Jealous of the drug?

[Addictedtolove]

I posted the below in the "living with an addict" community but I am wondering if anyone here has any advice or ideas on how to work through these feelings of jealously. Any insight?

"Jealous of the drug?

by Addictedtolove, 20 minutes
Does anyone else feel jealous of their loved one's drug of choice?

Though my main emotions are fear and concern, I can't get past this nagging jealousy. I honestly feel as if I have been cheated on.

I just found out my boyfriend of 6 years (now 2 week ex) has been a heroin addict for the past 2 years. When I read about how heroin makes you feel I am jealous that I could never make him feel that good. I feel like the power of our love was beat out by a drug. I even feel sexually inadequate reading about how amazing heroin makes people feel. I wish I could have made him feel that way."

[Addictedtolove]

He is now in an outpatient program, but I'm not sure how much that will help.

I told him I can't be in a relationship with him right now but I do love him and if he needs a ride to a rehab I will arrange one and that I'm thinking of him always.

[Heather8448]

when I met my x he was on coke, during the ten years we were together I became addicted to coke and other thongs along with opiates. I thought that if he loved me more than we could quit coke and crack, I was jealous. I hated crack and did it any way to feel closer. I thought if only he could see it hurting me hed quit. Love could save him
NOT
addiction is a serious disease there is a group naranon its for families of addicts
I suggest it
I know how you feel and I am an addict
you need accpetance

[Leaveurfearsbehind]

Merri I understand what you are saying and it may be to the point where that is the only option. Does he deserve help? I'd say no but put the shoe on the other foot and ask yourself, what if it was me? Would I want him to leave me and provide no support as I struggled to get clean. Having a loved one to support you really does help. Again I don't think he deserves help but there's a thing called mercy...

[Merri123]

Also which is important is - howuch she wants to put into this. Everyone is saying support him, he can't do it without. I am not sure I shreebc many of us here have done it and stayed clean without anyone knowing.

Plus how much does she want to deal with this. He got clean before and went back to it and led for 2 years. There is a reasonable responsibility for your actions. You can't say the drugs made me do it. He could've gone to get at any point and told her and asked for help. He lied and then stole a big amount of $$$$ from her.

I have bee where she is. And I know how it is to live always wondering when the next relapse will happen. Is he telling the truth or lying. Is he using? The signs are there.  It is a hard life to live. And gets worse if they have children Bc then those les affect the well being of your baby.  

Just saying. She didn't cause this. He needs to take responsibility f his actions and what he has done. She can't do it for him. He needs to want it if she is there or if she isn't.

[Leaveurfearsbehind]

I'm sure he does need help but he needs your support to. A simple " I still love you and I'll help you get clean" could be just what he needs? I don't have all the answers but I do know that he needs your support. There will have to be rules and conditions before you can help. He will have to want it for himself not you. He must be willing to make changes and give up all the secrets he has been keeping. Basically he needs to be willing to do whatever to stay clean and earn your trust back. I hope you can work things out.

[VICourageous]

I agree with all above. The BIG thing is he has to admit he has a serious Addiction problem. I read some great comments in your other post. I too started using at the age 14 & could walk away until I found something new to try. It was not until I got my first opiate that made me go on up to the Methadone I got prescribed. In the last post the Pleasure Part of the brain was mentioned (survival part) This plays a big role in using too. This part remembers the pleasure, no matter what your addiction is and it will seek drugs or booze or even gambling or sex etc., before it's own survival. Meaning we use to live and live to use. It was also mentioned about it being handed down from family members which is the gene. I have been studying this in a more scientific way for yrs now and the other day I went to a new Dr for a check-up. He said they have been studying this more & more and mentioned I had the D2 cell, which I replied low Dopamine. He said yes, but it made me mad because my parents just died last yr about this time and he would have to test them to know for sure. I told him they had a few drinks on the weekend..OK so this is all new and coming out more & more for yrs.
WELL what we do is WE need HELP and SUPPORT!! WE can not do this alone. Going to those treatments should help, but there is SO SO much more to change. NO more going around friends that use..NO more going to places or things that can trigger the brain to use. It is the hardest JOB I have ever had to do and I got clean at 56 off 3 meds I c/t and I am now 58. Lots of curve balls where thrown my way and I almost fell down. The heartache from loosing my parents and much more in my 18mounth was two much and then 5 months later a Heart Procedure. I had to UP my SUPPORT and I also stayed on here as my MH Family stayed with me all the way, holding my hand and giving me the courage not to go drink or use. This is a Brain disease and it will get you before you know it. Some start out slow and build up to a harder drug. Some on here never used recreational, but got hooked on the pain pills and started to use them for other reasons.
The best thing is that HE has to want it and HE needs help. I will be praying for HIM as I will YOU too! I Pray he sees the light before it is too late and everything is gone. Just give him the Support to keep on pushing and getting help. He can also see a Addiction Specialist that can help a bit.
Wishing you the best.
Bless

[Addictedtolove]

Leaveurfears, here's the thing...I have NO idea how to help. Honestly, I don't think I can. When we started dating I thought I could help...I thought I helped him quit pot/cocaine/pills/cigs because he told me I did. I thought we had that experience and I had helped him through it and it was a special bond between us.

Now six years later he is in so much deeper with addiction than he was before! I'm thinking maybe I'm not the one to help. Maybe he has to figure it out on his own/with professionals. I thought I could "save" him before but he has only gotten deeper since being with me. I feel helpless. I would move mountains and quit this for him if I could...but I don't think anything I can do will help.

