Day 49 off oxycodone...having a rough time

[NeverAgain127]

So it has been 49 days.   I still have the cough.   Still having awful sleep; when I do manage to get a few hours, I have vivid nightmares.

But those things will abate in time.   What is really, really bringing me down is the pain.   Something is wrong with me.  I have costochondritis, plus my trapezius muscles, (upper back) go into spasm with 2 hours of me waking up.  

Nothing works.  Nothing.  I've had p/t, massage, yoga, and enough Advil to kill an elephant.  The pain gets so bad I literally cry.   This is no quality of life.  I'm 52 years old.  Am I supposed to just live in pain the rest of my life?

I don't want to discourage anyone here.   I took opiates a long, long time.  I went ON them because I had pain exactly as bad as it is now.   My doctor and I tried EVERTHING:  muscle relaxants, huge doses of Gabapentin, but nothing working but opiates.  

I've been wearing icy-hot heat pads on my chest and back but I require such a strong strength that I've broken out in a rash where the pads are affixed.

Last night I woke UP at 1:00 am with the back pain and was up all night, just crying into my pillow.  I hate this.

I see my doctor next week for my annual physical.  I know exactly what he will say ..."I don't know what to do for you. "

And worst of all (sorry I'm such a grump today) I cannot work.  My job has blown up in my face.  I was in commission-only sales for the last 15 years and I was a superstar, because I withstand grueling 14 hour days w/no pain...I was on the opiates.  In the process, I think I shredded my upper back and chest.  All that driving, phone time, and being hunched over a laptop for 8 hours a day, writing insurance policies.

I used to be admired among my peers. Now no one will speak to me.  Corporations are tough...you don't make money for them, you become invisible.  Waste material.

My husband still expects me to clean the house and cook dinner every night.  I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out.  

Any advice appreciated.  

-Robin

[NeverAgain127]

I'm answering everyone at once to save time....

I'm in the Northeast part of the country, but not Michigan.  I'd rather not say more than that.    I did try smoking pot ONE night...and yes, it helped the pain, but made my cough worse.   One day of relief isn't going to cut it, and truth be told, I don't enjoy the cognitive impairment anymore (I used to...but my brain has changed, I guess...)

My doctor has mentioned that he would approve a medical marijuana card for me, and that there are edible forms of marijuana, and some act only as painkillers (so you don't get high.)  I'm ambivalent about this.  

The THC content of med marijuana is so high (up to 40%) that I'm concerned about getting my body addicted to yet something else.  

Seeing a chiropractor:  not covered by my insurance (although I will double check)...I've always been a bit scared of chiropractors.   My daughter's Godmother, who was my BF in college, went on to become a chiropractor.  She broke a little boys leg during an "adjustment."   Those of us who are older may remember that "Dear Abby" used to run a yearly column in which she would go on a tirade against chiropractors.  I think the "one size fits all" approach that chiropractic mention has is junk science.   It scares me to have someone press down that hard on my spine too.   Okay, I'll just admit:  I'm scared of chiropractors.  

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm making excuses.  I think stress is a much bigger part of this than I'm willing to admit.  

I keep feeling like a total failure because I'm 52 and having to start over again at a job...sigh.   As I've said before, the last 10 years are a long story.

BUT.  I'm glad to be off the opiates...they just gave me a horrible quality of life, and I can see now how easily they could have masked any number of underlying conditions.   The cough is, I THINK, easing up a bit.  I never coughed while on oxy...NEVER.   I shudder when I think of the gunk in my lungs that wasn't being expelled because the cough reflex in my brain was shut down.

Also, too, as someone with IBS, the opiates wreaked havoc with my GI tract.  I used laxative constantly, which isn't good for you.  

The biggest bummer is having to deal with my body the way it REALLY feels, instead of some numbed out version courtesy of the poppy plant.

I just have to keep a positive attitude, a hard as that is.   Last night was good; I made Swedish meatballs with egg noodles, home-made applesauce (fruit from a local orchard) and baked some bread.    Cooking and baking always relaxes me, and my family loves to eat my food.  

Thanks for all the support guys.  I appreciate it more than you could ever realize.

