Aa
wow day 14
wooo hoo am i a proud girl right now tho i have upped my suboxone dose to 4mg i was just feeling too awful mentally and physically and my sub doctor suggested i drop to 4mg (she was prescribing me 8mg but i was using for months while going to see her) I'm going to drop to 2mg in a week then when my head is in a better place I'm going to detox off subs i so HATE HATE being on them but its what i have to do to be where i want to be and its only temporary i keep telling myself i can tell by being off the roxys i have begun to feel again i cried for the first time the other day over my ex husbands death i have been dealing with the death of my best friend i can feel my life getting better my attitude I'm wanting to take better care of myself now i can honestly say I'm feeling happy finally and i haven't had any cravings yet I've thought about using and like picture myself using but then i say nope no thanks I'm going on vacation soon and i have even thought well i can take a few with me and have a little fun it won't hurt but then i say nope i really don't want to do that i REALLY don't and i don't think i will this is defiantly an every day struggle just some days are easier than others i will get thru this and be whole again I WILL
thanks so much for the kind and ever so wise words they truly help me i just love this place it is so helpful
congrats Kellygirl.I dont comment much on Sub use as That is something I know nothing about.I do agree that u need to keep an eye on it and taper when u feel stable.I wish I could have tapered right to the end of my Methadone fiasco..but,I felt I just had to jump..I will be following and praying all is well with u.Keep up the good work.Hugs
Great comments Weaver. And congrats Kellygirl!!!! I'm one of those terrible people who believe that clean isn't clean unless your actually clean but that's because of what was drilled in to me. The fact that your making an effort, trying to move towards a more stable life is commendable in my book and because each of us are different I would never judge ones recovery road, however long it takes, no matter where it takes you. We all fight are demons with the tools were given. I was on methadone for 8 years. I had no idea the fog I walked in everyday. Like a cloud hanging over me I was smothering myself. The best path for me was to get clean altogether. I think we all have that desire but its a lot of work to actually get there. Did I mention I was using methadone for 8 years? Clearly I used it as a crutch. Who needs to be on that long? But just as I adapted to methadone my body and brain are learning how to adapt without it. Its not easy but its real and I've made it to day 43. I have no doubt that this site has helped me gain clean time especially Gnarly who I consider my mentor. I get that I'm rambling when the only true things that are important here are that your here at this forum and your trying. Keep up the good work!!!
Not sure how much of my story you know, but I think some of it applies here. Years of methadone, finally reaching near death levels at 250mgs. I had become terrified of drugs, I was obsessed with using them like other people, "normal"pain clients or partiers. I was terrified I was not gonna live and was highly discouraged by most not to use subs. That scared me even more, but I knew I had a couple months until I would be dead if nothing changed. I did an extensive amount of research in a manic state and formed a plan to induce subs. I tapered down to 160mgs of methadone and did 20 days of subs, based on the research and few clinical studies available. In that 20 days, my fear of subs continued. Instead of focusing 100% on my mental/spiritual/emotional/physical health and what I wanted to do, I was focused on what I didn't want to do, SUBS. That was my first mistake, then I was in a hurry, but I followed my plan and it worked. I had 2 1/2 yrs of relapses and failed detoxes before subs, it felt like my last hope to survive. My doctor told me that I needed to be on them 2 yrs for them to work, but he had no research to show me to prove is theory was correct. That really scared me. Do you see this thread of fear running through my story, I never let go of the original fear drugs created in me and it kept me from surrendering to an new life. Now, my method was long and painful, I always say I detox the wrong way and wouldn't recommend my way to anyone. On the other hand, I also always say it worked because I stuck with it, for better or worse.
I say all this to express that now I I know I should have used bupe for a minimum of 3 months, possibly up to 6 months, due to methadones long half life and synthetic high affinity for my brain. My doctor and I were both wrong, I should have been somewhere in the middle of all extremes, but my fear made me do it the hard way. It took many months to finally feel myself surrender and then I realized how I had been so motivated by ignorance and fear, not only my own, but my doctors too. Fact is, his plan would have worked too, if I had only trusted in it. I probably could have dealt with some of my bipolar issues during a 2 year stay on subs and avoided a lot of the insanity I experienced. I wasn't looking for what subs could do for me in any way but physically. I was not clear enough to make any decisions, that is why my system of accountability was absolutely necessary.
