Feel like a failure

[Ariel0894]

Hi everyone.  So many of you have been so kind and concerned for me these passed couple of weeks and I wanted to provide you with an update.  I jumped off of 40mg percocet last Wednesday.  Made it about 36 hours and decided to resume tapering, or re-try tapering, not sure which is more accurate.  I've been on 25mg per day since Thursday.  This is the first time I've actually stuck consistently to my dropped dose without going over, which is a good thing.  I plan on dropping the dose again tomorrow.  I've read endless posts on this forum regarding "tapering versus CT", and I know that there are valid arguments for going either route.  I am struggling currently because although I feel that tapering is the best method for me, as long as I stick to it and stay disciplined (which I am), but somehow I still feel like a failure.  It seems like most of the people who had been supporting me were disappointed with my decision.  I really feel I made the best decision for me, and personally want to feel proud that I dropped 15mg so far and stuck to it, but it's tough to feel good about that when people around me are vocalizing their disappointment that I'm not just off them altogether yet.  I really want to take my time with this, go slowly while staying disciplined, and allow myself to adjust both mentally and physically to the transition.  Anyway, I wrote this for two reasons, 1) to update those who have showed support and concern, which I so appreciate and 2) to see if people had any thoughts about whether or not my decision is an acceptable one.  Deep inside I want to celebrate my progress, but I feel held back by the disappointment of others.

[Ejm7263]

So proud of you. Your doing great hang in there. You can do this.

[Pat1956100]

You will do this.  Slowly but surely.

[Ariel0894]

Thank you to every single person on this thread for your kind words, I feel much more encouraged now and will rest easy tonight.  Still on track!!!

[Junip]

Ariel, I am in the same boat you are. I should be jumping but I am finding that the slow taper is working better for me. I, too, tried to jump and it only led to me starting again. Now I have tapered down significantly and am closer to the prize. I was disappointed in myself but then I decided to celebrate how far I have come, as should you. We can do this!
JJ

[Sonrissa]

Hi Ariel, do what is best for you no matter what anyone else thinks. My opinion on tapering is that it is difficult, but it is much easier on your body, and your mind. As long as you can make slow and steady progress, and keep your goal in sight. Have a good plan, and keep moving forward. You can do this.

I'm rooting for you, and wishing you the best!

[lulu747]

Sweetheart-
I've done two cold turkey detoxes.  They were what I needed to do at the time because I was in dark places and the drugs had a hold.  This time, I've been through so much medical trauma and pain, and have a better hold of myself now that I've been working a solid recovery, that I am going to do a long, slow comfortable taper.
It matters not that how you get clean.  Only that you do.
xo
Lu

[jugglin]

Girl...you have to do what is best for you.  Just keep moving forward...whatever the route.  Keep your eye on the prize.  
As long as you are fighting to be sober, that is the end goal.
You are doing this honey!
Ditto all the folks above...just make sure you are lining up some aftercare.
Prayers out for continued progress, strength, and patience!

[Ariel0894]

Thanks everyone for the encouragement.  I just needed to hear from people who could truly relate that this was an acceptable way to get clean. <3

[lulu747]

Oh My darling-

It doesn't matter how you get clean, only that you do.  I am sorry that you aren't getting support from the people in your real life.  The problem is, they aren't addicts and therefore don't understand.  Stay close with us and we will support you and in the meantime, get yourself set up with a good aftercare program so you have 'real live' peeps to support you there too, okay?

It is the ones with the support of an army that win the war!
Bless you.  I am here for you, whatever you need.
Lu

[Ariel0894]

My friends and my boyfriend.  That's who was disappointed. EVERYONE ON THIS FORUM HAS BEEN WONDERFUL.  I want to make that very, very clear.  

[Ariel0894]

No no no!!!  No one on this forum, I am SO sorry I wasn't clear.  