[Leaveurfearsbehind]

On earth. It's like having no life at all. Please don't give up on him. He needs you now more than ever. Only he knows if he's really ready to get clean. If he is I would ask you to please support him however you can. It's real easy to say why? But don't judge him till you've walked in his shoes. I had no reason to use except for back pain that could have been treated differently. I choose to and man what a bad decision that was. You can read and study about addiction all you want but you'll never understand till you go thru it yourself. I hope you can work things out. Without my wife's support I would still be using or dead by now...

[Leaveurfearsbehind]

I understand how you must feel right now but if he's been using that long I'm sure his life is a nightmare. I hated my life while I was using. Waking up every morning just sick about the lies, money and sorrow I was bringing to my family without them knowing it. You make think he's loving life being high all the time but deep down I bet he would tell you it's like hell

[Addictedtolove]

Merri, I was told by the bank I needed to file a police report. At this point I had no idea it was someone I knew so I called the cops. He told me about his addiction as they were knocking on the door as I was on the phone with him. I just told the cops I decided not to press charges and had them leave. It would have been a felony. I don't know if that was the right thing to do and I took a BIG loss of money, but...I have been more concerned for him and just trying to wrap my brain around it all.

[Addictedtolove]

Merri, I was told by the bank I needed to file a police report. At this point I had no idea it was someone I knew so I called the cops. He told me about his addiction as they were knocking on the door. I just told the cops I decided not to press charges and had them leave. I don't know if that was the right thing to do and I took a BIG loss of money, but I've been mostly just trying to wrap my head around this being real and concern for his well being.

[Merri123]

Only time will tell what he does. But he has to want it for himself not that he msy get you back. Did they press charges against him? How did the cops find out? Outpatient is good. He will get group sessions and individual therapy. But it is hard work every day for the rest of his life.

My ex was clean from Heroin for 8 years and started using again. I know exactly how you feel.

[Addictedtolove]

Kelly, I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Addictedtolove]

Sorry I accidentally pressed comment.

I was on the phone with him and told him they were at my door and he just said---wait, I took it I have a bad heroin problem. He then asked if we were done and I just mustered "yes".

If we were in person I wouldn't have been able to break up with him I'm sure. He apparently has been lying about this addiction and hiding it for 2 years now.

I think if he gets clean and stays clean for atleast a year I would consider taking him back. Honestly it is taking everything in me not to run into his arms right now.

He is now in an outpatient program and 12 step, hopefully he is committed.

I'm left feeling like I don't really know who he is even though we spent every day together for a good chunk of my life.

[Addictedtolove]

Thank you, jifmoc, I went to my second Al-anon meeting tonight actually.

Bigdaddy, I did break up with him but am still absolutely in love with him. I didn't even know he smoked cigarettes, let alone shot H. I found out Christmas Eve when I had the cops come to report money missing from my bank account. They were knocking on the door and I wa on the ph

[Merri123]

Actually her post said ex boyfriend of 2 weeks. So she has already left. 6 years is a long time to be with someone. It'll take a while to get over it.

[kellygirll]

i too felt that way years ago with my first husband he used to smoke crack and he chose the drug over me and our son and unfortunately it killed him slowly he died last thanksgiving so yea i felt the way you feel towards it

[Bigdaddy1313]

P.S. Listening to Jifmoc is a wise decision! Jifmoc Rocks!!

[Bigdaddy1313]

My wife had the same feelings and I felt and feel like crap for causing this. She/you didn't deserve this. She didn't sign up for this. I didn't mean for her to feel like this but the drug completely consumed me and even though I hated myself I still couldn't stop. I never had experience with "H" but oxy cotton is basically the same thing without the imperatives. My only advise is don't beat yourself up for feeling like this. I think it is a normal feeling. I don't think your man meant for you to feel like this he was caught in the jaws of something much more powerful than him. If I understood right did you break it off with him? If so is there any chance he can win you back. Finally is he active in this disease or is he trying to recover?

[jifmoc]

Hi, Addictedtolove. The handle that you chose says a lot about you I must say! I read your other posts and I can feel your bafflement and your intense desire to "figure this out." Guess what? You won't. You can learn everything about addiction and that's great, but it won't change your boyfriend. That's really what this is about.

I say this all the time to loved ones of addicts who come on here. GO to an alanon meeting. The meetings were created so the loved ones of addicts can find peace and understanding. As strange as this sounds now, you'll learn to leave the addict to his own path and focus on YOUR life.

I wish you luck:)

[Merri123]

I understand. You can't figure out how he could choose that drug over you, the life you had, everything.  Unfortunately it is not something he will be able to explain either. Most of it us psychological. The craving for it. The other part is the physical knowing you will be sicker than ever if you don't do some. Some get into it by accident bothers bc they have an addictive personality and it doesn't take very much to want more.

All you can do is accept that it has nothing at all to do with you.

[Addictedtolove]

I really appreciate both of your input. It puts it in perspective. I know that the jealously is irrational, sometimes it just nags in the back of my head.

[Merri123]

Oh believe me it doesn't make you feel good for long. That "great" feeling is quickly replaced with hatred and sickness. You wake up feeling awful until you do some. Eventually you hate yourself.

Don't be jealous. Believe me it is nothing compared to real love and support. Sadly when you use, you don't tealize what you are losing and who you are hurting.

[motye51]

You need to keep this is mind....the pleasure felt in drugs is not real!!! You cant duplicate it....its synthetic, its fake....you cant compete. He didnt chose the drug over you...hes a slave to it....right now he probably has no choice b/c it keeps him from being sick. Sexual pleasure associated with drugs, to me, its not real. Loved ones, no matter how great the love, usually cant beat the drugs. He has to want it for himself.....