So, whatever you and your doc decide, which yours sounds better than mine, if you focus on the growth and healing, the fear will slowly decrease. You were on a faster acting opioid than me, but you have the same potential of relapse as I do, so I encourage you to just accept it for now and build up your character. CENAPS model of recovery is a set of tools you can google to find ways to incorporate all your surroundings into recovery. CBT helps with perception of ourself and the world around us. Those are the tools I find I used constantly, they have become a habit.
So, try not to focus on the sub too much, but the opportunity it is giving you. It is better to be on it to long and clean the rest of your life than have a short time on subs and do it all over again, just my opinion. Hang tough and keep growing into the best you there is, all the rest will make sense and work itself out eventually.
I say all this to express that now I I know I should have used bupe for a minimum of 3 months, possibly up to 6 months, due to methadones long half life and synthetic high affinity for my brain. My doctor and I were both wrong, I should have been somewhere in the middle of all extremes, but my fear made me do it the hard way. It took many months to finally feel myself surrender and then I realized how I had been so motivated by ignorance and fear, not only my own, but my doctors too. Fact is, his plan would have worked too, if I had only trusted in it. I probably could have dealt with some of my bipolar issues during a 2 year stay on subs and avoided a lot of the insanity I experienced. I wasn't looking for what subs could do for me in any way but physically. I was not clear enough to make any decisions, that is why my system of accountability was absolutely necessary.
So, whatever you and your doc decide, which yours sounds better than mine, if you focus on the growth and healing, the fear will slowly decrease. You were on a faster acting opioid than me, but you have the same potential of relapse as I do, so I encourage you to just accept it for now and build up your character. CENAPS model of recovery is a set of tools you can google to find ways to incorporate all your surroundings into recovery. CBT helps with perception of ourself and the world around us. Those are the tools I find I used constantly, they have become a habit.
So, try not to focus on the sub too much, but the opportunity it is giving you. It is better to be on it to long and clean the rest of your life than have a short time on subs and do it all over again, just my opinion. Hang tough and keep growing into the best you there is, all the rest will make sense and work itself out eventually.
Hey, I'm just a sensible kind of gal! LOL! Just teasing.
I'm glad you're taking all of the info into consideration. You've received so much good information. That's one thing I love about this place, everyone brings a slightly different viewpoint to the table, and while our advice may differ in some respects, we all have the common goal of wanting to see people succeed. The various information is great, as it helps to educate people, and help them to make more informed decisions during this process. Let's face it, during detox and w/ds, it's not very easy to make rational sensible decisions.
I'm glad you're taking all of the info into consideration. You've received so much good information. That's one thing I love about this place, everyone brings a slightly different viewpoint to the table, and while our advice may differ in some respects, we all have the common goal of wanting to see people succeed. The various information is great, as it helps to educate people, and help them to make more informed decisions during this process. Let's face it, during detox and w/ds, it's not very easy to make rational sensible decisions.
aww thanks girl your advice really helps me and makes me think you always make so much sense and make me see the other side of things that i don't always see clearly i just love this forum so glad i have found it
I'm glad to hear you're going to give yourself some time sweetie. You're doing good!
What I meant was when you first started posting, you had talked about how you had abused sub in some way, I thought it was to get you through during periods where you didn't have your DOC. It sounds like more than anything, you've just always been kind of willy nilly with the subs, trying to handle it yourself. If you get yourself stabilized, and then REALLY dive into a treatment program, you can start doing the work necessary to get you to the next goal, and eventually, you can start tapering off. If you ADDRESS your addiction properly, you'll have a much greater chance of success once you come off the subs.
I always told patients who felt that pressure to rush themselves was that the most important thing to keep in mind was that they were making some kind of progress, moving forward. Progress doesn't have to ONLY be getting off the subs. Like I said, it's a process. When one rushes that, it makes it more difficult.
Keep on truckin'! You're doing great! You've come so far already in two short weeks! I'm so proud of you! <3
What I meant was when you first started posting, you had talked about how you had abused sub in some way, I thought it was to get you through during periods where you didn't have your DOC. It sounds like more than anything, you've just always been kind of willy nilly with the subs, trying to handle it yourself. If you get yourself stabilized, and then REALLY dive into a treatment program, you can start doing the work necessary to get you to the next goal, and eventually, you can start tapering off. If you ADDRESS your addiction properly, you'll have a much greater chance of success once you come off the subs.
