I haven't started (again) yet

[cecilia6]

Hello everyone. I am new. I have been on pain killers for about five years. I started with Darvocet and moved up to vicodin, then norco (which is just 10mg vicodin with 325 tylenol), then percocet. I stair-stepped up on each available strength in each of these drugs. Ever since I started the Percocet, I have noticed the huge problem I have had all along. I have never seen a drug where you can take so much in such a short amount of time without dying or going to the hospital. I have always received my scripts legitimately from the same doctor (my family physician). I have arthritis in my low back (big deal). It is not a pain that can be rubbed away. In fact, I want to jump through the roof if anyone even touches me there. I take way to much percocet. I am always running out early. I cannot buy them off the street. I know that my doctor will get fed up with me soon if I keep asking for more. I have been through withdraw about ten times in the last year anywhere from one day to 14 days. I still get back on the drugs when it is time to get my script. I don't know why I keep doing it. I am finally realizing all of the horrible feelings I have to go through just to get high for a couple of weeks. I have a five-year-old daughter that I don't spend enough time with and she is beautiful. I don't want to lose her and I don't want to feel like it is a pain in the butt to spend time with her anymore. I have maybe eight pills left. I don't know whether to just take them like normal and run out in a day or to save them for sleep and stuff. I know from experience that I have anxiety, runs, shakes, bad vision, and body aches during withdraw. I don't know if I should just tell my doctor that I want suboxine. I have never taken it, but I don't want to go through this hell again. I also don't want to keep getting high. I do have real pain, but I can't cope with this drug. It is too addictive. It wears off quickly too. I hate it. If anyone reading this is considering ever taking these drugs or continuing to take them, I want to beg them not to (even if I don't know you). Any advise is appreciated. I am glad you are all here. I have been reading your stories for the past year, but I never have participated. I am done with these drugs. I am also quitting smoking at the same time. I cannot afford it. I try to have a good attitude but sometimes I just break down and cry knowing what is coming.

[Crys833]

I'm glad you came back:) There is a lot of support here, especially when you are craving and anxious, like i am most of the time,lol. No really I'm on day 13 and feeling soo much better. i got out of the house today it was awesome. You're right, life just isn't life on those damn pills. It's good you talked to your Dr. about tapering, that is a good choice. Stick to it! Keep your Dr. informed about all your feelings if you can too, he can maybe give you something for wd's. Live your life again, I know you can. kinda like riding a bike again, but mentally can be tough. I think counselling would be a good option for you to help you out with some of your family issues. If you get some clean time and then get frustrated with your parents, it might be fuel for you to use again. Then it's back to square one. Some type of after care is important when you get off pills. I wish you luck, keep me posted:)

[eyeofhorus2010]

Hey Cecilia, don't count yourself out yet. Clean or not you're an addict just like the rest of us so you do belong here just as much as anyone. So you haven't yet reached that point that you feel you can quit yet, so what.  I took pills for 9 years and years 6 thru 9 I was popping them like MnM's. I could make 20 pills last longer than I could 60. The more I had in my hand the faster they would go. I tried and failed to quit so many times I lost track. Seemed like I had the flu or a nasty cold every two or three weeks such was my desire to stop. But I couldn't and my use grew and years started to roll by.
Eventually you will find that you just don't want to do this anymore and a switch will turn in your mind that will strengthen your resolve. That's what happened to me. I finally decided enough is enough it's gotta stop. When that day comes (sounds like it'll be soon) you'll do it once in for all.

Stick around and keep asking questions or just posting about your experiences, it helps you and it will help others too. We all play a part in one anothers recovery. When you're ready we will help you too. Until then we'll at least get the privlidge of getting to know you. Okay?

[cecilia6]

