ok.. day 6 - mental battle begins

[udoschoices]

so i'm at day 6 (again) -looked back on this little "streaks" tracker on my iphone and the sad thing is i have only made it past day 7 1 time in the last 2 months without going on a 2-3 day pill binge then back to "trying to be clean". Such repetition, i have literally been living detox over and over again. So tired of it, i want this time to be the end for real.

i think part of my problem is finding something to do with my time! - the pills would give me an excuse to go drive around and do this and that, be chatty, etc.. my business is pretty laid back, run from the internet that gives me a lot of freedom and free time - and only seeing my daughter every other weekend makes me often around by myself. Idle hands, as they say....  the GOOD news is that i have my daughter today, so i'm going to pick her up early from pre-K and go to a bowling/video games/etc.. place and play with her. Bad news is i dont have much planned for Labor day weekend. I've always had tons of friends - but seems like i dont talk to as many people as i used to. Many have kids and families - some live far away, some maybe i inadvertently quit talking to as a result of my drug usage.

anyway - just posting to take this day by day. I'm going to run errands and get ready to see my baby girl later... had crazy dreams when i could sleep last night that had pills in them - but i am NOT succumbing. i'll find something to do, may join a gym to have somewhere to go and workout instead of just attempting to work out at home..

so physical w/d seems easiest to me for long-term. its the mental battle that is the tough part .  Anybody with any advice?

[udoschoices]

thanks people... bucksfan - yes, sounds very similar. I am in the same boat and with you 100%. Luckily this time i told several people about my issue, went to a counselor, have been to a few NA meetings (didnt really like the last few that were more "war stories" meetings) - and back on here admitting my relapses and using this forum to help keep me accountable. I think in the past i abused to compensate for the poor relationship i was in with my ex and business failure-  now i'm free from both and just need to break the cycle or habit that i got on.

LoveJ- we are on the same track, let's stay on the right one together! I'm glad to have someone in the same boat as me and bucksfan (and many others here of course)

Sara - thanks a lot for the great advice. I DO need to make me the #1 priority and i think thats exactly where i went wrong - taking care of others at my own expense and not letting them take care of themselves and be used and now that i finally made that step i feel so much better now just need to focus on me!

thank you all - i'm ok and feel SO different this time as i have your support and not fooling myself into "getting clean" then "just one more time".  The madness stops NOW

[dominosarah]

Joining the gym would be a great thing to do.  Gotta get those natural endorphins working again.  As they say an idle mind is the devils playground.  Get going on some aftercare and hit it hard.  You know using is only a symptom of addiction.  You can do it this time.  Make you the No.1 priority and do whatever it takes to keep you on the road to recovery~~~~sara

[loveJwhite]

I'm right here with you...I know exactly what you mean too. You can knock those stupid thoughts right out of your brain. Just kick those thoughts azzez....I've dreamt about pills every time I sleep. Sneaky little creeps, aren't they? I also understand missing your little girl...my oldest son spends a week at a time with his dad and that is torture for me. You are doing great...just keep going. Thinking about you.

[bucksfan]

Udo, we sound like we have the same stories and our biggest problem is boredom and the mental battle. In 6 years of use I have quit more times than I can count but never made it 30 days to see if my mind will heal! I will say in two days I will have made it fourteen days and already the mentals/motivation and energy are improving greatly compared to day 7. Stay busy, eat vitamins and workout! My biggest fear was I enjoyed so many things on pills that I wouldnt enjoy them off. Well I debunked that theory last night as I had a blast.