I always told patients who felt that pressure to rush themselves was that the most important thing to keep in mind was that they were making some kind of progress, moving forward. Progress doesn't have to ONLY be getting off the subs. Like I said, it's a process. When one rushes that, it makes it more difficult.
Keep on truckin'! You're doing great! You've come so far already in two short weeks! I'm so proud of you! <3
Congrats on your 14 days! You should be proud of yourself. I love that you have been given some great advice and information to help you thru the sub process. The support from the folks on this MH site always warms my heart. Keep fighting!
thats great kuku I'm so glad you saw that you were going to relapse and did what you should of done not many people do that good for you the 4mg certainly help with cravings b/c i have not had any i am going to use the subs the way i am suppose to and thank god i have no desire to use keep up the good work and i shall too have a great day kuku!!
oh nurse girl you always make such sense thank you i am going to stay at the 4mg for a while then talk to my doc first if and when i want to decrease she is a really good doc thank god i don't understand when you said that i supplement subs for my doc do you mean that i used subs when i didn't have doc so i wouldn't get sick? yea i did that but i never took subs to get high never took more than i was prescribed less yes but more NEVER i never got high off them didn't think you could i think 8mg would put me to sleep i remember when was on 8mg i used to nod out and hated that but that was well over a year ago i can't believe when i first went on the program i started out with 16mg a day jeesh holy moly lol but I'm doing and feeling really great i feel peace like a shift in myself i feel as tho i have arrived at the place i have been trying to get to for so long in my life i am taking such better care of myself and feel so much better about myself than you so much for you wise words 15 days today woooo hoooo
bein on a taper means your guna be goin thru mild wds and not feel great mentally .....thats the point of tapering vs CT your guna feel less like sh+t on a taper but theres no way 2 not feel better while tapering....IMHO your back tracking and your addiction is winning inside your head...and my biggest pet peeve is ppl on Subs that think there sober becasue its only a crutch and prolly worse opiate for your brain then pills or heroin.....only thing worse IMHO is trams and dones and finally fentalyl but your doing more than the ppl that arnt trying to get clean so i commend u on that....but listening 2 the inner demoms that tell u more more more isnt guna help....Its gotta get worse b4 it gets better......Keep fighting the fight and hopefully soon u can be drug free but u hafta want it first and formost!!
"I'm not having any thoughts of using, but if it ever comes down to that I would go back on a very low dose of Sub, 0.5mg a day or less, before I'd go back to my old lifestyle."
VERY well put. While I understand it's a controversial topic, and I greatly respect the views on both sides of the sub fence, for some people, they just are more successful in the long run on a very low maintenance dose, rather than picking up again. I strongly feel that 99% of people who DO opt for a sub program (or methadone for that matter) should do what they can to try to (after the a "work") transition to life without it, slowly. I do NOT agree with someone being told they need it for "life", when they haven't even TRIED life without it. THAT'S a bad doc red flag IMO.
Like anything else, it's all a process. I just wish there hadn't been so many cruddy doctors, and wish that (like everything else) it wasn't rushed to the market without MORE research, more understanding, and less importance toward the profit and marketing angles. That can be said for a LOT of meds though, and it's a big part of why some medications end up with horrid reputations.
Kelly...I'm sure you've read many of kuku's posts, but if you haven't, I recommend you doing so. He has SUCH a great attitude and IMO, at this moment, he's a success story, AND he came off subs fairly painlessly BECAUSE he did it the sensible, reasonable, recommended way. I love how he explains how he went through the process, almost relapsed, then decided to maybe commit to the process the second time around, while restarting the subs to help with the cravings. I also love that he doesn't ever claim that sub is the answer for everyone, nor is it some kind of miracle drug. VERY good information!!! It's a great first hand experience without all of the bias that some people bring along with it (hard NOT to).
I hope you think about this stuff, kelly. Don't make any rash decisions either way, and definitely stop the ups and down with your dosage. That's only going to make you feel worse hon. You have the rest of your life to decide what you're going to do. You've already been on the sub regularly, so you can't avoid becoming dependent at this point.
I'm praying for success for you!
VERY well put. While I understand it's a controversial topic, and I greatly respect the views on both sides of the sub fence, for some people, they just are more successful in the long run on a very low maintenance dose, rather than picking up again. I strongly feel that 99% of people who DO opt for a sub program (or methadone for that matter) should do what they can to try to (after the a "work") transition to life without it, slowly. I do NOT agree with someone being told they need it for "life", when they haven't even TRIED life without it. THAT'S a bad doc red flag IMO.
