Day 9 :)

[Kelseago]

Well, I'm doing pretty good.  I have felt like I'm losing control of everything though.  Not of being sober, for a change, but my life.  I hate not feeling in control.  I feel like everything has to go a certain way or it totally erupts my day/life.   It sends me into full blown anger or depression.  I either want to scream or cry.   I went to my meeting tonight and our topic was powerlessness, go figure!   I sat there and listened, thinking WOW!   What kind of coincidence is this.  I was seriously struggling with this today.   They just kept saying that we can't control everything, just how we react to what's handed to us.  I don't understand how or why this touch was picked tonight of all night but it was perfect.  I need to learn to just let go and learn to just chill about trying to control everything.  I can only control me.  Easier said than done...

[Kelseago]

I still try to avoid the emotions.  Try to bury it down.  It's a hard habit to change, I've done it since childhood.  Always feeling like I need to be strong and hold it together.  Never really allowing myself to fall apart.  I do feel my walls crumbling and I honestly don't know what to do with it

[Jammerson1906]

I just wanted to say CONGRATS! For not only 9 days but for going to a meeting and recogonizing that you are struggling. I am on day 10, doing good, but the emotional part I think by far is the hardest. It will come in time. For me, when the emotions hit, I allow my self to truly feel it, the good and bad. Then I move on. No longer numb.....
KEEP FIGHTING our lives are worth it:)))

[Kelseago]

That is no lie, it's a heck of a lot of work.  Trying to "fix" yourself is hard.  Actually having to deal with life that you've buried down for years is no fun

[dominosarah]

Kels, this doesnt happen overnight.  It takes time and a lot of work.  

[Kelseago]

Thanks you guys.  I know I'm supposed to feel everything.  Bot just force a fake happiness on me by tkn smthing.  It just s--ks. Lol

[dominosarah]

I agree, the longer we are clean the more good days we put together and it makes our feel goods feel good!!

[gnarly_1]

HI as your emotions stabilize you will start to feel beter right now there is no flood of artificial endorphins from the pills and your brain has none this is why you feel the way you do and quit normal for where your at exercise is a good way of getting the body to pump up the natural endorphins over time they will start to come back on there own you will have good days and bad days thats how life plays out...on the pills we has an artificial good day everyday now it just getting back to regular life without mothers little helper     you'll do fine hang in there better days are ahead good luck and God bless.....Gnarly    

[dominosarah]

Your comment about liking the feeling of emptiness stands out for me.  I am sure you know i just had to put down my beloved pet.  It has been a month now and i still cry and long for her to be here, i hear her barking at times or can hear her walking across the floor when i am downstairs,  thru all the pain that came upon me the one good thing is that i have actually felt my emotions, i didnt cover them up nor did i fight them.  I let the emotions happen.  Do i like it?  Not one frickin bit.  I tried to control my every waking minute before, i was a robot in both mind and body and it was a terrible existance.  I am still learning how to allow myself to feel as this is all foreign to me still.          sara

[Kelseago]

Thanks gnarly.  I spent so many years trying not to feel so this is very hard.  I honestly still don't want to feel but I know I have to. I like the feeling of emptiness more though

[gnarly_1]

HI Kels.....sounds like your meeting was very fitting for you tonight....it is amassing what you learn at them.....this is why I say as addicts we need to change the very way we think to get well it things like trying to control everything and not being able to that drove us to the drugs in the first place....each meeting you will go to you will take another part of learning to rethink home with you....it why I always say where a work in progress  when you truly realize your powerless to your addiction and then surrender to it you can begin to heal tonight you started your heeling process....one step in many to chage the very way you think and preceve the world around us....for it is us that needs to change not the world around us as for your emotions thay will be all over the place for a wile your learning how to feel again both good and bad feeings but count your blessing you can feel again....good luck and God bless.....Gnarly