! Have you looked into the local n/a yet?
It seems like it was a good idea making the list and doing a retrospection. What does matter is now, and what we do with it. Still studying "Buddha" ? There is all the help you need available, you are doing well with your path. Continue
Well, I first had trouble with anxiety probably around the age of 9, but it was a real problem from the age of 12 onwards, I only took medication for it for two months on two separate occasions. Both times it was sertaline, but it had little effect.
I am kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place as I know if I went home I would be able to receive cheap or free treatment for my anxiety and skin, but if I did go home I would miss thailand and my girlfriend a whole lot. After my last 3 year relationship I had no intentions of having another GF, but these things happen :p
I have had some pretty insane physical WDs, a lot of the time I question if these sensations are even linked to the sudden end to an 8 month benzo binge. One of the most uncomfortable one is that the skin on my face, hands, feet and lips feels really sensitive and kind of sore, but there are no marks of any kind. When I take a shower, my hands end up wrinkly within 3-5 minutes as if I had been in there for half an hour..
There are many weird things that are have happened or happening, but like I said the worse part is my anxiety. I think I have been self medicating since the age of 14, and now I am totally sober the anxiety has come back hard. I thought it went from hypochondria to social anxiety when I was around the age of 19, but it seems right now I am being affected by both at the same time.
Having said that, I hit my rock bottom and it was enough to stay away from drugs for once and for all. Once you hit that stage, you know you will and want to stop using.
I am kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place as I know if I went home I would be able to receive cheap or free treatment for my anxiety and skin, but if I did go home I would miss thailand and my girlfriend a whole lot. After my last 3 year relationship I had no intentions of having another GF, but these things happen :p
I have had some pretty insane physical WDs, a lot of the time I question if these sensations are even linked to the sudden end to an 8 month benzo binge. One of the most uncomfortable one is that the skin on my face, hands, feet and lips feels really sensitive and kind of sore, but there are no marks of any kind. When I take a shower, my hands end up wrinkly within 3-5 minutes as if I had been in there for half an hour..
There are many weird things that are have happened or happening, but like I said the worse part is my anxiety. I think I have been self medicating since the age of 14, and now I am totally sober the anxiety has come back hard. I thought it went from hypochondria to social anxiety when I was around the age of 19, but it seems right now I am being affected by both at the same time.
Having said that, I hit my rock bottom and it was enough to stay away from drugs for once and for all. Once you hit that stage, you know you will and want to stop using.
hey tom,
that is great news!!!!!!! now that is what we wanted to hear.congrats on that accomplishment.... how are you feeling? what is still bothering you ? so you are drug free? or just from the benzos? any luck with the counseling?
the social aspect? the drugs gave you a false sense of security/ once you start to get out and interact you should be fine. have you ever taken any meds for anxiety besides benzos. any psychiatric drugs. mood stabilizer or something for generalized anxiety?
thanks for posting and keeping us up to date on your progress. give yourself a pat on the back you deserve it.
blessings to you
debbie
that is great news!!!!!!! now that is what we wanted to hear.congrats on that accomplishment.... how are you feeling? what is still bothering you ? so you are drug free? or just from the benzos? any luck with the counseling?
the social aspect? the drugs gave you a false sense of security/ once you start to get out and interact you should be fine. have you ever taken any meds for anxiety besides benzos. any psychiatric drugs. mood stabilizer or something for generalized anxiety?
thanks for posting and keeping us up to date on your progress. give yourself a pat on the back you deserve it.
blessings to you
debbie
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