Like anything else, it's all a process. I just wish there hadn't been so many cruddy doctors, and wish that (like everything else) it wasn't rushed to the market without MORE research, more understanding, and less importance toward the profit and marketing angles. That can be said for a LOT of meds though, and it's a big part of why some medications end up with horrid reputations.
Kelly...I'm sure you've read many of kuku's posts, but if you haven't, I recommend you doing so. He has SUCH a great attitude and IMO, at this moment, he's a success story, AND he came off subs fairly painlessly BECAUSE he did it the sensible, reasonable, recommended way. I love how he explains how he went through the process, almost relapsed, then decided to maybe commit to the process the second time around, while restarting the subs to help with the cravings. I also love that he doesn't ever claim that sub is the answer for everyone, nor is it some kind of miracle drug. VERY good information!!! It's a great first hand experience without all of the bias that some people bring along with it (hard NOT to).
I hope you think about this stuff, kelly. Don't make any rash decisions either way, and definitely stop the ups and down with your dosage. That's only going to make you feel worse hon. You have the rest of your life to decide what you're going to do. You've already been on the sub regularly, so you can't avoid becoming dependent at this point.
I'm praying for success for you!
I hate to see you go from 2mg on the 18th, down to 0.5mg, and up to 4mg, but I agree with nursegirl.
The first 2 years I was on Suboxone I stayed away from narcotics but smoked weed the whole time. After 2 years I felt like I had to make the decision if I was going to be on it the rest of my life (which I did see and a viable option) or not. I decided to taper myself down and did so without any trouble worth mentioning.
However, it wasn't long till the Buprenorphine left my system till I was fixated on getting high again. The guy who lived across the hall from me had Vicodin for sale and I knew all I had to do was knock on his door to get them. I decided to call my doctor to see if I could get back on Sub, and by luck or Divine Intervention, somebody had cancelled their appointment and he got me in the following day.
Over the past 2 years of being on Sub it gave me more time to get used to a life without illicit narcotics, and I did the work I should have done the first 2 years to cut ties and get my mind right. Suboxone started to case edema, I was retaining water and thought I was a candidate for congestive heart failure, so I tapered myself off again with no trouble at all.
Today is the 22nd day since I finished my taper. I've been back to normal for the past week so it's really a non-event for me. I played video games all day Saturday, watches movies yesterday till 2am, woke up at 9am, started a pot of coffee and did my dishes while it brewed. By that time I was into it and mopped my kitchen, bathroom, and hallway entrance before I sat down to drink the first cup.
I'm not having any thoughts of using, but if it ever comes down to that I would go back on a very low dose of Sub, 0.5mg a day or less, before I'd go back to my old lifestyle.
Good luck.
The first 2 years I was on Suboxone I stayed away from narcotics but smoked weed the whole time. After 2 years I felt like I had to make the decision if I was going to be on it the rest of my life (which I did see and a viable option) or not. I decided to taper myself down and did so without any trouble worth mentioning.
However, it wasn't long till the Buprenorphine left my system till I was fixated on getting high again. The guy who lived across the hall from me had Vicodin for sale and I knew all I had to do was knock on his door to get them. I decided to call my doctor to see if I could get back on Sub, and by luck or Divine Intervention, somebody had cancelled their appointment and he got me in the following day.
Over the past 2 years of being on Sub it gave me more time to get used to a life without illicit narcotics, and I did the work I should have done the first 2 years to cut ties and get my mind right. Suboxone started to case edema, I was retaining water and thought I was a candidate for congestive heart failure, so I tapered myself off again with no trouble at all.
Today is the 22nd day since I finished my taper. I've been back to normal for the past week so it's really a non-event for me. I played video games all day Saturday, watches movies yesterday till 2am, woke up at 9am, started a pot of coffee and did my dishes while it brewed. By that time I was into it and mopped my kitchen, bathroom, and hallway entrance before I sat down to drink the first cup.
I'm not having any thoughts of using, but if it ever comes down to that I would go back on a very low dose of Sub, 0.5mg a day or less, before I'd go back to my old lifestyle.
Good luck.