Hugs,

Robin

[meegWpaw]

wow Robin it sounds like you are in a lot of physical and emotional pain, but you also sound really strong.  I don't have much advice but wanted to lend my support ... and also second your second (third, I guess) of Lu's post.  yeah!  I think she is right on.  I hear that you are broke, but you sound like you would be so good in some kind of therapy or teaching profession ... you seem so caring, intuitive, and smart and you certainly have been through enough to be empathetic.  I am sorry you have had so much distress and are in so much pain.  I can relate to a lot of your 'venting'.  I hope you find some comfort and peace very soon.  :)

[gnarly_1]

Hi   what your getting is ''rebound pain'' your no longer supplying your brain with endorphins and you have to relie on natural endorphins it will come in time  I was up to 150mg of methadone and detoxed and it took a good wile to deal with the pain  your body will crave the pain looking for the narcotics once this subsides things like advil and tylonal and ibuprofine will start to work again keep pushing forward this is done in baby steps but in time you will recover......Gnarly

[Ballgame]

Robin you live in Michigan?

[Gunner817]

Only reason I'm saying this is because your an awesome girl always helping others. You might shoot this down real fast but honestly I would try a few hits of weed and see if it relaxes you.. Atleast try it once it could help, try that till you find something that does illeviate the pain. We all know baths help (for a short period of time) but honestly I feel like weed would help you out. If the high THC scares you buy the outdoor grown Reggie stuff( the kind from the 70s) I have severe back pain somedays I can leave over to put on my shoes and I'm 22, I get to thank Texas football for that but I know when it's just unbeatable I take a few hits and it puts me at ease I used to just take hydros problem solved but now that were both clean off those weed for me is the only alternative for pain and sleep. Again you might be like hell no screw weed but just throwing it out there

[kellygirll]

try a chiropractor they work wonders i have been seeing one for about 4 years regularly and i have no back pain neck pain or headaches have you tried a naturopath? just a suggestion they have all kinds of things to try also i feel so bad for you and that horrible pain i hope you find relief some how

[NeverAgain127]

Thank you all so much.   I know that stress is contributing to this.   I hate it when people say "it's "JUST" stress."     'Just'.  As if that lessens its importance, its role.

I can't even begin to describe what my life has been life for the past 10 years.  It has been a nightmare...from start to finish.   There are times when I truly do feel like ending my own life, but I would never do that because of my daughter.  If I didn't have her...I honestly cannot say that I wouldn't decide to just cash out.  

I feel like I have lived 100 lives.  My childhood was horrible; lots and lots of physical, sexual and emotional abuse.   Complete neglect and abandonment....my parents gave more thought to their washing machine than me.   But I've been through boatloads of therapy, day hospital programs, even been hospitalized (briefly.).  


I'm on the downhill side of my childhood issues.   Sometimes I don't know why I'm here.  Lulu you are soooo right; I swear you have the gift of strong intuition and discernment.

What feeds my soul?   Not selling insurance.  But it pays the bills.  I have an expensive mortgage; I'm underwater, and through NO fault of my own.  I have never been a spendthrift.   I have a used car, I buy my clothes at a consignment shop, I never ask for anything extra.  

I followed all the rules, drank the Kool Aid of 'the American Dream' and got squarely punched in the face.   I'm a die-hard Kennedy Democrat.   The middle class is getting the shaft big time; I'm a living example.  But I'm babbling.

I tried all kinds of patches on my chest...the rash turned into open sores.  Yuk.  I've got Neosporin on them, but now I cannot do anything without it hurting.

Sigh.   Life feels like one damn thing after another.  Still the cough...to remind me of what I did.  Still the pain...so intense at times, I cannot do anything but lay down and cry.  

What feeds my soul?  Sigh.  Helping people, talking to them, holding their hands.  Cooking, baking, drawing.   NOT WORRYING ALL THE TIME.

I grew up very poor.  My father was a teacher but my parents spent money all the time on themselves while I wore second hand clothes.  We were always broke.   Pancakes for dinner, the phone being turned off...I got sent home for wearing dirty clothes.  

In my early teens, I was anorexic.  It was the only thing I could control.  I starved myself into almost dying.  When I started college, I mellowed out of it, and started eating again.  My parents didn't notice and didn't care.