[jifmoc]

Ariel- Oh, peeps in real life? Well, you already know this but "they" don't understand. They won't understand. Maybe it would be helpful for you to know that non-addicts just can't comprehend this and to keep kind of a shield around you whenever some judgements come up. That's yet another reason why aftercare is so so important, too: so you'll be surrounded by those that get it.

So, hey, as someone above said: as long as you are going in the right direction, keep going!:)

[vicki595]

Members on this forum actually said they're disappointed in you?  That's not right...No one can judge what is good for another person...we can only suggest.

Personally, I tapered off from an enormous daily amount of pills. It took 9 months because I did it so slowly and that's what worked for me. It also gave me a period of time to line up some aftercare support which I sure needed when my taper was finished!  Do you have some aftercare in place?


You're fine. Don't let "whomever" get you upset. Keep tapering nice and slow!

[Ariel0894]

Hey guys, sorry if I wasn't clear, it's not anyone on the forum that's disappointed, I didn't post that I resumed the taper until just now, so this would be the first that anyone online is hearing of it.  I actually meant people in my personal life, like my friends and my boyfriend. They are not addicts though, so I can't really expect them to get it.  But their opinions still impact me.  Thanks so much everyone for the encouragement.  I really feel that this is the best route for me to go.  And yes, I think a part of me IS disappointed in myself, that I can't just "be strong" and power through the CT, but I really feel beyond the shadow of a doubt that tapering is better for me mentally and physically, as I can adjust to this big change in a more gradual manner.  Regarding jumping off of the 25mg, what you have to understand is that I've been addicted for 5 years, and the highest dose I ever took was 45-50mg and that only happened within the past few months.  So for me, 25mg is where I've been at for most of my addiction, and to jump off there, for me anyway, would feel like full blown CT off what might be a really high dose for someone else.  If I had been on 150 or something, then 25 would seem like nothing and why bother, but for me, I feel like I need to get down lower than this before I am comfortable making a jump.  Thanks guys <3

[jethro733]

Well said IBKleen!  

The only authority you have is you at the end of the day.  People can give advice but they forget sometimes that the advice they give is really for themselves, in only the small part of the picture that they have been made aware of.

[jifmoc]

Or, just listen to the bottom line-ness of IBKLEEN!:)

[Pat1956100]

Perfectly said IBKleen!!!

[IBKleen]

Are you really upset that some unknown people on the internet no less are attempting to sway your decision to make a better life for yourself? Think about that honey. Don't EVER let anyone tell you that you are a failure or that "they" are disappointed because "they" feel you are not doing it right. That just blows my mind.

You keep going with what works for you and stay on track. You will be done in no time and on with your life. Talk to those that support you. I am one of them. You hang on be proud.

[jifmoc]

Ariel- hey girl, however YOU chose to get off these horrid drugs is your choice. I really don't think anyone (especially anyone on here) would be "disappointed" in you for whatever way you chose. Maybe you are disappointed in yourself? I'm just asking. Not that you should be, but perhaps you feel as though you "should" be doing this "differently" or "better." We addicts are such perfectionists. Other people could never be as hard on us as we are on ourselves.

You asked if you think we would think your decision is "acceptable." Are you wondering if you should go c/t? So, you are on 2.5 pills per day right now? Is this the end of your prescription or are you getting em off the street? How many do you have left? Also, not judging just asking: what keeps you from just jumping from 25mgs? Honestly, at that small amount, you won't feel much difference in your wds. You can rip the band aid off and be done. Don't be offended, kay? Just giving you facts of wds.

Great job on being honest! It would be so easy to not say anything. But you expressed your concerns. Bravo!

[Pat1956100]

By all means celebrate your progress.  You are reducing your intake and that is the main thing.  Cold Turkey is tough and if you are disciplined enough to taper (which it sounds like you are) and have enough pills to do a proper taper then you are doing what is right for you.
Most people try ridiculous tapers and that's why they fail.
I think I posted to you before and told you the slower the better.
We're all different and I think right now, tapering is the best thing for you.
Keep posting for support.