Well, that's great to hear Kelly. My advice is the same as a bunch of threads ago (lol). I know you feel a big urgency to get off the subs (understandably), but with as vulnerable as you are, just coming out of multiple relapses, I would not put too much pressure on yourself. Let yourself get stabilized on a dose (one dose, no more ups and downs, that's counterproductive). Give the dose (ie the 4mg you and the doc agreed upon) a couple of weeks, allow yourself to adjust, and keep working on your aftercare.
You've already taken subs long enough that you have to face a taper anyway, so why not do it slowly and steadily? LET yourself have a break from the roller coaster so you can enjoy life's normalcy a little bit WHILE you're working your aftercare.
I just feel if you've chosen subs as one of your recovery tools, I don't think it's going to be very beneficial to jump right back off, especially when you've JUST started really putting the work in, you know?
You don't EVER have to make a decision when it comes to sub, and then never change your mind. That's the beauty of a sub program (and your doc sounds pretty decent thank GOD). Don't put so many "absolutes" and expectations on yourself....just go with the flow a little bit, then every few weeks, reevaluate how you FEEL, where you're at, and then set the next goal.
It simply makes no sense to me for a person (not you, generally speaking) who really wants to utilize subs for the reasons you mentioned above (which I agree with) to go into it with the mindset that they already know how long they'll need.
Think about it, that would be like me, who was recently Dx'ed with hypertension, saying, "I'm only going to take my BP med for 2 weeks and then stop, because I'm going to cut salt from my diet and start exercising.". Well, it's always great to have a basic IDEA of what your goals and expectations are, but setting that kind of goal is unrealistic. I would have NO idea what my BP will be running in two weeks, and certainly two weeks wouldn't be long enough to make the long standing, long term changes in my lifestyle that would help decrease my BP (much like a recovery/aftercare program), and heck, just starting out, I wouldn't even know if I would tolerate the med...I may not even LAST two weeks on it. You know? Hopefully that makes sense.
I just hate to see premature, rushed goals, for someone who has really really struggled with relapse. If you hadn't been on subs already, I might feel a tad differently. I think a BIG reason why so many people feel that urgency is because of the sub horror stories and stigma, AND misinformation out there. If someone has decided that it's for them, then they should not pressure themselves, falling into that "the shorter I'm on it, the better." way of thinking. That's certainly NOT always true. Actually, the very quick sub courses are much less common than the 6-12 month kind of maintenance program, for good reason. Your body has to really adjust to subs for one to get the MOST benefit of it, for craving control, etc. I know that some people look at it like a fast track detox to help minimize the w/ds of their DOC, but honestly, it just wasn't made for that (optimally). Does that method WORK for some people? Sure it does, but that doesn't mean that it's NOT okay to stick it out longer, based on YOUR individual progress and YOUR individual needs. Everyone is different. I just disagree with the "one size fits all" mantra I see so much, the "the shorter you are on subs, the better". In theory yes, but realistically, not always. Subs shouldn't be a cookie cutter treatment, everyone is different.
The only other major concern I would have is that staying on subs may put you at risk for either being non compliant with the program, or with you slipping back to the old habits of using sub to supplement your DOC use. It doesn't seem to be a big concern right now, but you'd be smart to keep your eye on that. If THAT becomes an issue (or you even THINK it's an issue), then I would absolutely recommend getting off the subs, and more quickly than you may be advised to, because at THAT point, the sub would be putting your recovery at risk more than it would be helping.
Hang in there, keep up the great work! I'm anxious to follow along with your progress. You've got 2 weeks in, which is great. You were struggling to get a day in, over and over, so this is BIG progress! Just keep being honest with yourself!! And guard up! :0)
You've already taken subs long enough that you have to face a taper anyway, so why not do it slowly and steadily? LET yourself have a break from the roller coaster so you can enjoy life's normalcy a little bit WHILE you're working your aftercare.
I just feel if you've chosen subs as one of your recovery tools, I don't think it's going to be very beneficial to jump right back off, especially when you've JUST started really putting the work in, you know?
You don't EVER have to make a decision when it comes to sub, and then never change your mind. That's the beauty of a sub program (and your doc sounds pretty decent thank GOD). Don't put so many "absolutes" and expectations on yourself....just go with the flow a little bit, then every few weeks, reevaluate how you FEEL, where you're at, and then set the next goal.
It simply makes no sense to me for a person (not you, generally speaking) who really wants to utilize subs for the reasons you mentioned above (which I agree with) to go into it with the mindset that they already know how long they'll need.