Well, even though I said I wouldn't, I came back to look one more time. I feel really bad now. I'm sorry I sounded so angry. I want to kick this, but I take care of not only my daughter, but my Mom and Dad as well. My Mom (I love her) is a master manipulator. She makes me feel like crap about myself every day. She is definitely verbally abusive. She also recently shoved me in the side with her elbow when she was mad. She used to be a K-4 teacher, and my daughter is five. My daughter will start school in August. I know I need to think about her education, but my Mom wants me to do things like a full-time teacher. She even has lesson plans set out. I am not very good at teaching. I don't have much patients. She also used to be an RN, so she thinks she knows everything about medical stuff. Anyway, she drives me crazy on a daily basis. I just finished the last class I needed to get my Associates Degree for Medical Administration, so I can finally look for a job and get an apartment for my daughter and myself. Maybe then I can start feeling like I'm worth something. The bad news is that I went to my dr. today, and he upped my percs from 5/325 - one to two every six hours to 10/325 - one to two every six hours. He also increased my Xanax (which I just started taking because of my nerves and inability to sleep). I failed. I now have a bottle full of pills and feel normal again. I know I have to stop this. I told him that after this prescription, I want to start the taper down as quickly as possible. I would never have felt this way as I also have a chronic (arthritis - bone spurs) back problem. It cannot be rubbed or hot water bottled. Ibuprofen does not cut it. Anyway, 30% of the reason that I want to quit anyway is because I know it will be good for me and my daughter. I know that I have a problem if my pills are not lasting like they should. The other 70%, however, is because of reading the stories from you. From the people who just started but are determined to the people who have over a month of sobriety under their belt, are all so inspiring. The latter talk about how great they feel again (like they got their real life back). I want to be there again. I feel like I don't like any of the things I used to like unless I've had my pills. I want to get to the point where I like those things again just because I like them. When I don't have my pills, I feel like everyday life is a hell. I do not believe in committing suicide (due to religious beliefs) no matter how bad it gets, but I have found myself asking God to just take me in my sleep. I love my daughter, and I am not as good a mother as I could be. I can tell that she knows I love her, but I don't do enough with her. She is the other reason I am staying around. This is not for me, but for her. She loves me so much that even if she were better off without me, she would be crushed if I left/died. Anyway, I had about a day and a half under my belt and blew it. I am not trying to manipulate, but I will say that I will read posts and maybe respond to some technical questions. I don't, however, feel that I belong too much if I am not getting clean. I am sort of a recluse as it is, and I have a very hard time opening my heart up to people. Good luck to all of you. Those of you who are quitting or have quit - KEEP IT UP! I wish I had never taken these stupid pills (my Mom gave me my first ones). I admire (and am jealous of) those of you who are succeeding, and I know I will get there soon.

[kkeef]

Your story sounds just like mine.... I am on Day 3... I have finally just had enough and cannot do it anymore....  my doctor kept upping my percs also and then the more I would take and I always ran out early... I just want to be normal as you do to I am sure... It is not an easy road to get there,... good luck... prayin for you!

[Crys833]

Hi, I'm fairly new to this site, but if no one responded to you it's not because of you, I find it's very slow during the day here, sometimes people are out or whatever. Anyway, i'm at home all day, being laid off of work right now, and i am day 12 clean from morphine. i know how you feel with the percs, such a short lived high leaving you wanting more. You know, i think you are truly looking for help to get over this addiction, and posting on this site is a good way to deal with wd's and such, but when you get no answer, well how frustrated you must be! I had to post a few times before i really felt i was getting any real advice too, but it comes stay with this site please, it can do so much for you when you are hurting. Just keep posting and letting us know your feelings while you go through this, you will get answers :) I think you can do this, you've gone 14 days before, you've been through the hell of wd's more than once, you know you must have the strengthg in you somewhere to say that's it, I'm done! And then you would never have to go through the pain of these wd's ever again if you focus and stay off the pills. I wish you soo much luck and I hope you keep posting to us, i'm sorry you didn't get a response right away, but it can be slow on here, especially during the week. :)

[Dav125]

Sorry your post got missed. I never saw it but would have responded if I had..As you are describing what was happening to me 4 months ago..Getting scripts ,then running short..And as the Dr raised the quantitIes, it seemed like I'd run out even faster..

Ask your Dr for help with this...I did..I told him I had become dependent and wanted away from the pills back in August. He gave me some non-narcotic meds to help with the wd's and was quite understanding.After a couple of weeks though I had to backtrack into the meds again as I had a major post surgery flairup that literally put me in tears. This past Christmas I decided I had enough of this and quit the day before new years..Come back and talk with us..Nobody is going to judge you in the fashion you described above..This is a great site for support....I really don't know why your question got overlooked. Its not overlooked now though  :)

[cecilia6]

Well, I posted this about two days ago and got no response. I can't make people respond. I think that maybe most of the conversation is with people who have been on this site for awhile. I thought that your stories were inspiring. I have been without percs for almost 24 hours. I am starting to feel crazy. I am seeing my Dr. tomorrow, and I am probable going to ask for more. The sad part is that he will probably do it. I don't know if the pharmacy will. I am sorry I am not as strong as you guys. I will not be accessing this site again, so don't bother to try to say that I am blaming this site for my addiction or that it is addict talk. I hope that those of you who got clean will stay clean. I know I will some day. I just can't right now.