I'm low right now.   Going to ask my doctor to start me on Prozac again...short term.  After six months, I start getting bad side effects.

We have NO savings, no retirement, nothing.  And I don't like getting older.  I feel like I wasted my whole life being a mess...I resent younger people...if I could only do it all over again.  But I can't.  This is it.  I've lost a lot of people in the past 2 years.  A LOT.

I'm just venting and rambling.  Gonna go exercise for half an hour even though my heart is palpitating.  

Thanks again everyone.  

[Merri123]

Oh and Congratulations on 49 days!!! That is really awesome. Good job hanging in there. I do hope and pray it gets easier.

[Lilly1955]

I am so sorry you are in such pain. The lidocaine partches work good for me. I wonder if the pain is causing the sleep issue or is the sleep issue causing the pain? I am always in more pain on the days I dont sleep which has been a lot since getting off opiates. You are in my thoughts and prayers. We seem to be having a tough time of it. I am assured it will get better in time even though it feels like forever.

[VICourageous]

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I will send out a prayer that in time all this will find a balance. Maybe after you have some more time in, those receptors that are all over in the body, will clear up and that most of the pain will subside. I know after my 6 month (lil over 2 yrs ago), I had no more pain at all but it did take time for the Brain chems, hormones and transmitters to find a balance. If the Brain is not balanced, it can send some false or intense singles to the body. Just give it some more time. I sure hope you can have a life, pain free without these crazy opiates. I know you have some physical issues here and I also know how hard it is to try to live life in pain. I sure will pray you can find some kind of relief somehow with something.

Bless

[lulu747]

Ah Robin-

It breaks my heart to read this.  I know all to well how hard it is to live in constant and debilitating pain.  You are REALLY going to have to think about this and hard.  I wouldn't throw in the towel yet.  I would never take opiates if it wasn't something that could be surgically fixed.  Because I lived on opiates for 6 years, and it wasn't living.  I was still in pain but I was a zombie.
My mom who is a decade older than you has TERRIBLE back issues.  She has major scoliosis, osteoperosis, and her disks are all degenerating.  She never takes opiates although they are offered to her frequently, because she was with me on my journey and is wiser because of it.  She still works a fairly physical job 6 days a week (which is crazy, she doesn't need to)
She does the prescription strength Voltaren cream, Robaxacet, Advil, yoga stretches.  She wakes up in the night screaming.  Next week she is going to start laser treatments.  I don't know exactly what this entails, but I'll talk to her about it more and will let you know.

I think a lot of this has to do with you needing to let go of your old life.  The life that was not healthy for you.  You are going to need to tailor your life so you have optimum health.  This is what I did.  I knew I could never work for someone else because of my chronic illnesses, so I started my own business doing what I love.  Other than the 4-6 hours a day, 4 days a week that I teach, the remainder I can do from my bed.  I've managed to make it through the last 8 months which have been the most painful and debilitating of my life, without losing my business.  Plus, because I love what I do, it distracts me from the pain when I am there.
If I were you I would do some journaling to find out what it is you want in your heart of hearts.
You need to find something that feeds your soul.  I think you will find if you let go of the stress, and the feeling that you need to perform, that your pain will lessen.  Stress has a HUGE impact on pain levels.

Doll, I wish I could give you a gentle hug.  All I can say is keep moving forward, and continue to search for healing and peace.  It will come.  I know it.
Much love
Lu

[Merri123]

Have you tried the TENS device? My sister uses one and it helps a lot with her pain issues. She is a physicians assistant so she has the long hours and physical exertion you have. Could help maybe.

[Merri123]

The only other things I can suggest is nice hot baths (with Epson salts if you have). Some lavender oil in it to relax.  And lidocaine patches. I suspect you have tried these already.

It is tough to live with pain. You can still be a superstar though. Use a hands free Bluetooth for the phone. Use one of those audio programs that write as you dictate. Then you won't be hunched over the laptop or holding a phone.

Have you gone to a chiropractor? It could help. I have been seeing one for my bad RLS and Raynauds syndrome. I have been seeing results. It is worth a try.

Keep your chin up girl.