Think about it, that would be like me, who was recently Dx'ed with hypertension, saying, "I'm only going to take my BP med for 2 weeks and then stop, because I'm going to cut salt from my diet and start exercising.". Well, it's always great to have a basic IDEA of what your goals and expectations are, but setting that kind of goal is unrealistic. I would have NO idea what my BP will be running in two weeks, and certainly two weeks wouldn't be long enough to make the long standing, long term changes in my lifestyle that would help decrease my BP (much like a recovery/aftercare program), and heck, just starting out, I wouldn't even know if I would tolerate the med...I may not even LAST two weeks on it. You know? Hopefully that makes sense.
I just hate to see premature, rushed goals, for someone who has really really struggled with relapse. If you hadn't been on subs already, I might feel a tad differently. I think a BIG reason why so many people feel that urgency is because of the sub horror stories and stigma, AND misinformation out there. If someone has decided that it's for them, then they should not pressure themselves, falling into that "the shorter I'm on it, the better." way of thinking. That's certainly NOT always true. Actually, the very quick sub courses are much less common than the 6-12 month kind of maintenance program, for good reason. Your body has to really adjust to subs for one to get the MOST benefit of it, for craving control, etc. I know that some people look at it like a fast track detox to help minimize the w/ds of their DOC, but honestly, it just wasn't made for that (optimally). Does that method WORK for some people? Sure it does, but that doesn't mean that it's NOT okay to stick it out longer, based on YOUR individual progress and YOUR individual needs. Everyone is different. I just disagree with the "one size fits all" mantra I see so much, the "the shorter you are on subs, the better". In theory yes, but realistically, not always. Subs shouldn't be a cookie cutter treatment, everyone is different.
The only other major concern I would have is that staying on subs may put you at risk for either being non compliant with the program, or with you slipping back to the old habits of using sub to supplement your DOC use. It doesn't seem to be a big concern right now, but you'd be smart to keep your eye on that. If THAT becomes an issue (or you even THINK it's an issue), then I would absolutely recommend getting off the subs, and more quickly than you may be advised to, because at THAT point, the sub would be putting your recovery at risk more than it would be helping.
Hang in there, keep up the great work! I'm anxious to follow along with your progress. You've got 2 weeks in, which is great. You were struggling to get a day in, over and over, so this is BIG progress! Just keep being honest with yourself!! And guard up! :0)
i told her what i was doing how i was using and told her i didn't want to take 8mg and we agreed on 4mg for now i told her i don't want to stay on it for years like she said and want to be off asap she said she understood and she will work with me on this goal i see her every 6 weeks with a urine and can be called in for a random urine at any time I'm back on them b/c i want to get some clean time in that to me is most important i have detoxed off subs 2 years ago without a problem and her program doesn't offer conceling but i see a therapist every week and i do energy work with someone else every week too so i have support in that way and it is working i can feel a shift like i have turned a corner i guess cuz i really realized that i want this now i want to get my health and head together
Hey kelly, congrats on the 2 weeks, that's super!
I'm a little confused about the sub though..last I recall, you said you were taking 0.5mg right? And, if your doctor told you to decrease from 8mg, he's obviously unaware of what you're actually taking?
I know I've said it before, but I cannot stress it enough, with your history of frequent relapses, AND your history of using the subs to help with your active addiction, you MUST be honest with your sub doctor. If you don't, it will be SO easy for you to fall back into that same habit of self medicating, and handling the dosing yourself, which is not going to lead anywhere good.
When did you see him last, and when do you see him again? Does the clinic require any kind of therapy? If not, I would ask them to provide you some resources. You can't ever do TOO much when it comes to working on your addiction, you CAN however, not do enough!
Best to you!
I'm a little confused about the sub though..last I recall, you said you were taking 0.5mg right? And, if your doctor told you to decrease from 8mg, he's obviously unaware of what you're actually taking?
I know I've said it before, but I cannot stress it enough, with your history of frequent relapses, AND your history of using the subs to help with your active addiction, you MUST be honest with your sub doctor. If you don't, it will be SO easy for you to fall back into that same habit of self medicating, and handling the dosing yourself, which is not going to lead anywhere good.
When did you see him last, and when do you see him again? Does the clinic require any kind of therapy? If not, I would ask them to provide you some resources. You can't ever do TOO much when it comes to working on your addiction, you CAN however, not do enough!
Best to you!
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